A few months ago, Bri and I released an episode of our podcast about our thoughts on motherhood. We’re both childless women in our thirties, one of us is married and the other is not.
In that episode, I was pretty clear about my thoughts on motherhood. I will be 38 this year and I don’t envision any scenario where I will have children. I don’t love the idea of being an “older” mother and I really, really love my childless life. I’m single, and I have been single for my entire adult life, aside from a few short relationships here and there. I don’t feel any compulsion to be a single mother, which means in order to become a parent, I’d need to find my forever partner. And y’all, things are just not going well in that department so it makes motherhood feel like even more of an impossibility.
After we published that episode, I had an appointment at my gynecologist’s office. Typically, my gyn appointments happen at a different office, and at that office, it’s rare for me to see pregnant women or women who have just had babies. It’s mostly just women like me going for their annual well-woman’s checkup. However, this office had ultrasound machines, so it was where I had to go to get checked for fibroids.
The first thing I saw when I stepped into the office was a young couple, planning out their next few obstetrician appointments. She was a few months pregnant, and it was pretty adorable to see how excited they were. As I took a seat in the waiting room, I saw another pregnant woman waiting with her husband.
And it was then that I started to have some complicated feelings about motherhood and pregnancy.
I grew up as an evangelical Christian, and there was an expectation for girls that we would grow up, get married young, and have babies. And, of course, those babies would be white, heterosexual, and also want to further the kingdom of God. Growing up, I always thought that was my path. I would get married to a strong Christian man and start having kids in my mid-twenties. I envisioned having three, maybe four, children. (FOUR CHILDREN CAN YOU IMAGINE.)
But that’s not how my life worked out, and I am ever so grateful for that. First, being single and childless allowed me the space to deconstruct my faith and figure out what I truly believed. Second, it allowed me to come to terms with my own sexuality and my queer identity. And third, it gave me time to discern if I really wanted children at all. Did I care about being a mother? Did I want tiny humans running my life?
As my twenties turned into my thirties, and then my early thirties turned into my mid-thirties, and then my mid-thirties had me inching closer to 38… I began to acknowledge that perhaps motherhood wasn’t to be my path. And maybe that was a good thing. I looked at my friends with kids and realized how hard their lives are. It’s a good kind of hard, and it is filled with incomparable love and affection, but it’s still hard. It’s exhausting and never-ending and sometimes boring and very, very expensive.
Was this a defense mechanism? Was my brain just trying to protect my heart from my true desire? As a woman, shouldn’t I have a biological drive to procreate? Until recently, I didn’t consider any of that. I’ve never felt the ticking of any biological clock, I never get baby fever, and I feel really awkward around most children. And do I really want to bring children into this world? Who even knows what our planet will look like in 30 years when today, it feels like we’re living in a dystopian novel with every extreme weather event that happens.
It is the ultimate womanly experience, though, isn’t it? Which is very heteronormative, I understand, but sometimes my cavewoman brain breaks free and I think in these black-and-white dichotomies. Pregnancy is something I always thought I would experience. I didn’t think I would love it, but I did want to experience it. The feeling of growing a life inside my own body and going to appointments to hear my baby’s heartbeat and creating a nursery for this new person who would rock my world. I didn’t long for the whole giving birth part of motherhood because it sounds pretty horrific and I get anxiety just thinking about leaving the hospital with a baby I’m supposed to take care of and keep alive and watch 24/7. But thinking about having this tiny human that is mine and calls me mom and that I could give the same level of safety and comfort that my own mom gives me… that feels beautiful. That feels like the purpose of life.
But maybe that is all societal conditioning. Society tells women that they are biologically designed to be mothers, that it is the most important job in the world, that to not want to have kids is weird and wrong and misguided. For my childless women out there, how many times have you been told that you just cannot understand love until you have a child? Because I’ve had people say that to me many times. (Which is truly a rude thing to say, and can be especially hurtful for women who are trying to conceive, but aren’t having success. Stop saying that!) This societal conditioning is what keeps us stuck. The idea that all women should want to have kids and if they don’t have that desire, they’re lying to themselves, is wrong.
I struggle with regret. Not regret of things I have done in the past, but anticipatory regret. I think about being 10 years older, 20 years older, 30 years older than I am right now. What will my life look like? Will I regret this decision I made in my thirties to not have kids? Will I feel like something is missing from my life? Right now, I don’t have any regrets about not having children. And I firmly believe that if I don’t regret it now, then I won’t in the future. Because if I really and truly felt that pull toward motherhood, I would find a way to make it happen. Even if I had to be a single mother, I wouldn’t let that stop me.
But the truth is that I love my childless, partner-less life. I am happy with my decision not to have kids, even though this was not the life my younger self envisioned for me. She would likely be really sad I never got married and never had those four children! I love being single and living alone. I love that my money is my own and my time is my own. I love that I can come home to a silent apartment and take naps when I want and that a whole day of doing nothing is something I get regularly. I love being a cat lady and I love being Auntie Steph and I love that I have so much free time to engage in my hobbies.
And I love that there is nobody in my life who is pressuring me to get married and have kids. On the podcast episode, I mentioned that my mom has never pressured me because she got married and had kids young, and then got trapped in an abusive marriage for more than a decade. She didn’t want me to make the same mistakes. But when I talked about this with her, she gently pushed back. “It’s more that I don’t think you have to follow the same path as everyone else. If you are happy being single and childless, then that’s all I want for you.”
It’s been weird to have these complicated feelings about motherhood, especially since I thought I had come to terms with all of this years ago. The truth of the matter is that sometimes I think about what I am missing from the human experience by not being a mother. I think about the fact that my mom doesn’t get to be a grandma to my children. I worry about getting older and not having anyone to take care of me in my old age.
I think it’s completely normal to have these complicated feelings about motherhood, even for those of us who have come to terms with our childless state and aren’t interested in changing it. Society thrusts so many expectations on women, and becoming a mother is certainly near the top of that list. (And not just being a mother, but being the best mother.) I don’t think, as women, we are designed with a biological desire for procreation. I think we are designed with a desire toward connection and love, and that can take many forms. It can come from children, but it can also come from romantic partners and best friends and family members and community groups.
As I type up this post on a rainy Tuesday night in my silent apartment, I feel so grateful for my life. I am grateful for my kitty cats (even though they are hiding right now, thanks to some scary thunder!) who let me be “mom” in a completely different way. I am grateful for the messy kitchen where I spent time tonight making a meal for myself (and no one else). I am grateful for the candle glowing on the counter and the books filling my bookshelves and the blog posts I’ve bookmarked to comment on. I am grateful that I am going to schedule this post and then Facetime with my mom, and then do my nighttime routine while listening to a podcast without headphones. I am grateful for this life, even if it looks different than the life I imagined, because it is mine and it is a good one.
I grew up 100% assuming that I would “fall in love, get married, and have kids,” period. At one point I had names picked out for eight of them! I remember earnestly explaining to my mother the caveat that some middle names might need to be changed depending on what my husband’s last name (because it went without saying that I would take his name) made their initials.
But then I never fell in love, never married, and never had kids, and now I’m 56. I made my peace with that a long time ago: being a single mother was never the slightest bit appealing, no matter how much I love babies. (And I do love them! Even now, if I’m at a party and someone with a baby is willing to hand it off, I’ll take it for two hours happily. Go have fun.)
It is interesting, taking care of my mother, who is vocally grateful I am here to do it, and thinking about how I don’t have someone in that position for me when the time comes. But of course even if I had had children, there is no guarantee the relationship would be a strong one.
Lots of thoughts about the topic, clearly!
Oh yes, I, too, had all of my baby names picked out! I was SO READY for this. (Sorry, future husband, you don’t get a say in what we’re naming our children. I’ve had these names READY for years.)
And you’re so right – even if I had children, there’s no guarantee they would take care of me when I was older. That’s not a given for every parent/sibling relationship!
What a big, complicated topic! Thanks for discussing it so openly.
I always expected to have kids, four of them to be exact (that’s what my mom had). I even told my now-husband on our first date that I wanted to be a SAHM.
And then that’s kinda what I became and it was SO HARD FOR ME. So hard. Pregnancy was hard. Delivery was hard (2 C-sections), I couldn’t breastfeed, I’ve done a combined years of solo-parenting.
I love my kids and if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change the fact that I have two kids. At all. BUT, I am also very, very glad I don’t have any more kids. I’m very, very glad my kids are the ages they are (and have zero desire to go back to infant/toddler stages). And I am very happy to admit that I find it exhausting and hard!
I’m also appreciative that people who DON’T have kids often have unique things to offer. I know a few childless women who run the summer camp my kids go to. They love kids and have a lot of bandwidth, but I think some of that is because they don’t have kids of their own. My kids went to an INCREDIBLE preschool and the owner is an unmarried woman without kids. I do not think she could do nearly as much for the kids if she had kids of her own (and probably if she had a partner!). She can go home and recalibrate and relax after a busy day loving on a group of kids without having to save energy for her own kids.
Kids are exhausting and expensive and a huge investment. They are also amazing and it’s wonderful to have kids to do things with and to watch them grow and cheer them on and become functional adults to help maintain society. I think there are pros and cons to both choices (and often these things are NOT choices because I know many people who are childless despite trying for years to have children, and I know people who have children and are not able to care for them properly).
I completely understand having AllTheFeelings, though. And sometimes I look at people I know without kids and feel very serious envy for their uninterrupted quiet time!
I love this perspective, Elisabeth. Thank you for sharing!
Yes, there are pros and cons to both decisions to have or not have children. I’m glad I never felt a strong pull toward motherhood, considering I haven’t had the chance to have kids, and these feelings would be a lot more heartbreaking if I really wanted them! I feel very content with my childless life, and it allows me to do so many things I wouldn’t be able to do if I had kids!
Last week my husband and I got together with another couple (this couple has three kids between them). They mentioned that they went out to Santa Fe to visit another couple we know. We asked how that couple is doing, and the response was “They’re doing great! They both work, never had kids, and they have plenty of money! How could they not be great?”
I guess the point is… there can be regrets and a little bit of “grass is always greener” no matter which path you choose. Yes- you’ll miss out on certain things about being a parent. But you’re right- being a parent is hard, and expensive. You have to give up your freedom, for a long time, and won’t be in as good of a position, financially. I remember when you did your guest post for Engie’s 20th blogaversary, and it was 20 things you love about being single- and I was envious!!! Your life seems pretty great to me.
No one can have it all, unfortunately. It’s really heartbreaking for women who want to have kids, and can’t. But it seems like you’re pretty positive you DON’T want them, and you’re content with your friendships, family, and of course fur babies.
And, ha- I don’t know how people manage with four kids!!!
The grass IS always greener, isn’t it? I know my life might seem particularly enviable to some people… just like I am envious of people in relationships and with kids! But I know this was the path I was meant to be on, and I am very content with my life and happy things worked out the way they did!
I love this post, and love how much you love your life! I relate to many aspects of your experience as a 40-something with no children (and no plans for them), and only recently married after many years of single life. I struggled with feelings of inferiority and even shame for a long time bc my life didn’t follow what seemed to me at least to be “the norm.” I frequently felt misunderstood and uncharitably judged, even by well-meaning people. Motherhood/parenthood has become so deeply entwined with womanhood/identity in many spaces and communities; for me it has often felt exclusionary and isolating. I’m not sure if things have actually changed (I know statistically it is indeed becoming much more common for women to not marry, not have kids, or both), or I’m less concerned with/sensitive to it as I get older, but I don’t feel as self-conscious about how things worked out for me these days. I know I’m missing out on a significant human experience and am certainly curious about what it would have been like to be a mom, but that’s okay… that’s life. Those with kids “miss out” on the experiences one can have without so there is always an opportunity cost! Like you, I feel truly grateful for what I have and try to focus on that.
Yes, yes, yes to all of this! I, too, have struggled with feelings of inferiority and shame about not having children (and also being unmarried/not in a long-term relationship). Sometimes I feel like there’s no possible way I can be in my late 30s when I haven’t hit any of those “milestones” were supposed to hit as women.
And yes, people with kids do miss out on a lot, too! Think about empty nesters and how the kids leave home and suddenly, they have to learn how to have a life that doesn’t revolve around their kids. I’m so grateful that I’ve gotten to experience living alone and traveling and having a routine that’s mine alone.
I appreciate your perspective on this. I think it’s very rude to suggest that people don’t know their own feelings about something as big as motherhood. I’m a 42 with two kids and I’m happy I get this experience but there are plenty of other experiences out there.
“There are plenty of other experiences out there.” So true! I am grateful for the experience I’ve been able to have, and I think it happened for a reason. I will always wonder what my life would have looked like with kids and how those kids would grow up, but I’m also very content with this life I have now.
There are many ways to be a “mother,” just like you said – there are mothers for pets, there are cherished aunties, and there are mentors for young people. I was so interested to read this post, we are all so very different and what is perfect for one person isn’t for another, and vice versa.
My aunt never had children and you know what? She’s 83 and hasn’t been well, but she is looked after so kindly by her friends. She has a chosen family and they take care of each other. And on the other hand, I have a very complicated relationship with my own mother, and if she needed care I am not sure I could actually give it. I know that sounds awful, but I don’t think either of us would thrive in that scenario. So it’s not a guarantee that having children means “having someone to take care of you in your old age.” Also, without kids you will have money to pay for care!
That is not to say I regret my life, because I don’t. My sons are the great joy of my life and being their mother has been an incredible privilege. I feel this with every passing week, as they get older I find them more and more incredible. I mean, we’ve certainly had moments. But I find that as time goes on those moments get glossed over and I only remember the good parts.
In terms of missing out on an experience…well, that’s true. But also it is a LONG experience. So it’s not like you’re missing out on a trip to Italy or something. It’s the rest of your life, changed. And it sounds like you are pretty happy with your life the way it is, and I don’t blame you – it sounds absolutely perfect for you!
There are so many paths in life, and no one path is going to be right for everyone. We all have to choose our own adventures, and in the meantime, I am sure that your adventure is wonderful. Thanks for this very thoughtful and lovely post, Stephany! xoxoxo
Thank you so much, Nicole! I really appreciated this comment. <3
I don't think it sounds bad that you're not sure you could be a caretaker for your mother. Mother/daughter relationships can be SO very complicated, and I totally understand that it wouldn't be a healthy situation for either of you. I feel the same way about my dad - we're estranged but if he called me up and said he was sick and needed someone to take care of him, would I do it? I'm not sure!
The road not taken always has us wondering ‘what if’, right? I wasn’t sure I wanted kids, but when I met my husband, I started having really strong baby urges (not right away, a few years in). I felt like I would not be happy or complete without having at least one baby. And I’m so glad that we decided to have her, she is such a joy in our lives.
At the same time, we have spent a ton of money that we would not have spent…I have no idea of how to even add it up. A LOT. I’m pretty sure we make more than my brother and SIL, who do not have kids, and they have a MUCH bigger savings account than we have. They live in Alaska, which is really expensive, just like California. A few years before he met his wife, he dated a woman with a young child, and he was all in on that. He wanted to be a dad to that kid, and he was heartbroken when they broke up. But he never wanted kids besides that one that was a ‘gift with purchase’.
Also, as you said, parenting is exhausting and sometimes very stressful.
Also, as you said, parenting is wonderful and fulfilling.
I’m not sure you will get many (if any) people who will say they wish they had never had kids, though I know there are people who should not have been parents (my husband’s father for one, would have been much happier without kids). I know if you were a mom, you’d be amazing at it. And truly, it’s so OK to not want to do it. There are SO MANY PEOPLE on this planet. I think no one should have kids unless they REALLY want to. Too much work, too much money. Same for pets, actually. Unless you REALLY want it, life is easier without. (I want a dog, my husband does not. SIGH.)
I think I would be an amazing mom, too! And a part of me wishes I got to experience that life. But I’m also so content with how my life has worked out, and if it was meant to be, it would (or will?) be. I love watching my friends with kids and see how much parenthood suits them. It’s also fun to watch their kiddos grow up! And I like that I can enjoy being Auntie Steph and then go home to my silent apartment at the end of the day. 🙂
I’ve always been content with my decision not to have children. I never felt the maternal instinct or heard the biological clock ticking during my “fertile years”. I always felt like my anxiety would make a child miserable, and I’d go insane from worrying all the time. It was nice that my husband also didn’t want children, and we’ve been very happy together.
Funny enough, I love all the childish things like my dollhouse and sewing dolls, etc. I’m just a big child – no need for an actual child! Ha! Ha!
Yes to the anxiety! I had a paragraph talking about that on this post, but deleted it. But I’m already such an anxious mess worrying about my mom all the time… I can only imagine what I would be like with my own CHILD. I don’t think that would be healthy for either of us!
I listened to this episode and loved your conversation. I think you are exactly right about the social conditioning being the “real” biological clock. Pregnancy IS fun. Babies ARE darling. And expensive And life-shaping. And parenting kind of sucks a lot of the time especially in a capitalist place, so we need tons of starry-eyed rhetoric to prop it up. I also think about the road not taken and can feel contentment with my current life and be a little wistful about what might have been.
Thank you so much, Sarah! You definitely make motherhood look like a lot of fun (as well as exhausting because FIVE KIDS). I think we are all wistful wondering what might have been. What would my life look like if I had kids? What would YOUR life look like if you hadn’t? It’s an interesting question to think about!
I loved your podcast about motherhood. It was so nuanced and a wonderful listen. I hope it reaches women who have decided not to have children so they feel less alone. Childless women can be kind of ‘othered’ in our culture. I had kids later in life so there were many years when I wondered if I would ever have that role. I learned, through therapy, that there are many ways to be a mother at heart. I was really active in my nephews lives and spent a lot of time with my friends kids so was an aunt of sorts. Ultimately I did have children but had I not, my life would have still had a wonderful life – and a far easier and less expensive life in many ways. Having kids was the right decision for Phil and me, but I wish we lived in a world where the decision to have kids when you are married is not just assumed. I was with family this week and asked about a member of the wedding party for their wedding and the person said how he’s a principal at a HS, happily married, but ‘he doesn’t have kids because he’s so selfish’. I said – well isn’t it great that he knew himself well enough to not bring kids into this world if that isn’t what he and his wife wanted? That is the narrative I REALLY want to push back on. It is not selfish to not have kids. It should be a judgement free decision. *steps off soap box*
Gah, I hate that line of thinking, that not having kids is “selfish.” I love your response! Not everyone wants to have children and that’s a perfectly fine stance to have. Plus, he’s probably able to give more time and energy toward his job, which is a very important one, since he doesn’t have kids.
Thanks for another beautifully candid post. So many things to contemplate.
I’m going to be honest, this week, home with the kids, that end of summer energy, the not listening or helping, or picking up after themselves… I was definitely thinking, “Kids are such shits…..”
I was considering that list of things that you are think about with not having kids, and it does very much seem like it’s the way our society is set up – that grandchildren are direct descendants, that people will be cared for by direct descendants as they age. And those things feels like a failing of how modern society is structured. I think a lot about how Winston Churchill said everyone should have four kids – two to replace the parents, one to grow the population, and one for Britain. Talk about societal pressure right there! I don’t think wanting to have kids is a rational decision these days, when birth control abounds. Well at least in the US. Or at least in certain states in the US. There are so many logical reasons not to have kids these days – financial, physical, environmental, etc – that the decision to have kids is so deeply personal and just a “gut” feeling. I get a lot of joy out of having kids, but if they had never happened, I hope that I would have been able to embrace life as you have.
Thank you, Diane! Listen, sometimes kids are little shits and that’s just the beauty of raising little humans. 🙂
I do want more people to talk about being childless, although I recognize it can be a very painful topic for women who have tried having children and their bodies wouldn’t let them. Sometimes it’s a painful topic for me because I always thought I’d be a mother, but then it just didn’t happen for me… and I think it worked out the way it was meant to. <3
Oh I feel you Stephany… One of the childless women out here.
When I was 14 I wrote in my dairy the exact dates I wanted to be kissed, have sex and my first kid. Two things happened. One didn’t when I turned 21 (the age I noted in my dairy) I kept saying I dont feel any motherly feelings. If that ever changes I may want o be a mother. Well, I am over 40 and the feeling never changed. I don’t need to hold new borns. Me cute and weird around them. I don’t feel excitement. And lucky it was one of three things my husband and I discussed before dating and were on the same page with. So for me I have been fine for over 20 years with this decision.
That said these sentences hold still a lot of truth:
“I think about the fact that my mom doesn’t get to be a grandma to my children. I worry about getting older and not having anyone to take care of me in my old age.”
What drives me nuts though are pople telling me I will regret it. People telling me I am missing out. People telling me I don’t know what love feels like (honestly isn’t it just dependency mistaken as love in those early years?!) It is so so rude. People asking do you have children? Why not?
I decided my contribution to this whole discussion will be putting awareness to it. I challenge people by saying maybe I can’t get children and this is really hurtful. Stop saying that. Obviously it is not true but I believe people who are in this situation are not able to say it so I do because I don’t have any complicated emotions. And maybe people will start to realize what they are doing.
I had one job interview a few weeks prior to getting married. It was a very small company and they asked me if I wanted children (it was not the first time I was asked even though it is forbidden in Germany to ask this question). I said no I do not want children and this shouldn’t be an issue. They started arguing with me that I should get children. WTF. I told them I am telling the truth and they obviously do not believe me. Also mentioned that if I had lied they would not believe me. I ended up not getting the job because they thought I was not honest. Wow…. I mean I am glad I didn’t nut wow….
I feeeeeeel all of this so much, Tobia! Thank you for sharing. I also do not have any of those same motherly feelings when I’m around babies. Will I hold your baby? Sure. But I don’t need to, lol.
I just hate this idea that we’re going to ‘regret’ not having kids or that we don’t know what love feels like. That is just SO hurtful and wrong and doesn’t come from a place of kindness. I’m glad you’re challenging these ideas in your own life!
Forty-something woman with no children reporting in. It’s hard out here. I envy you with your friendship network of other women your age without children because I don’t really have that and it’s been hard. I never wanted children (was raised an atheist) and my husband super duper didn’t want children (was raised a Catholic). There are reasons – who wants to bring a child into this world with climate change, political and economic uncertainty, and a giant mental health epidemic? why would we want to bring a child into the world with my husband’s (and my) genetics?
But I feel like we’re letting the bad guys win the future, to be honest. I feel like the people out there having large families are the religious extremists. I know one couple with nine children and they’re Baptist missionaries and their children go to terrible religious colleges, including Liberty and Bob Jones, and they do missionary work in Thailand that seems terribly colonial and gross. I know another couple with FOURTEEN children. This is a high school classmate of my husband’s and they are super Catholic and don’t believe in birth control. The treatment of their children seems horrific from the outside – the older kids are all paired with a younger kid who is their “charge.” To me this seems like neglect of the younger children and parentification of the older kids. But these children are the future, right? I’ve just given up. And, honestly, that keeps me up at night.
But it also seems selfish for me to bring a child into this world because I do feel like we’re living at the end of Earth’s sustainability.
It’s so complicated and it’s so hard and I don’t even have the religious background/baggage to bring to it.
You know, I never really considered the idea of “letting the bad guys win” by not having children. I definitely see what you’re saying there! It’s hard to bring children into a world like this one, when I’m not even sure what kind of planet we’re going to have in a few decades. It’s scary.
It has been really helpful to have woman my age – and older – in my life who are also choosing not to have children. It helps me feel less like an outsider. It’s also helpful to have friends who ARE mothers and fully support my desire to be childless. They know how hard it is, and while they see the benefit to motherhood, they understand why someone wouldn’t want that for themselves.
What a wonderful, soulful reflection. As you know I have two kids and am 44. It’s hard and it’s wonderful. Until it’s hard again. Until it’s lovely, again.
My mom pressured me to NOT have kids and you know how complicated a relationship we have. I think deep down my mom regrets having kids. I think her life was over when she had us. But then again- different times, different circumstances.
I went through the most aggressive form of IVF to be able to conceive my kids. With two miscarriages , one before Lyra and one before Rainn. I love to do things with them, but I also love being away from them to give myself a break.
I do think there are plenty of mothers who regret having children – and I do not want to be one of those mothers because that’s just not fair to the children. I know my mom delighted (and still delights!) in being a mom, and I can see that you are the same way with your kids. You do so much with them, and I think it’s so healthy to also enjoy time away from them, too!
I listened to that episode and loved it and of course could totally relate!
Also I have a few comments about the comments! Lisa’s story about being selfish…I think it is selfish to have kids when you can’t care for them or don’t want them. It is not selfish not to have them if you aren’t sure, or can’t afford to or don’t want to (or whatever)! It’s called being responsible!
And re NGS comment, I do agree to a certain extent that there are some people who are not worth being a parent who are having several kids and if we smart, strong, kind, environmentally friendly, socially conscious people opt out, then we are kind of letting them win!
I do sometimes feel odd man out, as people ask me all the time if and why I am traveling alone, where is my husband (?), and do I have kids, as if it is strange or negative that my answers are no.
Lastly, I like kids! I am happy to watch other people’s kids, give them candy, take them hiking or hold their baby, but I am glad at night when I am sitting in the quiet eating my salad for dinner that I don’t have to worry about anyone else! 🙂
I also think it can be a selfish act to have kids, and I just don’t love that it’s so ingrained in our society that people think it’s weird to be childless and happy! I am so happy for the way my life has worked out, and living alone with my cats is truly my ideal life!
I have so many thoughts on this, Stephany, but (as you know), I sometimes balk at sharing deep dark details of my life. That said, this really hits home. I didn’t have the exact same journey, but one that was similar in some ways. I’m also childless and partnerless. I just wanted to say that I hear you, I know how hard it can be (regardless of the specifics) and I hope you are feeling at peace with (*waves hands*) all of *this*. You have a wonderful life and I’m so glad. <3
I am truly at peace with the way my life has worked out. The one thing I forgot to mention in this post but really kickstarted all of my ponderings about motherhood is my gynecologist recommending ablation for my fibroids, which would effectively mean I could never get pregnant. And even though I am PRETTY sure I don’t want kids, it really threw me for a loop to actually slam the door shut on that possibility. I really didn’t expect to have that kind of reaction!
Thanks for discussing this so openly, Stephany. As another child-free woman, it can sometimes be hard to talk about WHY we don’t have kids. I mean, there are so many reasons these days why women/couple don’t have kids and sometimes it’s not even by choice (we always have to remember that!) but I think we should also not stigmatize women who CHOOSE to not have children.
I also always thought I would have children some day but it wasn’t in the cards for us, but I also never really craved motherhood. I was waiting for the baby fever to set in and tell me ‘one way or the other’, but that never happened, and now I am pretty content with being childfree (although of course I’ve also had the thoughts about maybe regretting it one day) As Jenny said, NOBODY can have it all.
Yes – there are just so many mitigating factors for why someone may not have kids. And I think all of those factors are valid, whether you simply do not want to have kids because of XYZ reason or you weren’t able to have kids. It shouldn’t be looked down on or considered ‘selfish’ to not have kids. That really grinds my gears!