Today is my 38th birthday.
There are just two years left in my thirties. Mind-boggling. I have high hopes for my forties, but for now, I want to relish being in my late thirties.
There’s a lot that happened this year. Mainly, my physical health suffered a lot. There was really bad bloodwork in January that prompted an immediate change to my diet to stave off a Type 2 diabetes diagnosis (success, although I’m still prediabetic). On the heels of that came carpal tunnel pain that was keeping me up at night and making my life miserable. A steroid shot right in the nerve made things a lot better, although the symptoms have started to return after 6-ish months, which means surgery is probably the next step. Then came GI issues (basically, chronic diarrhea for 5 months) and a slew of tests to rule out anything serious, including a colonoscopy! And maybe the colonoscopy prep reset my GI tract? After the procedure, everything went back to normal. (And all the tests came back negative for anything serious.) I’m capping things off with back, neck, and IT band pain that has been my constant companion since September. I’ve done chiropractic adjustments, physical therapy, daily sessions with my heating pad… nothing has made it feel better. Next up: possibly an MRI and trying dry needling (<– a Nicole suggestion!)? I dearly hope this pain doesn’t follow me into 2026.
One of the lines I wrote in last year’s birthday post was: “Will I be typing up this birthday post next year from a beautiful, two-bedroom apartment? I really hope so.” Past Stephany, you are! Moving to a two-bedroom apartment has been one of my biggest dreams for so long. When I originally started living on my own in 2016, there weren’t too many apartments in my budget. I settled on a tiny one-bedroom (550 square feet!) that was under $700 per month, which was all I could afford. Once I started working from home during the pandemic, I desperately needed to upgrade to a bigger place. At first, I was working from my kitchen island because I didn’t even have a desk at home! And then I bought a tiny desk that I had to shove right next to my bed, and I really hated that my sleeping space and my work space were right next to each other. So I upgraded to a large one-bedroom apartment (718 square feet!) and used the corner of my living room as my “office.”
That apartment worked well for me, but what I really wanted was a two-bedroom apartment so I could better separate my work life and my non-work life. But finding that magical apartment was a journey. Not only did I need an apartment in my price range (ideally, under $2,000 per month) but I’d prefer one with just one bathroom because what do I need two bathrooms for? And then I found the unicorn: a two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment under my price range and it came with two months free rent!
It’s now been a little less than a month since I officially moved in, and I am so, so happy here. I love having so much extra space that I don’t know how to fill it. I love having shelves in my kitchen that are empty. I love that Eloise can do pretty substantial zoomies every night thanks to a long hallway and a bigger living room to run around in. I love the office and being able to have a separate space for work. I love that I’m no longer on a busy street so leaving isn’t a stressful endeavor. I love the luxurious bathtub and feeling like a queen when I take a bubble bath. I love having a washer/dryer that is so quiet that sometimes I forget that I’m washing clothes. This change has been a long time coming, and I’m just so happy to get more settled in as the months progress.
I didn’t date much this year, and I’m starting to wonder why I don’t feel that desire to do so. Is it because dating so far hasn’t met any of my needs? It’s exhausting to be on the apps and to message with people only for things to fizzle out for unknown reasons. Or to go on dates that are fine, but not the kind that will lead to anything serious. And I have tried to be someone who dates casually and doesn’t make a big deal out of dating, but honestly, I’d rather be at home with my cats on a Friday night than spending time with someone I just feel “fine” about.
A few years ago, I was dating someone, and it was getting serious. One Friday night, we had plans to hang out. I was going to stay over at her place, and then we would have breakfast in the morning. And I just remember sitting in her car on the way to dinner, and this sudden restlessness came over me. “I just want to be at home,” I remember thinking. It wasn’t about her, but rather an overwhelming urge to go home. The whole evening stretched out in front of me, and I suddenly didn’t have the capacity for it. Something in me just wanted the familiarity and comfort of my own space. At the time, I chalked it up to the newness of a relationship that was blossoming into something real and that uncomfortable feeling of change. Even good change can be wildly uncomfortable.
In the end, that relationship didn’t last, and I can’t stop thinking about that feeling I had in her car. It makes me wonder if I will ever find someone I’m willing to change my life for. I’m not even talking about massive change, just small things like not having my weekends all to myself and limiting how much time I spend on my hobbies. I have lived so much of my adult life on my own and have become such a creature to my own habits and routines that any little change to my everyday life feels unbearably hard.
The truth is, I love being single and living alone. I find myself scrolling through the dating apps because I feel like I should want to be in a relationship. And then I swipe and swipe and swipe, and nobody matches with me, and man, there’s nothing more demoralizing than getting the notification from Bumble that I’ve reached my swipe limit for the day, and have nothing to show for it. Not great for my self-esteem! So then I just forget about the apps and dating and the whole shebang for a few months. Then, friends ask me about my dating life or tell me exciting news about their other single friends who have found love, and I feel like I’m disappointing them by not having any funny dating stories or exciting news of my own to share.
I guess where I’m going with this is that I still hope that I will find that forever partner, someone who makes me so incandescently happy that I want to give up some parts of my singleness for. But I also know my life is already so full without this person, and it will continue to be so if I never find them.
This past year has not been my favorite (see above, re: physical ailments), but there have been good moments. There was a reading retreat and two girls’ weekends and an Orlando vacation with my mom. There was London, which was the most fun time! There were super fun book club experiences, like a cheesy JCPenney photoshoot, bingo night, and fancy afternoon tea. There was the (stupid) Fight for Air Climb and climbing 914 steps. There were fun adventures with Jenny and Birchie (cat cafes & art museums & bookstores, oh my!) There was the podcast and recording 22 episodes this year – a record for us! There was cleaning up my diet and losing 18 lbs and making great progress in my fitness abilities. I tried new things and grew closer to old friends and continued to try to be the kind of people manager I would want for myself.
It was a hard year, but I’m coming out of it with a fresh perspective about what I want for my life. I’m thinking about things like how to lower the inflammation in my body (which I believe has been the catalyst for all of my physical ailments) and how to make my new apartment a home and how to be a better friend. I want to continue losing weight, not because I need to fit into smaller pants but because I want to continue lowering my A1C and get my heart disease numbers out of the danger zone. I want to return to therapy and work through some of those stubborn thought patterns that keep holding me back. I just want to continue striving to be the best version of myself.
Here’s to 38 – may there be fewer doctor visits and more beautiful adventures.
Happy happy birthday! You really have had such a tough year with all the health challenges. I really hope next year is a quieter year for health issues and that you have far less pain to deal with!
I think it’s great that you are so happy to be single! That is how I felt before I met Phil. I did not feel my life was lacking. I did desire to meet someone but I also knew that if I didn’t, I would still have a happy, full life. I remember going on dates when a show I loved was on tv and wishing I was watching that show instead of sitting across the table from a guy I wasn’t all that excited about. It’s a good litmus test for whether the person is right for you. Ultimately, I found Phil and we have found ways to still honor the people we were before we met. I am a fiercely independent person that likes to plan – and I can still be that person within my marriage. Our lives merged shockingly easily actually but we both were content with who we were before marriage so we continued to be those people, but together under one roof. Of course we made sacrifices and compromises. But it’s been great to merge lives. I do miss aspects of my single life, though, because it was a very happy time for me the last several years.
I know you get lonely sometimes but marriage or a lifelong partnership isn’t necessarily the answer to that. The truth is I still get lonely, too, especially as friendships have shifted in my 40s/since having kids. It’s a different kind of loneliness from my 20/30s since I am partnered. But marriage is not the cure for loneliness necessarily or at least not for every kind of loneliness. I do want to emphasize that I am very happily married and adore my husband but what I’m trying to say is that he is not the cure for all the kind of loneliness a person experiences.
Please don’t feel like your friends will be disappointed if you don’t marry. They want you to be happy and fulfilled and that doesn’t require you to have a partner. It is clear that you are thriving and happy. And if they don’t feel that way, they aren’t your friend! I get the feeling your friends are very open minded about what it means to live a happy, fulfilling life. That is what we all want for you, and a partner is not a requirement for that! ❤️
Thank you so much, Lisa! I think the worry about disappointment is my own thing to deal with, since my friends have never once made me feel like I’d be a better person if I had a long-term partner. Most of them just want me to find the happiness they found with their partners! But it’s hard out there, and most times, I just don’t have the energy to navigate through the mess on the apps.
Happy birthday, Stephany!!!!
You and my daughter are birthday twins! Today she is eight.
I enjoyed your reflection very much. May this year bring health, happiness and many new adventures! I second what Lisa said above- you can still feel lonely even when you are partnered. Like her, my friendships also shifted in my 40s since my kids are smaller than those of my friends, and I’m not gonna pin my entire happiness on Tony. He is the biggest part of support for me but still I am my own person.
Happy birthday to L! I love that we are birthday twins. 🙂 I hope she had a wonderful birthday!
Yes, I have definitely heard that people in marriages can still get lonely. It’s hard out there for all of us – there’s a reason why there’s a loneliness epidemic! I hope you’re able to find a way to keep up with those friendships, even as they evolve.
Happy Birthday! If I had a magic wand, I would make 2026 The Year That You Did Not Meet Your Insurance Deductible.
[I’m not sure if I’m allowed to tell you this, so let’s keep it between us but 40s>>>30s. So far from what I’ve seen the 50s are even better, but I’m new to the decade.]
While I’ve got the magic wand out, let’s also have the person that you don’t have to change your life for show up;-)
I love this post so much! What I love is your level of self awareness and honesty. About the relationship- my son dated a bit in college, but he told me he always felt like it was an effort and wished he were just home doing his own thing instead of with the other person. He was starting to worry that maybe he just wasn’t cut out for a relationship. But then he met someone last May who he really clicked with, and now they’re very serious. So- he just hadn’t met the right person. I think if you’re going to get into a relationship it would have to be with someone who’s very independent and would let you have your own space, and that can be hard to find. But I think that person is out there. And having said all THAT, I love the fact that you’re happy being single. Yes, there’s a lot of pressure out there to be in a relationship. I can see how it’s hard to resist it. But you will find someone eventually- if that’s what you really want.
Oh, and by the way HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Yes, let’s hope this year has more fun adventures and less trips to the doctor. Starting with a book adventure blogger meetup in January : ) !!!!!
Stephany!!! I wish you a wonderful and happy birthday, full of your favorite things! I think it’s so cool that you can tell past Stephany that you achieved the goal of moving into a new apartment, and that it’s everything you hoped for and more! As a 56-year-old, and therefore VERY wise (ha!) I can tell you to live and enjoy your life without feeling like you should do this or that. If the right person comes along, it’ll be awesome. And if not, it’ll be awesome too. I wish you every happiness during your 38th year!
While I appreciate you sharing your memories from this year, Stephany, I also find many of those memories not new to me as you’ve shared them in your past blog posts as well. Happy birthday today, Stephany.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET YOUNG FRIEND!
Thirty-eight. Wow! You have so much great stuff ahead of you. Birchie’s right, the forties are SO fabulous, and from my vantage point, seven months in, the fifties are even better. So you have so much to look forward to. And Lisa is so wise, you will live a full and happy life, with or without a partner. For what it’s worth, my SIL was married for a few years in her 20s, and had some relationships off and on, and then really came to the conclusion that she was happier on her own. So she was for like 20 years (she’s 63 now) and last year she and her very good friend became more than friends. They live separately but spend tons of time together, and both are very happy. So you just never know what’s going to happen.
Of course I knew about all your ailments this year but whoa nelly, when you see them all written down together…it’s a lot. You had a LOT. May this year be pain free and full of health and happiness. And give that dry-needling a try. It truly worked miracles for me.
Happy birthday, Stephany! What a huge year–moving into a new place and making a dream come true and all of the travel. Here’s to hoping your health is less of a factor at 38–it sounds like you are making many positive changes to it. It sounds like you have a full life without dating right now, and I’m glad that you aren’t just going through the motion because you feel like you should. Wishing you all the best this year!
A couple of years ago you wrote a comment on your blog that worried that if you had a partner they would eat your snacks and this really stuck with me. I thought it was so funny (and I still do) because when I met my husband I *wanted* him to have all the snacks. We buy mint chip ice cream (which is an abomination) because he likes it. I make him the peanut butter cookies he likes even though I think they are sort of bland. I have had that stupid Indian chickpea curry at least two nights a week for the last year because he loves it so much. If you meet the right person, these won’t even seem like sacrifices. But if you don’t meet the right person, you are living your best life and that’s all that you can ask for!
Happy, happy birthday!
Happy birthday! Yo already have such a full, beautiful life, and I hope 38 is the best year yet.
Happy happy Birthday to Stephany! sorry this year was so challenging with the health issues. I think it’s awesome that you are prioritizing eating healthy for all the right reasons and I hope that you continue to feel the benefits that are sure to happen. I love that you found this apartment. It sounds lovely. I agree with Jenny that it’s clear that you are open and honest and self aware – all great things. I think it’s amazing that you are comfortable being single. I also think sometimes people enter our lives when we aren’t looking, and I hope that you one day meet a person who you don’t have to change for. All the best in your 38th year! Enjoy your day!
Happy birthday and wonderful reflection!
Agree with others that when you meet the right person, things fall into place! The extra efforts and changes are there but you won’t think twice about them and you’ll likely perceive them as positive experiences/growth overall even if they are new/challenging in the moment. (I say this as someone who also longed for home during dates even several months in with often perfectly nice people who just weren’t for me. And I believe the reverse happened as well! So totally normaI imo.) My social life was not great prior to meeting my husband (at 39 on Tinder… it can/does happen!) so there was a bit more urgency/focus on it for me as I was pretty lonely day-to
-day and tired of doing things solo and spending so much time alone. Even given that though, I took a ton of breaks from the apps and after a lot of trial and error only did them when they truly felt fun and like something I was genuinely excited about. It’s def quality over quantity so don’t worry about lulls in matches, be a little open to different types of people if you can, and just write off the flakes/ghosts/insincere people etc. The paid versions can cut through a lot of the noise/swiping now and then too. The questions/pressure (even inadvertent) from others and feeling guilty or disappointing is just difficult. People mean well but can be oblivious to the effects of the questions or the rigidity of the narratives they’re prescribing. If you’re happy, that’s all that matters, truly.
I’m glad some of your health issues have improved/resolved, but sorry others have cropped up. That is the hardest part/one downside of aging I think! May the coming year be much easier on this front.
Happy Birthday Stephany.
Second: may there be fewer doctor visits and more beautiful adventures.
It’s been a ride that past year, right. Sorry on all the physical stuff. I read somewhere that when you start loosing weight toxins that have been stored in fat cells will get released.
I am also prone to catching an every time I step outside my home. So apparently starting exercising can do that? It’s so annoying.
I am so happy that your dream of a new apartment became a reality.
I totally get your wish for companionship but wanting all the perks of being single. I love my slow weekends. Luckily the husband and I have very different daily routines so I often have 6 hours to myself on the weekend. I cherish that time and am almost mad when he gets up earlier. On the other hand I hate it that we never really do seize the day because when he is ready I am tired and want to go to bed.
Happy happy (slightly belated) birthday, sweet Stephany!!!! It has been Quite a Year for you, health wise, and I hope that you close out your thirties with no further health issues — or, at the very least, that you get a handle on what’s going on this year.
I love your thoughts on partnership, and I think that feeling fulfilled and happy is 100% an individual thing, and that being fulfilled and happy and comfortable with yourself is what will make your life full and satisfying no matter what.
Hope you are having a nice long celebratory weekend!!!
Happy happy birthday!!!!
I really hope all that pain doesn’t follow you into 2026 either. That is just WAY too much 🙁
Ahh! Your new place sounds absolutely perfect. I am so happy for you and the girls!
Oh Stephany! I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that not being in a relationship is not disappointing anyone who really cares about you. You have fun stories and news to share that is not related to dating. The true friends care about ALL of you, not just that part of your life!
Happy birthday! I hope for all good things for you in the coming year.
Hope you had a great birthday, Stephany!
What a year – I am SO happy for you on the new apartment!
I know, I know here I am in your comments again saying wErE sO SiMiLaR – but honestly! That’s me with dating, too. I just do not have the mental stamina or energy for a-n-y of it. My profile, the swiping, trying to put on my best banter over and over, figuring out plans and what are we going to do? what is the menu and what will I order if we go that long (lol)? whats the parking? freaking out about outfits, my safety…did that one line come off weird? on and on. I just don’t enjoy it!
Stephany! This is so, so late. Happy birthday, my friend. I hope 38 brings you everything you want and need. <3
(38 could also learn from 37, and ditch the pain and health issues, I think…)
(Also, I could have written the content on not wanting to date. I have a feeling we could talk for a long time about that. I have absolutely no interest in meeting someone and giving up my quiet – very, very quiet – life.)
(Happy Birthday.)