Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Reading Habits (v. 3)

Every few years, I like to spend a week tracking the time I spend reading to see if I notice any trends or changes I can make to my reading life. I did this for the first time in 2014, then again in 2018, and I spent last week tracking my reading time to see how things have changed. Here are some things I noticed that I used to do to get extra reading time throughout my day that I no longer do:

  • I used to read whenever I was in the bathroom. This is probably TMI, but this is a habit I picked up as a kid (I used to keep a library book on the back of the toilet and would only read that book when I was in the bathroom) and only when looking over my 2014 post did I realize I stopped doing that.
  • I used to read on my lunch break, but now I either take a nap, do chores, or fall down Internet rabbit holes.
  • I don’t always read during my bubble baths, which is something that used to be a staple for me. Usually, I’ll play Candy Crush while listening to a podcast.

Another change I noticed from this experiment is that I read a lot less on weekdays. I’ve actually become one of those adults who only reads right before bed now. (I’m so sorry, Younger Steph, who shuddered at being a boring adult who had actual RESPONSIBILITIES and couldn’t read copiously throughout the day.)

So, without further ado, here is how the week shook out for me:

Monday, June 14

  • 9:11pm-9:54pm: Malibu Rising (49 pages), The Count of Monte Cristo (1 issue)

Total reading time: 43 minutes

Thoughts: The only reading time I managed today was right before bed, but I was able to get in an issue of TCoMC as well as knock out almost 50 pages of Malibu Rising, so I’m considering it a win. I try to read at least 50 pages per day on weekdays!

Tuesday, June 15

  • 11:01am-11:56am: Glass Houses (10%)
  • 12:25pm-12:54pm: Glass Houses (5%)
  • 9:38pm-10:12pm: The Intimacy Experiment (42 pages)

Total reading time: 1 hour, 58 minutes

Thoughts: I started an audiobook today (Glass Houses)! I was able to listen to 15% of it during my day: while I was doing a brainless work task, while making lunch, and when I took a quick break to put together a shelf that just got delivered (one of those Target cube bookshelves; this is the fourth one I’ve put together and I’m an old pro at them now.) The only other reading I did was right before bed, so if I wasn’t listening to my audiobook, that would have been the only reading I got done that day! Praise be to audiobooks. (Typically for audiobooks, since I also love listening to podcasts and always have a very full queue, I try to listen to at least 1 hour a day of the book—sometimes 2 hours, if it’s a longer audiobook like Glass Houses was. I listen on 1.75x speed, though, so it’s never a full hour. For example, today, I listened to 2 hours of Glass Houses but it amounted to less than an hour-and-a-half of reading time.)

Wednesday, June 16

  • 10:59am-11:08am: Glass Houses (2%)
  • 11:12am-11:18am: Glass Houses (1%)
  • 11:31am-11:36am: Glass Houses (1%)
  • 12:30pm-12:41pm: Glass Houses (2%)
  • 1:07pm-1:15pm: Glass Houses (1%)
  • 6:18pm-6:35pm: The Count of Monte Cristo (2 issues)
  • 9:06pm-9:34pm: The Intimacy Experiment (17 pages), Malibu Rising (21 pages)

Total reading time: 1 hour, 24 minutes

Thoughts: I ran some errands today during my lunch break and I listened to my audiobook while driving around town. I only got through 4% of my book but that’s 4% more than I would have otherwise! I also listened to my audiobook while playing Happy Color on my phone (still obsessed with this app!) and tidying up my apartment during a work break. And then the only other reading I did (other than TCoMC) was at night! I switched between my romance (The Intimacy Experiment) and my fiction book (Malibu Rising).

Thursday, June 17

  • 6:52am-7:27am: Glass Houses (6%)
  • 8:04am-8:21am: Glass Houses (3%)
  • 8:49am-8:55am: Glass Houses (1%)
  • 10:10am-10:27am: Glass Houses (3%)
  • 5:16pm-5:31pm: The Count of Monte Cristo (2 issues)
  • 9:13pm-9:28pm: Malibu Rising (21 pages)

Total reading time: 1 hour, 45 minutes

Thoughts: I got in a lot of early-morning audiobook time, as I went for a walk this morning. I also listened while showering, getting ready for the day, and puttering around (making breakfast, feeding the girls, doing my skincare routine, etc.) And tonight, I was exhausted so I only read for 15 minutes! Yet again, audiobooks FTW because without them, I would have barely gotten any reading time in today!

Friday, June 18

  • 6:39am-7:22am: Glass Houses (8%)
  • 2:32pm-2:52pm: The Intimacy Experiment (25 pages)
  • 7:09pm-7:45pm: Malibu Rising (50 pages)
  • 9:02pm-9:15pm: The Count of Monte Cristo (2 issues)
  • 10:37pm-11:11pm: The Intimacy Experiment (46 pages)

Total reading time: 2 hours, 26 minutes

Thoughts: Another early morning of audiobook listening. I’ve started waking up around 6 on Fridays so I can get started on work a bit sooner (and since I get to take a nap every Friday, it’s no biggie!) I spent the morning puttering around my apartment, eating breakfast, and playing games on my phone. I read for about 20 minutes in the afternoon before taking a nap and had a reading date with a friend in the evening! We ended up spending more time chit-chatting than reading, but that’s never a bad thing! And then there’s my usual evening reading: some issues of TCoMC and my “before bed” reading time.

Saturday, June 19

  • 8:18am-9:01am: Glass Houses (8%)
  • 9:36am-9:58am: Glass Houses (4%)
  • 10:49am-11:06am: Glass Houses (3%)
  • 11:07am-11:46am: The Intimacy Experiment (54 pages)
  • 11:55am-12:02pm: Glass Houses (2%)
  • 1:10pm-1:33pm: Malibu Rising (36 pages)
  • 9:34pm-10:06pm: Malibu Rising (58 pages)
  • 11:00pm-11:40pm: Malibu Rising (70 pages)

Total reading time: 3 hours, 43 minutes

Thoughts: Busy reading day! I love weekends. A lot of this was audiobook time: I listened while making breakfast, playing games on my phone, going on a short walk, showering, getting ready, doing some chores, etc. I also finished up The Intimacy Experiment while lying on the couch after I took a shower. And the rest of my day was spent finishing Malibu Rising! I read some of it before I took a nap, and then laid on the couch reading while waiting for laundry to finish washing so I could transfer it to the dryer. Then I did my nighttime routine and snuggled in bed to finish Malibu Rising!

Sunday, June 20

  • 12:04pm-12:36pm: Glass Houses (6%)
  • 12:45pm-12:56pm: People We Meet on Vacation (12 pages)
  • 10:07pm-10:40pm: People We Meet on Vacation (19 pages), The Count of Monte Cristo (2 issues)

Total reading time: 1 hour, 16 minutes

Thoughts: I usually read a lot more on Sundays, but that was not the case today! Maybe it’s because I started a new book? Anyway, I got in a bit of audiobook-listening time while unloading my groceries, doing laundry, and tidying up the apartment. Then, I read a bit before I took a nap and again before bedtime. Nothing too crazy to report here!

***

So that’s a regular week of reading for me in a nutshell! All in all, I spent more than 13 hours reading: 6 hours of that was audiobook listening and 7 hours (and 13 minutes) was reading physical books/ebooks. My longest reading period was the 55 minutes I spent listening to my audiobook (but I was working, so I can’t say I was fully engaged, haha). My longest non-audiobook reading period was the 43 minutes I spent reading before bed on Monday.

In my previous reading updates, I was someone who spent a lot of time reading in short periods of 15 minutes or less, but I find myself doing that less frequently now. Now, if I have 10 minutes to myself, I’ll probably just get my phone and open Happy Color and my latest podcast episode. Is this a problem? Should I start limiting how much time I spend playing games on my phone? (Probably; those screentime reports are always embarrassing.) One thing I have restarted is reading a book in the bathroom! (Sorry to get TMI again.) It’s nice to read a few pages of my book throughout the day, rather than being on my phone. And maybe I’ll get back to lunchtime reading again. It would be much more refreshing to sit on my patio and read for 30 minutes, rather than scrolling through Reddit. I know the cats would be happy about it! And I really do miss sneaking in reading time throughout the day. It just doesn’t feel natural to me to only read before bed!

This experiment was fun to do and who knows, maybe I’ll do it again a few years from now, and my reading life will look entirely different again! That’s what’s so fun about doing these posts. 🙂

Where/when do you get most of your reading done?

Categories: About Me

My Current Skincare Routine

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a long time, but I forced myself to wait until I was in a consistent skincare routine for at least six months so I could give some honest thoughts about the products I’m using and my routine in general. And since I started following a skincare routine in December of last year, that means it’s time! (I want to preface this post by saying none of the links in this post are affiliate links. You can feel safe clicking, ha!)

I’ll start by talking about my skin. There are five things I’m addressing with a skincare routine:

  • Oiliness – My skin is naturally oily, which is why I have to constantly reapply powder whenever I wear foundation. (I get so shiny by mid-day!) I want to be able to control the shine somehow.
  • Breakouts – There’s not much skincare can do for my breakouts since they’re hormonal (I always get 1-2 pimples around my period), but I would like to lessen their severity if possible.
  • Skin redness – My esthetician told me that I have very fair skin with red undertones, which is why my face can get red and splotchy throughout the day. This is why I never went to work without my foundation in place because it never failed, every time I went without, someone would ask me why my face was so red. Ugh.
  • Acne scars – All of the experts were right: I definitely came to regret popping and picking at my zits. I have dark spots all over my face (mostly around my chin and jawline) from old acne scars and they drive me crazy.
  • Aging – I’m 33 so it’s time to think about anti-aging products.

When I decided to get serious about skincare in December, I started by buying Murad Acne Control Clarifying Cleanser, OleHenriksen Balancing Force Oil Control Toner, and Murad Skin Perfecting Moisturizer. I enjoyed all three products, but I eventually switched over to Paula’s Choice since everyone raved about them. I also listened to an episode of 10 Things to Tell You with Jamie Golden, who talked all about her skincare routine. Jamie is the queen of skincare and I learned so much from that episode. I scribbled down notes the whole time and listened to it twice to be sure I didn’t miss anything.

I want to echo what Jamie said at the end of that episode, too, which is that you don’t need to have a skincare routine if you don’t want to. And having a skincare routine is the ultimate privilege because, at this point, I’m spending upwards of $100 per month on products—and that’s something I definitely couldn’t have afforded earlier in my life. But now I can and, more importantly, I want to do this for myself. If you don’t care about this stuff, that’s absolutely fine! You do you. For me, I genuinely enjoy learning all about skincare and products to use, and I find the 10 minutes I take at the beginning and end of every day to take care of my face to be incredibly rewarding.

So, without further ado, here is what my skincare routine looks like right now:

Step 0: Pre-cleanse (only at night)

I only ever do a pre-cleanse (or double cleanse) at night and only on days I wear makeup. I just feel like my face needs a little extra cleansing whenever I’ve slathered foundation into my pores. I use Palmer’s Skin Therapy Cleansing Oil, and it’s pretty good. I feel like my face feels really clean after I use it.

Step 1: Cleanse

Right now, I’m using Paula’s Choice CLEAR Pore Normalizing Cleanser, which is for acne-prone skin. I’m in the process of switching over to their Redness Relief line to see if that makes an impact on my redness. But I like their cleansers. They just feel so good going on!

Step 2: Toner

Toner always feels so good on my face after I cleanse, because my face can feel a little tight afterward. I started using Paula’s Choice CALM Redness Relief Toner last week, although I was using the CLEAR line before and liked it. It feels really soothing on my face with none of that stinging sensation that some toners have.

Step 3: Exfoliate (only at night)

I skip this step in the morning, as I don’t think it’s necessary to do it twice a day. I use Paula’s Choice Skin Perfecting 2% BHA Liquid Exfoliant and it does an excellent job at unclogging my pores (my esthetician rarely has to do any extractions during my facials!) It’s gentle and soothing and I really like it! If you’re interested in exploring more options for effective chemical peel products, click here for a curated selection. You can also go to a med spa for a chemical peel treatment such as this chemical peel in New Albany, IN or chemical peel facials in Grand Rapids, MI.

Step 4: Mask (once a week, at night)

Once a week, I do a face mask. I typically just buy something that strikes my fancy at Target; I love their collection of $2 or $3 face masks! I’m currently using up a clay mask sample from Freeman and also really like Yes to Tomatoes Detoxifying Charcoal Mud Face Mask. Both leave my skin feeling so soft!

Step 5: Niacinamide serum

One of the main things I learned from Jamie Golden’s episode on 10 Things to Tell You is all about serums, which is an area of skincare I hadn’t explored. Basically, every skincare routine should include vitamin A (retinol), vitamin B (niacinamide), and vitamin C. All of the serums I use come from Paula’s Choice and while they can be pricey (a .67-ounce bottle of Paula’s Choice 10% Niacinamide Booster is $44), it’s not something you’ll have to buy too often.

The main benefits of niacinamide are anti-aging, reducing pores/fine lines, reducing redness, and brightening skin and I have to say, I do think I’ve seen a difference in my skin since I’ve started using it. Moreover, exploring options like Pico Laser Singapore and microneedling with RF such as RF microneedling in Bowie, MD or Morpheus8 treatment for targeted skin rejuvenation has piqued my interest lately, given its reputation for effectively addressing various skin concerns with minimal downtime. You can consult services that provide aesthetic medicine in El Paso, TX or dermatologists, preferably ones that have attended a conference like a dermatology conference – Music City Scale, for additional guidance.

Step 6: Retinol (only at night)

Everyone’s talking about retinol these days, but it’s probably the most important part of any skincare routine if you’re concerned about aging. I learned from Jamie that retinol must be added veeeery slowly to your skincare routine. (Retinol is basically stripping away old skin cells to form new ones, which can be quite the process!) It’s not something to do every day at first. For me, since I have sensitive skin, I started with once a week for about a month and then moved up to twice a week, three times a week, and so on. I’m still not ready to use it every day, so right now, I’m putting it on every third day. Hopefully, I can move that up to every other day soon, but I’m still feeling a stinging sensation the morning after I use it when I put on my moisturizer. I’m not sure if it’s the product (I use Paula’s Choice CLINICAL 1% Retinol Treatment) or just my skin sensitivity.

Step 7: Vitamin C serum

I use Paula’s Choice C15 Super Booster (it has 15% vitamin C) and while most skincare experts say you only need to use it once a day (in the morning), I use it twice a day so I can get the most bang for my buck with its benefits (evens out skin tone, brightens skin, fights signs of aging, etc.)

Step 8: Moisturizer

I use two different moisturizers, as my morning moisturizer has SPF (which is a must if you’re using retinol/serums, as your skin is going to be much more sensitive to UV rays) and my evening one does not. I’m using up my bottle of Paula’s Choice RESIST Youth-Extending Daily Hydrating Moisturizer with SPF 50 and then will switch over to Paula’s Choice CALM Redness Relief SPF 30 Mineral Moisturizer; that’s obviously my morning moisturizer. In the evenings, I’m using Paula’s Choice CLEAR Oil-Free Moisturizer.

Step 9: Eye cream (only at night)

I don’t use eye cream faithfully because I don’t know how much I believe that these products work. And I only use sampler—whatever comes in my Ipsy bag or if I can add on a sample for free in my Paula’s Choice order. Currently, I’m using Paula’s Choice CLINICAL Ceramide-Enriched Firming Eye Cream, which I got for free in one of my orders.

Step 10: Spot treatment

Whenever I feel a zit coming on, I’ll dab on spot treatment. I use ClarityRx ClearZit On The Spot Blemish Control, which is what my esthetician recommended for me and this stuff works. It comes with an applicator that looks like a lip gloss brush and it usually dries up the zit fast. I get whiteheads or pustules (painful red bumps that take for-freaking-ever to go away). It doesn’t work quite as well on the pustules but is very effective for whiteheads.

As a recap, here’s what my routine looks like in the morning vs. nighttime:

Morning

  • Cleanser
  • Toner
  • Niacinamide
  • Vitamin C
  • Moisturizer with SPF
  • Spot treatment (as needed)

Night

  • Cleanser (double-cleanse on days I wear makeup)
  • Toner
  • Exfoliator
  • Face mask (once a week)
  • Niacinamide
  • Retinol
  • Vitamin C
  • Moisturizer
  • Eye cream (when I remember to do it; usually 1-3 times a week)
  • Spot treatment (as needed)

If this seems like a lot of work, it can be! I am not faithful to my routine every night, but I have been surprised that it’s something I do about 90% of the time. Maybe it’s because I’m spending so much on skincare these days that I don’t want my products to go to waste! But it’s also something I enjoy. I put on a podcast, bring out all of my supplies, and go to town. It’s a soothing routine for me!

What does your skincare routine look like? (No judgment! I’d love to know what yours looks like, even though I know it won’t look like mine and that is just fine!)

Categories: About Me

On Boundaries and Achieving a Better Work/Life Balance

I had a mental breakdown last week that involved me sobbing at my desk and sobbing on the couch and sobbing while talking to my mom on the phone. I was irritable and set off by the tiniest inconvenience—like when Lila jumped up on the desk and kept reaching out her paw to ask for pets. (I knew I was losing it when even that made me angry.) The truth is that I have not had any type of work/life balance for the past few months. Or maybe it’s been going on even longer than that. Maybe my work/life balance has been shitty since the pandemic started. Once I was working from home with no commute to worry about or social plans to get to, well, it became easier to stay logged into my work computer later and later in the evening. It became normal for me to work on the weekends, even if it was just a few hours on a Saturday.

I want to be clear that this is all something I’ve put on myself. My company does not expect this from me. They very much celebrate work/life balance and want all of their employees to be happy and productive without feeling burned out. It’s just an expectation I’ve put on myself to do it all, even when it’s impossible to get it all done without working late and working weekends. But something’s gotta give.

I used to be someone who prided myself on my work/life balance. I knew how to leave work at work and get out of the office at a decent hour so I could enjoy my evening. My job was just something I did Monday through Friday, but nights and weekends were for me. For friends and family and reading and doing whatever the hell I wanted. But the pandemic shifted all of that for me because, suddenly, work was the biggest part of my life (aside from doom-scrolling the Internet). And now I’m in a very unhealthy space where work has become an identity for me and everything else falls to the wayside.

When I told a friend about my mental breakdown, she said something that really hit home for me: I probably needed to have this breakdown to finally make some real changes to my life. And I think she’s absolutely right because it was after all those tears that I was able to sit down, think long and hard about what I want my work life to look like, and create true hard-and-fast boundaries. Here’s what I came up with:

1) Work stops at 6pm, no excuses.

You know that “5pm” feeling you get when the workday is winding down? I realized that I’ve stopped having that feeling. Instead, by the time 4:30 rolls around, I’m freaking out about how much left I have to do and how much longer I’ll have to work. (“Ugh, this is gonna be one of those 7:30 or later nights. Better order Ubereats.”) It never crossed my mind that work could stop when 5pm or 6pm rolled around. For me, work stopped when everything (or the most pressing things) was checked off my to-do list. Maybe this is a function of the work-from-home lifestyle and of being a single woman with no kids to take care of: I just figured that since I have the time, I should utilize it. I felt the need to prove that I was being a productive, valuable employee, even though my company never asked that of me.

So I gave myself this boundary: I must log off my work computer by 6pm, no excuses. It doesn’t matter if I only did half of the things on my to-do list. I must step away and move on with my evening. I deserve that. In the past week, as I’ve been holding myself to this new rule, I’ve found myself eagerly anticipating that 6pm cut-off. It’s been fun to get excited about the end of the workday again!

2) There is no working on weekends.

I can’t believe I have to implement this boundary for myself because I never used to work on weekends. Every now and then, when work was exceptionally busy, sure. But every weekend? Nope, nope, nope. My weekends were mine and I guarded them fiercely. But then, ya know, life. Work got super busy and it was just easy to hop on the computer for a few hours every weekend if it made my upcoming work week a bit easier. I had to put an end to it. My weekends deserve to be mine again! Even if I decide to do nothing more than take long naps and spend long periods reading on the couch, that’s what weekends are for. So this is my new boundary. The computer shuts off at 12:30pm on Fridays (half-day Fridays are where it’s at!) and doesn’t turn back on until Monday morning. No excuses!

3) There is no thinking about work during off hours.

Are you one of those people who is constantly running through your work to-do list right as you’re trying to fall asleep at night? I can relate! Even when I’m not working, I’m constantly thinking about work and my to-do list and what I need to accomplish to hit my end-of-month deadline goals. It’s very exhausting, and I’m trying to train my brain to not think about work during my off hours. Like anything mentally focused, this is going to take some time. But just like they teach you in meditation, it’s not about not ever thinking about work when I’m not working. It’s about noticing when it happens and redirecting my thoughts to something else. It’s been a really pleasant experience so far!

These three simple boundaries are already paying off in major ways in my life, helping me feel more balanced and at peace. I never wanted to be one of those workaholic people; I never found joy in busyness or productivity. I found myself in that space and if it had to take a mental breakdown for me to make some changes to achieve better work/life balance, then I’m glad it happened.

Let’s talk work/life balance: Do you have it or is it something you’re working on?

Categories: About Me

Mays of Years Past

Last week, Lisa wrote a post going through her photos of Mays of years past, and I loved it so much that I wanted to do the same. May can be a really interesting month for me, as it’s typically the month I take my big annual vacation with my mom and it’s also my grandma’s birthday, so seeing the photos of me celebrating with her before she passed away in 2015 is really special. I’ll start with 2014!

May 2014

All of these photos make me so happy! This is Grandma and me on her 72nd birthday. I believe she was going through cancer treatment at this time (her chemo didn’t cause hair loss). I remember asking to take a photo with her, and her trying to refuse because she was still in her nightgown. I’m glad I forced her to take a photo anyway! The day after Grandma’s birthday, my mom and I left on a cruise! This was our fifth cruise together and we traveled to Key West and the Bahamas. Our time in Key West was fraught, as my mom fell and injured herself right after we got off the ship. But she got it together enough to enjoy a pub crawl!

May 2015

Oh, what a fun collection of pictures! My nephew, D., was born in February of 2015 and those baby snuggles (and silly picture-taking!) were the best. My grandma had another birthday (73!) and it’s hard to believe that she would pass away not even six months later. And Mom and I went on another cruise! Our 2015 cruise was one for the record books because Mom and I both sustained injuries on this cruise—she fell off a bike during our excursion in the Bahamas, and I broke my ankle during our excursion in Puerto Rico. Fun times, indeed!

May 2016

A more low-key May for me! I was living with my roommate, Bri, this year and I took the middle photo of her as she waited for our cookies to bake. I’ve always loved how impatient she is for sweets! 🙂 I also love this photo I took of Dutch. He used to fall asleep on me like this all the time and I would soak up the snuggles. Also this month, Mom and I did a really fun race called “ColorBuzz” where we went through all sorts of obstacles and got colored powder thrown on us. It was fun! And then afterward, we tried finding a Dairy Queen for ice cream and my GPS took us somewhere super isolated, and we both got creeped out and backtracked. We ended up getting McFlurries at the McDonald’s near me instead, haha.

May 2017

A trip to Puerto Rico was the highlight of May 2017. Mom and I stayed there for a little less than a week and tried to make the most of our stay. We did a walking tour of historic San Juan, went horseback riding, hiked to a waterfall, and spent time relaxing on a dog-friendly beach. It was such a lovely vacation!

May 2018

In May of 2018, Mom and I were back to what we do best: cruising! We took our 8th cruise together where we zip-lined in Honduras, rode horses in Belize, and sipped fruity drinks poolside in Puerto Rico. This was a fun cruise but I was in the midst of a severe depressive episode that I was trying not to acknowledge. I spent the entire cruise wishing for it to be over because I just wanted to be at home in my own bed. It was after this cruise and how unhappy I was even on what looked like a fun vacation that I got serious about finding a therapist.

May 2019

In May of this year, I did something I’ve never done before: traveled overseas! While I’ve been on so many cruises and seen a ton of the Caribbean and South America, I have never been to Europe, and my mom and I scored a great deal on flights to Ireland. We saw the Cliffs of Moher, explored Galway and Dublin, and experienced train travel for the first time. I learned a lot about my traveling style during this trip, mainly that I’d probably do better with a tour group and definitely need more breaks than other people. But it was still fun and I can’t wait to return to Europe—maybe in 2022?

May 2020

What a wild time May of 2020 was! It was just the second month of full lockdown and I was still nervously waiting to find out how much longer my company was going to let us work from home. I saw my mom for the first time in over a month on Mother’s Day, finally deciding that if I was going to survive COVID lockdown, she had to be in my bubble. I also saw my brother and nephews for the first time since February! (They also had to be part of my bubble.) As a single person, I just couldn’t be completely isolated. That would have been detrimental to my mental health.

May 2021

What a difference a year makes! This May, I celebrated being fully vaccinated against COVID-19. Book club has been back in action for a few months, I’m in the middle of planning a tropical vacation with my mom for August, and we welcomed a brand-new dachshund puppy into our family—my fur-sister, Lucy. Life isn’t quite back to normal, but it’s getting there.

Pick a year and tell me what you were doing in May of that year!

Categories: About Me

How I’ve Grown as an Enneagram 9

The Enneagram is my favorite personality framework—so much so that I follow all of those popular Enneagram Instagrams and listen to an Enneagram podcast. Near the end of 2018, I discovered my Enneagram type (9). I didn’t take a test, but rather read The Road Back to You and learned about all the different types to pinpoint which one is mine. While I vacillated between a few types (4, 6, and 9), I ultimately settled on 9 due to the way reading the chapter about this type made me feel—incredibly seen in a way I’ve never experienced.

It’s been two-and-a-half years since I typed myself and I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery to learn more about my type, its strengths and weaknesses, and how to be my healthiest self in a type that is prone to be indecisive, lazy, and passive. Here are some of the ways I’ve grown in the past few years as an Enneagram 9:

I’ve learned to speak up more.

Speaking up does not come naturally to me. Sometimes (most times), I won’t even correct someone if they say something wrong. That’s why it was so good for me to learn that a common Enneagram 9 weakness is speaking up. We don’t like to rock the boat or cause anyone to feel upset with our opinions. Because I know this about myself, I’ve been challenging myself to speak up and give an opinion more often. It scares me every time and I always think I’m going to ruin a friendship forever, but it’s been a good exercise for me. Even if a friend doesn’t agree with my opinion, we can still have a great discussion and it proves to me that it’s okay to speak up. People want to hear my opinions (as long as I’m respectful, of course!)

I’ve learned about my primary subtype: self-preservation, which means I meet my physical needs through activities.

I’m still learning about subtypes, so I’m not sure if I’ll explain them as correctly as possible, but the basic theory is that we all have three subtypes within us: self-preservation (concerned with physical safety), social (concerned with being part of a group/working toward a greater good), and one-to-one/sexual (concerned about building relationships with people). My primary subtype is self-preservation, which means I am most focused on meeting my physical needs through activities. I seek out comforting activities when I’m feeling off-balance: reading, watching TV, napping, eating, etc. Having this deeper knowledge of my personality type has been really eye-opening for why I do what I do when I’m feeling low.

I’ve learned that my fear of abandonment will be something I constantly have to fight against.

It’s time to get really vulnerable here. The core fear of an Enneagram 9 is “loss and separation,” and for me, that translates to abandonment. I was the kid who never wanted to be far away from my teachers or my parents because I needed to know they were nearby and weren’t going to leave me. And when I was, eventually, abandoned by my father (in a sense), it understandably threw me for a loop and caused me to doubt the love of the people around me. It’s part of the reason I don’t date much (what if they leave me?) and part of the reason I tend to hold friends at arm’s length (once they know the real me, they will leave me). I’m trying to combat this thought pattern—it’s, like, 90% of what I talked about in therapy—and recognize it as illogical. I know I am a valued person in so many people’s lives! But it’s this little part of me that’s always in the back of my head, and I know it will always be one of my struggles.

I’ve learned that I struggle with inertia.

Enneagram 9s are sometimes given a bad rap of being lazy, and, well, this is very much true for me. I have a hard time getting started on things and seeing them through to completion. I want to take breaks constantly, but I know that I’ll have an enormously hard time getting back to work when I do. What’s helped is setting up block scheduling for work, where I specifically map out the times I need to focus and when I can take a break (and what I can do during those breaks). I also really love using a timer or the Pomodoro method to help me get through big work tasks. When it comes to my personal life, I love setting a timer for 10 minutes and seeing how much I can get done in that time (can I clean the kitchen and brush my teeth and empty out the litter boxes in 10 minutes?!). However, the thing about struggles is that just knowing this is a challenge for me (and is likely due to the way my brain works, not some inherent flaw) helps me set up systems to combat this struggle and make it work for me. And that’s what I’m doing!

I’ve learned that my 1 wing is strong when it comes to politics and justice.

Every Enneagram type has one dominant wing, and it’s one of the numbers on each side of your type. As an Enneagram 9, this means my wing is either a 1 or an 8. I am firmly a 9w1, especially as I can develop black-and-white thinking about certain concepts (which is very opposite of a 9, as we typically can see all sides of an issue!) For me, politics is one of those black-and-white issues. I am very vocal about my political beliefs, my issues with the Republican party, and my stances on justice and feminism. I’ve gotten into quite a few arguments with my brother due to my strong-held beliefs (he’s not as politically engaged as I am, but knows how to push my buttons about certain issues, as siblings tend to do!)

It’s only been two-and-a-half years since I learned my Enneagram type and I’ve already seen myself grow so much! And this growth will only continue, as I strive to work through the challenging parts of my type and set myself up for success. And I think that’s what is so special about the Enneagram. It teaches you about your core fears, motivations, desires, and challenges, and allows you to look at yourself with compassion. I could beat myself up for my laziness… or I could develop strategies to help me combat this (as well as be kinder to myself when I am lazy, because we all deserve to be lazy now and then!) I wouldn’t say I love being an Enneagram 9 (how I wish I could be an enthusiastic 7 or an ambitious 3!), but it’s who I am and I’m glad to know her very much.

What’s your Enneagram type?