Long time, no chat, eh?
For most of September and October, I was depressed. Depression is something I struggle with, but it’s not something that’s an everyday part of my life. It typically hits me during random periods, and I can usually drag myself out of them within a few days. This time was different. This time lasted many weeks and affected everything: the way I felt about myself, my relationships, my life. My focus at work. My hobbies. I couldn’t go on social media without feeling like everyone was having fun without me, and everyone would be ok if I just fully exited their lives forever. That sounds so dramatic, but it was how I felt at the time. I was in an incredibly dark place and when I am in that place, I don’t feel as if I have purpose anymore.
I tried just pushing through the pain and darkness for weeks, but it wasn’t working. Writing can be cathartic for me and I’m committed to always talking about the hard stuff, but I just wasn’t in a place to really dig into what I was going through. It was all too raw and painful and happening in real-time. I was in a dark place that I didn’t know if I was ever going to get out of. (When I tried to remind myself of the good days and the times when my depression wasn’t such a suffocating force in my life, my brain continually fed me lies. “You weren’t really so happy, were you? Have you ever actually been happy?”)
And truthfully, it was also scary to be in this place. It’s scary to have my brain work against me at this level. All I wanted to do was sleep because, at least then, my brain was quiet for a while.
I decided to take time away from my blog. I was trying to write a Friday blog post and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t muster the energy to talk about my life and pretend things were fine when they just weren’t. I deleted the blog post I was working on and told myself I was going to step away from the blog for two weeks. I wasn’t going to make some big to-do about it. I was just going to take the time away, unannounced.
At this time, I also deleted Instagram from my phone (the only social media app I use) because it was starting to feel like an unhealthy place for me to be. I didn’t want to worry about what other people were posting or what I should be posting or how much better people have been at adapting to Instagram’s changing landscape than I have (looking at you, Reels). I regularly take breaks from Instagram and I have a 30-minute daily time limit on it as it is, but I really needed to fully delete the app and step away from it for a couple of weeks for my mental health.
Alongside my depression was my dearest friend, anxiety. As I mentioned in a previous post, my anxiety has been at an all-time low for a really long time—so much so that I weaned myself off Lexapro. But things got really bad in October with my anxiety. I was living in a constant state of high anxiety and obsessive thoughts. I would latch onto one thing (typically, my mom dying) and wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it no matter how many different tricks I tried. I started having regular panic attacks, something I don’t experience often but became part of my daily existence. I never feel more like a crazy person than when my anxiety is out of control like this.
In the end, I called my doctor and got back on Lexapro. I still remember calling the pharmacy in tears on a Saturday when they hadn’t yet filled the Lexapro prescription and I was so worried I was going to have to wait until Monday to call my doctor back and get this taken care of. (Even though the pharmacy would have given me an emergency three-day dose if I really needed it, I was just worried that something was going to happen to push back the date of restarting Lexapro.) And when the pharmacist confirmed they had my prescription refill request and would be filling it in the hour, I miiiight have burst into tears. I was just so tired of being depressed and sad and anxious all the time, and I wanted to do something that would get the wheels turning in the right direction.
And it did. Perhaps it was a placebo effect (okay, it was definitely a placebo effect), but the day after I restarted Lexapro, I started feeling better. And each day since, I’ve come back to myself little by little. Today, I feel the most myself in a long time and I am so happy to have crawled through that dark place to get here. It was the hardest fucking thing, as anyone who struggles with mental illness knows, but I made it to the other side.
I planned to come back to blogging and social media in two weeks, although I was prepared for my break to last longer if I needed it to. What I didn’t expect was to get bronchitis the weekend before I was set to return.
Aside from my severe reaction to the second Covid vaccine, I haven’t been sick in over two years at this point. Between working from home, wearing masks when I’ve been in public, and not being around people all that often, I’ve been at my most physically healthy. But then my mom got sick with bronchitis (there were a very scary few days in there where we thought she might have Covid) and, of course, I ended up getting sick from her. SIGH. It has not been a fun week over here. Last weekend, I was mostly dealing with chills, fever, and a slight sore throat, but then Monday hit and I was sneezing like crazy, coughing up my lungs, and dealing with intense fatigue. Thankfully, I’m on the mend and mostly just dealing with an irritating cough. Even though I was pretty sure it wasn’t Covid, I still went and got tested (negative!).
And now I’ve written over 900 words about where I’ve been for the last few weeks. I got sweet emails from people checking in on me, which was really nice. Knowing that my absence was felt by other people (especially people I’ve never met IRL!) gives me that sense of purpose that was lacking when I was feeling deeply depressed. I need to bottle up that feeling. <3
But I’m excited to be back, excited to be feeling better (both physically and mentally), and excited to write again. I really missed this space and connecting with you guys and opening my heart. In fact, I missed it so much that I’ve decided to participate in National Blog Posting Month (publishing a blog post every day in November). While not an official challenge anymore, my friend San has carried on the tradition and inspired others to do the same. Get ready to see a lot more of me in your feeds, friends! (One of my goals with this challenge is to do a weekly Q&A post, so I’ve created this form where you can ask any questions you want! Or you can comment on this post or email me with your question if that’s easier for you.)
