Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Thirty-three

Today, I am 33 years old.

This year, my birthday feels rather lackluster. Maybe it’s because I like to take a trip around my birthday, and this year is the first year I haven’t gone on a single vacation. Maybe it’s just the fatigue of living through a global pandemic and feeling like life was at a standstill for most of the year. Maybe it’s just the panic I feel about being in my mid-thirties now and not sure if I’m where I want to be.

There was a lot I was hoping to get done at 32. But I couldn’t have expected what awaited me this year. It wasn’t a year for pushing through big goals. It was a year about surviving and trying to thrive when the country was locked down, hundreds (sometimes thousands) of people dying every day of a deadly virus, and everyone you see now has a cloth mask covering most of their face. For the first six weeks of the pandemic, I didn’t see a single person. Not even my mom. Those were the hardest six weeks of my life. Just imagine not being touched by another person for six weeks – not a gentle touch on the hand, not a hug, nothing. I’m not even a touchy-feely person, but that was really hard on me. Humans are made for connection, for touch.

There were good things about this year, though. It wasn’t all bad. I’ve been able to experiment with a full-time remote work life and discovered I love it more than I thought possible. I grew closer to some friends as we worked through this difficult year together. I fell deeper in love with my glorious cats who are two of the best souls in my life. I moved into a new apartment, one that is much bigger than my previous place, and I’ve had a blast decorating it. I read the most books that I’ve ever read. I was a poll worker! I had a photoshoot with my best friends, went kayaking for the first time, and ran a mud race.

Thirty-two was a year of ups and downs, that’s for sure, and here’s where I stand at thirty-three:

I am single and loving it. I did not think I would be here, 33 and single, and yet, it’s exactly where I want to be. I do not have a natural inclination toward partnership (even though society has tried to tell me again and again that it’s what I “should” want in order to be satisfied) but neither do I desire casual relationships. I am choosing to remain open to romantic love if it happens to me, but I am not chasing after it. I am choosing to build a big, full life that makes me happy without waiting for a partner to “fill in the gaps.” I am choosing to love every moment of this beautiful single life I get to lead and take pleasure in the simple things, like always ordering exactly what I want for dinner. 🙂

I continue to battle my generalized anxiety disorder, and most days, it is manageable. I am proud to have come to this place where my anxiety disorder no longer defines who I am. It took a lot of therapy to get here and it takes a daily 20mg pill of Lexapro to keep me here. It involves taking care of myself on the bad days—letting myself rest, letting myself be less productive, opening up to a friend—so that the bad days don’t crumble me. I will battle my anxiety for a lifetime, but I know it’s worth fighting.

I work in content marketing and love what I do, even seven years later. I love my job. It suits my skills, challenges me, and makes me feel good about myself. I’ve never been someone who was concerned about my career. I just never had the inclination toward climbing some corporate ladder and my shyness means I struggle with initiative. I hated my first job out of college and never felt like I was doing a good job. It’s the opposite with this job. Here, I feel comfortable, successful, and eager to try new things and accept new roles. I’m so grateful to not only have a job that suits my skillset so well but also to have a job I love!

I am the most financially stable than I have ever been. I grew up poor and earned a meager $25,000/year during my first few years out of college. There were times when my financial status felt like a burden I would never find relief from. Today, I feel more financially stable and aware than ever. I live on my own, in an apartment I could not have afforded just a few years ago. I pay my bills on time and have money to save and spend. I can not only buy the things I need but also the things I want. It’s the most amazing feeling and I don’t take it for granted, ever.

I have a core group of girlfriends that I love dearly, and more friends scattered far and wide. I didn’t have many friends growing up, or at least friends I was especially close to. I have always had a fear of abandonment and a fear that people just don’t really like me. It was always easier to keep people at arm’s length. That way, I couldn’t be hurt. But that’s no way to live, and I’m glad I have made investing in friendships a priority for me. It’s especially important as a single person (although I think people in relationships should also be investing in friendship, of course!) because these are my people. The ones who remind me that I may be single but I am never alone. The ones I can reach out to, the ones who check on me, the ones who make me feel loved and accepted and valued. I am so grateful for my friendships.

I still want to write a book, but I’m just not sure what the road to get there will look like anymore. I decided to take a long break from writing my book this year. I made the official decision sometime in October, but since I haven’t truly worked on my story since the summer, the break has been going on longer than that. I just didn’t label it until then. I feel good about this decision because it’s not as if I’m giving up on this dream… I’m just setting it aside for right now. I don’t really know what the road to finally writing and finishing that book will look like (or if it will even be a novel like I’ve always imagined!) but I know I have enough fire in me to make it happen. Just not right now.

I am the largest I have ever been, and my health is not great. I can blame the pandemic for this, but I don’t know if that’s a fair assessment of how I got to where I am today. While I believe that fat is beautiful and fat people can be healthy, I am not in a healthy place myself. I am at least 60 lbs away from where I should be health-wise and on the precipice of being pre-diabetic. I struggle with hypoglycemia, and that’s simply due to my diet. I do not drink enough water, eat enough vegetables, exercise enough. I am not ashamed of where I am, not at all, but I believe that owning my role in my unhealthiness is necessary for me to move toward a place of health and wellness. I want to feel good, no matter if I’m 140 lbs or 200 lbs, and I do not feel good right now.

I still battle my tendency toward jealousy, resentment, and fear of abandonment. These are emotions that I don’t like to speak about, but they are so true to my core identity. These are the emotions that follow me wherever I go. They whisper in my ears that people don’t really like me, that I’m a hard person to love, that everyone will leave me one day. But I battle these emotions. I understand that they don’t exist in reality. I can draw on examples of people showing up for me, of loving me. These emotions will likely follow me throughout my life, but they do not have to define me. And I’m working hard to make sure they don’t.

I am rarely ever bored, filling my time with reading, blogging, family time, friend dates, and work. My life is full and I don’t even know what it means to be bored. There are blog posts to write or blogs to read. There are TV shows to watch and plenty of books to read. There is work to do. I try to see my mom at least once a week, but it’s often multiple times a week. I have regular game nights with my brother and older nephew (and during football season, we spent the entirety of Sunday together). I have friend dates and there’s always someone who is willing to have dinner or a reading date or see a movie. (Of course, that was all pre-COVID, but I have still made a point to see friends throughout this pandemic. We’re just being MUCH more careful than we normally would.)

My cats are my world. I did not know I would become a crazy cat lady, but here I am. I love my cats fiercely and can’t imagine my life without them. I can’t believe how perfect they are, how sweet, how silly. They make me laugh all the time and I always miss them when I’m away from them. I am so glad they picked me to be their person, and I don’t take their trust in me for granted ever.

At 33, I am content with my life. Are there things I would change? Absolutely. But isn’t that true for all of us? There are always things we can change, ways to challenge ourselves to be a better version of who we are right now. I didn’t expect that 32 would bring me a global pandemic and massive changes to life as I know it. So I can’t say for certain what I want from 33. But in its most basic form, I want to be happy. I want to love what I have right now. I want to strive to change the things I am unhappy about. And I want to love myself and my people as much as I can.

Categories: About Me

On Writing… and Not Writing

I spend a lot of time thinking about this crazy idea I have about writing a novel. Thinking about how many hours I’ve put into writing all of the different drafts… and how many more hours I have left to go before I have anything resembling a novel that can be pitched to literary agents and publishing houses. I think about the tiny percentage of aspiring novelists who get their work published by big-name publishers and the even tinier percentage that makes a name for themselves in the book world.

Of course, if you’re going to write a novel, you can’t think of those numbers. Because that’s not the point, is it? The point isn’t to become famous and see my novel on every bookstore’s bestseller table. The point is that there is nothing more natural, nothing more essential, nothing more exciting than writing. To write is to live. To write is to breathe. To write is to know who I am.

So who am I if I do not write? If I close that document on my Google Drive, and I pack it away in a file folder within a file folder within a file folder. If I tell myself I don’t have to do this to myself anymore. I don’t have to write or think about characters or brainstorm about plot.

Who am I if I decide that this dream I’ve had since I was a little girl and filling up notebooks with book ideas… was just the dream of a little girl? Not the dream of a grown-up.

I’ve been trying to find the motivation to work on my novel for the better part of this year. I just have no desire to sit down with these characters or plot out the story. I’ve tried not to be too hard on myself because the pandemic has halted many creative pursuits. It’s hard to focus on writing a silly romance when I’m deeply concerned about the fate of our nation. Back in March, my writing partner and I moved to Zoom for our weekly, two-hour writing dates. Sometimes I’d work on my novel, but more often than not, I’d use that time to work on blog posts or answer emails.

I started rewriting my plot sometime over the summer. Or maybe it was even earlier than that. I had written a good chunk of the novel (most of it during NaNoWriMo 2019) and wrote myself into a corner. I wasn’t sure where I wanted to take the novel. So I went back to the drawing board with the plan of getting my plot in tip-top shape for NaNoWriMo 2020.

But I wasn’t doing that. I wasn’t working on my novel. I always found something else to do: books to read, blog posts to write, emails to answer, blogs to engage with, cats to play with, TV shows to watch. And if you think I didn’t beat myself up for not having the motivation to sit down at my computer every night to work on my novel, you don’t know me. I was frustrated with myself. I talked to myself the way I would an enemy. “You must not want this badly enough if you’re not willing to put in the work, you lazy piece of shit. You think other writers moan and groan about having “motivation”? No. They just do the goddamn work.”

Hi, my name is Stephany and I suck at positive self-talk.

Right around the time I was having these pleasant conversations with myself, I read a blog post that gently encouraged me to look at all the different facets of my life and consider their value. What is adding value, what is taking it away? What feels good when I do it, and what doesn’t? What brings me deep, abiding pleasure?

These simple questions unlocked a torrent of emotions. It made me take a good, hard look at the why behind my lack of motivation with my novel. I considered what it might mean, what it might say about me, if I gave up my dream of writing a novel.

How would it reframe the way I saw myself, the way I set up my life? Would it open up space in my creative life to consider other pursuits—growing my blog or pitching articles to publications or starting a podcast?

Would it make me feel like a failure, as if I was giving up on myself just because it felt hard?

Or maybe I don’t have to attach any meaning to this decision. It could just be… a decision I made at this point in my life, a decision I can revisit whenever I want. Imagine that!

A few weeks after deciding I wasn’t going to participate in NaNoWriMo and shelving away my story for the time being, my mind wouldn’t let me sleep. It was working overtime as a story idea—a previous one from a long ago time—jumped into my brain. I started daydreaming about this story, parsing through the characters and their motivations and the plot.

It was the first time in many months, maybe even years, that I’ve felt that sort of creativity pulsing through me.

It was electric. I forgot about that fire you feel when your mind is ablaze with creativity, and you can’t stop it from spreading if you try.

It got me excited about writing again.

I haven’t done anything about this new spark. I’m simply letting it burn through me. It lights up and it simmers, and I’m enjoying the simple delight that comes with a new idea that could transform into something so much more.

Maybe this story is the one. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s simply there to remind me that writing a novel is my destiny, and it’s okay if takes me a while to get there.

Categories: About Me

How I’m Doing

I read a blog post recently where the author posed the question, “How are you really doing?” Like, really, really doing. Can we talk about how we’re really, really doing? I’d like to think so. Here’s how I’m doing:

I’m missing Pops. Today marks two years since we unexpectedly lost him, and it’s still hard to fathom him being gone. He should still be here, and sometimes, I am so angry that he is not. He deserved so many more years on this Earth, and I deserved so many more years with him as my beloved grandfather. It’s the little things that devastate me the most, like seeing a man who looks just like him casually strolling through Target or finding a picture I took of the two of us together as I’m scrolling through my phone. I miss him so much, every day.

I’m nervous about being a poll worker. I can’t believe the election is in less than a week! OMG. I’m looking forward to the experience of being a poll worker, but also nervous about it. I just don’t know what to expect! Will the other poll workers be nice? Will I know what I’m doing? Will it be busy (Florida has mail-in ballots, no excuse needed, and early voting)? Will I be bored? Will I have to deal with stupid “poll watchers”? What if I get hungry? How many breaks am I going to get? How long am I going to be there—past 8, past 9? Should I bring extra masks? Should I get tested afterward? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

I’m terrified about this election. Our country cannot sustain another four years of Trump, and it’s terrifying to think about what could happen if he’s re-elected. I see way too many Trump yard signs and bumper stickers in my everyday life to feel even a little bit comfortable about this election. I don’t know how anyone can support Trump after his abysmal management of Covid, his complete disregard for norms, and his reluctance to call out white supremacists. I just hope Biden wins in a landslide and we can finally have some normalcy in the White House again.

My work is going through some significant structural changes, and it’s scary but also really exciting. Last week, we had a big, company-wide meeting to discuss these changes and it was a lot of information to digest and a super-long meeting by my standards (two hours). My department and my job won’t be changing or being restructured, which I am the most grateful for! Most of the changes that will be happening to me, specifically, are good changes—like a better system for tracking PTO, more PTO hours, better health insurance, etc. Other changes are likely to come, but for now, I’m trying to remain optimistic about what those will be.

Speaking of work, I am officially a full-time remote worker and I am thrilled about it! My company is transitioning to a mostly remote workforce, with our office turning into a coworking space in early 2021. It’s so exciting! I enjoy working from home so much and I’m glad I won’t have to give it up anytime soon. Last week, I went back to my office (only the second time since mid-March!) to pick up my full desktop computer (tower, two monitors, and two monitor stands) and my life has chaaaanged. It is so different working right from my computer, rather than remoting into it via a remote desktop system every morning (and subsequently, getting kicked off multiple times a day, sigh). The monitors are so much bigger and make working a billion times easier. Plus, I like that when I’m finished with work, I can fully shut down my computer and step away from my desk. (I’m trying to ONLY use my desk for work, and stay away from it in the evenings and on the weekend.)

I’m having many feelings about my birthday. I turn 33 this year, and I’m having feeeeelings about it. I’ve never really been one to feel “old” or lament the passage of time, and typically, I enjoy the hell out of my birthday. This year, things just feel different. Perhaps it’s the fact that I wasn’t able to check off some of the things I wanted to happen this year (dating, traveling, the novel, etc.) Maybe it’s just 2020 and feeling like this year was just… a waste, in a sense. Life felt at a standstill. I don’t feel like I’ve earned turning another year older! And yet, it’s happening and I will be 33 in one month. I thought about going away for the weekend but decided against it. I will try to enjoy the day with my usual fanfare (there will be a pedicure, a massage, and a lavish birthday dinner, for sure). And I will try to be grateful for the ability to turn another year older, grateful for my health and my family and my friends.

I’ve really enjoyed not spending money this month, and it hasn’t even been very hard. Okay, so I have spent a little money this month (I spent around $10 on Etsy prints and $4 on an e-book, and we can’t forget the FIFTY DOLLARS I spent on paints at Michaels, geez) but it’s nowhere near the level I spent in previous months! And it really hasn’t been that hard. There have been a few times when I started mindlessly searching for something on Amazon to buy before realizing what I was doing, which just goes to show you how goddamn easy it is to just spend money without really thinking about it. I got a package last week and it felt so weird! (It was my air filter, ha.) Maybe I’ll continue this into November, we’ll see. It’s been nice to have more money in my bank account, that’s for sure!

I am so sick of hot weather, and it’s making me very grumpy. You guys, I really thought I could bring back my midday walks. It’s the end of October, it’s snowing in the Midwest, it has to have cooled off here enough to attempt a 30-minute walk in the middle of the day. Um, no. Florida is still smack-dab in the summer. It’s been 100 degrees here in the afternoon (with 70% humidity, ughhhh). It’s making me very grumpy because I am so tired of the intense heat and humidity, and just want some cooler weather already. I’m not even asking for real fall weather—even highs in the low 80s would be acceptable!

Nothing makes me happier than my cats. I mean, can I gush about them for a bit? You guys, my cats are the best. They are sweet and loving and affectionate and a tiny bit naughty from time to time, but that keeps things interesting. 🙂 I love how Lila will jump up on my desk if she hears me talking during a meeting, and how Ellie spends all day curled up in the same spot on the bed, and how they encourage me to take a break from work to pet them. I love that I get to spend all day loving on them! It’s my favorite thing.

Tell me: How are you really doing?

Categories: About Me

My Bookish Demerits

I’m currently making my way through the archives of the bookish podcast, Currently Reading. It’s a really great podcast, especially because the hosts can get super snarky about books and reading. Too many bookish podcasts and #bookstagrammers don’t allow for the snark, and that just doesn’t work for me. Gimme your real thoughts about what you’re reading, please and thank you!

Anyway, one of the episodes in their archives involved talking about their “bookish demerits.” Your bookish demerits are the things you do (or don’t do) when it comes to your reading life that could be a hindrance. These are areas where maybe you could improve—or perhaps not. Thinking about my own bookish demerits was rather fun, and I thought I would share them here!

1) Not liking Jane Austen. I’ve read a few Jane Austen books, and haven’t liked any of them. I think I’ve given all of them 2 stars on Goodreads if I’ve even rated them. I feel like, in order to be a proper bookish woman, I should love Jane Austen and everything she stood for in literature, but her writing just doesn’t do it for me.

2) Abandoning books too soon. I have never been and never will be someone who thinks you should “finish what you started” when it comes to books. Some books are meant to be abandoned—maybe it’s the wrong time or simply just not the right book for you. But sometimes I worry that I abandon books too soon. Some books start off slow, some may not get to the meat of the story until halfway through. And I could miss out on a great story because of the slow start. Then again, there have been too many times to count where I’ve pushed through a slow start to finish a book because I feel like I “should” and am not rewarded by the ending.

3) Judging a book by its cover. I can’t be the only one who does this! A bad book cover will completely turn me off—it doesn’t matter if the book gets rave reviews. There’s just something about a poorly designed book cover that gives me pause and makes me wonder what the author was even thinking. (I know authors don’t always have control over the look of their covers, but let’s be honest here: It’s usually self-published authors who do have control who seem to have the worst-designed book covers.)

4) Not reading a book if it has a low Goodreads rating. I have a problem when it comes to Goodreads ratings in that I let them guide my reading much more than I should. If a book has anything lower than a 3.7 rating, I honestly debate if I want to either a) add it to my want-to-read list or b) read it altogether. Goodreads reviews tend to skew on the higher end, so a book that has a 3.3 overall rating? It definitely concerns me. However, recently I finished two books with very low Goodreads ratings—Eight Hundred Grapes by Laura Dave (3.5) and Every Wild Heart by Meg Donohue (3.3)—and liked both of them! So it does make me wonder how many books I’ve missed out on because I give too much weight to Goodreads ratings. Hmm…

5) Getting angry when people give low ratings to books I love. In my book club, we have this inside joke about the way I lost my cool and screamed, “WHAT?!?!?!!?” when I found out that a friend didn’t like Mindy Kaling’s first book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?. Listen, I understand that we all come to reading with our own likes and dislikes, or own experience, and all that. But it’s very hard for me to not take it personally when someone gives a two-star rating to a book that changed my life. It makes me question their reading taste and our entire friendship—how could you not love this book that means so much to me?! And this also works in the opposite direction: when friends rave about a book that I didn’t like. What is wrong with you that you loved that book so much?!?! I’m working on this judgmental side of my personality. Promise.

6) Not reading long books. A book longer than 500 pages intimidates me. There are a handful of books that have been sitting on my TBR for a long time, and their length is what keeps them there. I checked my reading stats for this year and 2019—I haven’t read any books over 500 pages this year, and read only three last year. Two of those three were audiobooks, though, so maybe that’s my gateway to reading longer books?

Your turn! What are some of your bookish demerits?

Categories: About Me

What I Do When I Can’t Fall Asleep

I had insomnia for all of sixth grade. Maybe I’ve talked about it before. The spring before sixth grade, my parents split up, and my mom, my brother, and I lived with my grandparents for a number of months before my mom found a two-bedroom condo to rent near a middle school. It wasn’t the middle school all my friends from elementary school were going to. I was effectively the new kid. While everyone else in my classes was greeting each other excitedly, happy to see their friends after the summer break, I was feeling lonely and sad and anxious.

Middle school is a tough time in anyone’s life, but it was especially so for me. I was not only in a new school environment, going from being in one classroom all day to six different ones, but I was also in a new family environment: it was just me, my mom, and my brother. No more dad to pick me up from the bus stop, no more grandparents to wake me up in the mornings.

Insomnia hit me hard that year. (Along with never-identified depression, being that I was all of eleven and mental health wasn’t talked about at all, much less with children.) My mom was dealing with her own depression and she didn’t quite know how to help me with my issues. Essentially, we were both a bit of a mess and it led to a really tough year for both of us.

Things shifted for me once sixth grade was over. My insomnia disappeared and not being confined to a school schedule meant my depression did as well. Ever since then, I’ve been a champion sleeper. Like, I may be too good at sleeping? I recently listened to a podcast episode where the host (jokingly) railed at people who can fall asleep almost as soon as their head hits the pillow. What’s their secret?

I don’t have a secret. Honestly. I live with anxiety so it would make sense that I would have trouble sleeping, but I honestly don’t. Maybe it’s because my mind is so busy during the day that it’s able to quiet when the lights are off and I’m snuggled under my blankets.

That said, sleep does not always come easy. For me, it’s usually because my anxiety has been heightened due to any number of factors: worrying about work or family members or relationships or a writing project or even… where I should put my new desk in my room. (This is what kept me up on Sunday night, no lie.) On these sleepless nights, turning my brain off feels impossible. I toss and turn while groaning to myself, “Why aren’t you asleep?!”

So what’s a perfect sleeper to do for sleepless nights? Implement a few strategies, that’s what.

ASMR on YouTube

This is actually something I do most nights, not just on the nights I’m tossing and turning. And I make it a bigger priority when I feel particularly restless or know my brain hasn’t quieted down enough for sleep. ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response and it describes the sensation of tingling or deep relaxation that occurs when listening to certain sounds. Not everyone has this response to these sounds—some people are visibly disturbed by them—but the sounds of crinkling paper, whispering, tapping, and scratching soothe and relax me. It really helps me turn off my brain and get ready for sleep.

When I watch ASMR videos, I get really cozy in bed: pillows just right, comforter tucked in tight. I’ll place my phone on my chest and close my eyes, and let the sounds give me all of the tingles and relaxation I need. It soothes me right to sleep! (Also, Lila seems to really enjoy certain ASMR sounds, too, as she’ll jump on my chest and stare at my phone to figure out how it’s making a certain noise. Heh.)

Some of my favorite ASMR YouTubers to follow: ASMR Darling, Gibi ASMR, and Rebecca’s Beautiful ASMR Addiction.

Melatonin

I’m not someone who tosses and turns in her sleep, so on the nights I find myself doing that, I’ll take a dose of melatonin. Melatonin isn’t fast-acting (it’s advised to take it an hour before you want to go to sleep) so I’ll take a dose and watch ASMR on YouTube until I start to feel sleepy. Melatonin is a true lifesaver for me on nights when falling asleep feels downright impossible. And now it’s the first thing I recommend to people when they tell me they’re having trouble sleeping. Melatonin is a hormone your body makes naturally, so taking a supplement is not like taking a prescription sleep aid. It’s not habit-forming or addictive!

Warm Bubble Baths

Sometimes after taking my melatonin dose, I’ll draw myself a warm bubble bath. There is truly nothing that soothes me more! I’ll bring a book to read or even just turn on a white noise playlist, close my eyes, and submerge myself up to my neck in the bubbles. It really puts me in a relaxed state of mind.

Reading + A Change of Scenery

Well, of course I do this. Is anyone surprised? It’s not usually my first response when I’m not able to fall asleep because it can sometimes keep me awake, especially if I’m reading something particularly engaging! But if I’ve tried ASMR and melatonin and a bubble bath and I’m still awake, I’ll just throw in the towel. My body is obviously not ready for sleep! That’s when I get out of bed, pick up my book, and sit on my couch to read. The change of scenery sometimes helps: my bed has suddenly become an unsafe place for me and reminds me of how much sleep I’m not getting. There’s something about changing locations that can help to lull me into a more relaxed state. (And if I fall asleep on the couch, even better!)

I’m writing this post at 8:30 on Tuesday night and now I’m nervous that I’ve jinxed myself for sleeping tonight, ha. So, with that, I think I’m going to take a dose of melatonin, watch some ASMR, and say a prayer that I fall asleep easily tonight.

What are your strategies for falling asleep?

*post inspired by Suzanne