Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

On Boundaries and Achieving a Better Work/Life Balance

I had a mental breakdown last week that involved me sobbing at my desk and sobbing on the couch and sobbing while talking to my mom on the phone. I was irritable and set off by the tiniest inconvenience—like when Lila jumped up on the desk and kept reaching out her paw to ask for pets. (I knew I was losing it when even that made me angry.) The truth is that I have not had any type of work/life balance for the past few months. Or maybe it’s been going on even longer than that. Maybe my work/life balance has been shitty since the pandemic started. Once I was working from home with no commute to worry about or social plans to get to, well, it became easier to stay logged into my work computer later and later in the evening. It became normal for me to work on the weekends, even if it was just a few hours on a Saturday.

I want to be clear that this is all something I’ve put on myself. My company does not expect this from me. They very much celebrate work/life balance and want all of their employees to be happy and productive without feeling burned out. It’s just an expectation I’ve put on myself to do it all, even when it’s impossible to get it all done without working late and working weekends. But something’s gotta give.

I used to be someone who prided myself on my work/life balance. I knew how to leave work at work and get out of the office at a decent hour so I could enjoy my evening. My job was just something I did Monday through Friday, but nights and weekends were for me. For friends and family and reading and doing whatever the hell I wanted. But the pandemic shifted all of that for me because, suddenly, work was the biggest part of my life (aside from doom-scrolling the Internet). And now I’m in a very unhealthy space where work has become an identity for me and everything else falls to the wayside.

When I told a friend about my mental breakdown, she said something that really hit home for me: I probably needed to have this breakdown to finally make some real changes to my life. And I think she’s absolutely right because it was after all those tears that I was able to sit down, think long and hard about what I want my work life to look like, and create true hard-and-fast boundaries. Here’s what I came up with:

1) Work stops at 6pm, no excuses.

You know that “5pm” feeling you get when the workday is winding down? I realized that I’ve stopped having that feeling. Instead, by the time 4:30 rolls around, I’m freaking out about how much left I have to do and how much longer I’ll have to work. (“Ugh, this is gonna be one of those 7:30 or later nights. Better order Ubereats.”) It never crossed my mind that work could stop when 5pm or 6pm rolled around. For me, work stopped when everything (or the most pressing things) was checked off my to-do list. Maybe this is a function of the work-from-home lifestyle and of being a single woman with no kids to take care of: I just figured that since I have the time, I should utilize it. I felt the need to prove that I was being a productive, valuable employee, even though my company never asked that of me.

So I gave myself this boundary: I must log off my work computer by 6pm, no excuses. It doesn’t matter if I only did half of the things on my to-do list. I must step away and move on with my evening. I deserve that. In the past week, as I’ve been holding myself to this new rule, I’ve found myself eagerly anticipating that 6pm cut-off. It’s been fun to get excited about the end of the workday again!

2) There is no working on weekends.

I can’t believe I have to implement this boundary for myself because I never used to work on weekends. Every now and then, when work was exceptionally busy, sure. But every weekend? Nope, nope, nope. My weekends were mine and I guarded them fiercely. But then, ya know, life. Work got super busy and it was just easy to hop on the computer for a few hours every weekend if it made my upcoming work week a bit easier. I had to put an end to it. My weekends deserve to be mine again! Even if I decide to do nothing more than take long naps and spend long periods reading on the couch, that’s what weekends are for. So this is my new boundary. The computer shuts off at 12:30pm on Fridays (half-day Fridays are where it’s at!) and doesn’t turn back on until Monday morning. No excuses!

3) There is no thinking about work during off hours.

Are you one of those people who is constantly running through your work to-do list right as you’re trying to fall asleep at night? I can relate! Even when I’m not working, I’m constantly thinking about work and my to-do list and what I need to accomplish to hit my end-of-month deadline goals. It’s very exhausting, and I’m trying to train my brain to not think about work during my off hours. Like anything mentally focused, this is going to take some time. But just like they teach you in meditation, it’s not about not ever thinking about work when I’m not working. It’s about noticing when it happens and redirecting my thoughts to something else. It’s been a really pleasant experience so far!

These three simple boundaries are already paying off in major ways in my life, helping me feel more balanced and at peace. I never wanted to be one of those workaholic people; I never found joy in busyness or productivity. I found myself in that space and if it had to take a mental breakdown for me to make some changes to achieve better work/life balance, then I’m glad it happened.

Let’s talk work/life balance: Do you have it or is it something you’re working on?

Categories: About Me

Mays of Years Past

Last week, Lisa wrote a post going through her photos of Mays of years past, and I loved it so much that I wanted to do the same. May can be a really interesting month for me, as it’s typically the month I take my big annual vacation with my mom and it’s also my grandma’s birthday, so seeing the photos of me celebrating with her before she passed away in 2015 is really special. I’ll start with 2014!

May 2014

All of these photos make me so happy! This is Grandma and me on her 72nd birthday. I believe she was going through cancer treatment at this time (her chemo didn’t cause hair loss). I remember asking to take a photo with her, and her trying to refuse because she was still in her nightgown. I’m glad I forced her to take a photo anyway! The day after Grandma’s birthday, my mom and I left on a cruise! This was our fifth cruise together and we traveled to Key West and the Bahamas. Our time in Key West was fraught, as my mom fell and injured herself right after we got off the ship. But she got it together enough to enjoy a pub crawl!

May 2015

Oh, what a fun collection of pictures! My nephew, D., was born in February of 2015 and those baby snuggles (and silly picture-taking!) were the best. My grandma had another birthday (73!) and it’s hard to believe that she would pass away not even six months later. And Mom and I went on another cruise! Our 2015 cruise was one for the record books because Mom and I both sustained injuries on this cruise—she fell off a bike during our excursion in the Bahamas, and I broke my ankle during our excursion in Puerto Rico. Fun times, indeed!

May 2016

A more low-key May for me! I was living with my roommate, Bri, this year and I took the middle photo of her as she waited for our cookies to bake. I’ve always loved how impatient she is for sweets! 🙂 I also love this photo I took of Dutch. He used to fall asleep on me like this all the time and I would soak up the snuggles. Also this month, Mom and I did a really fun race called “ColorBuzz” where we went through all sorts of obstacles and got colored powder thrown on us. It was fun! And then afterward, we tried finding a Dairy Queen for ice cream and my GPS took us somewhere super isolated, and we both got creeped out and backtracked. We ended up getting McFlurries at the McDonald’s near me instead, haha.

May 2017

A trip to Puerto Rico was the highlight of May 2017. Mom and I stayed there for a little less than a week and tried to make the most of our stay. We did a walking tour of historic San Juan, went horseback riding, hiked to a waterfall, and spent time relaxing on a dog-friendly beach. It was such a lovely vacation!

May 2018

In May of 2018, Mom and I were back to what we do best: cruising! We took our 8th cruise together where we zip-lined in Honduras, rode horses in Belize, and sipped fruity drinks poolside in Puerto Rico. This was a fun cruise but I was in the midst of a severe depressive episode that I was trying not to acknowledge. I spent the entire cruise wishing for it to be over because I just wanted to be at home in my own bed. It was after this cruise and how unhappy I was even on what looked like a fun vacation that I got serious about finding a therapist.

May 2019

In May of this year, I did something I’ve never done before: traveled overseas! While I’ve been on so many cruises and seen a ton of the Caribbean and South America, I have never been to Europe, and my mom and I scored a great deal on flights to Ireland. We saw the Cliffs of Moher, explored Galway and Dublin, and experienced train travel for the first time. I learned a lot about my traveling style during this trip, mainly that I’d probably do better with a tour group and definitely need more breaks than other people. But it was still fun and I can’t wait to return to Europe—maybe in 2022?

May 2020

What a wild time May of 2020 was! It was just the second month of full lockdown and I was still nervously waiting to find out how much longer my company was going to let us work from home. I saw my mom for the first time in over a month on Mother’s Day, finally deciding that if I was going to survive COVID lockdown, she had to be in my bubble. I also saw my brother and nephews for the first time since February! (They also had to be part of my bubble.) As a single person, I just couldn’t be completely isolated. That would have been detrimental to my mental health.

May 2021

What a difference a year makes! This May, I celebrated being fully vaccinated against COVID-19. Book club has been back in action for a few months, I’m in the middle of planning a tropical vacation with my mom for August, and we welcomed a brand-new dachshund puppy into our family—my fur-sister, Lucy. Life isn’t quite back to normal, but it’s getting there.

Pick a year and tell me what you were doing in May of that year!

Categories: About Me

How I’ve Grown as an Enneagram 9

The Enneagram is my favorite personality framework—so much so that I follow all of those popular Enneagram Instagrams and listen to an Enneagram podcast. Near the end of 2018, I discovered my Enneagram type (9). I didn’t take a test, but rather read The Road Back to You and learned about all the different types to pinpoint which one is mine. While I vacillated between a few types (4, 6, and 9), I ultimately settled on 9 due to the way reading the chapter about this type made me feel—incredibly seen in a way I’ve never experienced.

It’s been two-and-a-half years since I typed myself and I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery to learn more about my type, its strengths and weaknesses, and how to be my healthiest self in a type that is prone to be indecisive, lazy, and passive. Here are some of the ways I’ve grown in the past few years as an Enneagram 9:

I’ve learned to speak up more.

Speaking up does not come naturally to me. Sometimes (most times), I won’t even correct someone if they say something wrong. That’s why it was so good for me to learn that a common Enneagram 9 weakness is speaking up. We don’t like to rock the boat or cause anyone to feel upset with our opinions. Because I know this about myself, I’ve been challenging myself to speak up and give an opinion more often. It scares me every time and I always think I’m going to ruin a friendship forever, but it’s been a good exercise for me. Even if a friend doesn’t agree with my opinion, we can still have a great discussion and it proves to me that it’s okay to speak up. People want to hear my opinions (as long as I’m respectful, of course!)

I’ve learned about my primary subtype: self-preservation, which means I meet my physical needs through activities.

I’m still learning about subtypes, so I’m not sure if I’ll explain them as correctly as possible, but the basic theory is that we all have three subtypes within us: self-preservation (concerned with physical safety), social (concerned with being part of a group/working toward a greater good), and one-to-one/sexual (concerned about building relationships with people). My primary subtype is self-preservation, which means I am most focused on meeting my physical needs through activities. I seek out comforting activities when I’m feeling off-balance: reading, watching TV, napping, eating, etc. Having this deeper knowledge of my personality type has been really eye-opening for why I do what I do when I’m feeling low.

I’ve learned that my fear of abandonment will be something I constantly have to fight against.

It’s time to get really vulnerable here. The core fear of an Enneagram 9 is “loss and separation,” and for me, that translates to abandonment. I was the kid who never wanted to be far away from my teachers or my parents because I needed to know they were nearby and weren’t going to leave me. And when I was, eventually, abandoned by my father (in a sense), it understandably threw me for a loop and caused me to doubt the love of the people around me. It’s part of the reason I don’t date much (what if they leave me?) and part of the reason I tend to hold friends at arm’s length (once they know the real me, they will leave me). I’m trying to combat this thought pattern—it’s, like, 90% of what I talked about in therapy—and recognize it as illogical. I know I am a valued person in so many people’s lives! But it’s this little part of me that’s always in the back of my head, and I know it will always be one of my struggles.

I’ve learned that I struggle with inertia.

Enneagram 9s are sometimes given a bad rap of being lazy, and, well, this is very much true for me. I have a hard time getting started on things and seeing them through to completion. I want to take breaks constantly, but I know that I’ll have an enormously hard time getting back to work when I do. What’s helped is setting up block scheduling for work, where I specifically map out the times I need to focus and when I can take a break (and what I can do during those breaks). I also really love using a timer or the Pomodoro method to help me get through big work tasks. When it comes to my personal life, I love setting a timer for 10 minutes and seeing how much I can get done in that time (can I clean the kitchen and brush my teeth and empty out the litter boxes in 10 minutes?!). However, the thing about struggles is that just knowing this is a challenge for me (and is likely due to the way my brain works, not some inherent flaw) helps me set up systems to combat this struggle and make it work for me. And that’s what I’m doing!

I’ve learned that my 1 wing is strong when it comes to politics and justice.

Every Enneagram type has one dominant wing, and it’s one of the numbers on each side of your type. As an Enneagram 9, this means my wing is either a 1 or an 8. I am firmly a 9w1, especially as I can develop black-and-white thinking about certain concepts (which is very opposite of a 9, as we typically can see all sides of an issue!) For me, politics is one of those black-and-white issues. I am very vocal about my political beliefs, my issues with the Republican party, and my stances on justice and feminism. I’ve gotten into quite a few arguments with my brother due to my strong-held beliefs (he’s not as politically engaged as I am, but knows how to push my buttons about certain issues, as siblings tend to do!)

It’s only been two-and-a-half years since I learned my Enneagram type and I’ve already seen myself grow so much! And this growth will only continue, as I strive to work through the challenging parts of my type and set myself up for success. And I think that’s what is so special about the Enneagram. It teaches you about your core fears, motivations, desires, and challenges, and allows you to look at yourself with compassion. I could beat myself up for my laziness… or I could develop strategies to help me combat this (as well as be kinder to myself when I am lazy, because we all deserve to be lazy now and then!) I wouldn’t say I love being an Enneagram 9 (how I wish I could be an enthusiastic 7 or an ambitious 3!), but it’s who I am and I’m glad to know her very much.

What’s your Enneagram type?

Categories: About Me

All About Bathing

Back in February, the Girl Next Door podcast released an episode talking all about their bathing and showering habits. These are the kinds of episodes I love from them, as they dig into the nitty-gritty of something that seems so mundane, but actually brings up strong emotions! I loved this episode so much (give it a listen!) that I had to do my own post all about my bathing and showering habits. I’m breaking this post into five sections: Hair Care, Showering, What I’m Using Now, Baths, and Quirks.

Hair Care

I tried to train my hair to handle only getting washed two or three times a week, but after a few years of living with greasy second- and third-day hair, I threw in the towel. (Shower pun?) My hair is very fine and gets oily very easily—I’m talking, I can wash it in the morning and by the evening, it’s already feeling greasy. So I wash my hair every other day (sometimes I stretch it to every three days if I’m feeling lazy, but by then my hair is so oily that it can stand up on its own, no joke) and that’s ideal for me. The day between washes, I don’t really do much with my hair. Usually, I throw it up into a messy bun or a half-up/half-down style (if I’m going to be out and seeing people). Dry shampoo doesn’t really work for my hair; I’ve tried many brands and looked at so many tutorials, but dry shampoo doesn’t give my hair the zest that I’m looking for.

Showering

Here’s my showering order of operations: I step delicately into the stall (a few months ago, I fell while getting into the shower so now I’m uber-careful) and then get under the spray to get my body and hair wet. Is there anything more decadent than those first few minutes under the hot shower spray? Ahhh. Then, I shampoo my hair. Lately, after doing a lot of research on how to care for super-oily hair, I’ve started spending a few minutes simply massaging the shampoo into my roots. That’s where I need the most shampoo, and it feels so good to really dig into my roots! Then I shampoo the rest of my hair, gathering it to sit at the top of my head. Once I rinse out the shampoo, I apply a little bit of conditioner to the ends of my hair and rinse it out. (I used to let the conditioner sit for a while, but I don’t do that anymore because I don’t really think it does anything, lol.) Once I’m done cleaning my hair, I wash my body using body wash and a loofah. I do each arm, my chest, my torso, my legs, and my feet. On the podcast episode mentioned above, the hosts said they never wash their legs because they figure all the soap from the top of their body rinses down to their legs and they don’t really feel like they need to wash their legs. Is this a thing everyone does? Because I’ve always washed my legs and feet while I’m in the shower! I just never considered it was something people didn’t do.

Once I’ve finished all my washing, I’ll shave my underarms. But I’ll be honest: I always forget about this step. It typically has to become a “situation” for me to remember to do it. (I use the Schick Quattro razor.)

What I’m Using Now

I don’t know if I’ve yet to find the holy grail of shampoo and conditioner. For years, I used Tresemme products and really liked them because they made my hair so soft and shiny! Right now, I’m trying out L’Oreal Paris Elvive Extraordinary Clay Rebalancing shampoo and conditioner, as it’s supposedly made for oily hair. I’ve been using it for a few weeks now, and I don’t really think I’ve noticed a difference. But I’m going to give it a bit more time before I try something else.

I use body wash rather than bar soap. I feel like bar soap never makes me feel as clean as body wash! Typically, I’ll just use whatever I’m currently using for my bubble baths (more on that later). At a certain point, there’s not enough soap left in the bottle to be used in my bubble baths, so it turns into my “shower” body wash since I can usually squeeze out enough soap for a few showers. Oh, and I am Team Loofah when it comes to washing my body. I know you can just use your hands, but I just feel like a loofah gives me that perfect lather that makes me feel especially clean.

Baths

Of course, I’m the queen of the bubble bath! Typically, I take a bubble bath on the days I don’t take a shower. I wouldn’t say it necessarily replaces a shower, but it does give me that clean feeling that I love at the end of the day. My bubble baths aren’t really anything special; I don’t light candles or put on soft music or anything like that. I just love sinking into a hot, bubbly bath. There’s something so soothing about it. I use regular body wash soap for my bubble baths (my favorites are Caress and Softsoap) and can’t do any sort of exfoliating body wash (those little beads drive me crazy in the tub!) Oh, and I use a lot of soap in my bubble baths. Like, one bottle only gets me 2-3 bubble baths, haha. Give me alllll of the bubbles!

During my bubble baths, I either read or play Candy Crush on my phone while listening to a podcast. (Yes, I bring my phone in the tub. Nope, have never dropped it. Yes, will be knocking on wood after that statement.) My baths are never super long, either. Maybe 15 minutes tops?

Oh, and I’ll use my bathtime to shave my legs, too. I don’t like standing up to shave my legs—my belly gets in the way and it just feels very unsafe, considering I’m nearly blind while I’m showering since I don’t have my glasses on. I’ll shave my legs at the end of my bath after they have been soaking in the soapy water for a while, and just do a quick wet shave—no shaving cream or gel. I’ll also admit that, like my underarms, I don’t shave my legs very often. I’m lucky to have blonde leg hairs so I don’t tend to notice my leg hair until things get to a dire state, lol.

Quirks

  • I’m a morning showerer, but what I really love is a midafternoon shower! So decadent!
  • If I do a workout, I must take a shower and wash my hair. I get so sweaty during a workout and sweaty hair grosses me out.
  • I bought a Bluetooth speaker so I can listen to podcasts while I’m showering. I clip the speaker to my shower curtain.
  • Can we talk about how to manage hair that you pull out of your head while you’re shampooing? I know, it’s gross, but it’s one of those parts of the shower experience that nobody talks about! I used to just let the hair flow down the drain but then I had to unclog my drain because it was full of hair and ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. It’s so gross. So now I use the “pasting” method. Whenever I pull out hair, I just, you know, paste it on the shower wall. Then, later on in the day, when the shower has dried, I’ll use a piece of toilet paper to grab the hair and throw it away.
  • The cats usually come in to “supervise” me while I’m taking a bath. Lila mostly just wants me to pet her while Eloise sits either next to the tub or right in the doorway, watching me.
  • Here’s what I do after my shower: I grab a towel and wipe off my face and then pull my hair into a “turban.” Then I use another towel to dry my body and wrap it around me. I get dressed pretty immediately, put on deodorant, and then take off my towel turban and brush out my hair. And then, I come out of the bathroom and say, “I feel so much better!” to the cats, who look at me blankly, haha. What is it about a shower that feels so damn refreshing?

This post is so long. Apparently, I had a lot to say about my bathing habits! Give me some of your favorite shower products and tell me about your habits: how often do you shower and wash your hair? Do you have any funny quirks?

Categories: About Me

Stitch Fix | Spring 2021

The first—and only—time I’ve gotten a Stitch Fix box was in 2013. At the time, I was a few months into the job I’m still at (!) and looking for nice, business-profesh clothes. Unfortunately, I also didn’t have the kind of disposable income that you need to afford Stitch Fix. (I’ll be the first to say that it isn’t really affordable in any sense of the word.) But times are a’changing as my salary has greatly increased over the last 7 years to the point that paying $58 for a shirt doesn’t feel so ridiculous or out of my budget. (That’s a really good feeling, I must admit.)

Like most of us, the pandemic has shifted my style dramatically. I mostly wear yoga pants and comfy tees all day long, and every now and then, I’ll pull out jeans and a nice top. Also like most of us, I’ve gained a bit of weight over the past year and what used to fit me and feel good no longer does. I need a wardrobe refresh, is what I’m saying. After enjoying Kim’s Stitch Fix blog posts and being intrigued by the pieces in her box, I decided to give it a go this month! I was expecting to receive stuff I didn’t love or didn’t fit me (because I’m a pessimist, okay?!) but I was wonderfully surprised! Let’s dive into what I got. (Fair warning: I am not a fashion blogger nor do I aspire to be. So please don’t judge my photos, haha.)

Item #1: Skinny Jeans ($88)

I loved these jeans! They fit perfectly and have a stretch to them, so they’re super comfortable, too. I love the length (they are technically ankle-length, but with my height, they fit like normal long jeans, haha) and how they don’t ride down when I’m bending over. Plus, they really emphasize my chicken legs. (My legs are weirdly skinny compared to the rest of my body.) These were an easy keep. 

Item #2: Kimono ($34)

 

I remember a friend raving about the versatility of kimonos a few years ago, but I never thought they’d work for me until I got this one in my Stitch Fix box. I love this piece! It makes me feel flirty and fun and confident. It will be an easy piece to wear—just slip it over a black tank and I’m good to go. Plus, it’s lightweight so I’ll even be able to wear it throughout the summer! This was a keep, of course.

Item #3: Purple Knit Tee ($28)

I had high hopes for this top, but the length was all wrong for my short frame. It fit me well everywhere else—shoulders, chest, stomach, etc—but I like my tops to hit around my hips and this one fell a few inches below that. The good news is, since I was over at my mom’s house at the time I tried on my clothes (I needed her full-length mirror as I still have yet to replace the one I broke during my move), she tried it on and loved it! So she got a new shirt out of the deal. This was a keep—to give to my mom. Hehe.

Item #4: Brushed Knit Top ($38)

I had a feeling I was going to love this shirt, and I did! I love shirts with 3/4-length sleeves and anything with stripes gets a gold star from me. Plus, the material is so soft and cozy. This shirt fit me perfectly and I just feel really good when I wear it, too, which is the most important thing. (It was slightly longer than I like, but hopefully will shrink a bit in the wash.) This was a keep, of course!

Item #5: Split-Neck Knit Top ($54)

I had a feeling that this wasn’t going to be a love. There were just a lot of things going wrong with this shirt for me: (1) an empire waistline, which always serves to make me look pregnant and worry I’m going to be asked the dreaded, “So when are you due?” question; (2) the cap sleeves, which I don’t think show off my arms in an appealing way; (3) the pattern, which I just didn’t really care for. It was also slightly too big. Anyway, this was an immediate discard, but my mom tried it on and loved it on her, so I let her keep it for herself! (Mom really lucked out with my Stitch Fix box, haha.)

Thoughts on My First Stitch Fix Box

I was really pleased with everything I got! If you keep everything in your Stitch Fix box, they give you a 25% discount, so even though I kept two shirts that didn’t totally work for me, it was actually cheaper for me to keep everything than to send back the shirts. (Plus, my mom paid me for the shirts she kept so I made out like gangbusters, haha.) I gave feedback on the selections to my stylist, specifically mentioning what I didn’t love about the two pieces that didn’t work well for me. I also realized I could probably go down a size in shirts (I asked for 1X plus-size shirts, but I’m probably more of an XXL in “regular” sizes) because all of the shirts I got were just a little too big (even the brushed knit top is a little roomier than I like). So hopefully in my next box, the shirts will fit me better!

I’m definitely planning on continuing with Stitch Fix, probably getting a box once a quarter. It’s pricey, so it’s not something I can do on a monthly basis (this box cost me $181), but I want to make room in my budget to allow myself to update my wardrobe with a few new pieces every once in a while. Plus, it’s just fun to get a box with clothes that an actual stylist picked out for me! I don’t particularly love shopping for clothes and can fall into a rut of just choosing stuff that deemphasizes parts of me I don’t like, so it was good to recognize that I can find clothes that make me feel good and confident.