Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

How I’m Doing

I read a blog post recently where the author posed the question, “How are you really doing?” Like, really, really doing. Can we talk about how we’re really, really doing? I’d like to think so. Here’s how I’m doing:

I’m missing Pops. Today marks two years since we unexpectedly lost him, and it’s still hard to fathom him being gone. He should still be here, and sometimes, I am so angry that he is not. He deserved so many more years on this Earth, and I deserved so many more years with him as my beloved grandfather. It’s the little things that devastate me the most, like seeing a man who looks just like him casually strolling through Target or finding a picture I took of the two of us together as I’m scrolling through my phone. I miss him so much, every day.

I’m nervous about being a poll worker. I can’t believe the election is in less than a week! OMG. I’m looking forward to the experience of being a poll worker, but also nervous about it. I just don’t know what to expect! Will the other poll workers be nice? Will I know what I’m doing? Will it be busy (Florida has mail-in ballots, no excuse needed, and early voting)? Will I be bored? Will I have to deal with stupid “poll watchers”? What if I get hungry? How many breaks am I going to get? How long am I going to be there—past 8, past 9? Should I bring extra masks? Should I get tested afterward? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

I’m terrified about this election. Our country cannot sustain another four years of Trump, and it’s terrifying to think about what could happen if he’s re-elected. I see way too many Trump yard signs and bumper stickers in my everyday life to feel even a little bit comfortable about this election. I don’t know how anyone can support Trump after his abysmal management of Covid, his complete disregard for norms, and his reluctance to call out white supremacists. I just hope Biden wins in a landslide and we can finally have some normalcy in the White House again.

My work is going through some significant structural changes, and it’s scary but also really exciting. Last week, we had a big, company-wide meeting to discuss these changes and it was a lot of information to digest and a super-long meeting by my standards (two hours). My department and my job won’t be changing or being restructured, which I am the most grateful for! Most of the changes that will be happening to me, specifically, are good changes—like a better system for tracking PTO, more PTO hours, better health insurance, etc. Other changes are likely to come, but for now, I’m trying to remain optimistic about what those will be.

Speaking of work, I am officially a full-time remote worker and I am thrilled about it! My company is transitioning to a mostly remote workforce, with our office turning into a coworking space in early 2021. It’s so exciting! I enjoy working from home so much and I’m glad I won’t have to give it up anytime soon. Last week, I went back to my office (only the second time since mid-March!) to pick up my full desktop computer (tower, two monitors, and two monitor stands) and my life has chaaaanged. It is so different working right from my computer, rather than remoting into it via a remote desktop system every morning (and subsequently, getting kicked off multiple times a day, sigh). The monitors are so much bigger and make working a billion times easier. Plus, I like that when I’m finished with work, I can fully shut down my computer and step away from my desk. (I’m trying to ONLY use my desk for work, and stay away from it in the evenings and on the weekend.)

I’m having many feelings about my birthday. I turn 33 this year, and I’m having feeeeelings about it. I’ve never really been one to feel “old” or lament the passage of time, and typically, I enjoy the hell out of my birthday. This year, things just feel different. Perhaps it’s the fact that I wasn’t able to check off some of the things I wanted to happen this year (dating, traveling, the novel, etc.) Maybe it’s just 2020 and feeling like this year was just… a waste, in a sense. Life felt at a standstill. I don’t feel like I’ve earned turning another year older! And yet, it’s happening and I will be 33 in one month. I thought about going away for the weekend but decided against it. I will try to enjoy the day with my usual fanfare (there will be a pedicure, a massage, and a lavish birthday dinner, for sure). And I will try to be grateful for the ability to turn another year older, grateful for my health and my family and my friends.

I’ve really enjoyed not spending money this month, and it hasn’t even been very hard. Okay, so I have spent a little money this month (I spent around $10 on Etsy prints and $4 on an e-book, and we can’t forget the FIFTY DOLLARS I spent on paints at Michaels, geez) but it’s nowhere near the level I spent in previous months! And it really hasn’t been that hard. There have been a few times when I started mindlessly searching for something on Amazon to buy before realizing what I was doing, which just goes to show you how goddamn easy it is to just spend money without really thinking about it. I got a package last week and it felt so weird! (It was my air filter, ha.) Maybe I’ll continue this into November, we’ll see. It’s been nice to have more money in my bank account, that’s for sure!

I am so sick of hot weather, and it’s making me very grumpy. You guys, I really thought I could bring back my midday walks. It’s the end of October, it’s snowing in the Midwest, it has to have cooled off here enough to attempt a 30-minute walk in the middle of the day. Um, no. Florida is still smack-dab in the summer. It’s been 100 degrees here in the afternoon (with 70% humidity, ughhhh). It’s making me very grumpy because I am so tired of the intense heat and humidity, and just want some cooler weather already. I’m not even asking for real fall weather—even highs in the low 80s would be acceptable!

Nothing makes me happier than my cats. I mean, can I gush about them for a bit? You guys, my cats are the best. They are sweet and loving and affectionate and a tiny bit naughty from time to time, but that keeps things interesting. 🙂 I love how Lila will jump up on my desk if she hears me talking during a meeting, and how Ellie spends all day curled up in the same spot on the bed, and how they encourage me to take a break from work to pet them. I love that I get to spend all day loving on them! It’s my favorite thing.

Tell me: How are you really doing?

Categories: About Me

My Bookish Demerits

I’m currently making my way through the archives of the bookish podcast, Currently Reading. It’s a really great podcast, especially because the hosts can get super snarky about books and reading. Too many bookish podcasts and #bookstagrammers don’t allow for the snark, and that just doesn’t work for me. Gimme your real thoughts about what you’re reading, please and thank you!

Anyway, one of the episodes in their archives involved talking about their “bookish demerits.” Your bookish demerits are the things you do (or don’t do) when it comes to your reading life that could be a hindrance. These are areas where maybe you could improve—or perhaps not. Thinking about my own bookish demerits was rather fun, and I thought I would share them here!

1) Not liking Jane Austen. I’ve read a few Jane Austen books, and haven’t liked any of them. I think I’ve given all of them 2 stars on Goodreads if I’ve even rated them. I feel like, in order to be a proper bookish woman, I should love Jane Austen and everything she stood for in literature, but her writing just doesn’t do it for me.

2) Abandoning books too soon. I have never been and never will be someone who thinks you should “finish what you started” when it comes to books. Some books are meant to be abandoned—maybe it’s the wrong time or simply just not the right book for you. But sometimes I worry that I abandon books too soon. Some books start off slow, some may not get to the meat of the story until halfway through. And I could miss out on a great story because of the slow start. Then again, there have been too many times to count where I’ve pushed through a slow start to finish a book because I feel like I “should” and am not rewarded by the ending.

3) Judging a book by its cover. I can’t be the only one who does this! A bad book cover will completely turn me off—it doesn’t matter if the book gets rave reviews. There’s just something about a poorly designed book cover that gives me pause and makes me wonder what the author was even thinking. (I know authors don’t always have control over the look of their covers, but let’s be honest here: It’s usually self-published authors who do have control who seem to have the worst-designed book covers.)

4) Not reading a book if it has a low Goodreads rating. I have a problem when it comes to Goodreads ratings in that I let them guide my reading much more than I should. If a book has anything lower than a 3.7 rating, I honestly debate if I want to either a) add it to my want-to-read list or b) read it altogether. Goodreads reviews tend to skew on the higher end, so a book that has a 3.3 overall rating? It definitely concerns me. However, recently I finished two books with very low Goodreads ratings—Eight Hundred Grapes by Laura Dave (3.5) and Every Wild Heart by Meg Donohue (3.3)—and liked both of them! So it does make me wonder how many books I’ve missed out on because I give too much weight to Goodreads ratings. Hmm…

5) Getting angry when people give low ratings to books I love. In my book club, we have this inside joke about the way I lost my cool and screamed, “WHAT?!?!?!!?” when I found out that a friend didn’t like Mindy Kaling’s first book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?. Listen, I understand that we all come to reading with our own likes and dislikes, or own experience, and all that. But it’s very hard for me to not take it personally when someone gives a two-star rating to a book that changed my life. It makes me question their reading taste and our entire friendship—how could you not love this book that means so much to me?! And this also works in the opposite direction: when friends rave about a book that I didn’t like. What is wrong with you that you loved that book so much?!?! I’m working on this judgmental side of my personality. Promise.

6) Not reading long books. A book longer than 500 pages intimidates me. There are a handful of books that have been sitting on my TBR for a long time, and their length is what keeps them there. I checked my reading stats for this year and 2019—I haven’t read any books over 500 pages this year, and read only three last year. Two of those three were audiobooks, though, so maybe that’s my gateway to reading longer books?

Your turn! What are some of your bookish demerits?

Categories: About Me

What I Do When I Can’t Fall Asleep

I had insomnia for all of sixth grade. Maybe I’ve talked about it before. The spring before sixth grade, my parents split up, and my mom, my brother, and I lived with my grandparents for a number of months before my mom found a two-bedroom condo to rent near a middle school. It wasn’t the middle school all my friends from elementary school were going to. I was effectively the new kid. While everyone else in my classes was greeting each other excitedly, happy to see their friends after the summer break, I was feeling lonely and sad and anxious.

Middle school is a tough time in anyone’s life, but it was especially so for me. I was not only in a new school environment, going from being in one classroom all day to six different ones, but I was also in a new family environment: it was just me, my mom, and my brother. No more dad to pick me up from the bus stop, no more grandparents to wake me up in the mornings.

Insomnia hit me hard that year. (Along with never-identified depression, being that I was all of eleven and mental health wasn’t talked about at all, much less with children.) My mom was dealing with her own depression and she didn’t quite know how to help me with my issues. Essentially, we were both a bit of a mess and it led to a really tough year for both of us.

Things shifted for me once sixth grade was over. My insomnia disappeared and not being confined to a school schedule meant my depression did as well. Ever since then, I’ve been a champion sleeper. Like, I may be too good at sleeping? I recently listened to a podcast episode where the host (jokingly) railed at people who can fall asleep almost as soon as their head hits the pillow. What’s their secret?

I don’t have a secret. Honestly. I live with anxiety so it would make sense that I would have trouble sleeping, but I honestly don’t. Maybe it’s because my mind is so busy during the day that it’s able to quiet when the lights are off and I’m snuggled under my blankets.

That said, sleep does not always come easy. For me, it’s usually because my anxiety has been heightened due to any number of factors: worrying about work or family members or relationships or a writing project or even… where I should put my new desk in my room. (This is what kept me up on Sunday night, no lie.) On these sleepless nights, turning my brain off feels impossible. I toss and turn while groaning to myself, “Why aren’t you asleep?!”

So what’s a perfect sleeper to do for sleepless nights? Implement a few strategies, that’s what.

ASMR on YouTube

This is actually something I do most nights, not just on the nights I’m tossing and turning. And I make it a bigger priority when I feel particularly restless or know my brain hasn’t quieted down enough for sleep. ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response and it describes the sensation of tingling or deep relaxation that occurs when listening to certain sounds. Not everyone has this response to these sounds—some people are visibly disturbed by them—but the sounds of crinkling paper, whispering, tapping, and scratching soothe and relax me. It really helps me turn off my brain and get ready for sleep.

When I watch ASMR videos, I get really cozy in bed: pillows just right, comforter tucked in tight. I’ll place my phone on my chest and close my eyes, and let the sounds give me all of the tingles and relaxation I need. It soothes me right to sleep! (Also, Lila seems to really enjoy certain ASMR sounds, too, as she’ll jump on my chest and stare at my phone to figure out how it’s making a certain noise. Heh.)

Some of my favorite ASMR YouTubers to follow: ASMR Darling, Gibi ASMR, and Rebecca’s Beautiful ASMR Addiction.

Melatonin

I’m not someone who tosses and turns in her sleep, so on the nights I find myself doing that, I’ll take a dose of melatonin. Melatonin isn’t fast-acting (it’s advised to take it an hour before you want to go to sleep) so I’ll take a dose and watch ASMR on YouTube until I start to feel sleepy. Melatonin is a true lifesaver for me on nights when falling asleep feels downright impossible. And now it’s the first thing I recommend to people when they tell me they’re having trouble sleeping. Melatonin is a hormone your body makes naturally, so taking a supplement is not like taking a prescription sleep aid. It’s not habit-forming or addictive!

Warm Bubble Baths

Sometimes after taking my melatonin dose, I’ll draw myself a warm bubble bath. There is truly nothing that soothes me more! I’ll bring a book to read or even just turn on a white noise playlist, close my eyes, and submerge myself up to my neck in the bubbles. It really puts me in a relaxed state of mind.

Reading + A Change of Scenery

Well, of course I do this. Is anyone surprised? It’s not usually my first response when I’m not able to fall asleep because it can sometimes keep me awake, especially if I’m reading something particularly engaging! But if I’ve tried ASMR and melatonin and a bubble bath and I’m still awake, I’ll just throw in the towel. My body is obviously not ready for sleep! That’s when I get out of bed, pick up my book, and sit on my couch to read. The change of scenery sometimes helps: my bed has suddenly become an unsafe place for me and reminds me of how much sleep I’m not getting. There’s something about changing locations that can help to lull me into a more relaxed state. (And if I fall asleep on the couch, even better!)

I’m writing this post at 8:30 on Tuesday night and now I’m nervous that I’ve jinxed myself for sleeping tonight, ha. So, with that, I think I’m going to take a dose of melatonin, watch some ASMR, and say a prayer that I fall asleep easily tonight.

What are your strategies for falling asleep?

*post inspired by Suzanne

Categories: About Me

Thirty-Two

I turned 32 yesterday. It was a day filled with family and good food and so much love. It’s always strange to share my birthday with Thanksgiving, but it’s also kind of nice. Thanksgiving is my second-favorite holiday after Christmas so there’s something serendipitous about it.

Right before writing this post, I looked back on what I wrote last year and oh, I had such a rough start to my thirties. A battle with depression, my dog dying, my Pops dying, my work life changing drastically.

Thankfully, 31 went a whole lot smoother and a whole lot better. I kicked off this new age by adopting Eloise, my sweet black-and-white kitty. Adopting her was unexpected (a friend of a friend rescued her and was looking for a home for her) but it was the best decision I made. Eloise is my little shadow now, and I couldn’t imagine life without her.

I rang in the new year surrounded by friends at a small house party. I remember taking a moment after we counted down to the new year and thinking how lucky I was to be here, in this moment, with the people who mean the most to me. It was the beginning of a beautiful year.

I adopted Lila, my sassy little calico cat, a couple of months later, taking a friend with me to the shelter “just to look.” She was the one who convinced me that Lila and I had a bond. She was the one sitting next to me as I signed the paperwork while frantically googling, “How to introduce a new cat to another cat.”

I visited Ireland with my mom and while we had a wonderful time and I’m so glad we went and saw the Cliffs of Moher, visited so many castles, and experienced the craziness of Dublin, the trip was so very hard on my anxiety. I don’t want to say that I’m not cut out for international travel because man, it was so cool to be in Ireland, but I will have to approach my next trip much, much differently. I cried more on the streets of Dublin than I’ve cried in my own apartment this year, having these ridiculous panic attacks and fights with my mom (who most definitely did not deserve my ire). I get worried that I made her trip to Ireland, a place she’s wanted to visit for YEARS, a bad one because my anxiety was so out of control. I don’t think I did, but I hate that I even have to worry about it.

I was happy to spend lots of time with family this summer, especially when some of our out-of-town members came to stay for a week. It was nice to be around everyone. Our family has changed a lot over the years, as families tend to do as the grandkids grow up, and it’s especially different now that both Grandma and Pops are no longer with us. But it was good to be with them.

I spent a long weekend in Boston for our annual girls’ trip. New England was in its full fall glory, the foliage so stunning that it brought one of my friends to tears when she saw the leaves. It was delightfully chilly while we were there, and we were all excited to bring out our boots and jackets and scarves (said like a true Florida girl, ha). It was a lovely time, although it reminded me how badly I need better walking shoes as my feet were so sore each day.

Therapy was a regular occurrence this year, as I have a standing date every four weeks. It’s been exactly what I hoped it would be, helping me to crack open my past and see how it’s affecting my future. I’ve learned so many great coping skills for my anxiety and depression. Over the past few months, I’ve been in such a good mental health place. I feel stable and healthy and whole. So much so that I have an appointment with my primary care doc next month to discuss lowering the dosage of my anxiety meds. I had doubled the dose early last year when I was in a major depressive episode and it helped immensely, and I was convinced I needed to be on that dose forever and ever because it was the only thing holding me together. But now… I think I can wean myself down to a lower dose. It feels good to feel stable enough to even contemplate this.

I’ve spent the last year rebuilding my work life after lots of changes had me questioning my place in the company. I won Employee of the Month in December, had lots of discussions about the future of our department and where I fit into it, and celebrated six years at this company with a marvelous review and above-average raise. I feel good about my career. I still love the work, really exciting changes are on the horizon, and it’s a low-stress job. What more could someone need?

Dating has been relatively non-existent this year. I circle through the dating apps – Tinder, OK Cupid, and Bumble – but I haven’t put a lot of effort into it. Thanks to therapy, I’ve started to come to terms with some of the trauma surrounding my dating life. Sometimes, you just need someone else to listen to you and say, “You know that’s not how it has to be, right?” Ah, right. Dating has never been a positive experience for me and I have a lot I’m working through in therapy, trying to break past my own fears and self-doubts. My own trust issues. I’ll get there. I know the best way is through. In order to have positive experiences, I have to date. In order to learn how to trust myself, I have to put myself into situations where I have to exercise this trust. It’s hard when the fear feels so overwhelming, but little by little, I’ll get there. I know I will.

What do I want out of 32? I’d like to finish my novel and start the revision process. I want to date more. I want to be a better friend, reach out more, schedule more friend-dates. I want to move to a bigger apartment and decorate it the way I always dreamed. I want to manage my money better and feel empowered by my budget, not hindered by it. I want to exercise more, eat more greens, and take care of my body – not because it needs to be thinner but because I want it to function correctly for a long, long time. I want to spend more time in nature and take more walks. I want less time on my phone, less time worrying about the future, less time procrastinating. I want more time with my people, more time looking up, and more time enjoying the fullness of life.

31 was good to me. It was so good to me. I’m expecting the same out of 32.

Categories: About Me

A List of My Silly Fears

Today, I want to talk about silly fears. This isn’t about anxiety or panic attacks; those are not silly. They can be excruciating. Instead, I’m talking about really dumb fears. The kind of fears that sometimes don’t make sense and never truly interrupt your day-to-day life. Some things on this list I’m embarrassed to share but hey, vulnerability is the name of my game! So, without further ado, here are some of the really silly things I worry about:

1) My car running out of gas the minute my gas light comes on. (Yes, I know I have at least 30 miles to E, but I’m not going to chance it!)

2) Audibly farting in front of a bunch of people. (My worst nightmare.)

3) My phone dying when I’m out with friends. (What happens if I need to request a Lyft?! What happens if there’s an emergency and I can’t call anyone?!)

4) Losing my phone in a random location. (In college, I left my phone in a bathroom and never saw it again. Legitimate fear! Also, I’d owe Sprint a lot of money as I’m still paying off my phone so it’s also a financial fear.)

5) Getting stung by a bee or wasp. (I’m always so concerned about how I’d get the stinger out.)

6) Not closing Chip’s cage correctly so he is able to get out of it and make a mess in my mom’s apartment. (She’d forgive me for this, right?)

7) Not remembering to grab my credit card from the sleeve at a restaurant. (Never fails, as I’m walking out of the restaurant, I must check my wallet to make sure my credit card is there.)

8) Walking down stairs. (I’m always imagining tumbling to my death whenever I’m walking down a set of stairs. I grip the handrail firmly.)

9) Opening my laptop to a blue screen of death. (I have a backup Chromebook but it would mean no work-from-home days until I could get a new laptop + the remote server installed onto it.)

10) Throwing up. (I haven’t thrown up since college. I’m trying to set a record here.)

11) My seat belt not being buckled in on a rollercoaster and falling off and dying. (Once, I hadn’t buckled myself in correctly and when the ride operator came to check, he buckled me in. But ever since, I’m so worried that a ride operator isn’t going to be so careful and I’m going to die by flying off a rollercoaster. I spend the whole time leading up to the ride starting pulling hard on the seat belt to check it. In hindsight, this is probably not a silly fear because DEATH but I’m leaving it in.)

12) Being stung by a stingray. (Always do the stingray shuffle, guys!)

And, for the best one of all, 13) An insect burrowing under my skin and sucking all my blood out. Does such an insect exist? I don’t know, I’m not going to Google it. But I remember one of my classmates in kindergarten telling us a story about how a bug flew into his sister’s eye and if his dad hadn’t been able to get it out, it would have sucked all of the blood out of her body and she would have died. Maybe this is when all my worrying began because you better believe I’ve been worried about blood-sucking insects since then.

Tell me one of your silly fears!