Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Reflections After One Year

Here’s what I want to remember from the last year:

+ Sitting at a restaurant with four of my coworkers and one of them saying, “Oh shit, COVID’s just been declared a global pandemic.”

+ “Two weeks to flatten the curve.”

+ Being told that we were going to be working from home, and the incredible excitement I felt about it.

+ Canceling my flight to New Orleans (we were supposed to go in April).

+ Being on a trip with friends and someone saying, “Let’s remember this time and enjoy it because soon, life as we know it is going to change drastically.”

+ Less social anxiety, more generalized anxiety.

+ Cutting up a scarf to make a makeshift mask to wear when grocery shopping (a time before cloth face masks were everywhere).

+ Zoom book club, Zoom writing dates, Zoom game nights

+ Driving around town and seeing empty parking lots at restaurants and shopping centers in the middle of the day.

+ The first time I went to a restaurant. It was weird and I felt like I was being a terrible citizen.

+ Grabbing a package of toilet paper just days before the TP shortage got dire.

+ Doing Covid self-checks online every time I felt a little under the weather.

+ Not seeing anyone in person for two months, until I decided to widen my bubble because I wouldn’t survive this time without being around people.

+ All of the birthday surprises my friend group put together. Every single one was special and planned out perfectly.

+ The way seeing everyone around me wearing face masks never stopped feeling weird, never stopped making me think I was living in a dystopian novel.

+ How face masks started to become a fashion statement and a way for you to express your interests. (I bought a fair share of cat-themed masks.)

+ The celebrity of Dr. Anthony Fauci. 🙂

+ Facetiming with my mom daily when I was quarantining from her… and continuing with our daily Facetimes today, even though we see each other regularly.

+ Starting a Marco Polo group with book club.

+ After the Marco Polo group devolving, continuing with regular check-ins on Marco Polo with Mikaela. I feel like we’re closer than ever!

+ The way going to the grocery store in March and April felt apocalyptic with empty shelves, signs limiting purchases, one-way aisles, and a loudspeaker cautioning people to social distance.

+ The turmoil of making decisions—should I see this friend, go to that place? Everything feeling like a moral dilemma.

+ Critiquing other people’s Instagrams and judging what they were doing.

+ Worrying about how I would likely be judged whenever I posted about a hair appointment or spending time with friends (even if I social distanced).

+ The utter failure of our governor during this pandemic: no statewide mask mandate, reopening way too early and too much at once, a brutally slow vaccine rollout (that didn’t even include teachers until Biden stepped in).

+ The stories my brother told me about my nephews attempting virtual school. (It did not go well; they are now doing in-person school.)

+ How weird it was to go for a walk on a beautiful spring day and see the entire parking lot at my apartment community full: there were no beaches or pools or amusement parks to visit.

+ Not getting Covid (or being completely asymptomatic if I did have it, which is just WILD to think about).

It’s been a weird year, one I never expected to live through. In some ways, it’s been a really great year for me. Working from home and limiting social engagements has done WONDERS for my mental health, and I haven’t had to interact with my social anxiety much. I’ve remained healthy all year, not even a head cold to worry about. I’ve allowed myself to feel the full spectrum of all my feelings: despair and joy and hopelessness and hopefulness all mingling together. Am I ready for normal life to slowly resume? Yes and no. I am excited to travel again and go to restaurants with my friends and be in public places without worrying about contracting Covid. But this time of slowness and staying home and a limited number of people in my bubble has been really healing for me.

I wonder a lot about what life will look like when we’re through this. Will it be business as usual? No more masks or limited seating or plastic partitions? Will this feel like a weird fever dream that we all collectively lived through? I err on the side that yes, life will go back to the way it used to be and we’ll all just remember 2020-2021 as a very weird time in the world. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe we’ll carry these changes we’ve made into a new reality. I certainly hope so, but I’m not holding my breath for it.

Here’s what I mainly want to remember, though: I want to remember all of the scientists who stepped up to tell us about the realities of Covid, even when the White House dismissed them. I want to remember the researchers who worked tirelessly to bring us an effective Covid vaccine less than a year into the pandemic. I want to remember the pure joy I felt when a teacher friend of mine finally got her Covid vaccine. I want to remember the politicians who worked hard for Covid relief, and never forget the ones who didn’t. I want to remember the relief I felt when Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were inaugurated, knowing that they would help us distribute the vaccine much more broadly than before. And I want to remember the way we came together globally to share stories and information and tips. I want to remember the people who reminded us that it’s okay for this to feel hard—because it is. I want to remember the hope I felt knowing I wasn’t in this alone.

Categories: About Me

Home Tour

Only six months after I moved into my apartment, I’m finally ready to take you on a home tour. Yay! I wanted to wait until I had specific furniture items purchased because otherwise, it just looked like a half-empty apartment. Ha. But I have it in a really good place now, even though there are definitely upgrades I still want to make. But that’s the way it always goes! Nothing is ever 100% perfect or done. 🙂

ENTRYWAY

Here’s what I see when I open the door to my apartment (see if you can find Lila, who was sneaking out of my bedroom to run under the couch, hehe).

And here’s the entryway from inside the apartment. I don’t love the rug I have in front of the door (it curls up weird and catches on the bottom of the door) so I’ll probably switch it out soon. But I do love having a basket of shoes right at the front door. No more running around the apartment to find my shoes!

A quick peek at this key/mail holder. I use the hooks for my mask collection, my purse, keys, and umbrella (hidden behind my purse). In the top organizing section, I keep a secondary pair of prescription sunglasses, a Starbucks gift card I need to add to my account, and bookmarks.

LIVING ROOM

Here’s the first view of my living room, which is probably familiar as I showed you guys this when debuting my new couch. I want to continue adding to my gallery wall so it’s a little unfinished as of now. The wall next to it, with Mixtiles of Dutch and the girls, is unfinished, too. I plan on filling up that entire wall with photos. I also plan on getting a new area rug. I’m using my old one for now, since Lila likes to lie under the couch and it gives her something soft to lay on. (Also, that rug is usually littered with cat toys, but I removed them for this photo, hehe.) I’m still not sure whether or not I will keep the lamp in the corner. I like that it has a place for me to stack my library books but I’m also drawn to something like this. And, of course, I plan on buying a coffee table soon!

Here’s the other side of my living room. My next big home purchase will be a bigger TV. I also want to get something for this big wall, but I’m not sure what yet. Maybe a big canvas of a map? I love my TV stand/bookshelf. The top half is filled with Book of the Month books, my Anne of Green Gables collection, and Chatbooks, and the bottom half is for organization. The girls rarely use the cat tower and I’m thinking of getting rid of it. But I dunno. The little brown thingy next to the tower is a “cat sack,” but only Lila uses it and she only ever sleeps on top of it.

OFFICE NOOK

My office nook is in this extra little space of my living room, right in front of a big window. I just bought the curtains (currently held off to the side) because I quickly learned that having a big window at your back is not great for video calls. So I close the curtains whenever I need to be on video (which is probably only a few times a month; not enough that it’s annoying to have to “prep” my space) and also put on my ring light, which is the little circle you see above my computer monitors.

I love, love, love my desk. I have two blankets for the girls—one of them is usually sleeping on the one to my left, and I just love having them close by. I also love having my big desktop at home, it makes working SO much easier! I have my screens on risers because they just sit too low on my desk without them.

And, of course, the newest part of my office nook is my Etsy prints! They bring me great joy. 🙂

PATIO

Right off my office nook is my patio with my happy patio furniture. I’ve already shown you guys what it looks like, but I’ll add it here, too, just to provide the complete picture. The outside closet is used to store Christmas supplies, extra linens, and extra cat supplies (to be used if I ever have to evacuate!)

DINING ROOM

My sweet little dining room. I love it so much. Those two wall hangings I found discarded by the dumpster on the week of my move, so I brought them home with me. I really love them! (The one on the side says, “Love is the best ingredient.”) I adore my dining room table and I recently added that bookshelf to house more books. It also functions as an organizer for extra shoes, linens, and odds and ends. Next to the bookshelf sits a cat bed that the girls don’t use anymore—I think due to the location? I need to figure out a better place for it, maybe. And then beyond the table is the girls’ food. I fill up the bowls every morning and they graze on it throughout the day.

KITCHEN

I adore my kitchen because it’s such an upgrade from what I previously had. It’s a galley kitchen (common in apartments!) with lots of cabinets and even a little pantry (although the doorway of the pantry is super narrow so it can be a little hard to use).

Tucked away in the corner of my kitchen, across from the fridge, is my stackable washer/dryer. I don’t love this washer/dryer because it’s smaller than what I used to have and the dryer is SO LOUD. Meh.

BEDROOM

My sweet bedroom! I love this space so much. I would like to get more things up on the walls, specifically over my bed. I’m not sure what I want there just yet, though. I’d also like to buy these floating bookshelves to hang on the furthest wall for additional book storage (when needed; so far, I’m doing okay with book storage).

To the left is my cube bookshelf and my new spin bike. I used to have a litter box in the corner, but now both litter boxes are in the closet.

To my right, is my bed, which takes up the majority of the room, and my dresser (that also functions as a nightstand).

Next to my bed is the walk-in closet. I have the girls’ litter boxes in here as well as my laundry basket. All of my “winter” clothes are on the left side of the closet along with some nicer tops that don’t quite fit me right now (which I should just get rid of; why am I keeping clothes that don’t fit me and I likely won’t be wearing anytime soon?!) Lila likes to sleep under these clothes, though, and it’s always a rude awakening when I’m rifling through them for a jacket and she comes running out from under there. The rest of my clothes are on the right (organized by dresses, cardigans, “nice” shirts, and t-shirts). My heavy peacoat and rain jacket are on the right side, closest to the door.

BATHROOM

There’s a small hallway that connects my bedroom and bathroom, and the hallway houses my HVAC closet and a secondary linen closet. Then, there’s my bathroom! It’s much bigger than the one at my old place with an extra closet.

I try to keep my countertop neat as possible so I keep my hair supplies in these little jars (headbands, scrunchies, elastics, clips, etc.) and then have an organizer caddy for my daily toiletry supplies (mostly skincare products, but also hairbrushes, toothpaste, floss picks, deodorant, etc.)

The cabinet below my counter houses another caddy (I love these caddies so much—I also have two under the sink in my kitchen for cleaning supplies) for other toiletries that are used less frequently as well as a basket for washcloths (now that I have an actual skincare routine that I go through twice a day, I go through so many washcloths!) and a basket for my hair dryer/straightener/bubble wand. I also keep some of my bathroom-centric cleaning supplies under the counter.

Lastly, there’s my bathroom closet. It’s so nice to have this! I keep extra towels, extra toiletry supplies, my makeup, first aid stuff, my makeup mirror, etc. in this closet. (Like the closet in my kitchen, it’s very narrow so I try to keep things in easy reach!)

And there you have it! This wound up being a lot more detailed than I was expecting, but I think it’s fascinating to get a glimpse into people’s homes and the way they set them up. 🙂

Categories: About Me

Thirty-three

Today, I am 33 years old.

This year, my birthday feels rather lackluster. Maybe it’s because I like to take a trip around my birthday, and this year is the first year I haven’t gone on a single vacation. Maybe it’s just the fatigue of living through a global pandemic and feeling like life was at a standstill for most of the year. Maybe it’s just the panic I feel about being in my mid-thirties now and not sure if I’m where I want to be.

There was a lot I was hoping to get done at 32. But I couldn’t have expected what awaited me this year. It wasn’t a year for pushing through big goals. It was a year about surviving and trying to thrive when the country was locked down, hundreds (sometimes thousands) of people dying every day of a deadly virus, and everyone you see now has a cloth mask covering most of their face. For the first six weeks of the pandemic, I didn’t see a single person. Not even my mom. Those were the hardest six weeks of my life. Just imagine not being touched by another person for six weeks – not a gentle touch on the hand, not a hug, nothing. I’m not even a touchy-feely person, but that was really hard on me. Humans are made for connection, for touch.

There were good things about this year, though. It wasn’t all bad. I’ve been able to experiment with a full-time remote work life and discovered I love it more than I thought possible. I grew closer to some friends as we worked through this difficult year together. I fell deeper in love with my glorious cats who are two of the best souls in my life. I moved into a new apartment, one that is much bigger than my previous place, and I’ve had a blast decorating it. I read the most books that I’ve ever read. I was a poll worker! I had a photoshoot with my best friends, went kayaking for the first time, and ran a mud race.

Thirty-two was a year of ups and downs, that’s for sure, and here’s where I stand at thirty-three:

I am single and loving it. I did not think I would be here, 33 and single, and yet, it’s exactly where I want to be. I do not have a natural inclination toward partnership (even though society has tried to tell me again and again that it’s what I “should” want in order to be satisfied) but neither do I desire casual relationships. I am choosing to remain open to romantic love if it happens to me, but I am not chasing after it. I am choosing to build a big, full life that makes me happy without waiting for a partner to “fill in the gaps.” I am choosing to love every moment of this beautiful single life I get to lead and take pleasure in the simple things, like always ordering exactly what I want for dinner. 🙂

I continue to battle my generalized anxiety disorder, and most days, it is manageable. I am proud to have come to this place where my anxiety disorder no longer defines who I am. It took a lot of therapy to get here and it takes a daily 20mg pill of Lexapro to keep me here. It involves taking care of myself on the bad days—letting myself rest, letting myself be less productive, opening up to a friend—so that the bad days don’t crumble me. I will battle my anxiety for a lifetime, but I know it’s worth fighting.

I work in content marketing and love what I do, even seven years later. I love my job. It suits my skills, challenges me, and makes me feel good about myself. I’ve never been someone who was concerned about my career. I just never had the inclination toward climbing some corporate ladder and my shyness means I struggle with initiative. I hated my first job out of college and never felt like I was doing a good job. It’s the opposite with this job. Here, I feel comfortable, successful, and eager to try new things and accept new roles. I’m so grateful to not only have a job that suits my skillset so well but also to have a job I love!

I am the most financially stable than I have ever been. I grew up poor and earned a meager $25,000/year during my first few years out of college. There were times when my financial status felt like a burden I would never find relief from. Today, I feel more financially stable and aware than ever. I live on my own, in an apartment I could not have afforded just a few years ago. I pay my bills on time and have money to save and spend. I can not only buy the things I need but also the things I want. It’s the most amazing feeling and I don’t take it for granted, ever.

I have a core group of girlfriends that I love dearly, and more friends scattered far and wide. I didn’t have many friends growing up, or at least friends I was especially close to. I have always had a fear of abandonment and a fear that people just don’t really like me. It was always easier to keep people at arm’s length. That way, I couldn’t be hurt. But that’s no way to live, and I’m glad I have made investing in friendships a priority for me. It’s especially important as a single person (although I think people in relationships should also be investing in friendship, of course!) because these are my people. The ones who remind me that I may be single but I am never alone. The ones I can reach out to, the ones who check on me, the ones who make me feel loved and accepted and valued. I am so grateful for my friendships.

I still want to write a book, but I’m just not sure what the road to get there will look like anymore. I decided to take a long break from writing my book this year. I made the official decision sometime in October, but since I haven’t truly worked on my story since the summer, the break has been going on longer than that. I just didn’t label it until then. I feel good about this decision because it’s not as if I’m giving up on this dream… I’m just setting it aside for right now. I don’t really know what the road to finally writing and finishing that book will look like (or if it will even be a novel like I’ve always imagined!) but I know I have enough fire in me to make it happen. Just not right now.

I am the largest I have ever been, and my health is not great. I can blame the pandemic for this, but I don’t know if that’s a fair assessment of how I got to where I am today. While I believe that fat is beautiful and fat people can be healthy, I am not in a healthy place myself. I am at least 60 lbs away from where I should be health-wise and on the precipice of being pre-diabetic. I struggle with hypoglycemia, and that’s simply due to my diet. I do not drink enough water, eat enough vegetables, exercise enough. I am not ashamed of where I am, not at all, but I believe that owning my role in my unhealthiness is necessary for me to move toward a place of health and wellness. I want to feel good, no matter if I’m 140 lbs or 200 lbs, and I do not feel good right now.

I still battle my tendency toward jealousy, resentment, and fear of abandonment. These are emotions that I don’t like to speak about, but they are so true to my core identity. These are the emotions that follow me wherever I go. They whisper in my ears that people don’t really like me, that I’m a hard person to love, that everyone will leave me one day. But I battle these emotions. I understand that they don’t exist in reality. I can draw on examples of people showing up for me, of loving me. These emotions will likely follow me throughout my life, but they do not have to define me. And I’m working hard to make sure they don’t.

I am rarely ever bored, filling my time with reading, blogging, family time, friend dates, and work. My life is full and I don’t even know what it means to be bored. There are blog posts to write or blogs to read. There are TV shows to watch and plenty of books to read. There is work to do. I try to see my mom at least once a week, but it’s often multiple times a week. I have regular game nights with my brother and older nephew (and during football season, we spent the entirety of Sunday together). I have friend dates and there’s always someone who is willing to have dinner or a reading date or see a movie. (Of course, that was all pre-COVID, but I have still made a point to see friends throughout this pandemic. We’re just being MUCH more careful than we normally would.)

My cats are my world. I did not know I would become a crazy cat lady, but here I am. I love my cats fiercely and can’t imagine my life without them. I can’t believe how perfect they are, how sweet, how silly. They make me laugh all the time and I always miss them when I’m away from them. I am so glad they picked me to be their person, and I don’t take their trust in me for granted ever.

At 33, I am content with my life. Are there things I would change? Absolutely. But isn’t that true for all of us? There are always things we can change, ways to challenge ourselves to be a better version of who we are right now. I didn’t expect that 32 would bring me a global pandemic and massive changes to life as I know it. So I can’t say for certain what I want from 33. But in its most basic form, I want to be happy. I want to love what I have right now. I want to strive to change the things I am unhappy about. And I want to love myself and my people as much as I can.

Categories: About Me

On Writing… and Not Writing

I spend a lot of time thinking about this crazy idea I have about writing a novel. Thinking about how many hours I’ve put into writing all of the different drafts… and how many more hours I have left to go before I have anything resembling a novel that can be pitched to literary agents and publishing houses. I think about the tiny percentage of aspiring novelists who get their work published by big-name publishers and the even tinier percentage that makes a name for themselves in the book world.

Of course, if you’re going to write a novel, you can’t think of those numbers. Because that’s not the point, is it? The point isn’t to become famous and see my novel on every bookstore’s bestseller table. The point is that there is nothing more natural, nothing more essential, nothing more exciting than writing. To write is to live. To write is to breathe. To write is to know who I am.

So who am I if I do not write? If I close that document on my Google Drive, and I pack it away in a file folder within a file folder within a file folder. If I tell myself I don’t have to do this to myself anymore. I don’t have to write or think about characters or brainstorm about plot.

Who am I if I decide that this dream I’ve had since I was a little girl and filling up notebooks with book ideas… was just the dream of a little girl? Not the dream of a grown-up.

I’ve been trying to find the motivation to work on my novel for the better part of this year. I just have no desire to sit down with these characters or plot out the story. I’ve tried not to be too hard on myself because the pandemic has halted many creative pursuits. It’s hard to focus on writing a silly romance when I’m deeply concerned about the fate of our nation. Back in March, my writing partner and I moved to Zoom for our weekly, two-hour writing dates. Sometimes I’d work on my novel, but more often than not, I’d use that time to work on blog posts or answer emails.

I started rewriting my plot sometime over the summer. Or maybe it was even earlier than that. I had written a good chunk of the novel (most of it during NaNoWriMo 2019) and wrote myself into a corner. I wasn’t sure where I wanted to take the novel. So I went back to the drawing board with the plan of getting my plot in tip-top shape for NaNoWriMo 2020.

But I wasn’t doing that. I wasn’t working on my novel. I always found something else to do: books to read, blog posts to write, emails to answer, blogs to engage with, cats to play with, TV shows to watch. And if you think I didn’t beat myself up for not having the motivation to sit down at my computer every night to work on my novel, you don’t know me. I was frustrated with myself. I talked to myself the way I would an enemy. “You must not want this badly enough if you’re not willing to put in the work, you lazy piece of shit. You think other writers moan and groan about having “motivation”? No. They just do the goddamn work.”

Hi, my name is Stephany and I suck at positive self-talk.

Right around the time I was having these pleasant conversations with myself, I read a blog post that gently encouraged me to look at all the different facets of my life and consider their value. What is adding value, what is taking it away? What feels good when I do it, and what doesn’t? What brings me deep, abiding pleasure?

These simple questions unlocked a torrent of emotions. It made me take a good, hard look at the why behind my lack of motivation with my novel. I considered what it might mean, what it might say about me, if I gave up my dream of writing a novel.

How would it reframe the way I saw myself, the way I set up my life? Would it open up space in my creative life to consider other pursuits—growing my blog or pitching articles to publications or starting a podcast?

Would it make me feel like a failure, as if I was giving up on myself just because it felt hard?

Or maybe I don’t have to attach any meaning to this decision. It could just be… a decision I made at this point in my life, a decision I can revisit whenever I want. Imagine that!

A few weeks after deciding I wasn’t going to participate in NaNoWriMo and shelving away my story for the time being, my mind wouldn’t let me sleep. It was working overtime as a story idea—a previous one from a long ago time—jumped into my brain. I started daydreaming about this story, parsing through the characters and their motivations and the plot.

It was the first time in many months, maybe even years, that I’ve felt that sort of creativity pulsing through me.

It was electric. I forgot about that fire you feel when your mind is ablaze with creativity, and you can’t stop it from spreading if you try.

It got me excited about writing again.

I haven’t done anything about this new spark. I’m simply letting it burn through me. It lights up and it simmers, and I’m enjoying the simple delight that comes with a new idea that could transform into something so much more.

Maybe this story is the one. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s simply there to remind me that writing a novel is my destiny, and it’s okay if takes me a while to get there.

Categories: About Me

How I’m Doing

I read a blog post recently where the author posed the question, “How are you really doing?” Like, really, really doing. Can we talk about how we’re really, really doing? I’d like to think so. Here’s how I’m doing:

I’m missing Pops. Today marks two years since we unexpectedly lost him, and it’s still hard to fathom him being gone. He should still be here, and sometimes, I am so angry that he is not. He deserved so many more years on this Earth, and I deserved so many more years with him as my beloved grandfather. It’s the little things that devastate me the most, like seeing a man who looks just like him casually strolling through Target or finding a picture I took of the two of us together as I’m scrolling through my phone. I miss him so much, every day.

I’m nervous about being a poll worker. I can’t believe the election is in less than a week! OMG. I’m looking forward to the experience of being a poll worker, but also nervous about it. I just don’t know what to expect! Will the other poll workers be nice? Will I know what I’m doing? Will it be busy (Florida has mail-in ballots, no excuse needed, and early voting)? Will I be bored? Will I have to deal with stupid “poll watchers”? What if I get hungry? How many breaks am I going to get? How long am I going to be there—past 8, past 9? Should I bring extra masks? Should I get tested afterward? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

I’m terrified about this election. Our country cannot sustain another four years of Trump, and it’s terrifying to think about what could happen if he’s re-elected. I see way too many Trump yard signs and bumper stickers in my everyday life to feel even a little bit comfortable about this election. I don’t know how anyone can support Trump after his abysmal management of Covid, his complete disregard for norms, and his reluctance to call out white supremacists. I just hope Biden wins in a landslide and we can finally have some normalcy in the White House again.

My work is going through some significant structural changes, and it’s scary but also really exciting. Last week, we had a big, company-wide meeting to discuss these changes and it was a lot of information to digest and a super-long meeting by my standards (two hours). My department and my job won’t be changing or being restructured, which I am the most grateful for! Most of the changes that will be happening to me, specifically, are good changes—like a better system for tracking PTO, more PTO hours, better health insurance, etc. Other changes are likely to come, but for now, I’m trying to remain optimistic about what those will be.

Speaking of work, I am officially a full-time remote worker and I am thrilled about it! My company is transitioning to a mostly remote workforce, with our office turning into a coworking space in early 2021. It’s so exciting! I enjoy working from home so much and I’m glad I won’t have to give it up anytime soon. Last week, I went back to my office (only the second time since mid-March!) to pick up my full desktop computer (tower, two monitors, and two monitor stands) and my life has chaaaanged. It is so different working right from my computer, rather than remoting into it via a remote desktop system every morning (and subsequently, getting kicked off multiple times a day, sigh). The monitors are so much bigger and make working a billion times easier. Plus, I like that when I’m finished with work, I can fully shut down my computer and step away from my desk. (I’m trying to ONLY use my desk for work, and stay away from it in the evenings and on the weekend.)

I’m having many feelings about my birthday. I turn 33 this year, and I’m having feeeeelings about it. I’ve never really been one to feel “old” or lament the passage of time, and typically, I enjoy the hell out of my birthday. This year, things just feel different. Perhaps it’s the fact that I wasn’t able to check off some of the things I wanted to happen this year (dating, traveling, the novel, etc.) Maybe it’s just 2020 and feeling like this year was just… a waste, in a sense. Life felt at a standstill. I don’t feel like I’ve earned turning another year older! And yet, it’s happening and I will be 33 in one month. I thought about going away for the weekend but decided against it. I will try to enjoy the day with my usual fanfare (there will be a pedicure, a massage, and a lavish birthday dinner, for sure). And I will try to be grateful for the ability to turn another year older, grateful for my health and my family and my friends.

I’ve really enjoyed not spending money this month, and it hasn’t even been very hard. Okay, so I have spent a little money this month (I spent around $10 on Etsy prints and $4 on an e-book, and we can’t forget the FIFTY DOLLARS I spent on paints at Michaels, geez) but it’s nowhere near the level I spent in previous months! And it really hasn’t been that hard. There have been a few times when I started mindlessly searching for something on Amazon to buy before realizing what I was doing, which just goes to show you how goddamn easy it is to just spend money without really thinking about it. I got a package last week and it felt so weird! (It was my air filter, ha.) Maybe I’ll continue this into November, we’ll see. It’s been nice to have more money in my bank account, that’s for sure!

I am so sick of hot weather, and it’s making me very grumpy. You guys, I really thought I could bring back my midday walks. It’s the end of October, it’s snowing in the Midwest, it has to have cooled off here enough to attempt a 30-minute walk in the middle of the day. Um, no. Florida is still smack-dab in the summer. It’s been 100 degrees here in the afternoon (with 70% humidity, ughhhh). It’s making me very grumpy because I am so tired of the intense heat and humidity, and just want some cooler weather already. I’m not even asking for real fall weather—even highs in the low 80s would be acceptable!

Nothing makes me happier than my cats. I mean, can I gush about them for a bit? You guys, my cats are the best. They are sweet and loving and affectionate and a tiny bit naughty from time to time, but that keeps things interesting. 🙂 I love how Lila will jump up on my desk if she hears me talking during a meeting, and how Ellie spends all day curled up in the same spot on the bed, and how they encourage me to take a break from work to pet them. I love that I get to spend all day loving on them! It’s my favorite thing.

Tell me: How are you really doing?