About Me – Page 21

Categories: About Me

A Letter from the Past

When I was reorganizing my blog earlier this year, I found the below letter that I wrote to my future 28-year-old self at the tender age of 23. Reading through my blog archives from that time makes me cringe a lot because that was a really low point in my life. I don’t think I even realized the extent of it, but now that I’m on the other side of it, I can tell that I was not in a good place.

Reviewing this letter was eye-opening because I achieved so many of the things I wanted to have in my life. But before I get into that, let’s read:

Dear 28-year-old Stephany,

When I think of myself now, five years older than I am while writing this letter, I can’t help but think of how different my life will be. I’ll be on the cusp of turning 30, which feels just plain weird. I still feel perpetually fifteen.

I hope you are happy. I hope you have a job you love and have built a life that fulfills you. You began your 23rd year with very few friends, an unhealthy obsession with food, and low self-esteem. There is a lot I need to learn and a lot I hope to have experienced by the time I turn 28.

What do I want from you? So much. I want you to be healthy, eating food that feels good for your body. I want you to be fit and have found a passionate love for running or any other type of exercise. I want you to be successful, whether it be as a published author or working at a job you love. I want you to be married because frankly, you think about your future husband so much now that still being single five years from now feels defeatist. If you’re not married, I want you to be happy in your singlehood. I want you to not be afraid of starting relationships, be they friendships or romantic relationships. I want your life to be filled with friends and social events. At 23, you’re too filled with fear to do anything about cultivating friendships or being social.

And I want you to remember how you felt as you began Year 2011, at 23. At this time, you were happy, but then again, not-so-happy. You had just begun to explore all these feelings that bombard your mind and body multiple times a day and have hesitantly put a label of “anxiety” on what causes them. You will be seeking therapy in the new year and as much as you want to accept that, it feels a little bit like failure. It feels like you aren’t enough to take care of yourself. You are unhealthy and overweight with an obsession with food that is scary. You badly want to find a love for running and healthy eating so let’s hope 2011 is the year that happens. You don’t have very many friends (but I would venture to say that your amazing blog friends more than make up for that!) and it feels like your family is falling apart, with your 15-year-old twin cousins getting involved in some pretty bad stuff and nobody talking about what’s really going on.

I hope things begin to turn around soon for you. I hope you begin to open up your heart to new relationships, discover what you’re passionate about, and stop hiding from the world. Together, we can do this. We can be happy. We can be healthy. And we can begin to live in freedom.

Love,

Your former 23-year-old self

***

It’s so funny to imagine what I thought life would be like at 28. It feels weird that I’m here. I never really imagined myself being 28. Just like how, right now, I can’t imagine myself being 38.

One of the things that stuck out to me is how I wanted to work at a job I loved. When I wrote this letter, I was entering my last semester of college and working part-time at a preschool. I was miserable and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Five years later, I am working at a job I love and well beyond college. I get to write and edit for a living, learn about the interesting world of online marketing and SEO, and work with completely wonderful colleagues. So yes, younger Stephany, you did achieve that and it feels so good.

Another thing that jumped out at me was wanting to develop friendships. At 23, my friendship circle was minimal. I didn’t go out (like, at all), my high school friendships had fallen away, and I only really hung out with my family. So I’m really pleased that in the five years since this letter, I have connected with some truly wonderful women. I joined a book club, which was terrifying, but I ended up meeting some of my closest and most cherished girlfriends through it. These girls get me and let me be myself. Through work, I met more wonderful ladies, one of whom I connected with on such a deep level that we moved in together and I consider her to be one of my best friends. And how can I forget the friendship I have with my mom? It has grown deeper through the years, and there’s nobody I enjoy spending time with more than her. So friendships – another check mark. My social network might not be as extensive as most, but it’s perfect for me.

At 23, I wanted to be married when I was 28, but I’m really, really happy that I’m not. I’m content in being single and happy that I have this time in my life to explore what I want and to be completely selfish with my time. I also don’t spend all my time thinking about my future husband anymore. I go on dates when I want to, but mostly try not to take this area of my life too seriously. Love will happen when it happens!

But there is an area of my life that I haven’t yet gotten a handle on and that is my health. Over the past five years, my weight has gone up and not down, and it’s a constant area of struggle for me. But lately, I’ve found myself less inclined to worry so much about it. I don’t want to be someone who needs to be a certain weight in order to be happy. I’m trying to accept myself as I am right now, knowing I do need to lose weight for health reasons, but also that it’s okay that I’m not where I want to be. What I want more than to look a certain way is to feel better about myself and feel good about the choices I make. A number on the scale is arbitrary, but feeling good about myself is an exceptional way to live.

So to little 23-year-old Stephany who felt like the world was on her shoulders and life was one difficult day after another, I’m pleased to tell you that you are happy and love the life you have built for myself. It may not look exactly the way you envisioned it, but it’s still wonderful little life.

What do you think your former self from five years ago would think of your life today?

Categories: About Me

What I Learned From Writing 50,000 Words in 28 Days

Well, I officially completed NaNoWriMo 2015! I wrote 50,000 words for my novel in just 28 days, and it was so much fun. A lot of work, but I can’t deny how much fun I had with the challenge. When I began the month, I was 10,000 words into my novel and now I have nearly 67,000 words written. Since I want this book to be around 90,000-100,000 words, I still have a ton of writing to do, but I’m hoping to maintain my daily writing habit to finish the novel before the year is over.

I learned a lot in November, about writing and about maintaining the motivation to complete a long challenge, and I thought I would use today to talk about some of those lessons learned. These lessons will be broad enough to hopefully be helpful for anyone embarking on any kind of journey, not just writing.

Accountability is key.

Most times when I attempt NaNoWriMo (I’ve tried it five times, won it twice), I give up quickly because I don’t talk about it much. I may mention it on the blog, but not anywhere else. This year, I told my writing partner what I was attempting and would check in with her frequently about how the challenge was going. We also met once a week to write. Knowing I had to check in with her and having her cheer me on this whole month was such an important part of maintaining my focus.

So, whether you’re writing a novel or training for a marathon or searching for a new job, enlist a buddy. They can give you motivation. They can help you out by going on a training run with you or reading over your resume. Basically, an accountability partner is an external support to keep you going.

It’s okay to get behind

I got behind on the second day of NaNoWriMo. I had had a bad day and when I came home from work, the last thing I wanted to do was write. So, instead, I laid on the couch and watched TV. My manuscript sat untouched. It was only day two and I was already behind… yikes. Instead of letting that get me down, I told myself I could easily make up the words throughout the week. And it took me a while to get on pace, but I did. Normally, a setback like that, especially so quickly into the challenge, would have demotivated me so much, I would have quit. But this time, I didn’t allow something so small to defeat me. It taught me that it’s okay to get behind, to falter a bit, to lose focus. No matter if that comes in the beginning, the middle, or the end, it’s all okay.

Miss a training run? Fall off your eating plan for a day? Take a few days off from working on your side hustle? It’s all okay. It’s not the end of the world. You can get back on track. Just remember why you are doing what you are doing and you’ll find your motivation once again.

Shitty days will happen

Some days, the writing felt so effortless and everything I wrote felt good and moved the story along. Then, there were other days where the writing felt difficult and I would look back on what I wrote with my nose wrinkled in disgust. The sentences felt cheesy, the plot off balance. That? Is called writing a novel. No writer, no matter how experienced, has a super successful day every single day. Some days are just shitty, plain and simple. That’s just part of the process of writing a novel.

You won’t be excited about your goal every single day. That’s just the way it is. The journey of achieving a goal features many, many boring, unsexy steps. These are the steps nobody sees, where everything is a slog and you may start thinking that you’re not cut out for whatever you’re trying to achieve. You are. You are more than capable. Shitty days happen, and you just have to be prepared to break through it.

I think one of the lessons I learned most during NaNoWriMo, though, is how much I love writing fiction. Each day was such an adventure and even when it was difficult, it was still so interesting and fun to work through the hard parts. I’m so excited to finish my novel and spend all of 2016 editing it. And then? I aim to get this one published. Oh yeah.

Categories: About Me

Lessons Learned at 27

On Saturday, I turned 28 years old. It’s weird to feel closer to 30 than 20. I’ve never felt like a young person in spirit – I’ve always gravitated towards the adults rather than the kids at social outings, always had friends who were older rather than younger than me. Is it the old soul mentality? I don’t know, but I feel better and better as I grow older. There’s no fretting about time passing by and my youth in my rearview mirror. It’s just… what it is. Time does pass and youth does fade, but what’s ahead of us is something precious.

(And honestly, 28 is not old in the grand scheme of things! I realize this.)

I wondered a lot about how I wanted to write about turning a brand-new age, and I figured writing about lessons learned might be the most helpful – both to me and to others. So, here’s what 27 taught me. I can’t wait to see what lessons 28 holds for me.

1) I don’t ever have to do anything I don’t want to do. Every choice I make is my choice and I will not feel bad about it. It’s also important to note that if I am repeating this phrase while dating someone, it’s probably not a healthy relationship and it’s time to reevaluate things.

2) Leftover pizza tastes a thousand times better heated up in a toaster oven than in a microwave. It took me 27 years to learn this. I cry over how many leftover pizza slices I wasted.

3) There is nothing more painful in the world than to watch a loved one take their last breaths. The finality of it is heart-wrenching. But being there as my grandma passed while surrounded by people who loved her just as much as I did? There’s peace in that. There’s hope.

4) Planning a small, intimate wedding is rather fun! But I’m still planning on eloping if I ever decide to get married.

5) Always speak up when I want something. Even if I feel it should have been given to me already, even if I want to pout about why I wasn’t considered first for this thing, even if the fact that I wasn’t chosen pulls me down into a self-doubt spiral, I should always ask for the thing. Because I won’t get what I don’t ask for.

6) A relationship that develops slowly is so much better than one that develops at lightning speed. Slow and steady wins the race here. There’s no need to rush into anything; let the pace be gradual.

7) If you love alone time but don’t fancy living alone just yet, move in with an extrovert who has a crazy social life. In the 11 weeks I have been living with Roomie, I think she has only been home for three weekends. It means I don’t have to live alone, but I also get plenty of space.

8) Learning what your anxiety triggers are is a big step forward in the right direction. This year, I learned that big change is a major anxiety trigger for me, and recognizing that helped me to notice all the times when anxiety has reared its head when a big change is headed my way. A new relationship, a change to my family structure, moving, loss, etc. All of it trips my anxiety wires. Understanding this helps me to move forward with compassion and self-care, not anger or frustration.

9) There is something so gloriously fulfilling about being happy as a single person. Being content with your own company is an amazing thing. It doesn’t mean I’m not open to something new developing; it just means that romance isn’t the end-all, be-all for my life.

10) I can do hard things. Giving up soda for Lent helped me to recognize that I can do hard things. It’s a silly example, yes, but when I accomplish things like this, it helps me to realize how very capable I am.

11) Stuff doesn’t make me happy. In fact, it stresses me out. I continuously want to own less and less stuff, but it can be very hard, living in such a consumerist culture. I’d love to make 2016 the year I don’t buy anything and find contentment in what I already own.

12) I don’t want to waste any more of my years fretting about my weight. I’ve spent way too long complaining about my weight, growing sad when I look at my body in the mirror. I want to end this cycle of negativity. I don’t want to set goals to lose X amount of weight in Y amount of time. I don’t want to feel bad if I eat junky food or miss a workout. I want to treat my body with respect – and that also includes the way I talk about my body. Could I stand to lose, erm, 40 to 50 lbs? Heck yes. But has beating myself up helped me lose those pounds? Heck no. What would happen if I showed respect and honor to my body by appreciating it as it is right now, not how I wish it could be?

Any lessons you learned this year that you’d like to share? Let me know in the comments!

Categories: About Me

The Struggle of Acceptance

I’m afraid of missing out.

I’m afraid of not living my life by the mantra “YOLO!”

I’m afraid of wasting my time, of not measuring up to my version of success, of not measuring up to other’s versions of success.

I’m afraid of not being special, not being important, not being necessary.

I’m afraid of dying and I’m afraid of living.

Not that I’m suicidal, or even depressed. I’m not. Life just feels… overwhelming at times. There’s so much to do. So much to see. So much to measure up to. So much to hurt. So much to love. So much to be.

I’m afraid I can’t do it all.

I have friends who fill up their free time with adventures and funny dating stories and traveling and just doing. They don’t sit still. They have buckets and buckets of energy. I get tired from even one night out.

It’s probably why I hate dating so much. Even one date expends so much of my limited energy. And if the date goes well and then I have to consider adding a person into my solitary lifestyle? Forget it. It feels like too much work.

I always wonder what it’s like to be the kind of person who thrives on being busy, of balancing a ton of responsibilities. Someone who makes plans upon plans during their weekend, barely having time for sleep.

I thought I had accepted who I am.

I’m introverted, which means I get drained by social interaction.

I have social anxiety, which means my mind is constantly buzzing with worries of what people are thinking of me when I’m with them.

I’m highly sensitive, which means loud places and conversations rattle me.

All of this thrown together gives you a person who thrives on slowness. On quiet. On calm. On peace.

And I like that about me. I like that I am content in my own company, happiest for quiet nights in and lazy weekends.

But I also don’t like that about me. I don’t like that it takes so much energy for me to go out. I don’t like that my natural personality is one who is a hermit and that I have to force myself to make plans with friends and accept social invitations.

And not to mention, when I do go out and be social, I never feel totally comfortable, no matter where I am. (See above: social anxiety) I’m always worried about something. I’m worried about the logistics of where I’m going. I’m worried about holding a conversation. I’m worried about what people are thinking of me and if they actually even want me at this event.

It’s exhausting. It’s so exhausting to be in my head.

So what’s the solution? How do I let go of the fears and the worries and the constant anxiety? How do I finally start living a YOLO-kinda life? How do I stop being afraid that I’m wasting my time?

Therapy would probably help.

But more than therapy (which I do admit I need, no doubt about that), I think it comes to truly accepting who I am. Which is hard, when the whole world is filled with extroverts. And yeah, sure, introverts are having their time right now. But truly? Extroverts still rule the world. And I don’t fit into that world.

I’m a girl who hates to be busy. I like quiet weekends with one or two (or zero, even) social engagements. I don’t have the mental stamina to stay out all night (and I never have; this isn’t a cutesy “oh, I’m just getting old! Tehehe.” No. I was this way at 20.) and I hoard my alone time like a fiend.

And the people in my life understand this about me. They get it. I’m not saying I have friends who think I’m weird for my need for alone time. Quite the opposite. But there’s still this… fear… that I’m not doing enough. That I’m letting myself off the hook. That I need to be more extroverted… even though I am 100% not an extrovert and I shouldn’t strive to be.

(And don’t even get me started about dating. Dating is a whole other version of hell when you’re shy, introverted, and socially anxious.)

I’ve definitely come out of my shell more in the past few years. I’ve made a close circle of girlfriends. I try to make plans on the weekends, even if it’s just one thing and the rest of my weekend is spent puttering around my apartment, writing and reading. But it’s still hard to look at other people’s lives and realize how different mine is. How less exciting, less courageous, less bold. I worry that I’m wasting my time.

When it comes down to it, though, I think we’re all scared that we’re not doing enough. Some of us may feel like we need to get out more, while others may feel like they don’t know how to relax and unwind. We all want our lives to mean something. We’re all afraid of wasting this precious time on Earth.

The truth is, we’re not wasting time or missing out or not living up to the “YOLO” standard. We’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got. We’re all trying to be the best versions of ourselves, and sometimes we fail at that and sometimes we succeed and that is the absolute beauty of life. That is the power of the human experience – failure and success and trying.

Let’s all keep trying.

Categories: About Me

A to Z Survey

It’s wedding weekend – ahh! I can’t believe my mom gets married tomorrow. It is going to be such a fun day (and I promise a full recap next week!) Since my mind can’t really focus on anything other than wedding preparations, I thought this survey that I saw on another blog would be a fun Friday post! Go ahead and steal it for your own blog – can’t wait to see your answers!

A. Age: 27

B. Biggest fear: Losing my mom

C. Current time: 9:23 p.m.

D. Drink you had last: Grape Gatorade

E. Easiest person to talk to: My mom

F. Favorite song: Right now, I love rocking out to “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten

G. Grossest memory: Oh, gosh, nothing surpasses the time I went to watch my brother’s soccer practice and afterward, he downed a lime-green Gatorade, which he promptly threw up in front of everyone. I’ve never been able to drink lime-green Gatorade since then.

H. Hometown: St. Petersburg, FL

I. In love with: This man!

J. Jealous of: People who got the chance to have a normal college experience

K. Kindest person you know: My soon-to-be roomie, Bri. She’s the kind of person who will drop everything and be there for you when you need her. I feel like the luckiest person in the world that she wants to live with me!

L. Longest relationship: Umm

M. Middle name: Marie

N. Number of siblings: Just one

O. One wish: For Dutch to feel better

P. Person you spoke to on the phone last: The receptionist at my eye doctor to give her my insurance information! Ha.

Q. Question you’re always asked: “How are you?” is the only one I can think of… I’m not asked any actual questions on such a frequent basis as to remember them.

R. Reason to smile: This squishy little baby

S. Song you last sang: “Put Your Records On” (such a fun song to sing along to!)

T. Time you woke up: 6:00 a.m.

U. Underwear color: Nude!

V. Vacation destination: Anywhere a cruise ship will take me

W. Worst habit: Biting the skin around my thumb. Nervous habit!

X. X-rays you’ve had: Numerous ones at the dentist, twice for my foot/ankle, and once for my thumb when I sliced it open and had to get it stitched (the ER doc wanted to make sure there wasn’t any more glass embedded inside the cut).

Y. Your favorite food: Subs from Publix. I’m addicted. I have 2-3 a week.

Z. Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

Who is the kindest person you know? What is one wish you have right now?