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Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

What Olympians Can Teach Us About Goal Setting

I love the Olympics. I love all sports, really, but I especially love the Olympics.

It makes my heart pound. It makes me anxious and nervous. It makes me shout at the TV, rooting for people whose names and stories I didn’t even know until five minutes ago. It makes my stomach fall when an athlete stumbles. It makes my eyes fill with tears when an athlete realizes the dream they have been working toward for years and years and years has finally come true: they are an Olympic gold medalist.

I love these athletes. I love their shining moments. I love watching their dreams come true.

What we see when we watch the Olympics is the sexy side of goal setting.

We’re seeing the end result. The glitz and the glamour. The bright lights and the glory.

What we don’t see is everything that led to this moment.

Take Simone Biles, as an example. She will go down in history, at least for now, as the greatest gymnast of all time.

And how did she get there? By working her ass off, day after day.

Early morning workouts. Strict eating habits. Turning down plans and proms and dates and sleepovers with friends. Spending all of her free time at the gym. Working on her routines over and over and over again. Failing and getting back up. Succeeding but knowing she still has to get back to work.

These are all the unsexy sides of goal setting. She worked for years and years and years for the Olympics. It was all work done behind the scenes. We didn’t see all the blood, sweat, and tears that led to her final floor routine, which gave her the gold medal in the all-around competition. We didn’t see all the work she had to do internally to find her confidence and poise.

But it’s all those unsexy steps that were the most important. All the early mornings and workouts and strict schedules. Those steps led to the Olympics. Those steps led to standing on top of the podium as the best gymnast in the world.

And, can I just be honest for a minute here? I truly, truly, truly hate those unsexy steps.

They are so boring, you know? They are such a slog.

I just want the final moment.

I want the cute engagement story, the goal weight, the strong body, the published novel, the robust savings account.

But do I want to do all of the hard work it takes to get to that place?

Suffering through bad dates and terrible Tinder convos. Resisting sweets and shoving salad in my mouth instead. Waking up early and pushing my body through a tough workout. Working tirelessly on a novel that may or may not become published. Turning down plans with friends and saying no to fancy vacations.

All of it takes sacrifice. (I’m trying to make a point here, but yes, I understand that Simone’s sacrifice to gymnastics is completely different than the sacrifice of going on a Tinder date.)

Our goals take so much sacrifice, and I think we (I?) have the tendency to quit when the going gets tough, to YOLO our way out of working hard because, truly, we only get one life and why should we spend it in sacrifice mode? Why should we resist what we think our body wants?

It all comes down to the question: are our goals worth it? Is the glory of the final moment worth the weeks, months, or years (at least in Simone’s case) it takes to get there?

The answer is unique to each individual, and I do think those who become Olympians have a specific drive and competitive spirit that isn’t inherent in every person. You have to want it and you have to want it more than you want anything else.

You have to continue to push yourself, even when the going gets tough, because of the final moment. The gold medal, the published novel, the goal weight. That’s what’s driving you, that’s what keeps you motivated when you’re down in the trenches of the unsexy part of achieving goals.

We have to want those final moments. We have to live and breathe them as if they are ours. We have to visualize how we will feel, look, and act when our dreams are fulfilled.

And then we have to go out there and press on, even when it sucks, even when it’s so hard it feels impossible, even when we want to give up and call it quits.

Achievement for most of us doesn’t mean stepping onto the top of a podium with a medal around our neck. It may only mean stepping onto a scale alone in our bathroom and cheering for ourselves when we see the number we’ve been striving for. Or taking a photo at the finish line of a 5k you worked hard to complete.

But we can still take so much inspiration from these Olympians.

The blood, the sweat, the tears… it’s all worth it. Believe it is worth it, believe there’s nothing stopping you but yourself, and work your ass off and you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

(I mean, unless your goal is to beat Katie Ledecky in any type of race in the pool because, sorry, I just don’t think that’s possible.)

Categories: About Me

What Self Care Means to Me

selfcare

Self-care is one of my favorite topics, so much so that I’ve been on a mission to help friends of mine think about self-care and how to implement routines into their daily lives. I think it’s one of the strongest acts of self-kindness, to understand what self-care means to you and how to ensure you are taking care of yourself in this way.

Self-care is about the actions you take to provide a little TLC to your physical, emotional, or mental health. It’s intentional practices that you put in place to help you when you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, tired, anxious, sad, or upset. In doing so, you trigger your body to begin to relax, calm down, and get centered. It provides a routine to leave your worries behind, if only for a little bit.

Here are some of the self-care practices I use regularly:

  • Bubble baths – Yes, I know that this is a pretty basic self-care practice, but it truly is my most favorite one. I take a bubble bath almost daily, usually right after I get home from work. I make the water as hot as I can handle it, squeeze out soap (I use regular body wash; nothing fancy here!), and then sink into the warm water and bubbles with a book. There’s truly nothing more euphoric for me than the moment when I submerge my body below the bubbles.
  • Naps – I love taking naps more than anything in this world. My affinity for napping is probably why I’m so hesitant about children. (I hear there’s something about getting less sleep as a mother? Ehhhh.) There’s something so delightful about crawling into a cool bed on a warm afternoon day and falling into a deep sleep with my snoring dachshund by my side.
  • Five minutes of sunshine – I use this self-care practice mostly at work when I’m feeling stressed out or anxious and need a break. I take myself downstairs to this beautiful deck area that is quiet and has a great view of the water. I soak in the sunshine, let my mind wander, and enjoy the quiet. It’s blissful.
  • Taking a day to read a trashy romance novel – If I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed and overstimulated, I’ll spend a Saturday stretched out on my bed reading a romance novel. I have a few authors I can always count on for giving me a book I won’t want to put down. It feels so indulgent and truly helps my mental well-being.
  • Baking – I used this self-care routine when I moved a year ago and was feeling lost and anxious. Baking centered me. It’s such a precise science, baking is, and it requires your full attention. The end result is something sweet and tasty, and since I’m an emotional eater, that also takes care of this need for self-care.
  • Going for a walk while listening to a podcast – I don’t do this as often as I’d like because there aren’t too many great walking paths around me (other than Bayshore Blvd, which isn’t my favorite). But I do love a long walk by myself where I can listen to a podcast and get lost in my thoughts.

You’ll notice that all of my self-care routines are solo activities and that’s because I’m a highly sensitive introvert that needs a ton of alone time to recharge. I typically indulge in self-care when I need this recharging, and then I’m free to get out there and socialize with friends and colleagues. Extroverts (and introverts who aren’t highly sensitive) might enjoy having a long phone conversation with a good friend, window shopping at the mall, or going to the beach for the day. We all have different self-care needs and it’s up to us to build these routines into our lives so that we have an action plan in place when we need to slow down.

What self-care routines do you use?

Categories: About Me

17 Questions

Happy Friday, friends! I’ve seen this survey floating around a few blogs I read, and since I love filling out surveys, I thought it would be a fun end-of-the-week post to write. Feel free to fill it out on your own blog!

1. What brings you the greatest joy?

A good book, a silent apartment, and my dog. I think that’s what makes me the happiest: the times when I’m alone and snuggled under a blanket with Dutch, reading a book.

2. What are your vices?

My biggest vice is probably soda, Dr. Pepper especially. I know it’s terrible for me, but I can’t help how much I love a good, ice-cold soda. One of these days I’ll make the transition to LaCroix, but I had the lime flavor once and it was so tasteless. (What’s the best flavor, LaCroix fans?)

3. What is on your nightstand?

A lamp, an essential oil diffuser, my dachshund bookend, and books!

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Looks neat and tidy, doesn’t it? This is because I’m not showing you the entire nightstand; the shelf and drawers below are a mess. This is basically where I dump things I need to hold onto, but don’t have the time to deal with/organize at the moment. And the place I keep junk that needs to be thrown away. Weekend project: clean this up so I can stop being embarrassed by it!

4. Do you have a secret talent?

If I have one, it’s coming up with as many creative ways to complain when I’m doing an arts and crafts project. For some, it makes me hilarious to be around; for others, it’s annoying. Ha!

5. What is your greatest indulgence?

My hair appointments are a huge indulgence. I go every other month to a fancy salon, but I can’t imagine going anywhere else! Getting my color done costs around $60 and a haircut costs around $50. I also go in every month to get my bangs trimmed (but most of the time, stylists don’t charge me) and every 3-4 months for an eyebrow waxing. It’s incredibly indulgent, but it’s just about the only thing I spend a lot of money on.

6. What should everyone try at least once in their life?

Going on a cruise! I truly believe that cruising is a fantastic way to vacation – to actually vacation where you get away from technology and can’t check email, social media, etc., so you can focus on relaxing and being with your loved ones. It’s not for everyone, I understand that, but I think a lot of people don’t give it the credit it deserves. There is nothing more incredible than walking along a deck and seeing nothing but water surrounding me on all sides. It makes me feel small and it makes me feel grateful.

Carnival ship

7. What makes you laugh?

Oh gosh, my coworkers! I don’t think a day goes by when I’m not laughing at something, whether it’s a silly conversation or a funny joke or a story they tell me. I really, really love my work environment. It’s a fun place!

8. What is one thing people would be surprised to know about you?

I think people would be surprised at how quippy I am. I feel like I am fairly serious on my blog and social media, and I’m not really that serious IRL. Ha! I am incredibly sarcastic and I love joking around with people. My roommate thinks I’m hilarious, which is why I love her so much. 😉

9. What is on your bucket list?

I would love to take a Mediterranean cruise someday. I think that would be the perfect way for me to explore parts of Europe!

10. What is on your feet right now?

My feet are bare! I try to wear shoes as little as possible. Even at work, I take them off when I’m at my desk. Hehe.

11. How did you make your first dollar?

If I’m not mistaken, I made my first dollar by cleaning at my mom’s daycare. I think it was the summer after sixth grade, and my brother and I worked together. We cleaned all of the toys in the daycare center, bleached all of the chairs, and probably did some other random cleanings. It was hard work!

12. What superstition do you believe in?

That bad luck comes in threes! I firmly believe this superstition is true.

13. What items in your closet do you wear the most?

My black slacks that have an elastic waistband. Ha – they basically feel like wearing yoga pants to work, but they look professional. Ain’t nobody got time for buttons and zippers.

14. What is the best gift you’ve ever received?

Dutch! He was a gift from my great-aunt when she couldn’t keep him because he was snapping at her grandkids. (He’s not the best around children, ha.) He’s the best gift I’ve ever been given, hands down.

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15. What is on your liquor shelf?

I don’t have one! I rarely drink, so liquor is not something I spend money on.

16. What is on your kitchen counter?

On one counter: coffee maker, a container for our spatulas and spoons, spoon rest, knife block. On the other: basket for Dutch’s treats, a toaster oven, a dish drainer, a paper towel holder, and a fruit bowl.

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17. What would you never leave home without?

My phone! I can’t go anywhere without my phone. I feel lost. And I don’t see that as a bad thing. I don’t feel lost because I need to be constantly attached to my phone, but I have anxiety and I need to know that my people are okay at all times. If I don’t have my phone with me, I won’t know if some catastrophe occurred and that just makes me feel more anxious! My phone is just that extra support that all is okay for now.

Tell me something people would be surprised to know about you!

Categories: About Me

Chronic Singleness, Shame, and Accepting What Is

Here’s my truth: I am turning 29 at the end of this year and I have yet to be in a serious, long-term relationship.

It’s painful to admit that. It’s shameful. It’s hard to stare that truth in the face and acknowledge my role in it.

I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me, some reason behind why I don’t have the typical dating experiences that people around me have. I didn’t have a high school or college sweetheart; I didn’t date at all until I was out of college.

I started my first account with an online dating website when I was 23 because people had continued to tell me that I had to put myself out there if I ever wanted to be in a relationship. Which is factual because it wasn’t until I joined OK Cupid that I began to talk to guys and go on dates.

I am a naturally shy and quiet person. I’m not classically beautiful. I’m overweight. I’m not the girl that everyone’s eyes gravitate to when she walks into the room. I’m not trying to put myself down here, nor am I looking for compliments. It’s just that, for me, I was never the girl who was going to find a guy at a bar or a club or, hell, even a coffee shop or bookstore. I’m just not the type of girl who garners attention. And that’s okay because I don’t want attention. Ever. I am perfectly okay with being the girl who gets overlooked most of the time.

But it makes dating hard, which is why online dating was perfect for me. I am much better at conversation through screen than mouth. I can carefully curate my photos to ensure only my best ones are present. I can message with a boy for as long as I want until I’m ready to meet in person. First dates can feel less awkward and more natural.

But in the five years, I’ve been online dating, I’ve only had two successful (ish) relationships. Neither of which lasted longer than a few months.

It’s weird to be at the place I am today: 28 and chronically single. The girl with no relationships.

It’s hard to admit that fact when I’m talking to someone I met online and he asks me about my longest relationship. What does my chronically single status say about me?

It could say that I’m unlovable, but anyone who has ever met me knows that’s the furthest thing from the truth. It may take me a while to warm up to people, but when I love, I love hard and I love fiercely. This future boyfriend will be loved with abandon and it’s going to rock his world.

My chronically single status could say that I have high standards, and maybe I do, but why is that constantly looked at as a bad thing? So I should lower my standards for something as important as love? Nope – sorry, but it’s my life and I get to decide what my standards are. If they are too high, that just means that the man I am meant to love is going to be one amazing person.

Or maybe being chronically single means I’m uninteresting and unable to keep a guy’s attention. But then you probably haven’t seen the way my eyes light up when I talk about books, about writing, about my dog, about my family, about football, about politics, about religion, about feminism… about any number of topics that I can’t shut up about once I get going. Uninteresting is not a word I would ever use to describe myself.

Perhaps my reason for being chronically single is that this was just the path I was meant to take. Maybe it’s as simple as that. It doesn’t mean anything about me personally. Maybe I was only meant to have one or two serious, long-term relationships in my life and it just hasn’t happened for me yet, but it will in the future.

Because instead of wasting my time in relationships that may have been detrimental to my overall well-being, I spent it working on me. I’m an independent woman who really and truly has her shit together. I have never depended on a relationship to sustain me, but instead, have sustained myself in a myriad of ways. I have learned to appreciate my alone time, I have deepened my friendships, I have formed new hobbies.

Being single for so long means I have spent a lot of time with myself, and good god, do I like myself. I really, really like myself. I am a fucking awesome human being! It’s really rather eye-opening to say that and to know how deeply I believe it. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of growing up, a lot of internal discovery to get to this place. And I got here because I allowed myself the gift of singleness. I didn’t get here because some guy I dated deemed I was worthy.

I could choose to see my chronic singleness as a downfall to my character, as a negative to my life’s path. And I used to. But I won’t anymore. There is no shame in the way my path unfolded; it’s just the way my life was meant to happen.

We only get one life. I don’t want to spend mine regretting the things I haven’t done, but instead, celebrating the person I am and enjoying every single twist and turn I encounter during my time here.

Categories: About Me

The Benefits of Alone Time

Note: I wasn’t sure how to approach the massacre in Orlando this weekend. On the one hand, when things like this occur (all too frequently, sadly), I use the time to step away from social media and deal with my emotions privately. On the other hand, this shooting happened mere hours from where I live. Terrorism has never felt so personal, so terrifying. I’m shocked, I’m sad, and I’m tired. I want senseless tragedy to stop. I want to stop reading about innocent people being taken from their families way too soon. I feel helpless and I feel scared. My thoughts and prayers are with these families who lost their loved ones. 

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Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time alone. Not just for a night, but for an entire day or an entire weekend. I’ve done this intentionally. I’ve actively carved out this time to be by myself, not dependent on anyone else for entertainment.

And it’s been amazing.

It’s everything I never thought I wanted. I used to be afraid to be alone with myself for too long… just the thought of a day by myself would cause my stomach to knot. I feared loneliness and silence and solitude. I feared looking like a freak if I went to the mall or to a restaurant by myself. I feared turning into a hermit.

But gradually, I have learned to appreciate these solitary weekends where I intentionally make zero social plans, intent on spending time with myself. Time to write, to read, to nap, to watch Netflix, to organize my apartment, to lay out by the pool, to run errands. All of it alone.

There’s nothing more recharging than these solitary weekends. It’s soothing and necessary for my mental health.

The truth is, I think spending time alone is necessary, no matter if you are an extrovert or an introvert. Here’s why:

Alone time quiets our minds

When we clear out our distractions and let ourselves just be, we can quiet and calm our minds so that we have a chance to pause and reflect. When I’m alone, I don’t have to worry about anyone else but myself, which means I don’t have to be “on,” engaging in conversation and constantly processing information from my surroundings and other people. Our minds can be a noisy place          when we’re always around people and interacting with the world. But when we allow for the quiet and peace, we’re able to reflect more freely and recharge more abundantly.

Alone time lets us explore our independence

Alone time doesn’t have to mean spending all day inside. It can also mean exploring somewhere new or experimenting with a new hobby by yourself. If you want to take that dance class, you can take it. If you want to go to that festival downtown, you can go. We don’t have to always be with people to try new things. This is something I’m still learning because for a long time, I did believe I could only do certain things if I had someone to go with me. But it’s been so empowering to do the things I want to do because I want to do them, not because I finally had a friend agree to go with me.

Alone time allows us to be totally selfish and carefree

I think this is what I enjoy most about my alone time: I get to be totally, 100% selfish with my time. I get to do exactly what I want to do and I don’t have to check in with anyone else. For the longest time, I’ve looked at my singleness as a negative, but I’m starting to see it as a positive: it means I have the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want. It means I can take a nap at 3pm, eat ice cream for dinner, or spend all day reading a romance novel. That’s magical.

Alone time helps with productivity

One of the things I love most about alone time is that it allows me to get stuff done that I can’t get done when I’m spending my days around people and on the go. I can organize my home, make progress on my goals, and tackle projects that I just can’t get around to when my schedule is busy. Alone time can be peaceful and relaxing, but it can also be productive and useful.

Alone time helps us discover ourselves

What do you like to do? What are your interests? If you’re so busy saying yes to everyone else and don’t have the space to be alone and figure out exactly what you like, you’re missing out on a critical component. When you allow yourself this space of alone time, then you get to have this conversation with yourself to discover what you like to do, irrespective of other people.

I used to look at my alone time as a negative, but it’s really not. It’s a positive force in my life and I want to eke out as much joy and pleasure from it as I can. I’m in this time of my life where I can make the choice to spend entire weekends alone, and that’s because I don’t have a partner or children. Instead of feeling down about that, I’m seeing what a gift this time of singleness is: a time to be alone, discover myself, and enjoy this season. This is a gift I can give myself.

Obviously, there needs to be a balance between alone time and social time. I love planning a weekend alone every few months, and I also like to set aside one weekend day a couple times a month to be alone. It’s so necessary for me, and I’m glad I can finally admit that my alone time is something I crave without feeling guilty about it.

How do you feel about alone time?

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Welcome!

Welcome!

Hi, I'm Stephany! (She/her) I'm a 30-something single lady, living in Florida. I am a bookworm, cat mom, podcaster, and reality TV junkie. I identify as an Enneagram 9, an introvert, and a Highly Sensitive Person. On this blog, you will find stories about my life, book reviews, travel experiences, and more. Welcome!

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