About Me – Page 25

Categories: About Me

Lessons Learned at 27

On Saturday, I turned 28 years old. It’s weird to feel closer to 30 than 20. I’ve never felt like a young person in spirit – I’ve always gravitated towards the adults rather than the kids at social outings, always had friends who were older rather than younger than me. Is it the old soul mentality? I don’t know, but I feel better and better as I grow older. There’s no fretting about time passing by and my youth in my rearview mirror. It’s just… what it is. Time does pass and youth does fade, but what’s ahead of us is something precious.

(And honestly, 28 is not old in the grand scheme of things! I realize this.)

I wondered a lot about how I wanted to write about turning a brand-new age, and I figured writing about lessons learned might be the most helpful – both to me and to others. So, here’s what 27 taught me. I can’t wait to see what lessons 28 holds for me.

1) I don’t ever have to do anything I don’t want to do. Every choice I make is my choice and I will not feel bad about it. It’s also important to note that if I am repeating this phrase while dating someone, it’s probably not a healthy relationship and it’s time to reevaluate things.

2) Leftover pizza tastes a thousand times better heated up in a toaster oven than in a microwave. It took me 27 years to learn this. I cry over how many leftover pizza slices I wasted.

3) There is nothing more painful in the world than to watch a loved one take their last breaths. The finality of it is heart-wrenching. But being there as my grandma passed while surrounded by people who loved her just as much as I did? There’s peace in that. There’s hope.

4) Planning a small, intimate wedding is rather fun! But I’m still planning on eloping if I ever decide to get married.

5) Always speak up when I want something. Even if I feel it should have been given to me already, even if I want to pout about why I wasn’t considered first for this thing, even if the fact that I wasn’t chosen pulls me down into a self-doubt spiral, I should always ask for the thing. Because I won’t get what I don’t ask for.

6) A relationship that develops slowly is so much better than one that develops at lightning speed. Slow and steady wins the race here. There’s no need to rush into anything; let the pace be gradual.

7) If you love alone time but don’t fancy living alone just yet, move in with an extrovert who has a crazy social life. In the 11 weeks I have been living with Roomie, I think she has only been home for three weekends. It means I don’t have to live alone, but I also get plenty of space.

8) Learning what your anxiety triggers are is a big step forward in the right direction. This year, I learned that big change is a major anxiety trigger for me, and recognizing that helped me to notice all the times when anxiety has reared its head when a big change is headed my way. A new relationship, a change to my family structure, moving, loss, etc. All of it trips my anxiety wires. Understanding this helps me to move forward with compassion and self-care, not anger or frustration.

9) There is something so gloriously fulfilling about being happy as a single person. Being content with your own company is an amazing thing. It doesn’t mean I’m not open to something new developing; it just means that romance isn’t the end-all, be-all for my life.

10) I can do hard things. Giving up soda for Lent helped me to recognize that I can do hard things. It’s a silly example, yes, but when I accomplish things like this, it helps me to realize how very capable I am.

11) Stuff doesn’t make me happy. In fact, it stresses me out. I continuously want to own less and less stuff, but it can be very hard, living in such a consumerist culture. I’d love to make 2016 the year I don’t buy anything and find contentment in what I already own.

12) I don’t want to waste any more of my years fretting about my weight. I’ve spent way too long complaining about my weight, growing sad when I look at my body in the mirror. I want to end this cycle of negativity. I don’t want to set goals to lose X amount of weight in Y amount of time. I don’t want to feel bad if I eat junky food or miss a workout. I want to treat my body with respect – and that also includes the way I talk about my body. Could I stand to lose, erm, 40 to 50 lbs? Heck yes. But has beating myself up helped me lose those pounds? Heck no. What would happen if I showed respect and honor to my body by appreciating it as it is right now, not how I wish it could be?

Any lessons you learned this year that you’d like to share? Let me know in the comments!

Categories: About Me

The Struggle of Acceptance

I’m afraid of missing out.

I’m afraid of not living my life by the mantra “YOLO!”

I’m afraid of wasting my time, of not measuring up to my version of success, of not measuring up to other’s versions of success.

I’m afraid of not being special, not being important, not being necessary.

I’m afraid of dying and I’m afraid of living.

Not that I’m suicidal, or even depressed. I’m not. Life just feels… overwhelming at times. There’s so much to do. So much to see. So much to measure up to. So much to hurt. So much to love. So much to be.

I’m afraid I can’t do it all.

I have friends who fill up their free time with adventures and funny dating stories and traveling and just doing. They don’t sit still. They have buckets and buckets of energy. I get tired from even one night out.

It’s probably why I hate dating so much. Even one date expends so much of my limited energy. And if the date goes well and then I have to consider adding a person into my solitary lifestyle? Forget it. It feels like too much work.

I always wonder what it’s like to be the kind of person who thrives on being busy, of balancing a ton of responsibilities. Someone who makes plans upon plans during their weekend, barely having time for sleep.

I thought I had accepted who I am.

I’m introverted, which means I get drained by social interaction.

I have social anxiety, which means my mind is constantly buzzing with worries of what people are thinking of me when I’m with them.

I’m highly sensitive, which means loud places and conversations rattle me.

All of this thrown together gives you a person who thrives on slowness. On quiet. On calm. On peace.

And I like that about me. I like that I am content in my own company, happiest for quiet nights in and lazy weekends.

But I also don’t like that about me. I don’t like that it takes so much energy for me to go out. I don’t like that my natural personality is one who is a hermit and that I have to force myself to make plans with friends and accept social invitations.

And not to mention, when I do go out and be social, I never feel totally comfortable, no matter where I am. (See above: social anxiety) I’m always worried about something. I’m worried about the logistics of where I’m going. I’m worried about holding a conversation. I’m worried about what people are thinking of me and if they actually even want me at this event.

It’s exhausting. It’s so exhausting to be in my head.

So what’s the solution? How do I let go of the fears and the worries and the constant anxiety? How do I finally start living a YOLO-kinda life? How do I stop being afraid that I’m wasting my time?

Therapy would probably help.

But more than therapy (which I do admit I need, no doubt about that), I think it comes to truly accepting who I am. Which is hard, when the whole world is filled with extroverts. And yeah, sure, introverts are having their time right now. But truly? Extroverts still rule the world. And I don’t fit into that world.

I’m a girl who hates to be busy. I like quiet weekends with one or two (or zero, even) social engagements. I don’t have the mental stamina to stay out all night (and I never have; this isn’t a cutesy “oh, I’m just getting old! Tehehe.” No. I was this way at 20.) and I hoard my alone time like a fiend.

And the people in my life understand this about me. They get it. I’m not saying I have friends who think I’m weird for my need for alone time. Quite the opposite. But there’s still this… fear… that I’m not doing enough. That I’m letting myself off the hook. That I need to be more extroverted… even though I am 100% not an extrovert and I shouldn’t strive to be.

(And don’t even get me started about dating. Dating is a whole other version of hell when you’re shy, introverted, and socially anxious.)

I’ve definitely come out of my shell more in the past few years. I’ve made a close circle of girlfriends. I try to make plans on the weekends, even if it’s just one thing and the rest of my weekend is spent puttering around my apartment, writing and reading. But it’s still hard to look at other people’s lives and realize how different mine is. How less exciting, less courageous, less bold. I worry that I’m wasting my time.

When it comes down to it, though, I think we’re all scared that we’re not doing enough. Some of us may feel like we need to get out more, while others may feel like they don’t know how to relax and unwind. We all want our lives to mean something. We’re all afraid of wasting this precious time on Earth.

The truth is, we’re not wasting time or missing out or not living up to the “YOLO” standard. We’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got. We’re all trying to be the best versions of ourselves, and sometimes we fail at that and sometimes we succeed and that is the absolute beauty of life. That is the power of the human experience – failure and success and trying.

Let’s all keep trying.

Categories: About Me

A to Z Survey

It’s wedding weekend – ahh! I can’t believe my mom gets married tomorrow. It is going to be such a fun day (and I promise a full recap next week!) Since my mind can’t really focus on anything other than wedding preparations, I thought this survey that I saw on another blog would be a fun Friday post! Go ahead and steal it for your own blog – can’t wait to see your answers!

A. Age: 27

B. Biggest fear: Losing my mom

C. Current time: 9:23 p.m.

D. Drink you had last: Grape Gatorade

E. Easiest person to talk to: My mom

F. Favorite song: Right now, I love rocking out to “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten

G. Grossest memory: Oh, gosh, nothing surpasses the time I went to watch my brother’s soccer practice and afterward, he downed a lime-green Gatorade, which he promptly threw up in front of everyone. I’ve never been able to drink lime-green Gatorade since then.

H. Hometown: St. Petersburg, FL

I. In love with: This man!

J. Jealous of: People who got the chance to have a normal college experience

K. Kindest person you know: My soon-to-be roomie, Bri. She’s the kind of person who will drop everything and be there for you when you need her. I feel like the luckiest person in the world that she wants to live with me!

L. Longest relationship: Umm

M. Middle name: Marie

N. Number of siblings: Just one

O. One wish: For Dutch to feel better

P. Person you spoke to on the phone last: The receptionist at my eye doctor to give her my insurance information! Ha.

Q. Question you’re always asked: “How are you?” is the only one I can think of… I’m not asked any actual questions on such a frequent basis as to remember them.

R. Reason to smile: This squishy little baby

S. Song you last sang: “Put Your Records On” (such a fun song to sing along to!)

T. Time you woke up: 6:00 a.m.

U. Underwear color: Nude!

V. Vacation destination: Anywhere a cruise ship will take me

W. Worst habit: Biting the skin around my thumb. Nervous habit!

X. X-rays you’ve had: Numerous ones at the dentist, twice for my foot/ankle, and once for my thumb when I sliced it open and had to get it stitched (the ER doc wanted to make sure there wasn’t any more glass embedded inside the cut).

Y. Your favorite food: Subs from Publix. I’m addicted. I have 2-3 a week.

Z. Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

Who is the kindest person you know? What is one wish you have right now?

Categories: About Me

On Being a Good Girl

I was the kid who never needed a curfew. Who once grounded herself because she wanted to know what it felt like. Who never stepped foot in detention or a principal’s office. Who rarely talked back to her mom… and would feel intense amounts of guilt anytime she did.

My mom never once worried about where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. I was the quintessential good girl. I didn’t drink, I didn’t party, and I’ve never done drugs. I’ve never been grounded, and the only time I was ever in serious trouble (I can’t even remember the reason), my mom opted to take the computer and my books away from me. (IT WAS AWFUL, YOU GUYS. AWFUL. AWFUL. AWFUL.)

I’ve been thinking a lot about the plight of the good girl, lately. It’s part of my identity and there are times that I wear my good girl persona as a badge of honor and times when I wish I had been a little more badass, gotten myself into a little more trouble, had cooler stories to tell friends.

Being a good girl is something that has followed me into adulthood. I am a bona fide rule follower. My library books are never late. I only cross the street if the pedestrian signal is flashing. I pay my bills on time. I won’t even jaywalk!

I wonder a lot about how I ended up the way I did. Why didn’t I veer off onto a different path, especially considering my childhood. I’ve written about it a few times on the blog, so I don’t want to rehash all of that. My home life was messy. I didn’t have a normal childhood, which is what makes me wonder how I decided to veer on the straight and narrow, to harness the personality of a good girl, rather than something… else.

I think the easiest explanation is that I needed control. There was a lot about my childhood that felt out of control, so being a good girl was something I could have total control over. I could control my schooling and be the best student possible. I could control being the best child, to lessen the stress my mom was under, and to hopefully earn my dad’s love. And that’s what I did. I threw myself into schoolwork and I tried to be the very best daughter for my parents. That I could control.

And it worked out for me. It really did. I graduated from high school with honors. I paid my way through college, graduating with honors. I’ve held down two post-grad jobs, excelling in both. I’ve forged friendships with people who are similar to me – I don’t have time for people who are more concerned with drama or getting wasted on the weekends or any of that. I just don’t. It doesn’t appeal to me. And sure, maybe I could have had more interesting stories to tell if I’d been less of a good girl. My good girl persona extends to my dating life and how I am very selective about the type of people I choose to date, to which someone once told me, “That’s boring.” Yep. It is. And I am proud to be boring to some people. Bring on the boring.

Being a good girl is just who I am. I’m proud of that child who threw herself into school and being good, rather than boys and finding her worth in other people. I’m proud of the woman I have become – someone who appreciates who she is. Someone who has created a life she really loves. And, though I know rules are meant to be broken every now and then, it also doesn’t mean my story is any less interesting if they aren’t.

Categories: About Me

The 10 Question Meme

It’s no secret that I love listening to podcasts. I currently subscribe to 22 podcasts, and I’ve listed a few of my favorites in this post. I should probably write another version because I’ve added a ton of new podcasts to my feed since I wrote that post, many of which I love more than the ones listed there.

But I digress.

One of my favorite podcasts is The Art of Simple. It’s funny that I love this podcast so much since it’s a bit motherhood-centric and I generally don’t enjoy those types of podcasts (obviously, since I’m in a completely different stage of life/not sure I even want to have children). But there’s something about Tsh and the way she interviews her guests. It’s fun to listen to, and I’m always a bit giddy when she has a new podcast up. Whenever she has a new guest on the show, she asks them the below 10 questions. They’re simple and fun and designed for a quick reply. So when Amber and then Lisa both wrote a post detailing their answers to the 10 questions, I thought it would be fun to play along.

Here we go!

1. Twitter or Facebook?

This is difficult because I don’t use either very regularly anymore. In fact, I probably wouldn’t even have a Facebook if I didn’t use it for communicating with my book club girls! My favorite form of social media is Instagram these days, but if I had to choose between Twitter or Facebook, I’d pick Facebook since it keeps me in touch with friends and family. And I’d have to echo Amber’s thoughts that Twitter has a bit too much noise. (I even deleted about 150 people I was following, and it’s still a bit noisy!)

2. Morning person or night owl?

I’m more of a morning person than a night owl. I’d rather work out in the morning than at night, wake up early than stay up late, and I generally prefer daylight to nighttime.

3. How do you drink coffee?

Lots of ways! I love coffee as a frap (which is basically a dessert) or in latte form. If I’m drinking regular coffee, I take it with two creams and a dash of sugar.

4. It’s 9pm and you’ve got the house to yourself, what do you do?

Well, as a single gal, these nights are all too common. (And I love that!) Typically, I’ll take a hot bubble bath and then lay in bed to read!

5. What’s on your nightstand right now?

A lamp, an old-fashioned alarm clock, a coin jar, and the current book I’m reading.

6. What smell do you love?

Coffee. Freshly cut grass. Chocolate chip cookies baking. The ocean. Sheets straight from the dryer.

7. What smell do you hate?

Cinnamon. Cigarette smoke. Burned meat or fish.

8. Other than your current home, where would you most like to live?

No surprise here – Savannah, GA! I truly believe I will call that city home someday.

9. If you could only eat one nationality of food for the rest of your life, which one would it be?

That’s an easy one – Italian. Any other nationality of food I can take or leave (yes, this includes Mexican food. I really have to be in the mood for Mexican. I can go weeks without eating it and be just fine.), but this girl loves her pasta!

10. When you were six years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?

At that age, probably a veterinarian. I loved animals so much and thought being around them all the time would be so much fun. (I held onto this dream until I was 16 years old and took a college-level science course. That’s when I realized a science degree was not in the cards for me!)

Other than your current home, where would you live?