About Me – Page 29

Categories: About Me

Question and Answer

Happy Monday! I had a really wonderful weekend: made some great progress on my WIP with my writing partner on Friday night, went to the Strawberry Festival with my mom on Saturday, and met up with Lisa for an afternoon coffee date on Sunday. (She is just as wonderful as she appears on her blog and seriously, I love the friendships I have made from blogging! Some of my truest friends.)

So after all that, I didn’t have much energy to put together a post that had actual meat to it. I decided to pull this question-and-answer post I’ve been working on from my drafts and publish it. I first saw this on Save, Spend, Splurge’s blog and I liked the questions that were asked so I’m borrowing it from her. Feel free to play along on your own blog!

1) If you could change something about yourself, what would it be and why?

That’s an easy one: my weight. Ideally, I would like to be around 55 lbs lighter and I think it would help me so much with the way I feel about myself, both physically and mentally. I don’t like being fat. I don’t like the way it makes me feel or the way it holds me back from so much. I don’t have this magical expectation that my life will be problem-free and my self-esteem would skyrocket the moment I reach my goal weight, but I think attaining this goal would go a long way to helping me see how capable and strong I am.

2) What’s the farthest you’ve been from home?

That would be Toledo, Ohio. When I was nine, my family went on a road trip to Ohio where we visited a bunch of my dad’s old buddies, went paddle-boating in a lake, saw family we hadn’t ever met before, played some cutthroat games of Sorry!, and slept a few nights in an old trailer. It was an… interesting vacation. I wouldn’t say it was fun, though. (My parents fought the entire time and when you’re nine, visiting people you’ve never met is pretty boring.)

3) What is your motto?

“This moment counts.” I have a bad problem with looking too far in advance and not appreciating every little moment in my life. The little ones – like funny conversations with work friends or taking a long nap with my pup – and the big ones – like taking a cruise or achieving a big goal. It’s also a good reminder for me when it comes to losing weight or saving money. That this seemingly inconsequential moment counts. Saying no to sweets, packing my lunch, buying that shirt that I think I really, really want… all of it counts. These little moments count. They are the ones that add up to the big ones.

4) What are your hobbies?

Reading, blogging, writing, spending time with family and friends, cruising (ha), watching copious amounts of TV, sleeping.

5) What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

I would do bad things for Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream. You can also never, ever go wrong with chocolate chip cookie dough.

6) What two things could you not do when you were a child, but you can do now?

Make money of my own and buy a candy bar at the store, whenever I want to. (I mean, is that not the coolest perk ever of being a grown-up? IF I WANT A KIT-KAT BAR FOR BREAKFAST, I CAN EAT A KIT-KAT BAR FOR BREAKFAST!) (Okay, this may be why I struggle with my weight. Perhaps.)

7) If you could travel anywhere in the world – where would you go and why?

I think I would go to Hawaii. That’s one of my dream destinations, more than traveling over to Europe. I’m just an island type of girl! I love the way being in a tropical paradise makes me feel: loose, happy, and free. Just two weeks of fun, sun, and relaxation? Sign me up!

8) Have you ever met a famous person?

The most famous person I have met was Michael Pittman, who used to be a running back for the Tampa Bay Bucs. He had a fitness boot camp and my mom and I joined because of a cheap Groupon deal. It was actually a really great boot camp and I loved it, but then he moved away to California and it just wasn’t the same.

9) What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

Probably my shyness. I’m A-OK with being an introvert, but I wish I wasn’t so darn shy! I cannot make small talk to save my life and it takes me so long to warm up to people to feel comfortable enough to even talk to them about mundane things, like work or what I did last weekend.

10) One word that describes you?

Quiet. And raise your hand if you are also a quiet person by nature and have been asked countless times why you are so quiet. I really hate being asked that question. How do you even answer it?! I just… am. That’s my nature. There’s no exciting reason for it! The same reason other people are outgoing and talkative.

11) If you were a crayon, what color would you be and why?

Turquoise!

12) What is the weather like right now where you are?

Bee-yoo-tee-ful! It’s in the 60s in the mornings and evenings and then warms up to the upper 70s in the afternoon. I can’t even tell you how much I love this weather! We’re having a few cold, dreary days here and there, but mainly? It’s just gorgeous.

13) How tall are you?

I am five-two. Shorty McShorterson!

14) When you were little – what did you want to be “when you grew up?”

I always told people two things – either a veterinarian or an author (never a writer – it was always “author”). I have always been an animal lover, so I thought being a vet would be a logical choice (though I didn’t know how I would deal with the hard parts of being a vet – dealing with sickness and death). The author dream is something that has never left my heart. Someday!

15) Toilet paper. Roll with paper coming off the top or the bottom?

I guess the top? I don’t really pay that much attention, nor do I particularly care that much. Like, it’s toilet paper. Some people are seriously passionate about the way their toilet paper lays but for me? I have bigger things to worry about.

16) Favorite sport you like to watch or participate in?

My favorite sport to watch is football. And my favorite sport to participate in is… um… nothing? Is that a bad answer? I’m really not much of a sporty girl!

17) What kind of food do you prefer eating when you are out?

Italian is usually a good go-to!

18) Last movie you watched?

Oh, goodness. I think it might have been Love Actually! I watched that on New Year’s Eve, ha. I am not a huge movie watcher, apparently.

19) Would you like to be famous?

Nope. I would like to be a successful published novelist, yes, but as for fame where I couldn’t go out in public without being harassed? Not for me.

20) What book are you reading?

Right now, I am reading Then Came You by Jennifer Weiner. I like it so far!

21) If you have $5 million to spend in 5 days, but with the clause you could not spend any of it on yourself or your family, what would you do with it?

I think it would be neat to support lesser-known charities and causes. Like people who run dog rescues. I have a friend who runs one and they rely so much on support from other people, like vets. It’s a very hard, thankless job that you do not for anything but pure love of animals.

22) If you knew that you could try any kind of work/employment and that you would not fail, what would you attempt doing?

I would quit my job to turn my attention to full-time novel writing. Oh, what a dream!

Where is the farthest from home you have traveled? Have you ever met a famous person? What is one word you would use to describe yourself?

Categories: About Me

On Being a Socially Anxious Introvert

I spent a lot of my younger years hating the fact that I was shy, that social situations intimidated me, and that I generally enjoyed being home by myself more than out with other people.

My mom and my brother are the same way. We are all shy and quiet and introverted, homebodies to our core. My dad, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. He is loud and brash and extroverted and can make friends with just about anyone. He’s friendly and outgoing; I am not. It drove him crazy that he fathered two introverted kids who were quiet and shy.

And because of that, I spent a lot of time wishing I was more outgoing and making friends came easy to me. I wanted new situations and being around people to feel exciting, not intimidating. Extroverts tend to rule the world, probably because they’re just more outspoken and their personalities seem to shine a bit brighter than that of introverts. Introverts are happy working behind the scenes, while extroverts want the starring role.

I wanted to be a star. I wanted to exude confidence and friendliness and openness. I wanted to be that girl who had no problem making friends, who could easily chat it up with a stranger on the street, who could enter new situations feeling curious and excited, not terrified and overwhelmed. And I hated, hated, hated that I was not that girl. But more than that, I think, deep down, I always knew I wasn’t meant to be that girl. That wasn’t my calling in life, that’s not the person God created me to be.

And then I discovered what being an introvert really means. For my entire life, I had drawn the distinction that introverts are shy and extroverts are outgoing when that’s actually not what it means to be an introvert at all. (Or an extrovert, for that matter. Shy extroverts do exist!) Introversion and extroversion depends on where you draw your energy from. For me, being around people can be overstimulating, overwhelming, and ultimately draining. It is only when I am alone that I can recharge my batteries and start to feel more like myself. That’s when I can restore my energy.

Truth be told, I actually really hate when I have more than one social engagement on a weekend. For me, if I have more than one social event happening on a weekend (and forget about weekdays – I hold those sacred and plan-free unless absolutely necessary), I feel overwhelmed. More than anything, I love quiet weekends where I have little to no plans. I will never be the girl with the full social calendar and I am A-OK with that. I’ve never needed to be social all the time (or even most of the time), and I’m learning to harness that knowledge and be okay with it.

So there’s one side of the coin: introversion. And I love that I’m an introvert. I love being a homebody, being quiet, being alone. There’s so much power in understanding yourself and learning to accept yourself for who you are and what you need.

And then there is the other side of the coin: social anxiety. I’ve never been formally diagnosed with social anxiety, but I can relate to many of the common symptoms of this disorder. So if I don’t have social anxiety, I have a very high level of shyness. Both social anxiety and shyness are largely ego-driven and come from the fear of being in unknown social situations and worrying about what other people will think of you. Being in new social situations can be extremely terrifying for me. I get stomachaches, headaches, and so much anxiety racing through my body that it makes me shiver (my teeth will actually chatter when I’m deep in fear mode).

The amount of anxiety I had when I started my current job almost brought me to my knees. It was the most intense anxiety I have ever had. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop my racing thoughts, couldn’t see past the unknown. I was so worried about my new coworkers and what they would think of me. I distinctly remember my second day of work, where I brought a frozen meal to heat up for lunch. It took so much courage for me to get up from my desk, walk to the break room, heat up my lunch, and take it back to my desk. Just the simple fact of knowing I would go into that unknown area of my new office where my coworkers would be chit-chatting with one another to heat up my lunch made my palms sweat, my teeth chatter, and my heart race. For most people, this is no big thing and, in hindsight, I feel silly acknowledging how difficult it was, but for me, it was a moment of celebration. This simple act took so much courage and, because of it, I was able to build on it and grow more and more comfortable at my new place of work.

My shyness is largely due to my low self-esteem and insecurity. I’m so concerned about what others might think of me that it turns me into someone who would rather keep to herself than try to engage people in conversation. It’s why I’m always the quietest one in a group of people (even when surrounded by friends I know well) and why I hate, more than anything, having attention on myself. It’s like there’s this bubble that forms when the attention is on me and all I can hear is the rushing sound of my anxiety racing through my ears. Everything else is muted, my whole body starts heating up, and forming words is nearly impossible. Everything seems to happen at warp speed and I don’t have enough time to keep up. My mind is five minutes behind while everyone else is operating in the present.

And that’s why most people who know me in real life don’t really know me. Because I can write 1,000 words on being a shy introvert and what it actually feels like to be one, but speaking about it is almost impossible for me, without stumbling over my words, forgetting phrases, and feeling completely overwhelmed by the attention. I guess that’s why I love writing so much. Because it is only through my words that I can freely be me. I can be honestly, authentically myself and get these words out of my head.

So while I would love to be a more outgoing, friendlier version of myself, I’m acknowledging and accepting my shy, quiet introverted nature. It’s freeing when you hone in on the truest parts of your authentic self, when you find your truth and learn how to live in it. I wasn’t made to be loud and brash and extroverted. I was made for the behind-the-scenes, I was made for quiet and calm and peace. That’s who I am, I’m accepting it, and I’m going to live in this truth with joy.

Categories: About Me

NaNoWriMo13: Failure and Acceptance

I didn’t win NaNoWriMo this year. After all my months of preparation, all my excitement at getting started, and all my certainty that this was the novel I was meant to write, I called it quits at the halfway point.

I’m sure I could have finished it, but things just started falling apart for me around ten days in. The story I carefully outlined wasn’t coming alive on paper as it did in my head. The doubts crowded into my brain, shouting at me and gleefully laughing every time I had a bad writing day. The story felt too technical at the beginning and I was missing some key background and research to make it stronger. The girl I so lovingly created felt snobby and rude and not at all the person I wanted her to be.

And it wasn’t just the process of writing that got to me, it was having the time. I know, I know, I know. You make the time. If I can make the time to read 10 books on average each month, I can make the time to sit down and write for an hour every day. Yet it was harder than I anticipated. It’s hard when you’ve spent over 8 hours of your day doing SEO content creation to go home and sit in front of the computer to bang out another thousand words. It’s hard when my nights are so short as it is, and I just wanted a few hours to myself, where I could zone out in front of the TV or with a book. It just wasn’t working for me. I came to terms with the fact that writing on a weekday isn’t possible. Well, okay, it’s possible, but I don’t want to do it. The work for which I get paid (nicely, may I add), comes first. I have to meet deadlines and I’m still in the stages of proving I can handle this job and all the writing it entails. That will always come first. My fiction novel follows a little farther down the totem poll.

I think there’s also this weirdness about putting so much work and effort and time into a project that may never earn me money. I may write novels, but never be a successful novelist. (Successful, in my eyes, is being able to be a full-time novelist and not have to work dozens of side jobs to pay rent.) It’s the way of writers, though. It’s the way of anyone going forth with creative pursuits. Artists and photographers and designers. We all put so much work into our craft because we have to. It’s essential to us. A world where I’m not crafting a fiction novel, either in my head or on paper, is a world I don’t want to experience. I love these stories I have buzzing around in my brain. I love thinking of characters and imagining plots and seeing some little thing when I’m out and about, and finding a way to put that in my novel. I love the entire process of writing, but loving something doesn’t mean your dreams will come true. Heck, even working hard at something you love doesn’t mean your dreams will come true.

NaNoWriMo 2013 wasn’t in the cards for me this year. I think I found it easier last year because I wasn’t focused on making a great novel. I just wanted to write. I wanted to just get 50,000 words on paper, no matter how awful or goofy they sounded. This year, I was more concerned with writing something I could be proud of. I wanted this novel to be one that changed the game for me. It wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t my time.

I want my writing time to mean something. I can write 1,500 words in one hour and every single word can be utter and complete shit. Or I can spend an hour and write 500 words that mean something. That propels the story further. That opens my character up to the reader. That showcases the problem in an authentic way. I will always be a fan of NaNoWriMo, but perhaps it’s just not my path to take. Perhaps writing a novel in one month isn’t where I should be focusing my energy.

This weekend, I took two hours to sit down at my computer and start plotting out a new novel. The one that I truly wanted to write. The one that has been on my heart for years, but I’ve been too scared to really let myself sit down with it because I didn’t know if I could write it in the way I want to write it. It was two hours of just settling in, listening to my voice, and slowly making progress. If all I can dedicate my time to is two hours a week to writing, then that’s all I have time for. I want to write my novel, but I also know there is no timeline for when I need to finish it. I can take my time, research it fully, and get to know myself as a writer better. I know the saying is “Done is better than perfect” but sometimes, done slowly is better than done frantically.

I let fears cloud my vision too often, and I question myself constantly if I can really do this. Can I really write a satisfying full novel that makes people excited? I’m not sure. But I know I have to at least try.

Categories: About Me

On Twenty-Five

Oh, twenty-five.

I will always remember twenty-five.

Twenty-five was the year I quit a job I hated to start my writing career.

Twenty-five was the year I understood the power of girlfriends and finding your tribe.

Twenty-five was the year I started owning the person I am. The girl who covets early bedtimes, fiercely protects her alone time, and doesn’t apologize for her insane love of reading and cruises and dachshunds.

Twenty-five was the year I parasailed in Grand Cayman and ran around the streets of Cozumel in a pseudo-Amazing Race, interacting with locals and getting an authentic Mexican experience.

Twenty-five was the year I bought my first car and started standing on my own two feet, financially.

Twenty-five was the year I met a really great guy and laid my heart on the line for him. It was also the year I experienced a broken heart and still imagine what could have been.

Twenty-five was the year I began accepting the fact that my mom found love and accepting his place in our family.

Twenty-five was the year I didn’t lose the weight, didn’t get that tattoo, didn’t write that novel, didn’t get out of debt… but it was still a beautiful, crazy, wonderful year.

I enjoyed this past year so much. I learned so much over the past twelve months, about myself, about what I want from my life, about where I see my life going. I’m at this place in my life, now 26, and realizing it’s not turning out the way I envisioned it would, but that doesn’t make it any less amazing. A birthday always makes me nostalgic, and the fact that my birthday falls during a time when I’m already looking back upon my year and making plans for what I want to happen in the coming one makes me very introspective.

Plus, I’m participating in the Holiday Council again – so I am definitely in full-on soul-seeking, goal-setting, dream-envisioning mode!

And so, I’d like to talk about a few lessons I learned in my 25th year*, as well as my hopes for 26.

Lessons Learned at 25

1. Nobody deserves to be stuck in a crappy job.

My last job was awful. While I had wonderful coworkers, they were the only reason I stuck around for as long as I did. I had a terrible boss (different from my immediate one, who was amazing in all sorts of ways) who was condescending, forgetful, and made me cry more than once. The work environment was volatile and I am just so glad I was able to find my way out of that job… and into a job that is a billion times better. I am so happy at my new company. The lesson to be learned, if you are unhappy with where you are working, do your damnedest to get out of it. It took me a year to find this job so it may take a while, but find your way out. It can be done.

2. You will never regret laying your heart on the line.

I find it easy to be vulnerable and open on my blog, but it is incredibly hard for me to do so in real life. It’s hard to talk about my feelings out loud. But this year, I did this in a big way and sure, it didn’t work out and I still wonder if I came on too strong, but honestly? I am so proud of myself for stepping up and opening myself up, even when my heart was pounding through my chest and I wanted to throw up. The lesson to be learned, even when things don’t work out and possibly explode in front of your face, laying your heart on the line and being vulnerable to another person is so worth it.

3. You need girlfriends to get through life.

I’ve gone through the majority of my life without setting down roots with close girlfriends. I think it partly comes from not having good, supportive friends growing up so it was just easier to not put effort into making friends. It felt safer. But this year has shown me how amazing it is to have supportive girlfriends who want to help you through life. They make you feel good when you’re around them. They can laugh with you and understand your awkwardness and they don’t make you feel bad about yourself. I’ve made wonderful girlfriends locally, and have strengthened the bonds I’ve made through friends I met through blogging. You all mean so much to me and have helped me through so much. The lesson to be learned is that finding the girlfriends who get you is possible. I didn’t think it was, and sure, some of those friends are located hundreds of miles away, but distance doesn’t matter when it comes to finding your tribe.

My Hopes for 26

1. I want to be healthy.

We’re not going to talk about how this is my major goal every year, but here it is again. I want this year to be the year I really cultivate healthy habits – from the way I eat to the way I move to my emotional well-being. I found a picture of me from when I was at my thinnest and it just motivated me so much to get back there. I want to be happy when I look in the mirror. I want to be proud of my reflection. I don’t want to feel the way I feel anymore. It doesn’t feel good.

2. I want to strengthen my connections.

While I worked hard to strengthen the friendships around me this past year, I want to do better in the upcoming year. I still have a tendency to draw inward and to protect myself by not putting myself out there. And sometimes, I’m just lazy and I don’t feel like going out, even when I need to. In this next year, I want to work harder at being social and saying yes, even when I want to say no.

3. I want to be a better money manager.

I want to get myself out of credit card debt, start working towards getting my student loans paid off, and finally move out on my own. All three things are capable of happening, as long as I am smart about managing my money. I’ve never been great at my finances, it’s a point of contention for me, but I really want to be at the right place where I can move out and be on my own (my biggest goal for this upcoming year!). It won’t be fun or easy, but it is completely doable.

Twenty-five was a great year for me. So many good things happened and as long as I put in the time and effort, I know I can make twenty-six even better.

What is one life lesson you’ve learned over the past year?

*Yes, yes, yes. I know this past year was actually my 26th year. But I’m still calling it my 25th year because this is my blog and I can do what I want. SO. THERE.

Categories: About Me

Four Days

November is my favorite month for many reasons. It’s my birthday month and holds my very favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. It also feels like the kick-off to the holiday season, which is the best time of year. And November is the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). Last year, I “won” by writing 50,000 words in less than 30 days and I’m aiming to do the same this year.

I’ve been doing a lot of things differently this time around. Last year, I had a minor freak out the day before NaNoWriMo started and decided to completely change my story. I really wasn’t feeling motivated or inspired by the novel I had been planning on writing, so on October 31st, I hurriedly wrote a short blurb for a story I’d been planning in my head for many years. I didn’t have my characters nailed down and I didn’t have any sort of plot written out. I didn’t really know what I wanted my main character to learn. I didn’t know what her goals were, her motivations, or what was standing in her way. I didn’t know why I was writing this book.

But still, I wrote. I wrote over 2,000 words every day and managed to turn in a messy first draft of the book. I finished the book, and I got it all down, but it wasn’t very good.

And more than that, I didn’t enjoy that process. It felt very chaotic. I let things happen to my character that messed up the flow of my plot. I let my character do things that weren’t authentic or real. But it was a good experience. It helped me to understand the plot better and what writing a book is like. It helped me to see that I love the writing process, that these stories are in my head for a reason and I need to bring them to life.

So I am entering NaNoWriMo 2013 in a completely different state. The story I am writing is one that I am hoping to turn into a four-book series if all goes according to plan. I wrote the overview of the books over the summer and spent the past few months writing detailed character analyses on my two main characters, reading up on how to write plot, and then this whole weekend I spent hours crafting the perfect plot. I learned about the fateful GMC (goals, motivation, conflict), something my other book didn’t have, and I spent two hours working through prompts to figure them out and how to work my plot around them. And then I spent hours writing down the plot. Scene by scene, making sure it moved along at the right pace and that it led up, authentically, to the climax and resulting resolution.

It was hard work. I had a few minor freakouts that my plot was horrible and I couldn’t go anywhere with this book but, usually, if I stepped away from it for a little while, I could come back with a fresh mind and a new idea of how to make it work. And there were times it felt overwhelming, but mostly? Mostly, it was really, really fun. It was fun to write this plot down, to figure out how to get my character out of the messes she created for herself, and how to make things happen for her.

And now I’m here. Four days until NaNoWriMo begins and I get to write this story. While I could get started early (since my finished product will be around 70,000 words, give or take), I’m going to wait until Friday to start writing.

My whole being has been consumed by this story for the past three days. I want this to be The Book, the one I revise and edit and pursue for publishing. And I really believe in this book. I believe it can be a publishable book. It’s a contemporary romance novel, but there’s an element to it that elevates it to another level and adds depth to the plot. It’s one of those feel-good romances that I hope people will finish and feel all gooey and swoony and in love with love. I want people to finish my book and be sad that they finished it because the characters meant that much to them.

So the journey begins in four days. And I am so ready for it.