Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

This is Good Enough

Warning: I am about to get transparent about my faith and the struggles I’ve been having lately. Totally stripped, totally vulnerable. If it’s not your thing, carry on. I’ll be back on Friday with a less intense post. But I had a breakthrough with my faith and I felt the need to share.

It’s easy to believe in the lie that we are the only ones going through whatever trial we are going through. We believe nobody else has ever felt this way, or thought that thought, or felt that whisper of anxiety rush through our body. We are the only ones. We are alone. There is nobody that will understand us and fear of judgmental words and snarky feedback keeps us from fully expressing how we feel.

For a long time, I believed in the lie that I was the only Christian who ever messed up. Who ever back slid. Who ever stopped going to church or reading her Bible or praying.

I just wasn’t good at this Christian thing! I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t cut out for traveling the narrow path and denying the self and taking up my cross and all other sorts of Christianese phrases.

I mentioned before that I haven’t been regularly attending church for well over a year now. It’s probably even been more than that. (And yes, I understand that going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than parking your car in a garage makes you a car… or however the analogy goes.) I can’t remember the last time I had dedicated, consistent quiet time – time alone with my Bible, my journal, my prayers, and my God. I only send out prayers when I need something or I’m praying for a friend and they’re these quick chats that barely last a minute or two. And let’s not even get into all the messy part of not following Jesus… things of the sinful nature, of the flesh, of doing things I know are morally not what I want or believe in but I continue to do because the world is shouting at me that it’s cool, or okay, or marking something as sinful is stupid. YOLO, right?

So I started believing this lie that I’m the only Christian who has ever stumbled. I mean, there are Bible verses that state if you have truly given your heart to God and trust in Him, sin shouldn’t even be a part of your vocabulary. I think. I’m actually terrible at Bible verse recall. (I mean, if I’m going to be laying it all out there, I might as well admit that as a girl who grew up in church, I know startlingly little about the Bible.) (Obviously, I get the Big Parts, like Abraham and Noah and Moses and David and the disciples and all that jazz.)

What I’m trying to say is that I’ve had this belief that if you’re saved, you shouldn’t ever doubt. Or sin. Or even think about living for the world. You should be YAY JESUS all the time and nothing can ever come between you and Him. Even though I read blog posts of Christians being completely transparent about how tough the Christian life is, read books about it, listen to songs about it. It’s everywhere! Yet I’ve been struggling with this image of being the Perfect Christian and the Perfect Christian does not stumble or doubt, she never struggles with sin. Now that she’s following Jesus, she isn’t even tempted by what the world wants. It’s Jesus 24/7 for her!

It’s just not that easy. Life is messy and chaotic and wonderful and beautiful. It’s full of ups and downs and twisty turns and complete stops. It’s heartache and happyache, tragedy and celebration. Lately, my faith has felt incredibly brittle. It’s felt like this part of me that was once there and now isn’t and I’m not even sure what I want from it anymore. Definitely not the faith I’ve had for the majority of my life.

Maybe it’s the theory of not feeling good enough. Not understanding this love Christ gives to me and it’s so foreign to me, so ridiculous, that I do everything in my power to prove to Him that His grace is wasted on me. I need too much grace. There’s got to be a limit on this stuff, right? I have to be running low on grace. I come back to Him and it still feels way too good to be true so I start testing this grace stuff out, waiting for the moment when He decides I’m a lost cause and to try and save some other girl. A girl who is more worthy of His love, who tries harder and does better and is probably prettier and skinnier, too.

I don’t want to be the messed-up Christian. I don’t want to be the girl who can never seem to get it right, who doubts, who cusses like a sailor, who is more concerned about living in a way that will make the world happy than a way that will make her God happy.

Because the thing about God is that He sees our potential. He knows where we can go. He understands our imperfections and our faults and why we backslide. He is perfect love. He places no conditions on us, no limits. It’s just there. Full, beating, bursting. For us. When we’re ready. When we need our hundredth helping of grace. When we realize the only way to make it through another day is to grasp tightly to Him and trust He will carry us through.

And all He asks of us? Love. Love yourself, love your neighbor, love your enemies. Love your friends, love your family. Love the broken, the hurting, the helpless, the weak. Love the ones who we think don’t deserve it, love that person who wronged you, love that person you wronged.

It’s not about doing things perfectly. It’s not about perfect church attendance or sending out the perfect prayers five times a day. Just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean I’m a bad Christian, or that I’m an impostor of my faith. It just means I am human. It means I’m normal.

And when I stop placing limits on my faith and what it means to be a Christian… when I take God out of the box I self-righteously put Him in, thinking there is no way He could really be who He says He is… magic happens. I realize what faith is all about. It’s not about works. It’s about love. It’s not about perfection, it’s about imperfect, messy, beautiful love for Jesus. Following Jesus was never meant to be easy. Read any book of the Bible and it’s easy to see that faith is hard and it’s complicated. There is no done, there is no finished, until we meet Him. Stumbling is all part of the journey. Stumbling is an incredible opportunity for growth.

I’m not a bad Christian. I’m not a good Christian. I am just someone who loves Jesus and wants to show that love. I want to learn more about God and I want to be better at attending church and reading my Bible and praying, but I also understand that’s just one part of this faith. There’s also a bigger part and that’s trusting God and loving His people. That’s the part we get tripped up on. We get so caught up in the legalities of religion and forget the whole relationship part. We forget that God is love. He isn’t harsh words, or judgments, or picket signs outside of abortion centers. He’s the one listening to that girl who is scared to death about the thought of having a baby alone, He’s the one holding her, He’s the one showing her she is so much more than she imagines. He’s not the one yelling at her that she’s a murderer. He’s the one giving her love and grace and compassion and kindness. That’s the image of God we need to have.

This faith… it’s not about works. Or perfection. As one of my favorite authors, Mike Yaconelli writes: faith “is complex, complicated, and perplexing – the disorderly, sloppy, chaotic look of authentic faith in the real world.” My faith is sloppy. It is chaotic and disorderly and complex and perplexing and complicated. It is ALL OF THE ABOVE. And yet. And yet God still wants this girl. God still has major plans for this girl. And I want to be holding His hand throughout my journey, trusting His voice to guide me.

I’ll probably always stumble and struggle and sin and falter. It’s human nature. It’s what we do. Nobody is perfect. But just as God is intent on giving me helping after helping of grace, I’m going to extend it to myself. Grace. To be imperfect. To be messy. And to know this journey will be bumpy, but so well worth the ride.

Categories: About Me

Project 333: Six Weeks In

project333

I am currently halfway through Project 333 and the challenge has been going so well for me so far. I’ve really loved having a  more minimalistic wardrobe and what this challenge is helping me with is defining my individual style. Fashion has never been something I’ve had much interest in. I love and loathe shopping and to be completely honest, shopping isn’t fun when you’re overweight and unhappy with what you look like. Most times I go shopping, I leave the fitting room with my stomach in knots and feeling upset because everything I tried on didn’t feel good on me.

I want to feel good in what I’m wearing and I know I have a ways to go before I can look in the mirror and be proud of my body. This post isn’t about body image, though. It’s about Project 333 and how I feel halfway into the challenge. The truth is, I need to begin to hone my style and find clothes that make me feel good now. Not thirty or forty or fifty pounds later. So this challenge is two-fold: to first, start minimalizing my wardrobe and getting rid of clothes I have no need for and don’t make me feel great; and secondly, to begin to cultivate my own personal style.

While I wouldn’t say I’m unfashionable, I also rely on comfort over style most of the time. And since my work is super casual (like, wear-yoga-pants-to-work casual), developing my own personal style hasn’t been something I’ve made a priority. I get overwhelmed at the prospect of buying more clothes when my closet was already full, and again, it’s hard to find clothes shopping fun when you’re uncomfortable with your body and feel anxiety every time you step into a fitting room.

So how has Project 333 been for me so far? Have I begun honing my personal style through this process? I thought it would be easiest to do this in Q&A form, with questions I think some people might have…

Are you bored with your options?

Yes and no. There are some days when I look at my tiny selection of clothes and I feel so bored with what I have. I can usually go about 3 weeks before I have to repeat clothes. Usually, I love the simpler selections and the fact that I don’t have a lot of options so deciding what to wear is a breeze.

Do you miss shopping for clothes?

Not really. I never enjoyed shopping that much before and it doesn’t bother me much now. I’ve been to Target numerous times and I’ve never even ventured into the clothing section, and twice I’ve gone to Ross with coworkers and walked out with nothing in my hands. When I need to be strict about spending, I can be strict with myself. I’m sure I’ll want to buy a few new things once the challenge is over, but right now, I’m doing just fine without buying clothes.

Will you continue with a 33-item wardrobe after the challenge?

I don’t think so. I think I will continue to have a minimalist wardrobe and adopt the “one-in-one-out” rule of giving away an item of clothing when I buy something new but sticking to just 33 items total for all clothing, accessories, and shoes is very strict so I will probably allow myself a bigger selection, but no more than 50 total items.

As far as developing my personal style goes, I am slowly figuring out what that is. I know I will always choose comfort over fashion, discount stores over the mall. I like dark colors and stripes and shirts that fit loosely (but not too loosely). Empire waist is not my friend, and dresses should be fitted (but not too fitted). I need a great pair of dark-washed jeans and a pair of black slacks that fit me comfortably (I have yet to find these, as being short and chubby makes everything difficult). If I can get away with never wearing high heels again, I am going to do so. I love t-shirts, hate tank tops, and will avoid wearing shorts as much as I can. I’m more preppy than bold, more casual than chic.

I’m eating up Jess Lively’s “How to Build an Intentional Wardrobe” posts like candy and have begun the (slow) process of creating a vision of the type of wardrobe I love. (On Pinterest, no less. Here’s my board. It’s pitiful right now.)

What Project 333 has taught me is that I’m ready to start developing my style and that I don’t need a huge wardrobe to do so. I can have a minimalist wardrobe but still have a style that is completely me and feels good. I know how I dress has a direct effect on how I feel. I think it’s important not to get too caught up in our looks, but I also think it’s perfectly fine to take pride in our appearance and care about how we dress.

So the first six weeks of Project 333 have gone extremely well, and I look forward to what else I learn about my wardrobe and personal style in these next six weeks!

How important is your personal style to you?

Categories: About Me

Writing Is Work

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I came to the realization a few weeks ago that I’ve been treating writing as a hobby.

A hobby, as defined by the dictionary, is “an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation.”

Oh.

Writing is something I pursue for pleasure. I wouldn’t have a blog if not! It’s something I love doing. It’s something that fulfills me. It doesn’t exactly relax me, but it is something like therapy for me. I feel the most honest when I’m writing. This is where I can say everything on my mind and it doesn’t get jumbled. It doesn’t feel forced or fake or overwhelming. When I’m writing, I am at my happiest.

It’s the second part of that definition that struck me: pursued for pleasure… not as a main occupation.

I wrote a few months ago about how I want to make a living from my writing – either as a published novelist or a full-time freelancer or both. Somehow and in some way, I am going to quit the 9-to-5 world to make writing my day job. It’s not going to happen suddenly and it’s not going to happen without hard work.

I read a post awhile back where the author questioned if she would actually enjoy full-time writing; if making it work, would it become less of something she enjoyed? And I completely understood her point and it made me take a step back and decide for myself: do I want writing to become work for me? Would full-time writing simply burn me out and make me less excited about writing?

I’m not sure. I can’t say yes and I can’t say no until I try it out for myself. All I know is that when I wrote for NaNoWriMo in November, where I was writing around 2,400 words a day as well as maintaining three posts a week on my blog, all I wanted to do was write more. Every day, I was excited to come back to my computer and continue my story or write a blog post or send a long email to a friend. I was so in love with the writing life!

I want to pursue this dream of mine. I have let so many dreams crash and burn because I didn’t put the effort and discipline into achieving them. I made the decision to make writing more than a hobby for me. It’s become something to do if I get around to it. Blog posts are put together sloppily with little thought, guest posts are submitted at the last minute, and that freelancing career I need to get started on? I haven’t even started it. Not even a little bit.

From this moment forward (well, actually from the moment I decided on this which was last Friday), I’m treating writing as my side job. It is my second job, my other occupation. I’m not making money from it (yet), but it is still just as important to me as my regular full-time job. (Well, with a little more flexibility.) I need to put time, effort, and maybe even some money into carving out a creative writing life.

It means waking up on Saturday and spending hours at Starbucks to write. It means more thoughtful and meaningful blog posts, where I spend time editing and proofreading. It means taking my guest posts more seriously and sticking to the deadlines I set. It means reaching out to other bloggers and pitching ideas to post on their blogs to continue my guest posting goal. It means signing up for freelancing websites and scouring the web for different places to submit my writing, even if it gets rejected. It means signing up for e-courses on copywriting, online marketing, and publishing. (And possibly crying every time I find a kick-ass e-course on Media Bistro and then seeing the price tag.) It means actually writing fiction and not just daydreaming about it. Doing research.

Ever since I graduated from college, I’ve spent my weekends doing things for myself. Sleeping in, lazing around, reading, shopping, lunches out, pedicures, and adventures to Orlando. It’s been nice. After spending all of my life in school where weekends meant my one time to catch up on homework and studying, I let myself go for a little while. I didn’t want to spend my weekends doing any kind of work. And once I accepted my full-time position, it was even more of a release for me to have the downtime I craved.

But it’s time to get back to work. 

If I want to one day quit my full-time job to make a living from my writing, I have to start putting in the work now. I’m not going to have people clamoring for my writing if I’m not hustling to get my work read now. I don’t want writing to be a hobby for me. I want it to be work. I know this isn’t a sentiment some people share and that’s okay. For me, I need to look at it as work so then I’ll be forced to treat it more seriously. Stop letting laziness and my fear of not being good enough hold me back from what I’m meant to be doing.

I know I write better at home than in a coffee shop, but I’m more focused on finding freelance work and replying to emails in a busy setting. I know I write my best in the afternoon, and I need to take breaks between writing sessions to give my mind a break. I know I am easily distracted and need complete silence when I’m writing.

And I also know this: I was born to write. My life would be empty if I didn’t have somewhere to flesh out my thoughts and writing is where I feel completely at peace with myself. It may take a long time for me to get to a place where I am making a living from my writing, but this has always been my dream. Even when I was a little girl, all I could imagine myself doing was writing.

Writing is ingrained so deep into my bones, it is so essentially who I am, that without it… I am lost.

So while I still intend on filling my weekends up with much-needed downtime (and pool days because summer!), I also intend on becoming more serious and dedicated about pursuing a writing life.

Categories: About Me

Some Things You Should Know About Me

I use Bath & Body Works pocket hand sanitizers religiously.

My first big vacation was a trip to Ohio when I was 10. My dad, my mom, my brother, and I packed up the car and drove 14 hours straight from Florida to Ohio. The entire trip was spent visiting my dad’s old high school buddies so it was a really, really boring vacation.

I love working in a casual office environment. I wear jeans and TOMs most days and sometimes, I even just pull on yoga pants and a t-shirt.

I will always choose a cheesy romance novel over a literary great.

Even though they tend to be more expensive and tourist-y, I always choose excursions that the cruise line provides. I feel safer that way!

My favorite amusement park is Sea World.

I’ve become more and more curious and drawn to vegetarianism lately. As much as I loathed the book Skinny Bitch, the chapter on how meat is produced was really eye-opening for me.

Sometimes, I think I would thrive so much better in a work-from-home position, but I also know it’s good for me to be in an office, surrounded by people. It forces me to be more social and outgoing than I normally would be.

I hold 95% of my sneezes in. This can’t be good, but I just really, really hate sneezing.

I don’t understand people who don’t love Blake Shelton. He’s my favorite coach on The Voice!

I wish I could write about some of the things that happen at my job but honestly, I’m not sure anyone would believe certain things actually happen. 

For Christmas, my mom bought Dutch a placemat for his food. It’s shaped like a bone, cloth, and sprinkled with dachshunds dressed in sweatshirts. And every day, my mom would come home from lunch to find his food bowl and water bowl tipped over and off the placemat. Apparently, he wasn’t a fan of the placemat! Grumpy old man.

Once, I tweeted about bad service at Publix. I never, ever get bad service at Publix so it was an anomaly but I was really annoyed so I tweeted it out of annoyance. Well, the manager at that Publix reached out to me to express his apologies and now, whenever I go to Publix, he goes out of his way to say hi to me and make sure everything is okay with my visit. It’s like I’m a celebrity!

I’m currently growing out my blonde hair. The last time I got my hair colored was at the beginning of January so my roots are coming in. Luckily, my natural color is just a few shades darker than my blonde so it doesn’t look terrible (since I hate the ombre look, personally). I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it once the blonde does grow out, but going back to brunette is one of my 30 at 30 goals so who knows?!

I knew my boss and I were going to get along great when, during my interview, she showed me her office and her filing system – which is color-coded. We are kindred spirits when it comes to organization and it makes us work so efficiently.

Speaking of my boss, I couldn’t ask for a better mentor. She’s helped me to grow and learn so much in the past 18 months I’ve worked at this job. We also have the same type of humor, which works out well. We spend most of our days laughing!

I’m really, really happy I joined my book club. It was terrifying to go to the first meeting where I didn’t know anyone, but I’m so glad I just went for it because I love it a lot!

I still need to try out some other Meet-Up groups, though. I’m still letting the fear get the best of me.

I still buy CDs. In the last month, I bought the Nashville soundtrack and fun.’s CD. Both are incredible!

I just finished The Happiness Project and I now have so many THOUGHTS and FEELINGS about this book. I’m really glad I read it – and now, of course, I’m itching to take on a happiness project of my own.

What’s something about you I should know?

Categories: About Me

Changing My Story

I spend a lot of time dreaming and scheming about the life I want to live. I make lists and plans and goals. I can envision what I want and the steps I need to take to get there.

But then I stumble.

And I question myself.

And I stumble again.

And I stop believing I can be powerful enough, brave enough, smart enough to achieve these goals. I stop believing in my willpower and focus on all the ways I’ve failed in the past. I tell myself, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”

I can’t lose weight because I’m addicted to sugar and fatty foods.

I can’t run that half-marathon because I can’t even run half a mile without stopping and it just plain hurts.

I can’t have the social life I want for myself because I’m too quiet and shy and don’t have a lot to offer.

I can’t be bold in my faith because most days I’m not even sure if God likes me.

I can’t find love because I’m too neurotic and complicated for someone to be with.

I can’t find that job I’m super passionate and excited about because that’s just a fantasy.

I can’t even attempt to land any writing gigs because my portfolio isn’t impressive and I can’t handle rejection.

I can’t travel the world because I can barely keep my head above water with my finances as it is.

I can’t get out of debt because it’s too overwhelming to even know where to start.

I can’t move out on my own because I can’t support myself and being independent is scary.

I can’t get more involved at my church because churches are filled with extroverts and my introverted self doesn’t have a place.

I can’t is such a huge part of my vocabulary.

I forget that I have the power to change. I hold the pen to my story. I can erase and restructure. 

I can continue the story I’ve been writing for years now. I could continue writing about how I keep failing at losing weight and how hard it is to find friends and how much I want to find a better job but am so scared of leaving my safety net – even if it is a place that is making me more and more miserable.

I can continue making excuses, pretending I’m doing okay, and that I have control over my anxiety.

Or I could start changing my story. I could start looking at all the different times I tell myself I can’t do something and do some deep soul-searching for why I want this goal and what is holding me back from achieving it.

Is it laziness? Is it fear? Is it doubt? Is it because I’ve spent too much time listening to what other people are telling me about how I should live?

I have the power to change my story. I may not feel brave or gutsy. The thing about getting over our fear and doubts is to accept it for what is is. Feel the fear – and do it anyway. If I spend my time waiting for the fear and doubt to dissipate, I’ll never get started on any of my goals. But what if I just let them have their place, let them be there and work with my fear? Understand why it’s there and choose to do whatever is making me scared anyway.

I could acknowledge that I’m scared I don’t have the willpower or the strength to quit sugar or run that half-marathon or eat a cleaner diet. Yes, I’m scared. I am so scared. But then I can make a plan. And I could stick to the plan, even when it gets really super freaking hard. I could continue reminding myself that I am worth all the sacrifices. I could remind myself that it will all be worth it.

I want to change my story. I want to be a success. I want to take all these goals I’ve been stockpiling in my mind and start achieving them. I want to stop believing I can’t do something and just start going after what I want, because I’m worth it.

Nicole of Life Less Bullshit is one of my favorite bloggers and she’s the one who started this call to action. She’s gone through some incredible changes over the past few years (quitting alcohol, switching to a plant-based diet, and running a marathon – some of the biggies) and she’s not done yet. This year, she’s unveiled the Change Your Story project. In her own words: “Identify your old story, write your new story, and then start committing to activities that move you from one to the other. I’ll be working on this project all year – tackling a different self-limiting story each time.”

I have a lot of stories I’ve been writing about myself that I want to change. I have a lot of shit to tackle but I’m committing myself to this project. I wanted 2013 to be a year of big, scary changes. My theme, after all, is “do the work.” I haven’t been doing the work lately. I’ve been letting that little voice inside my head that is telling me I can’t do this or I can’t do that be my truth.

“Everything you think is true about yourself is only true until it’s not.”

Old story: I don’t have many close friendships because I keep to myself. I’ve never been good at maintaining friendships because I don’t try hard enough. I’m shy and it’s incredibly stressful to put myself out there. I feel boring. I feel as if I will never find girlfriends who understand me.

New story: I’m going to be more social. I’m going to attend Meet-Up socializing events and be more active in my book club and stop hiding behind the screen. I’m going to go to events where I don’t know anyone and be myself and see what comes of it. I’m going to reach out to people and form friendships – no matter how scary it seems.

Old story: I can’t eat healthy on a consistent basis because I love unhealthy foods and hate the taste of healthy foods. I don’t have enough willpower to resist sweets. I could never become a vegetarian because I don’t like the foods vegetarians eat. I don’t want to restrict myself.

New story: I don’t have to do it all in one day. Take one unhealthy behavior at a time and fix it. I’m no longer addicted to caffeine – I can do the same for sugar. I can learn to love healthy foods. I can learn to eat sweets in moderation. I can slowly work meat out of my diet. It’s not about restriction – it’s about a cleaner, more wholesome way of eating that will make me feel so much better in the long run. It’s not going to be easy but nothing worth doing ever comes easy. I want this. I want this so badly. I can do it.

Old story: I can’t move out on my own because living with my mom is so comfortable. We have a good system that works. I can’t afford to live on my own. I’m scared to be by myself. I tried it before and failed miserably.

New story: I am ready for this. I have all the power to finally move out, be independent, and begin to create a life separate of my mom. We both need this. It will take some sacrifices, but it’s absolutely doable. It will strengthen me and help me grow immensely in ways I’m not right now.

We can be the best liars to ourselves. We can be negative influences and derail our success. We forget that we need to be our biggest cheerleaders. We need to motivate ourselves. And we have all the power within our grasp to tackle the scary goals that seem so unattainable. 

At the end of last year, I wrote a letter to myself as if I was writing it at the end of 2013. (Greatly inspired by Jess!) I wanted to create a vision of what I wanted to achieve in 2013. There is so much hope and goodness and light in that letter. I want to be that girl I envisioned. And I can be. I just have to remember that changing my story means changing my mindset. It means pushing my comfort levels. And it means not settling. As they say, nothing changes if nothing changes.