Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

On Social Situations

For a long time, I hated the fact that I was shy. Quiet. Reserved. My dad is the opposite. He is loud and boisterous and friendly. He can talk to anyone, about anything, and immediately put them at ease. He is a pro at small talk. It used to bug him so much that my brother and I were not more like him in this aspect.

Over the past few years, I’ve grown more and more at ease with myself in being quiet and shy. Don’t get me wrong – I am just about the opposite around some people. With my mom and my brother and certain friends? I am loud and boisterous. I tell (witty?) jokes and feel completely at home with these people.

But it takes me a long while to let down my guard and open up. And even with people I’ve known my entire life – even with family – I remain shy and quiet and reserved.

Social situations are terrifying for me. I didn’t know what this churning in my gut, the sweaty palms, and racing heart, meant when faced with social situations. I didn’t know why I remained locked inside my shell, watching everyone around me chatter and laugh. Why did my brain shut off? Why was the thought of being social so exhausting for me to think about?

Being an introvert and furthermore, having social anxiety can make you feel like a failure. As if there is something wrong with you and it’s better to not even try. I experienced these emotions more than ever a few weeks ago. I’ll remain mum on what exactly it was, but trust me: I thought I would be fine. I was nervous as hell and thought about turning the car around more than once, but kept telling myself I just had to go for it. Put myself out there. The worst thing that could happen would be that I would have a horrible time. It wasn’t going to kill me and maybe? Maybe I would meet a new group of friends through it.

Well, it was every bit as awful as I had imagined. While everyone chattered around me, I thought of ways of leaving without anyone seeing me. My brain turned off and I don’t think I could have held a normal conversation if I tried. I have never in my life felt more out of place than I did there. The truth was, I thought I would be fine. It wasn’t my first time doing something like this, but every time I think I’ll be ok. I envision myself being friendly and chatty, but can never seem to take that vision and make it a reality.

I’m learning that being quiet and shy is a part of who I am. I’m never going to be the most friendly girl in a room. I am reserved upon first meeting someone and even more so when I’m faced with a group of people I don’t know. I don’t want to be the girl who hides behind her blog. I want to put myself out there and stop living so small, but it’s scary.

I came home from the social event and cried. I was so incredibly disappointed in myself, so upset that I couldn’t be normal. Why was it so hard for me? What chromosome am I missing that social situations stress me out so much? Is this why I have a pitiful amount of real-life friends? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Just thinking of it all, thinking of all the ways I wanted my introverted ways to change was exhausting.

I am an introvert, plain and simple, through and through. I crave silence and solitude. I am happy being alone. I recharge my batteries being away from people, while extroverts recharge by being with people. And more than being an introvert, I think I also struggle with social anxiety. I haven’t been diagnosed with it, but the symptoms are there. Big, red, flashing symptoms that make me take a step back and think, “Oh, my God. This is not just me being shy. This is not just me being unfriendly. There is something bigger going on.”

I gave myself credit for trying it. For not letting my social anxiety completely define me at that moment. Even though I let it get the best of me in that situation, at least I tried. It can be so easy to let my introvertedness and (self-diagnosed) social anxiety grab me and hold me captive. Keep me at home, away from situations that stress me out. There’s nothing worse than being surrounded by people talking around you, laughing and sharing stories, and feeling completely out of place and invisible. If I had been more like my dad, I could have easily joined in the conversations, cracked a few jokes, and made everyone love me within minutes.

But I’m not.

I’m just Stephany. I’m quiet upon first meeting people, carefully taking everything in and piecing together my words in my head. I’m shy and not the best at small talk. I’m uncomfortable in social situations, especially when I don’t know the people I’m meeting. I quite possibly have a social anxiety disorder but I’m determined to fight against it, determined to take whatever steps needed to not let it define me as a person. I am so much more than my shyness, my introverted nature, my social anxiety.

So yes, if we one day meet, I may appear different than I am on my blog. Not because I put on a show for my blog, but because writing comes easier than talking. I could have a whole conversation with someone over gChat but get me in front of their face? I shut down. My mind stops working. My tongue gets tied.

And that’s okay. It’s okay that it takes me longer to warm up to people than others do, it’s okay that I keep my thoughts to myself until I feel ready, it’s okay to be quiet. But it’s not okay to let myself be ruled by this so much, it keeps me from being social. It’s not okay to use social anxiety as an excuse.

I’m taking baby steps. I’m not always getting it right, I’m not always beating it, but I’m taking measures to get there. And that’s the best I can ask of myself right now.

Are you more of an extrovert or an introvert? Do social situations stress you out, or excite you?

Categories: About Me

Tagged

Back in December, both Erin and Melissa tagged me in a fun meme. I tend to shy away from these types of things but it looked like a fun one so, one month later, I’m finally getting around to posting my own! Since I was tagged twice, I answered a combination of their questions during the question section because answering 22 questions is a little crazy for me.

Here are the rules.
1. You must post these rules.
2. Each person must post 11 things about themselves on their blog.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 people to tag and link them on the post.
5. No tag backs and you legitimately have to tag 11 people.

11 Facts About Myself.
1. Whenever my family orders pizza, we specifically ask for the pepperoni to be placed under the cheese. It is so much better this way. Seriously. Try it.

2. I really want to adopt another dachshund.

3. I take a bubble bath almost every day.

4. I’m addicted to Bath and Body Works hand sanitizers.

5. I really hate driving. And since I live in an area that is not walkable and has a sketchy bus transit system, it’s inevitable I spend a lot of time in the car.

6. I hate cold weather with a passion. And by “cold weather”, I mean anything under 60 degrees.

7. I am pretty awful at saving money. It’s something I want to work on this year.

8. I took my first cruise in May 2011 and I’m pretty sure I’ll be taking one a year from here on out.

9. I have three calendars at my desk at work: a small monthly calendar that sits on one side of my computer, a day calendar (featuring dachshunds!) that sits on the other side of my computer, and a large desk calendar that sits to the right of me where I try to keep up with all our due dates for our many emails, ads, and print runs.

10. The biggest city I’ve ever visited is Atlanta.

11. Sometimes, I have a terrible time focusing at work.

11 Questions to Answer.
1. Where is one place (city, state, or country) that you are dying to visit?
New York City. So many people tell me I’ll hate it (since I’m too low-key for it? Not sure.) but I think you have to visit at least once in your life!

2. What is your bedtime?
Ideally? 9:00. But more often than not, it’s 10:30 or 11:00. As someone who wakes up around 5:00-5:30 to work out, this is way too late. Whenever I make it to bed before 10:00, I’m ecstatic. (Dear 12-year-old Stephany, yes. This is what adulthood looks like.)

3. What is one resolution or goal you have for 2012?
To achieve a healthy lifestyle. I have lots of goals for 2012, but this one is the biggest one I want to achieve.

4. What’s your favorite part of the day?
Probably the evening hours, when my mom and I are relaxing on the couch, eating dinner, and watching TV. It’s a calm, slow time for us to catch up and wind down from our busy days.

5. Favorite vacation you’ve taken so far in your life?
My cruise, of course! It was the most fabulous five days of my LIFE. I had such a blast, more fun than I ever imagined. I cannot wait to go again!

6. Favorite board game?
My absolute favorite is probably Trivial Pursuit, but I also love Apples to Apples which is only fun when you play with a big group. I have been itching to host a game night for the sole reason of playing Apples to Apples for hours.

7. When you need a snack, do you reach for something sweet or salty? 
Usually, sweet! My sweet tooth is a little out of control, especially in the afternoons. I always make sure to have something chocolatey on hand to cure my cravings at work.

8. What is your dream job?
My dream is to write and spread the message of purity and waiting. There. I said it. Whew.

9. What is your favorite animal?
Always and forever, dogs. I have an intense love for dogs and all the happiness they bring to my life. Second runner-up is sea lions.

10. What is your favorite part of the holidays?
I’m not sure I could choose just one! I love how busy and crazy it is, the decorations, buying gifts, anticipating what others have bought you, etc. Only 10.5 more months until we get to do it all over again!

11. Who is your hero?
My grandma, no doubt. She has beaten Stage IV colon cancer TWICE (currently battling it for a third time, but will be undergoing special treatment to zap it out, no chemo needed). She has raised six children and is currently raising two teenagers who are… quite special, to put it nicely. She has not had an easy life but is my biggest inspiration for fighting when the going gets tough and enduring challenges with grace. She knows the Bible backward and forward and has this amazing, strong love for the Lord that I try to emulate on a daily basis. I think anyone who has ever met her or knows her would say she is their hero as well. She is an amazing, amazing woman.

Here Are My Questions.
1. When was the last time you felt proud of yourself?
2. What is your definition of success? Of failure?
3. What is your favorite day of the year?
4. When you go to the mall, do you go with a specific purchase in mind, or just go to browse?
5. What is the next vacation you’re looking forward to?
6. Do you use a planner? Paper or electronic?
7. What is your must-have beauty product?
8. What was the last book you read? What did you think about it?
9. What Internet browser do you use the most?
10. When was the last time you went to the dentist?
11. Which is the bigger time-suck for you: Facebook or Twitter… or something else?

I am tagging: Lauren, Amber, Lisa, San, Amber, Stephanie, Krysten, Cait, Stephanie, Marissa, and Allison

Categories: About Me

NaNoWriMo 2011: Lessons Learned

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I’ve attempted NaNoWriMo twice.

The first time was in 2009 and I was in the midst of finals and papers and trying to work a part-time job all at the same time. I made it two days.

The second time was last month. I’m done with school and I knew now was the best time to do it. This year, I made it farther. The first day I wrote 2,000 words but on day two, I decided I wasn’t feeling the story so I switched it. This caused me to fall behind and I never fully caught up. I stopped after ten days.

Two attempts. Two failures, if you want to look at it that way. But I’m choosing to look at NaNoWriMo 2011 as a learning experience. I learned a lot about my writing style, the environment I need to be in to write, and what it will take for me to finish a novel.

Lessons Learned While Attempting NaNoWriMo 2011

1. I have to write fiction daily. Even if it’s just for 10 minutes, writing daily is key. And not just writing anything. I could check-mark my blog posts as my writing for the day but that’s cheating. As much as I love writing for my blog, I also need to hone my fiction writing. I need to set time aside – be it in the early morning or late at night – to give my 100% focus to my story. One thing about NaNoWriMo is that you have to write an average of 1,667 words a day to meet the goal. This means writing every single day or having to catch up on days you miss. It gets you in the habit of writing daily. I’ve fallen a little off the writing everyday wagon, but I’ve been doing better the past few days and am excited about writing again.

2. I love character-driven romances. I spent most of October shuffling through my memory bank of story ideas, switching through mysteries and YA lit and chick-lit. Through romances and historical novels. To be quite honest and blunt, I don’t much care about writing the next best-seller. Would it be lovely for my novels to have the kind of staying power as the Harry Potter series? Yes, definitely. But I’m not certain that’s my path to take. I find my place in character-driven romances, about people who lead small lives and where love is the centerpiece. I’m not talking about creating fluffy main characters who think they need a man to be happy. Not one bit. That’s not how I live my own life so there’s no way I could write about that. Instead, I want to write about women finding their own path in life, finding their own happiness, and who open their hearts and minds to love and romance. That’s the kind of book I want to write.

3. I need a silent, organized workspace in order to write. This wasn’t a big revelation for me, as I preferred silence when studying when I was in college. For the most part, I prefer it more often than not. Sometimes, I like to have the TV on when I clean, but I generally prefer a quiet home when I’m trying to keep my focus. My attention strays too much to the television or the lyrics of the song if I have music on than on what I need to be doing at that moment. Along with silence, comes a clean space. I think most people work better without clutter and it really gives me a fresh, open mind when my environment is organized and neat.

4. Don’t worry so much about quality. Worry more about getting the words down. NaNoWriMo is about quantity, not quality. It’s about the process of writing and not worrying so much about how perfect it is. I want to bring that process into my writing now because I can get bogged down on making sure dialogue flows right or a scene sounds perfect that I miss out on the actual writing of my novel. I want to focus more on putting words down on paper and less on perfection. The editing process is there to smooth out any kinks and delete scenes that don’t work right but I think, for now, I just need to write for quantity.

5. I have a desire and passion for writing. I know the road to being a published author is long and arduous. And it may not ever lead to a place where I can fully sustain myself in my writing. But there’s this thing about having a passion: you will do whatever it takes to fulfill that passion. You will lose sleep, food, and money to chase after your dream. And those people who think you are crazy and insane? They don’t know the sweet fulfillment that comes from being in the midst of chasing – or realizing – their passions.

Did you participate in NaNoWriMo this year? If so, did you finish? What is your biggest passion in life?

Categories: About Me

On Turning Twenty-Four

Last year, writing my post on my twenty-second year* didn’t feel good. I had to be very honest about my feelings and where I was in life. I wasn’t happy. I felt very stuck and I knew I needed to make some big changes. I wanted 2011 to be a year where I stepped out of my comfort zone and made a conscious effort to be happy. I recently read this quote in a book and there is so much truth in it:

We each make our own happiness. If one is not happy, then one is to blame for it and not a circumstance. Happiness is not something that can be put off for a future time or acquired like a new tie. One either is happy or one is not. (Kissing Adrien)

My twenty-third year was a good one. There were rocky moments and peaks and valleys, just as life is. But there were also really good moments of happiness. Of growth. In last year’s post, I wrote that I wanted my life to look completely different than it did a year ago. There were specific avenues I wanted change to happen in.

  • My health and weight
  • My job
  • Being more social
  • Being more independent
  • Writing more

I can’t say I achieved all the goals I set for myself but I can firmly say my life has taken a 360 spin from last year and I finally feel like I’m on the right path. I found areas of my life I didn’t like and I changed them. I may have not been completely successful in everything, but I finally took action. I began to choose happiness.

Over the course of this month, I’ve been a little disappointed in myself because 2011 is not the year I finally gained control of my overeating tendencies and the year I finally got to my goal weight. It’s not the year where I found love or developed a close-knit group of girlfriends or became more involved in my church. It’s not the year where I became a freelance writer or even got a head start on that novel I want to write.

But it was a year where I graduated from college, went on a fabulous cruise, grew even closer to my mother, my brother, and fabulous Internet friends, and started my career. A year when I began to make scary changes to my life, but didn’t reach out for opportunities as much as I would have liked. I watched my nephew became a little person who I can have conversations and giggles with. I’ve been able to realize that my happiness is of the utmost importance. And that perhaps what is “expected” of me is something I’m interested in doing. I began to see things in my life that were causing me negativity and make the necessary changes to remove those forces from my life.

My life is a whole lot different now than it was last year. I have a college degree, a great job, and more independence. I am happy with the way this past year unfolded. I can’t say that about a lot of my life, but I’m in a really good place right now. I hope it remains so, but even if it doesn’t, I hope I find ways to choose happiness even when my world is crumbling around me.

But I also want my life next year to look a whole lot different than it does right now. I read in a book (same book as quoted above) of a woman thinking of living the next five years of her life without any changes, just the same old, same old. She didn’t want that. I don’t want that. I want to keep growing, keep changing. I never want to be too comfortable with my life. My main focus over the next year is going to be about my health. It’s been something I’ve said I want to figure out in the past, but I’ve reached a turning point, I believe. I want to stop making excuses and letting the comfortable stay in my life.

Change happens when you allow yourself to be uncomfortable.

Age twenty-four? It’s time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Let’s do this.

*Yeah, yeah. I know it’s technically my twenty-third year, but whatever. That just sounds funny.

Categories: About Me

Ask Me Anything – Round 2

Why did your parents go with a Y at the end of your name? It’s unique, & I like it better than the other spellings of the name.

As the story goes, my father wanted to name me Doogabock. I’m really not sure if that’s how you spell that name, but it’s his own creation. Luckily, my mom nixed that awful name and came up with the name Stephanie. Only she wanted me to have a different spelling and went with a “Y” at the end. I hated being “Stephany” for the longest time because it was so different, but I’ve grown to absolutely love it. I totally prefer it to other spellings of my name.

How long have you been blogging? What inspired you to start blogging?

I’ve been blogging since high school, although I’m not sure if you can call Xanga a blog. Or at least how I did it. I’ve just always loved writing and writing about my life and struggles so I bounced around a lot of blogs in the years prior to this one. Since I have a tough time talking aloud about my feelings, blogging has been a way for me to release my feelings and talk through my problems.

If you could go on a vacation without worrying about paying for it, where would you go?

(OK, anyone who’s been following my blog for the past year, say it with me…) A CRUISE! Of course! I’d love to go on one of those long, European cruises, hitting up dozens of spots and having incredible adventures at each. I really, really enjoy cruising. I had so much fun on my first one and I have a feeling cruising will be a big part of my future. There is so much to do and see while cruising and you really cannot beat waking up after the waves lulled you to sleep, and seeing deep blue water on all sides of you. It’s absolutely perfect.

And if I didn’t have to worry about paying for it? I’d bring along some of my closest blogger friends because I have this dream of going on a cruise with a bunch of bloggers. How fun would that be?!