I had an extremely long blog post written that I really hope you didn’t read. It detailed my history of blogging and where I saw my blog going in the future. It was long. It was kind of melancholy. And I didn’t like how I wrote it.
Identity Crisis
Lately, I haven’t been happy lately with my blog. I haven’t been happy with the posts I’ve been creating. Sometimes, I wish I was more comfortable with posting when I can, not having to stick to a specific schedule. Then I do that and wish I was on a schedule again. It’s a bit of the “grass is always greener” debate.
So which is better? Blogging five days a week, with the majority of these blogs being non-posts? Or blogging when I feel the need to write?
I’m just not sure. Even now, while writing this post, I’m being attacked by thoughts to not post this.
Maybe I take blogging too seriously. Maybe I’m overthinking this. I just don’t know.
So I’m giving myself a break from blogging. Most likely, you won’t hear anything from me for the next 2 weeks. I need time to reevaluate where I want this blog to go. I need time to focus on my family and school. I need time to breathe. (I will still bombard your Twitter feed – don’t worry about that.)
I do know that I love blogging. I have not lost my fire or passion for this blog. I’ll be back, hopefully with some better posts and a more sure idea of who I am as a blogger.
Comments closed.
You’re Not Enough For Me
The last time I posted about my faith was August 11. Almost two months ago. And since I’m not one to sugarcoat things, especially in regard to faith and spirituality, let’s just say I seem to have “broken up” with God these past few months. While I have prayed my heart out during my mom’s ER visit, my ER visit, and my grandma’s cancer results, I’m becoming That Girl. The Girl Who Prays When Things Are Bad, But Forget About God When Things Are Good. (And doesn’t that label just fall off your tongue?)
Things haven’t been great. I’ve been “too busy” for quiet time, “too busy” to pray, “too busy” to really spend time with my Heavenly Father. I’ve been to church once in two months. My Bible is collecting dust and I haven’t even opened my devotional book since late June.
I’ve been reading a book that has really opened my eyes to Jesus and what I mean to Him. In the story, the author personifies Jesus, making Him into a living, breathing human who is on a mission to show the heroine how much He cares for her. At first, I was turned off by the personification, but I’m growing to love it. I feel as if I’m learning so much about God through this story, much more than I ever have before. In one instance, He tells her to come to a church at a specific time. So she goes, but is so annoyed by the rain and being inconvenienced that she left after giving Jesus a piece of her mind. The next day, she confronts Him about it and he says, “Yes, that didn’t go according to My plan.” This line threw me for a loop. How many times do I let my own free will tear me away from Jesus’ plan for my life? How many times has God put me in the spot I need to be in at that very moment, but I let annoyances or circumstances lead me onto the wrong path?
I’m not following God right now. I’m buying into what the world is offering me. I’m letting it dictate my emotions and my worth. I’m finding solace and strength from social media and entertainment and not from the abiding grace of my Father. In a sense, I’m telling Jesus that He’s not enough for me right now. He’s not good enough for me. I need more than what He can offer. And how crazy does that sound? God can give me so much more than I need, so much more than I could ever hope for, so much more than I could ever expect. He can fulfill my every need. But I’m not letting Him. I’m hiding myself away, holding on tight to my heart so nobody can get near it to tarnish it. But my heart? It’s broken, it’s bruised, it’s beating to a slow beat. It needs the hands of the Greatest Artist to turn it over in His hands, wipe it off, and make it whole again.
Maybe I’m a slow learner. Maybe I need to make a few mistakes before I recognize the truth that is staring me in the face. God loves me. God cares about me. And God wants to be a part of my life. He wants to be a part of the joy and happiness, as well as the sadness and anger. He wants to clean up this mess I’m making of my life and turn it around. All I have to do is release this intense grip I have on my own life.
The Unbloggables
As you well know, I’m pretty open on my blog. I talk about a variety of topics, ranging from weight struggles to religion. I don’t play it safe most times and I really try to let you see my heart through my postings. But there are certain topics I will not talk about on my blog, the unbloggables. (And yes, it is a word!)
- Family. While I’ll celebrate the good times with my family through blog posts, I will never air our dirty laundry to the blog world. I think it’s distasteful and when it comes to extended family, I don’t feel like it’s my story to tell. I have learned from hard experience that airing your family’s dirty laundry is never a good idea.
- Work. I work at a preschool where I’m legally obligated to live by the axiom, “What happens at preschool, stays at preschool.” While I would love to show you pictures of these sweet munchkins who have completely captivated my heart, I can’t. And while sometimes I need a place to vent about workplace strife, I won’t. This is not the place for that.
- Internship. I try to be as discreet as possible when I do talk about my internship, never fully delving into exactly where I work or the kind of work I do. A lot of it has to be kept in-house. Again, not the place.
- TMI stuff. I don’t really enjoy reading TMI postings, especially sexual exploits and the like. There’s not too much happening in my life that would involve a TMI post, anyway. Unless we want to talk about having to go to the bathroom during the middle of a run or that very special time of the month. Not happening.
- Politics. The big reason why I don’t talk about politics on this blog is that I feel so uneducated on the subject. I know talking about politics can bring the ugly out in some people and, honestly, my heart can’t take it. I take things way too personally so mean comments would destroy me. Plus, I like Obama and I’m not of the mind that bashing our president is helpful.
My Writing Niche
I’m 19 days into my Creativity Challenge and after a stellar first week where major writing was happening and I felt my writing mojo come back, everything seemed to come to a screeching halt. I don’t have any desire to open my writing, my thoughts are jumbled, and I feel like I’m slipping farther and farther away from being the writer I want to be.
I think the problem ultimately stems from the fact that I really don’t know what kind of writing I want to do. I flip-flop between Christianity and mainstream. From chick lit to romantic suspense to tween fiction. I feel like I have all these amazing ideas and all these amazing characters who want their stories heard, yet I can’t find it in myself to pick just one story, stick with it, and write.
If I were to just sit down and write all the story ideas that have been bouncing around in my head for the past few years, I’m sure the number would be in the 30s. Some of those stories are lame and I need to just trash them. Some of those stories would require hours and hours of research and interviews to make it authentic. Some of those stories seem so good, they make my head spin. And they all fall under some different type of genre.
For all intents and purposes, I want to write for a Christian publisher. I know the types of books I want to write will be centered around faith and the struggles that entail. I don’t want to write cheap Christian fiction, where the protagonist never seems to struggle much with real faith issues, such as purity and this tug-of-war played with worldly ideals. I want to write a different type of Christian fiction, something I haven’t seen too much in Christian novels.
Since that’s settled, I now have to figure out what story I want to write.
- Do I want to write a chick-lit novel, which means writing with a lot more sass and humor than I usually do. My personality is perfect chick-lit, but honestly, I can never seem to get my sassy personality to show in my blog. I feel like I’m much more subdued and serious on my blog. (Am I? Or am I sassy?!) I have tons of good ideas for this one but I really feel that it takes a special writer to write good chick lit. And I consider good chick lit to fall under Judy Baer and Kristen Billerbeck’s stock. (And if you haven’t read a book by them, you are missing out.)
- Maybe I want to write for a teen audience. Deep inside of me, tucked in a place that nobody gets access to, is this passion for teenagers. It’s a small flame and something I don’t talk about a lot. There’s just something about teens, especially ones who struggle with faith, that gets to me. If I wrote a book for this audience, it would definitely be a little risky since I want to talk about real issues that real teens face. I don’t want to sugarcoat anything, just because it’s Christian fiction.
- There’s a part of me who wouldn’t mind writing a more romantic type of story, a la Denise Hunter and Rachel Hauck. A story with a more serious side to it, but devoid of all the cheesiness many romance novels have. Just a powerful story about redemption and love.
I’m still not sure what my niche is. And I’m not sure how I can keep writing if I don’t know this very vital part of my writing. But I do have a more concrete idea of what three genres interest me the most.
Now it’s up to me to just write. I have stories. I have an abundance of stories. Now I need to dig through these stories and find the one that suits me the best and that I feel I can write the most honest about.
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