Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Ten Years Ago

PROMPT:
Write a note to yourself ten years ago. What would you tell your younger self? – Jenny Blake

Dear 13-year-old Stephany,

I wish I could take you in my arms and give you a great big hug right now. You’re going through a lot. It feels as if the world is on your shoulders and the things you are going through are monstrous. You don’t like to admit it, but you suffer from low self-esteem and feeling like you don’t belong.

But I promise you, things are not as bad as they seem. In fact, compared to some 13-year-olds, you have it good. You have friends, a mother who would do anything for you, and a great family. You are doing well in school and it all seems to come easy for you. Maybe you’re not the popular girl and I know how much you want to have Scott or Dustin notice you. It’s tough being a teenager and middle school is hard. You are a sensitive, quiet soul but it’s hard to embrace that part of yourself when all you want is to be loud and exciting, like all the popular girls.

The biggest advice I can give to you is that it will get better. The world may feel like it’s ending but this time is just a small blip of your life. You will grow up, grow into your skin, and embrace who you are. One day, you will realize it is OK to be quiet and shy. You will find that the best friend you could ever have is staring you right in the face. And that being single is not the end of the world.

The only thing you want right now is to have a boyfriend. You want to be one of those girls walking down the halls of middle school with her hand wrapped tight in a boy’s and whom the whole school knows as “the couple”. Trust me that you will be happy you stayed single. And guess what? Aside from a short one-month stint as a girlfriend, you’ll be single throughout high school. You will hate it then, but when you hit college, you will be oh-so-happy you held true to your beliefs and values. That you didn’t jump into a relationship because it was the thing to do. It would have been so easy to fall into a relationship and lose the essence of who you are. You can enter your twenties knowing you are not afraid to be alone and that you are becoming the woman you were meant to be, with or without a man by your side. It’s hard right now, and it’s going to be hard ten years from now, but God has His hand in your romance and He will guide your path. Trust Him on this one, because it’s going to save you a lot of heartaches.

Over the next ten years, you’re going to learn a lot about your father, and none of it is good. For over two and a half of those ten years, he’ll either be in jail or prison. At this point in time, you know your dad isn’t one of the good guys but you still believe he can change and that he loves you unconditionally. You’ll soon realize this isn’t true and I wish I could spare you from the heartbreak that he will eventually cause. Hold on to that pure love you have for him now because soon, it will all change.

I promise things are going to get better, Stephany. Things look bleak now and at age thirteen, all you want is to be surrounded by great friends and adored by a cute boy. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to grow up and learn to accept who you are, even if the people around you don’t. You will find where you belong.

Just remember to stay true to who you are, keep your family close, and don’t worry so much about what others think about you. These people are not going to be around in 10 years and you will find that they didn’t matter in the least. Trust me, Stephany. I’m a little older and wiser. Things will get better. You will get through this teenage melodrama. And you will learn to love yourself.

Love,

Your future 23-year-old self

Categories: About Me

Action

Prompt:
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Scott Belsky)

I love making goals. For a while, I was making monthly goals but stopped once I feared my blog was becoming more of a goal journal than a blog. In 2010 alone, I wrote about goals 13 times. So, twice a month I was either setting goals or talking about them. I have some big goals for my life, big goals for 2011. I want to lose weight, graduate college, become more independent, branch out more.

While at Disney World last month, I saw a sign with a quote by Walt Disney. It read, “The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” I want 2011 to be the year I began to chase after my goals and put them into action. I want to stop talking about my goals and start living them out. I have big goals, yes. But they are all achievable and start with putting my foot in a different direction.

Sometimes, I feel as if I’m stuck in stagnation until I graduate in May. It’s not true, but I feel like I’m just waiting until then to begin my life.

But there are so many steps I can take before then. So what’s my next step? It’s to change my entire thought process about food and exercise. Eating right has been such a struggle my entire life and has become even harder as I grow up and take control of my own food choices. Most times, I scoff at people who seem to be able to eat right 24/7, saying it’s “not for me.” That thought process has got to stop. I have to start believing I can become a health nut and that some food is wreaking havoc on my body. And also on my mind.

I also want to begin thinking differently about exercise. The truth is, I feel awesome when I’m exercising. I feel as if I’m finally taking steps in the right direction and just the feel of sweat feels good. I’m not sure I have any specific exercise goals for 2011, but I just want it to become a more natural part of my day. I want my mood to be reflected on whether or not I exercised that day.

I want to end 2011 as a completely different person. I hope it doesn’t seem vain when I say I want to look completely different on the outside. I want to have more energy and feel better. I want to be thinner and stop flinching every time someone looks at my belly, hoping they don’t ask the pregnancy question. (Which, by the way, I was asked about on Monday. Whee!) I just want to look at my body and be proud of it. I’m not, because I don’t take the time to be good to it.

What is your next step to attaining your goals?

Categories: About Me

Eleven

 PROMPT:
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? – Sam Davidson

1. An unhealthy approach to life: I want 2011 to be the year I release my hold on the life I used to have, most especially where it relates to my health. Lugging around 40 extra pounds is not easy, and it shows in the way I’m constantly exhausted and sluggish. I want to start feeling better about myself, and it starts with how I’m taking care of myself. More wholesome foods, less processed foods. More water, less sugary soda. More fruits and veggies, fewer snacks. I want to get to my goal weight and stay there.

2. A marathon mindset: I read and follow a variety of healthy-living bloggers and it feels like healthy-living blogging goes hand-in-hand with running marathons. (And running them fast!) It pushed me into running (good), but also made me frustrated and upset when I couldn’t run as fast as them or as long as them. Maybe one day I will run a marathon but I’m pretty sure it won’t be in 2011. I want to stop putting so much pressure on running 10-minute miles and more on just running and enjoying myself. I still want to run races, but there’s no competitive spirit in me that needs to run half-marathons or marathons. I want to keep running, but I don’t want to be obsessive about it anymore.

3. Doubt (in regards to myself): I want to believe in myself. I want to trust myself. I want to stop being so afraid of failure that I miss out on amazing opportunities. I want to put myself out there and be OK with failure. I want to show myself I am much more capable than I thought I was. 2011 is the year I stop saying “I can’t” and start saying “I totally can.”

4. Doubt (in regards to my faith): My faith has struggled so much this year. I’ve doubted God and His promises. I’ve stopped attending church, reading my Bible, or even reading Christian novels. I’ve fallen into bad habits of reading books I shouldn’t and believing in lies the enemy whispers into my mind. But, see, I know God is real and I know I need Him in my life. I see it in the way my heart races and my palms sweat when someone talks against Him and the way my heart feels when I hear a worship song on the radio. I just need to start truly living it out and stop worrying so much about what others think of me.

5. Laziness: I am a lazy human being. I’m not proud of it and it’s something that I hate about myself. I blame blogging. (So yes, it means I also blame you. You for your blogs and your funny posts and thought-provoking posts and thrilling posts.) I want to do more with my time. I have a lot of free time, even when I am in school. But I don’t use it as wisely as I should. I’m getting rid of laziness in 2011 and managing my time better. Doing. More.

6. Sleepiness: I love sleeping. I have to replace my pillows often because I use them so much. I’m not sure if I have a low iron count or just poor sleeping habits, because I am constantly tired. Even when I get a good amount of sleep for a good number of days, I still can barely keep my eyes open past 10 p.m. I want to figure out why I’m so tired (whether it’s just not getting enough sleep, or something more serious) so I can stop sleeping away my life.

7. Anxiety: I am just starting to get a handle on these feelings I’ve been having and I think I may have a name to put with them. I’m nervous to blog about it, nervous to say I suffer from anxiety when it may not be the case. But I do know there’s something going on in my head that shouldn’t be. And I am intending to seek help with it.

8. Not dealing with my problems: I don’t like being unhappy. It’s not like I pretend things are sunshine and roses when they’re not, it’s that I just have an insatiable desire to be happy. So I don’t deal with unhappiness. I shove all of my problems to the back of my mind and don’t dwell on them. Take it from me: it’s not the best way to live. Sometimes, you have to be unhappy. For days. For weeks. For months. It’s not like I want to be unhappy for months, but I do need to know it is OK to be unhappy. Problems need to be dealt with and sometimes, it just isn’t pretty. My hope for 2011 is I forget about this happiness desire and start addressing what’s bothering me when it’s bothering me.

9. School: Providing I pass my classes next semester, I will be a college graduate in May 2011! I am so excited to say goodbye to school, tests, papers, and all the stress it brings. I will admit that I feel a little scared of what graduation will bring, but I’m excited! I’m ready to become a Big Girl.

10. Credit card debt: My only goal for the first few months of 2011 is to pay off my Target and bank credit card ($800 total). I just want to focus on that because once I do, this girl will be out of credit card debt. It’s something I never thought I would see myself in, but it’s a place I never want to be in again.

11. Being dependent: I have felt a pressing need to be on my own in these past few weeks. It’s not like my mom makes living with her miserable – it’s the opposite, actually. But I know I need to take some major leaps in a different direction to become more independent. I think it all starts with graduation and getting a job that pays more than minimum wage. It starts with me taking control of more bills, helping my mom out with housework, and doing more things on my own. It’s scary, though. But so, so incredibly necessary.

Tell me, what are some things your life doesn’t need in 2011?

Categories: About Me

Different. In a Good Way.

December 8th Reverb10 Prompt: Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Karen Walrond)

I can easily attest that I am different than normal 23-year-olds. But mostly, I don’t think of that differently in a funky, off-the-wall way. I think of it in a negative way. I am different, but I want to be just like them. I am different, but I’m not happy being so.

It’s funny because as out of place as I feel in the real world, I feel so much more acceptance and unity from the blogging community. I open Google Reader and I find people who are just like me. We may not be exactly alike (who is?), but there are so many facets of your personality that mesh perfectly with mine. I’m finding that maybe it’s not so bad to be different. And I’m learning to accept my difference. Such as…

  • …being a homebody and loving nights in way more than nights out.
  • …knowing that curling up with a good book is one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend.
  • …being obsessed with running, thinking about running, and worried over pace calculations.
  • …not having any inclination in my body to drink. Whether it be beer or wine or mixed drinks, there’s nothing in it for me. I just don’t like the taste and I’m not afraid to admit that.
  • …being health-conscious and focused on what’s good for my body, not just for a short while, but for my life.
  • …realizing that being health-conscious is really, really hard and rife with struggles and ups and downs.
  • …having a best friend in my mother and knowing that spending time with her keeps me sane.
  • …finding out that being an introvert is a part of me, as much as my green eyes. And I’m learning to love this.
  • …having a huge network of support and knowing these words I’m writing down will be read by people who love me. You guys are my favorites. All of you.
Categories: About Me

This Community

December 7th Reverb10 Prompt: Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Cali Harris)

Here. On this little blog. I can’t say I’m embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I have more online friends than real-life friends. Or that they know me better and more deeply than even those who have known me for years do.

I worry a lot about meeting someone I’ve known from the blog world in real life because I fear the real me is a lot more boring than it shows on my blog. It’s not that I’m fake on my blog, I’m just a lot more open and trusting with my words. Having this blog has been a sort of therapy. I have talked about some really tough issues and tried to be as transparent with you as I can be. I have a hard time doing this in my real life, so being able to do so here has been a blessing.

In doing so, I have met so many wonderful people. Some of you have become my closest friends and biggest supporters. I’ve learned so much about myself through this process of growing my blog. And reading your blogs has shown me a whole new world. I have learned so much from your blogs and I can’t wait to see what’s coming up in 2011 for all of us.

For 2011, my wish is to be more present in my community. While I’m not sure what the future holds after college, I do know I want to be involved in whatever city I’m living in. Last month, I joined a book club group from meetup.com. I haven’t actually attended the book club yet, because I’m basically scared to death. But I will. I promise. (January? Can I wait until January?) And since they do more than just the monthly book club meeting, like movie and dinner dates, I know it would be a great way to get out there and start experiencing my community. I need to stop living in my bubble and step outside my comfort zone. While it’s easy living in my bubble, it’s also a little scary to think of all the opportunities I am letting pass me by because I’m not out there to grab them.

Tell me, what community would you like to join in 2011?