Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

On Being an Introvert

When I was a senior in high school, my best friend called me boring. Boring. Essentially, it was a huge criticism and caused me to spend the next few years hating everything about the word. And hating even more that she was right.

I began to equate my quietness and introvertedness (that’s a word!) as being boring. I hated it. I hated that she was right and I was boring. No wonder I have a hard time making friends, haven’t been on a date in eleventy billion months, and hate everything about the social scene. It’s because I’m boring.

A few weeks ago, Emily Jane wrote an amazing post about introverts and why we struggle with being social. It was a real eye-opener for me to find out there isn’t anything wrong with me. I’m not weird, nor do I need to seek out a more boisterous personality. There were so many interesting tidbits in the post that I won’t begin to talk about them here. The main lesson I took away from it was that I become overstimulated by too much social time and I draw my energy from being quiet. It makes complete sense to me. I cherish my alone times more than my people times. If I don’t get at least a few hours of alone time a day, I get stressed and jittery. (This is why it’s probably a good reason I changed my major from education to journalism. And why I hated my teaching experiences so much.)

My mom and I are both huge introverts. We spend many, many car rides in complete silence. To some people, we may look like we’re mad at each other or barely know one another. But the truth is, this is just the way we were made. If you were to tape a sensor to my brain to spew out everything I was thinking during these “silent” car rides, I don’t even know how many pages you would fill up! When I’m quiet and seem withdrawn into myself, it doesn’t mean I’m not engaged. The opposite is actually true. My mind never seems to shut off and there is so much happening in my brain that it would probably exhaust an extrovert.

I’m beginning to embrace being an introvert. I love the fact that being shy and quiet is such a huge part of me because there’s nothing to be ashamed of! While I would love to have more of my dad’s extroverted personality where he could get anyone and everyone to open up to him and become his best friend justlikethat, I realize it’s OK if I don’t. There are downsides to being so quiet and shy, mainly that it takes me forever to open up to people and let myself enjoy where I’m at. I worry too much about what people think of me. I can’t do small talk for anything. And I cringe at the thought of a car ride with someone I barely know.

But I need to stop worrying about that because it hasn’t gotten me anywhere in the past few years. I’m shy. Incredibly so. I’m quiet, to the point you may think I’m snobbish. (I promise I’m not.) Some may call me boring. So what? It’s who I am. I need to embrace it.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? 

Categories: About Me

On Blogging

I had an extremely long blog post written that I really hope you didn’t read. It detailed my history of blogging and where I saw my blog going in the future. It was long. It was kind of melancholy. And I didn’t like how I wrote it.

Instead, I wanted to write more about my views on blogging and the type of blogger I want to be.
You see, I’m fairly new to this blogging thing. I began this blog in August 2009 and it’s been my most successful blog by far. According to Google Reader, I have 132 followers (91 on Friend Connect). I receive double-digit comments on most of my posts. And I have met some of my closest friends through blogging. I have received so much advice from readers, so much inspiration from other blogs, and so much goodness from this entire community. Starting this blog was, by far, the best thing I have ever done.
Maybe my name isn’t out there as much as some other bloggers. I don’t have any book deals pending, there are no mean websites started because of my blog, and my following is quite small in comparison to others. But I can’t compare my blogs to others. I can only do as best as I can for myself. I’m not sure I want to deal with the backlash bloggers such as Caitlin and MckMama have had to deal with because I am the epitome of a sensitive person. I’m happy with the following I’ve developed, although I think there’s nothing wrong with saying I would love more followers.
I’ve begun to realize that I need to get back to blogging for me, which is probably the worst thing you can do if you want to grow your blog. I want to stop needing to stick to a rigid five-day-a-week blogging schedule and spend hours a day commenting on other blogs. I want to write when I feel the need and have the time to do so. I want to be just fine with going days without checking my Reader.
My three-week break was good for this. It made me realize that there is more to life than my blog. After all, if I don’t experience life, what will I have to blog about? It also made me realize that I love and need blogging. I love my blog friends. I love reading about their lives and gaining insight. I love writing blog posts and receiving feedback. I want to grow my blog and eventually move it to its own domain name.
So where is this blog going? Good question. I don’t have a firm answer. I want it to grow as I grow. I’m entering a very uncertain time of my life as I graduate college in May and have no idea what I want to do. My postings may be erratic, or they may be structured. I may post one day a week or go an entire month of blogging every single day. I keep telling myself I need to figure out what I want to do with my blog because my readers are getting confused. But, honestly, are you all that concerned about how much I’m posting? I don’t think so. (Unless, of course, I go three weeks without blogging!) You all have your own lives and blogs to be concerned about.
So there you have it. Not a very clear answer. I want this blog to grow, for sure. But I also want to grow myself. And I’m beginning to see that I just need to blog for me and worry less about what everyone is thinking about me. Because frankly, you guys have stuck around for a lot of my whiny posts, non-posts, and blog hiatuses. I think you’re here to stay.
Photo credit: x, x
Categories: About Me

Identity Crisis

Lately, I haven’t been happy lately with my blog. I haven’t been happy with the posts I’ve been creating. Sometimes, I wish I was more comfortable with posting when I can, not having to stick to a specific schedule. Then I do that and wish I was on a schedule again. It’s a bit of the “grass is always greener” debate.

So which is better? Blogging five days a week, with the majority of these blogs being non-posts? Or blogging when I feel the need to write?

I’m just not sure. Even now, while writing this post, I’m being attacked by thoughts to not post this.

Maybe I take blogging too seriously. Maybe I’m overthinking this. I just don’t know.

So I’m giving myself a break from blogging. Most likely, you won’t hear anything from me for the next 2 weeks. I need time to reevaluate where I want this blog to go. I need time to focus on my family and school. I need time to breathe. (I will still bombard your Twitter feed – don’t worry about that.)

I do know that I love blogging. I have not lost my fire or passion for this blog. I’ll be back, hopefully with some better posts and a more sure idea of who I am as a blogger.

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Categories: About Me

You’re Not Enough For Me

The last time I posted about my faith was August 11. Almost two months ago. And since I’m not one to sugarcoat things, especially in regard to faith and spirituality, let’s just say I seem to have “broken up” with God these past few months. While I have prayed my heart out during my mom’s ER visit, my ER visit, and my grandma’s cancer results, I’m becoming That Girl. The Girl Who Prays When Things Are Bad, But Forget About God When Things Are Good. (And doesn’t that label just fall off your tongue?)

Things haven’t been great. I’ve been “too busy” for quiet time, “too busy” to pray, “too busy” to really spend time with my Heavenly Father. I’ve been to church once in two months. My Bible is collecting dust and I haven’t even opened my devotional book since late June.

I’ve been reading a book that has really opened my eyes to Jesus and what I mean to Him. In the story, the author personifies Jesus, making Him into a living, breathing human who is on a mission to show the heroine how much He cares for her. At first, I was turned off by the personification, but I’m growing to love it. I feel as if I’m learning so much about God through this story, much more than I ever have before. In one instance, He tells her to come to a church at a specific time. So she goes, but is so annoyed by the rain and being inconvenienced that she left after giving Jesus a piece of her mind. The next day, she confronts Him about it and he says, “Yes, that didn’t go according to My plan.” This line threw me for a loop. How many times do I let my own free will tear me away from Jesus’ plan for my life? How many times has God put me in the spot I need to be in at that very moment, but I let annoyances or circumstances lead me onto the wrong path?

I’m not following God right now. I’m buying into what the world is offering me. I’m letting it dictate my emotions and my worth. I’m finding solace and strength from social media and entertainment and not from the abiding grace of my Father. In a sense, I’m telling Jesus that He’s not enough for me right now. He’s not good enough for me. I need more than what He can offer. And how crazy does that sound? God can give me so much more than I need, so much more than I could ever hope for, so much more than I could ever expect. He can fulfill my every need. But I’m not letting Him. I’m hiding myself away, holding on tight to my heart so nobody can get near it to tarnish it. But my heart? It’s broken, it’s bruised, it’s beating to a slow beat. It needs the hands of the Greatest Artist to turn it over in His hands, wipe it off, and make it whole again.

Maybe I’m a slow learner. Maybe I need to make a few mistakes before I recognize the truth that is staring me in the face. God loves me. God cares about me. And God wants to be a part of my life. He wants to be a part of the joy and happiness, as well as the sadness and anger. He wants to clean up this mess I’m making of my life and turn it around. All I have to do is release this intense grip I have on my own life.

Categories: About Me

The Unbloggables

As you well know, I’m pretty open on my blog. I talk about a variety of topics, ranging from weight struggles to religion. I don’t play it safe most times and I really try to let you see my heart through my postings. But there are certain topics I will not talk about on my blog, the unbloggables. (And yes, it is a word!)

  • Family. While I’ll celebrate the good times with my family through blog posts, I will never air our dirty laundry to the blog world. I think it’s distasteful and when it comes to extended family, I don’t feel like it’s my story to tell. I have learned from hard experience that airing your family’s dirty laundry is never a good idea.
  • Work. I work at a preschool where I’m legally obligated to live by the axiom, “What happens at preschool, stays at preschool.” While I would love to show you pictures of these sweet munchkins who have completely captivated my heart, I can’t. And while sometimes I need a place to vent about workplace strife, I won’t. This is not the place for that.
  • Internship. I try to be as discreet as possible when I do talk about my internship, never fully delving into exactly where I work or the kind of work I do. A lot of it has to be kept in-house. Again, not the place.
  • TMI stuff. I don’t really enjoy reading TMI postings, especially sexual exploits and the like. There’s not too much happening in my life that would involve a TMI post, anyway. Unless we want to talk about having to go to the bathroom during the middle of a run or that very special time of the month. Not happening.
  • Politics. The big reason why I don’t talk about politics on this blog is that I feel so uneducated on the subject. I know talking about politics can bring the ugly out in some people and, honestly, my heart can’t take it. I take things way too personally so mean comments would destroy me. Plus, I like Obama and I’m not of the mind that bashing our president is helpful.
What are some of YOUR unbloggables? Does your list look anything like mine?