Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

My Dream Job

Growing up, I had two hobbies: reading and writing. I would devour The Baby-Sitter’s Club, Sweet Valley Twins, The Magic Attic Club, The Boxcar Children, The Gymnasts, etc. (Quality reading, I know.) The maximum number of children’s books you could check out at one time was 10. Every Saturday, I would check out 10 books, go home and read the first chapter of all of them, then put them in alphabetical order and read those ten books by the time the next Saturday rolled around.

I had notebook after notebook filled with potential stories. I’m always way more interested in creating characters and setting up their backgrounds than actually writing the stories. I wish there was a job market for that! I would get the 5-subject notebooks so I could create 5 different stories. Every once in a while I would actually begin to write the stories and I finished a few (pretty lame) ones.

I’ve never been able to stop reading and writing. Although, with this semester, I haven’t opened up a story in months which is very rare for me and I’m just itching to return to it. I read about 2 novels a week and I’m still a big fan of the library. (Why pay for books when I can get them for free?) I love perusing bookstores as well, but there’s just something special about libraries for me. They hold a unique place in my heart.

When I was younger, there was never a doubt in my mind that one day I would be a published author. I didn’t know if I would write children’s books or adult fiction, but I did know I would write. I would marry and become a stay-at-home mom, writing in my spare time. I never had illusions of being famous but knew I had millions of stories floating around in my head that needed to be told. I would tell them and all of my dreams would come true.

I now know it’s not that easy. Breaking into the publishing world is hard. Writing an entire novel that grips people from start to finish, develops characters successfully, and instills the right visual imagery? Even harder. I don’t have grand illusions anymore that writing novels can become a full-time job for me. I know that even published writers work other jobs, or their husbands work overtime or second jobs to keep food on the table.

But the drive is still in me. I know I have what it takes to become a writer, even though I’m not freelancing as much as I should, going to writing conferences, or even writing for my school newspaper. These are all things that aid writers in furthering their careers and gain them positive experience in the writing field. I need to be doing these things.

I still have ideas that are itching to get out. I have so many stories that need to be told. God has just totally laid it on my heart that He wants me to glorify Him in this way. (Or maybe it’s just MY will.) Once I started my journalism path, I felt that I was living in God’s will for the first time in a long time. I wasn’t stumbling as much as I used to and when I got kicked down, it was easier to get up.

I’m on the right path. Now it’s just up to me to start turning down the right roads that will lead me to the published path.

Categories: About Me

Trust

It should come as no shock that I have a hard time trusting people. I think it all boils down to the age-old nature vs. nurture debate. In reality, I know it’s just my nature to be this way. I’m a very cautious person and I’m not a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. And I think my relationship with my dad and subsequent males has nurtured me to be even more cautious about what I share and to whom.

I don’t give my heart out easily. I have walls erected around this small, beating heart of mine that are higher than most people care to reach. I haven’t met too many people in my life willing to break them down. In fact, I find it pretty amazing that I’ve been able to share as much of my life with my co-worker, Stephani, as I have. She doesn’t know the nuts and bolts of everything I deal with but she knows a lot. The fact that she even knows about my dad is a big step in the right direction.

I’m just not the type to speak freely about my past experiences and my life. I’m very cautious about what I give away to other people. It takes a long, long time for me to talk to anyone about my life. Most people don’t know I have a terrible relationship with my father, or how much I struggle with sin. They don’t know how vast my love of football is or what ticks me off. I keep everything locked up so tightly inside of me. It begs to be let out but I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t put myself out there and let people know the real me. The real me is completely different than the person I appear to be. She doesn’t cover everything up with a joke. She has scary questions about her faith that never seemed to be answered in the Good Book. She has no self-esteem and struggles daily with thinking she’s never going to be good enough.

The thing is, God knows the real me. He knows exactly the girl I’m portraying to be and the girl that I really am. He knocks at my heart-door every single day, just waiting for me to take a chance on Him. But I’m scared. I am so scared of what putting my whole trust in Him will do to me. I’m so scared of how He will change me. I’m scared of not wanting to be this girl anymore. I’m scared that the plans I have for myself look nothing like the majestic plans He has created for me.

How does a girl with so many complex daddy issues like me put her trust in a God like Him? He becomes another father figure to me, although He is the Ultimate Father Figure. He promises to not let me down, yet I’ve never known a time in my life where a man hasn’t let me down. He promises to love me unconditionally, yet I’ve only felt conditional love from males. He promises to always be there for me, yet I’ve never known a man to keep his promises.

I know God is vastly different from mortal men. But until you struggle with the father issues that I’ve dealt with, it’s really hard to understand where this trust issue comes from. Even those who haven’t had a father figure. Sometimes I just wish my dad had left me when I was younger. I wouldn’t have had to deal with his daily berating of me, or his anger, or even the good times when I got a glimpse of what a good father is supposed to look like.

I want to put my trust in God. I want Him to have my heart. I want to know Him better and fall deeply in love with the Savior who died for me. I’m just at a loss for how to do that.

Categories: About Me

Facets of Me

I wasn’t looking forward to this semester. I remember coming home from work on my winter break, about a week before the semester was going to start up, and dread filling the pit of my stomach as I envisioned another semester of college. Fall semester was pretty rough and I knew I was probably overloading myself with Spring semester. I really had no clue how difficult this semester would really be. I had no clue how exhausted I would be. I had no clue that sleeping in on weekends would no longer be an option for me.

The truth is, I have to don a different hat at least 2-3 times a day. I go from one extreme to the other, with no time to rest or catch up. Emotionally? It’s exhausting.

Stephany, the Pre-School Teacher
I’ve been working at the preschool I’m at now for over a year now. The job has been good to me. It’s not easy but it feels like such an escape from my real life. I work with two- and three-year-olds and honestly, I love it. I love the funny conversations I have with the kids, the hugs and kisses they give me, and the challenges they provide me with. It is an exhausting job but it’s a good exhausting. I feel like I’ve been challenged in a different way that doesn’t involve school at all. I get to escape to a place where Dora rules the Universe, potty training is the biggest headache, and a hug can solve all problems. I say the words “my friends” and “potty” and “nice touches” more in my 5 hours there than I do for the rest of my day.

The hard part about my job is that I have to be fully committed. If I have an exam right after work, I can’t study for it during my time there. I start at 6:30 am and have at least 1-2 children there by 6:35 am. From then on, I’m preparing the classroom for the day, greeting kids as they come in, and making sure the kids are behaving. I have to be on the ball 24/7. My mind is constantly working and never slows down.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I leave work at 12pm. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I leave at 10:30am. And then I have 30 minutes (of which I’m driving to campus) to morph into…

Stephany, the College Student
I love being a college student. I love my campus, I love my classmates, and I love the challenges schoolwork brings me. But it can be really, really hard to switch off the mind of a teacher to one of a student. I have to forget about work and anything that stressed me out about it and focus on my schoolwork. I have to prepare myself for working on my magazine or studying for my next law exam or writing a paper.

This has become the biggest part of “me” lately. Because when I’m home, 85% of the time, I’m working on homework. I only have 4 weeks left of this semester, but I’m signed up to take 4 summer courses and then 4 courses in the fall, which will (HOPEFULLY!) be my last semester as an undergrad. This semester has been rough on me but I’m managing.

I have class Monday-Thursday. Monday, I only have one class at 12:30 pm and then I’m done for the day. On Wednesday, I have class at 12:30, internship at 2 pm, and then my night class at 6 pm. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have class at 11 am, and then I head straight to my internship at 1 pm. I only have 15 minutes between the end of my class to morph into…

Stephany, the Marketing Intern
I have to admit, I really love my internship. It doesn’t involve a lot of journalism but I’m learning so much about advertising and marketing and just theater life in general. I’ve been challenged and taken on fun projects. I was just given a project to work on yesterday that I’m super stoked about. I’m a quiet person in general and very quiet at my internship. I don’t engage in a lot of small talk and just get in there and do my job.

This place is just so completely different than any other area of my life. It’s so different from being a preschool teacher (MILES different!) and so different from my school life. This is a professional atmosphere with professional people. They are all busy, busy, busy preparing for the next shows and making sure everyone is happy. They’re inspiring and I can’t wait to one day have the ability to have a fast-paced career like they have.

But it’s different. It’s a different atmosphere and I almost get an out-of-body experience working there. I have a cubicle that I share with the other two interns. I have a computer I work on. I even have a paper cutter all to myself! (Don’t be too jealous.) It’s fun stuff. But once I leave this place (at least on Tuesdays and Thursdays), I get to be the person I love most. I get to be…

Stephany, the Girl
Stephany the girl is who I really am. When I’m just being me, I’m in my element. I get to be funny and sarcastic. I get to be serious and sensitive. I get to blog and read blogs. I get to laze around and watch TV. I get to run and do yoga. I get to play with my dog and get the sweetest puppy kisses. I get to mess around with my brother and play with my nephew. I get to listen to Christian rock music on full blast and shop for things I don’t really need. I just get to be me.

But maybe all these facets are just little pieces of me that add up to a whole Stephany. All of these things are growing me into the woman I will one day become. It’s been a challenging semester and I have stretched myself pretty thin. But I love it. I love the things I’m experiencing and the challenges that I’m being presented with. I love how much I am growing and maturing through this semester. I love how I’m existing on little sleep, though I know I couldn’t do this for the long haul. I love how busy I am. I’m finding my purpose in my life. I’m finding out just how strong I am. I’m finding out I am capable. I can take on challenges and succeed. Ultimately, I’m finding myself through this craziness.

Categories: About Me

Confessions… {Part 1}

I know. I said I was going to stop with the meme’s and weekly features. But I thought of this idea last week and thought it was fun so I’m trying it out. There are just some things you don’t know about me…

I’ve never eaten frozen yogurt in my life.

And I can’t say I’ve ever wanted to. When I think of desserts I want (especially cold ones), ice cream fills every spot in my mind. To me, yogurt is not dessert. It’s a necessary evil. And really, the only place I’ve been that serves frozen yogurt around here is Dairy Queen. So then it’s a choice: a delicious Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups Blizzard or a cup of froyo? OK. It’s never been a choice because froyo has never crossed my mind. But I’m determined to try it someday!

I’m a Florida girl at heart, yet I hate the beach.

I have never liked the beach. I mean, it takes so much to prepare to go. And then you need quarters. And then you have to find the perfect spot, away from the people who come just to drink and away from the ones who bring their eight children and friends. And then you have to set everything up and it’s always windy so it takes forever. And then you venture out into the surf, but it’s either too cold or you get a mouthful of salt water within 3 minutes. And then you get sand everywhere when you come back. And then you can’t read your book because the sun shines on it too brightly. And then you try to eat your sandwich or chips or whatever you bring and a whole tribe of birds (yes, I know it’s the wrong term!) comes flying in. (Once, I even saw a bird steal an entire half-sub from a guy’s hands. The whole thing!) And then you finally decide you’re done for the day so you pack everything up, wash the sand off, get into the car and get sand everywhere, get home, and realize you’re completely sunburnt.

Or…you can throw on a bathing suit, grab a book and your flip-flops and walk over to the pool – which is 2 minutes away. You can relax, swim a little in perfect-temperature water, and get a little sun. Ah, I love the pool.

I don’t love the beach.

I tried reading a novel by Jane Austen, but I got bored.

You can pick your jaws up off the ground now. I’m sorry. I tried. I really, really tried. But I just couldn’t get into her. I’m so used to my fluffy, nonsense chick-lit and romance novels and it her books are not light, fluffy reads! I have to really think when I read her books and right now, I just want some books to read when I’m taking a break from schoolwork where I don’t have to think. I can just read them and laugh at the corniness of it.

I do have a goal to read all of her books so I’m going to try to read them again. Right now, it’s just too hard.

Sometimes, I cry a little when I read articles in SHAPE magazine.

Some of the articles are really inspiring! But I usually only read SHAPE when I’m at the gym, since it motivates me to keep trodding on. So it’s a little weird to choke back the tears while on the elliptical. It’s usually the weight-loss articles that get to me, because I can totally commiserate with these people. I totally know what it’s like to struggle and to find people who manage to make it to their goal weight is awesome. Also, those mother-daughter stories and cancer-survival stories choke me up as well.

When I was little, I couldn’t wait to be a grown-up with my own place so I could leave a roll of cookie dough in the fridge to eat at my heart’s desire.

And even though Travis recently talked about how a certain type of E. Coli can lead to kidney failure and neurological damage, I still love that stuff. I know it’s bad for you so don’t leave me hate comments about it. But it is so gosh-darn good! (And yes, I still have this fantasy.)

What are some confessions you have? And did any of my confessions surprise you?

Categories: About Me

My 100th Post!

Wow, I can’t believe I’ve made it to 100 posts! I’ve had millions of blogs floating around the Internet in the past years but never have I had one like this. This blog has changed me and made me really focus on being a writer. And I try to be somewhat interesting!

Anyway, I asked my lovely readers to ask me questions and I got some really good ones! So here we go!

From Pia at Living PrImA: What is your most treasured possession?

Ever since I received this question, I’ve been thinking really hard about it. I really wanted it to be something meaningful but when I kept asking the question to myself, “What would just kill me if I lost it?” It boiled down to him:

And while I hesitate to call him a “possession,” I know it’s going to kill me when he passes away. He’s so much more than a dog to me. He’s like a boyfriend, baby brother, child, and best friend all wrapped up in one adorable package. I can’t wait to go home and see him whenever I’m away. I love how he cuddles right up next to me, to the point where it’s uncomfortable for me, because he craves nearness. I love squeezing his ears, especially when they’re cold. I love his kisses and the way he is the best cuddler I’ve ever met! I just love him.

From Rachael at Senorita Rachael: What is your favorite class?

Well, right now, my favorite class would have to be my News Editing class. The head of the journalism department teaches it and he’s scary and intimidating in a good way. I’m such a grammar Nazi and constantly edit conversations in my head but this class still challenges me and makes me think about grammar and editing in a completely different way. Editing is such an arduous process but completely necessary and it’s fun to learn what it all entails.

Of all time, though, my favorite class would have to be a tie between Psychology and a Classroom Management and Behaviors class. The first one I took while I was in high school (I took college classes for my last 2 years of high school so this was college-level psychology) and the teacher was so much fun and interesting! The information was intense but also extremely interesting, too. The other class was taken during my first semester in the College of Education and I met so many great friends through it and my professor was fantastic. If only she could have been my supervising teacher during my internships, I’m sure I would have passed with no problems! She always had the best stories to tell (she worked with 4th-7th grade for over 25 years) and all the projects I did were fun.

Rachael also asked: I know that your religion is important to you, do you have a favorite Bible passage? I could use a little inspiration.

Romans 6:6-7 which says, “We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin.”

First of all, how powerful is that last verse? It gives me chills. And it deals with a lot of what I’m dealing with lately, regarding my spiritual life. Right now, it’s an important verse for me to read and meditate on. Sin holds no power over me anymore. Love that.

From Emily Jane at Emily-Jane: What’s the biggest dream you hope to achieve in this lifetime?

My biggest dream should come as no shock to anyone: I want to get married and have babies! For me, this is what a fulfilled, happy life looks like. I want to wear a beautiful, white dress and have all eyes on me for one day. I want to experience the give and take a marriage takes. I want to feel life growing inside of me, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it may be. And I want to feel that feeling in the pit of my stomach when my child says, “Mama,” to me for the first time.

From Alyssa at My Husband’s Watching TV: Would you rather be invisible or have super strength? Why?

Both would be awesome in their own way. It would be neat to just be invisible when I’m feeling uncomfortable in a social situation or somewhere I don’t want to be. But then super strength would be cool, too. I mean, who would expect me to be able to lift a semi with my pinkie finger? So I would probably choose super strength, just ’cause it sounds cooler.

From Ashley at Industrious Me: What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re alone?

I love my alone time. LOVE. I crave it desperately and I really don’t know what I’m going to do when I’m married and have little rugrats running around because I love my alone time that much. Anyway, to answer your question, my absolute favorite thing to when I’m alone is reading. I just love getting into my bed, pulling the covers up, cuddling with Dutch, and reading for hours. It’s such an escape.

From Amber at Girl With the Red Hair: You are very close to your mom, what’s one thing the two of your completely disagree on or fight about?

We really don’t fight about much. We get along pretty well, especially for two women living together and spending most of their time together. Sometimes, I’ll say something mean that is supposed to be funny but just ends up upsetting her. Or I’ll have a moment where EVERYTHING is irritating me and I’ll just snap at her for no reason. Sometimes, our American Idol discussions can get a little wild and crazy if we don’t have the same opinion. But that’s about it. There’s not much we disagree with.

From Adrienne at Age of Reason: What has been the most defining moment of your 20’s?

I think there have been two. From a professional, career standpoint, it was changing my major from education to journalism. I have found so much happiness in this major change, even though I dealt with a lot of setbacks related to financial aid. But this is where I belong and I’m meant to be.

Another defining moment has to be the letter I recently sent to my father. After not speaking a single word to one another for over 2 years, writing that letter felt like a release. I love how I wrote it and how it turned out. My father’s response to the letter? Disappointing, sad, and completely what I expected. I’m currently formulating my response to it and trust me, it’s not going to be pretty.

From Mandy at Knowing the Difference: Which one post defines you the most?

No question about this one. It was definitely The Letter, which I wrote a few weeks ago. It was such a healing process for me to write.

From Meghan at Blog Voyeur Turned Blogwhore: What’s one thing we would be surprised to learn about you that doesn’t show through in your blogging?

I think my sense of humor doesn’t shine through as much as it does in my daily life. I’m usually serious, and maybe a little bit quirky, here but in real life, I conversate mainly in one-liners and sarcasm. I like making people laugh with comments I didn’t think were that funny but end up cracking them up. It takes me a while to get to the level of comfort with people where I can be sarcastic and know I won’t hurt their feelings with what I say. But yes, definitely my sense of humor. See? Even this answer wasn’t funny!

From Samantha at A Change of Pace: What type of career are you hoping to get into after graduation?

You see, I don’t really know. After taking a few classes, I know areas I’m not interested in: I don’t want to be a reporter and I don’t want to work with any type of design (AT ALL!). I’m really interested in the magazine world and the PR world. I would love to work for some type of ministry, such as Beth Moore’ Living Proof. I think it would be really interesting to work in a Christian environment.

I know getting journalism jobs is hard nowadays. So basically, when I graduate, I just want to have a job lined up and not spend the next year working at my preschool! I know I’ll have time to explore my options further as I gain more experience. And after working at my internship, working in an office with my own cubicle sounds divine! (And grown-up!)

Also from Samantha: We’ve learned a lot about what you’re looking for in a future hubby lately, and I’d like to know: What type of wedding would you like to have with him, and where would you like to go on your honeymoon?

Honestly, I’ve never thought about it. Sounds weird, right? I guess I’m more concerned and enthralled by the man I’ll be marrying than the one-day ceremony uniting us together. Sometimes I picture a traditional wedding, wearing a gorgeous white gown, in a church. Other times, I picture a more relaxed setting on a beach, in a flowy white dress and barefoot. Sometimes, I picture getting married in a picturesque location with breathtaking views and color-coordinated dresses and flowers.

I know I want a wedding. Every girl does, right? I want beautiful pictures to look at and that special day to remember. I want all eyes to be on me for one day. I want to see the look on my man’s face when he sees me walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress.

As for my honeymoon? I’m definitely thinking tropical. Hawaii is a pretty nice locale, don’t you think? Days spent relaxing by the pool, trying out different activities, and spending many, many wonderful hours in bed. (HEY! I’ll be married!) Oh, I cannot wait!

Thanks for all the questions and sorry if this got lengthy! I loved answering them.