Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

The Age of Fear and Anxiety

I would label age 22 as “The Age of Fear and Anxiety.” It held me captive, keeping me inside and sleeping away my life. I didn’t stretch myself to my fullest limits and let my anxiety to keep me from really living life. I let it keep me from believing in God’s promises and falling headfirst into a relationship with him. I let it keep me from enjoying relationships with friends, always worrying I was suffocating them with my presence and wondering what they saw in me as a person. I let it keep me from putting myself out there with my writing, going after freelance articles because I was too afraid of the consequences of not being good enough. The fear of failure and the fear of true happiness has crippled me. I don’t believe that there is an amazing plan for my life, because I’m too caught up in worry, anxiety, and fear.

I wrote those above words on Thanksgiving Day night. While I had a great holiday and left with a full belly and an even more full heart, I felt a tugging in my soul as I entered my apartment that night.

Next Thanksgiving, I want my life to look a whole lot different than what it looks like tonight.

I feel as if I’m living an endless cycle of mediocrity. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared of what could happen if I let go. If I start wearing my heart on my sleeve. If I submit articles for review. If I flirt back to that cute cashier at Publix. If I schedule a girls night out. If I join a Bible study. If I believe in myself.

I want this upcoming year to be a year of change. I did a lot of acknowledging the fear and how it was affecting my life in 2010. I want 2011 to be the year I put the change into action.

As of right now, here’s what I wish for 2011:

I want to be healthier. If this is the one goal I achieve in 2011, I will be happy because it has been an ongoing goal for years now. I want health and fitness to be my life, not just a part of it. I want my new normal to be exercise, wholesome food, and more water than soda. I want to be a runner and complete a half-marathon. I want a better self-image and part of that comes with taking better care of myself. I’m hoping this blog shifts a more healthy-living focus as I begin to make the change to being a healthier person. And I have to believe that being healthier will help me be happier.

I want to have a career. I am graduating from college in May and I’m a little nervous about the job market. I know it’s not easy to find jobs and probably even less so if you enter with very little experience. I just want to be out of the preschool world and into a more professional field.

I want to be independent. Once I graduate and have a job, I know my next big step is to move out. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I depend too much on my mom and I need to step out on my own. I need to have my own place, with my own responsibilities. It will give me an avenue to find my own identity separate from my mom. And force me to seek out social situations more and stop living inside my little bubble.

I want to be more social. I posted last month about how I am an introvert and find my happiness in being alone. But I also think I need to put myself out there more. I don’t really hang out with friends and although I’m never going to be one for the bar scene, I know there are plenty of other options for me. Book clubs, coffee dates, and shopping trips are among the many options available to me. While I’m more content to stay inside and keep to myself, I know I need to expand my horizons, just to see what’s out there.

I want to be a writer. I hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I hear of someone else doing freelance writing. The only writing I’m doing now is here on this blog and on Blissfully Domestic. I really want to do more with my writing (maybe even get paid for it!), but it’s a scary process to put yourself out there like that. I’m so afraid of failing, but I think I just need to do it. Submit some stories and see what happens. I’m pretty sure there will be few feelings in the world that compare to seeing my name in print. I’m determined to get to that point, even if it breaks me.

2011 is going to bring about a lot of change. Change is scary, hard, and messy. But change is inevitable and it is necessary. I’m ready for it. So long, 22. You were good to me, but I’m moving on to a better age. An age when I start believing in myself and enjoying the life I have been given. Hello, 23. I’ve been waiting for you.

Categories: About Me

Birthday Indecisiveness

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My birthday is a week from today. And I’ve spent this entire month trying to decide what I want to do. I’m usually not this indecisive when it comes to my birthday, but for some reason, I am this year.

I think the hardest thing about my birthday is that it’s on a Sunday. Sundays are not good for birthdays. I did take the day after my birthday off work, but I’m still not happy my birthday fell on a Sunday this year.

Basically, I don’t know what to do. I have two tentative ideas:

Idea #1: A Weekend Trip to Orlando
Friday night, my brother, my mom, and I (possibly my sister-in-law and nephew, as well) would go out to dinner at The Melting Pot (I’m still not sure a two-year-old could eat there…) My mom and I would leave on Saturday afternoon, check into the hotel, and hit up Sea World that evening. Sunday would entail one of the following theme parks: Islands of Adventure, Universal Studios, Disney World, or Epcot. I’m not sure which yet, but I could care less about the Harry Potter World. We would come back Monday.

The pros to this idea include a fun weekend away, where I could forget about all my school and work issues and just get away. SeaWorld has fun new holiday shows and I haven’t been to any of the above parks in years (I’ve actually never been to Epcot). Also, I love staying in hotels. It’s one of my favorite things.

The cons are that I have a test to study for and two papers to write, all due on Wednesday. This also means I wouldn’t get the camera I’ve been planning on for a few months now. Plus, my mom would have to shell out a lot of money for something like this (hotel stay, gas, two tickets to the theme park, food).

Idea #2: A Low-Key Birthday
This one would entail a trip to Target for a new camera, dinner at the same place on Saturday night, and hopefully my brother coming over to watch football with me the next day. A part of me wishes for a more exciting birthday, but it’s hard when your birthday falls on a Sunday.

The pros to this idea are that I get the camera that I really need, get to spend more time with my brother (and hopefully my sweet nephew!), will have plenty of time to work on my papers and study, and my mom wouldn’t spend as much money.

The cons are that it feels a little lame and I just feel like I’m being selfish with this decision. My mom would have much more fun with Idea #1. She wants me to do what I want to do, but I also want her to have a good weekend as well.

What do you think, readers? Help me choose! Leave your choice in the comments! I have no idea what to do!

Also, don’t forget to ask me a question for an upcoming vlog! You know you want to…

Categories: About Me

A Call For Questions

In August, I participated in VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August). There were a whole bunch of bloggers involved and it was definitely a neat experience. I wasn’t consistent with it and fell off the radar when my school semester began, but I still enjoyed it.

I’ve been wanting to vlog again, but have been racking my brain for how to incorporate it in my blog. And then I had a lightbulb moment: Q & A’s! Other bloggers have answered readers’ questions through their own vlogs, so I thought it would be perfect. (You agree, right? Right.)

So go ahead! Ask! Ask me multiple questions, ask me silly questions, deep questions, off-the-wall questions. Questions about my past, my life, my future. Questions about faith. Questions about writing. Questions about pop culture. Questions about school. Anything goes! (Just keep it clean. My family reads my blog.)

I can’t wait to read your questions!

Categories: About Me

Confessions, Part 3

1. My mom and I recycle all of our bottles, cans, and paper. Unfortunately, we also gather them up by putting them into plastic bags, which kind of defeats the purpose of recycling. Every little bit helps, right?

2. My dog’s stinky breath is one of the most comforting smell in the world to me.
3. My favorite dish when I was a young kid (talking ages 4-6) was black beans and rice. My best friend’s mom used to make it for me whenever I came over.
4. When I was in 8th grade, I walked by two siblings having a fight before school on campus. The girl saw me watching her and yelled, “Are you enjoying the show?” to me. I still don’t have a good comeback for this.
5. When I was in kindergarten, we had circle time and on Mondays, we would go around and talk about our weekend. One of my classmates told a story about going camping with her family and her sister getting a bug stuck in her eye that her dad was able to get out. If not, the bug would have sucked all the blood from her body and she would die. IS THIS EVEN TRUE?! Every time I get anything stuck in my eye, I worry about dying suddenly.
6. I really, really, really want a Snuggie. And I want to buy my dog one. You can unfollow me now.
7. One of my favorite movies of all time is Shawshank Redemption. I’m not sure why because it’s sort of gloomy and I’m not a gloomy movies type of person. But I love it.

8. There is no sport that fills me with such excitement and intense fear as football. Sometimes, I hate watching my own team (Miami Dolphins) because of how upset I get when they lose.

9. I love my short hair. But I want my long hair back.

10. The amount of cookies I have consumed in the past three months is sickening. As is the amount of cookie dough.

11. My favorite time of year is October – December. I hope I never lose my childish awe and excitement for the holiday season.

12. Being in journalism school has assured me that I want nothing to do with newspaper journalism.

13. I don’t like Chipotle. I went once and wasn’t impressed.

14. I wear my hair up in some sort of ponytail 95% of the time. I really can’t stand to have my hair in my face. or bothering my neck.

15. I am pretty much an expert at NFL football picks. I’ve beaten my brother (and my dad, when the three of us were playing together) 4 years in a row. (And I’m up 3 games this season.)

Categories: About Me

On Being an Introvert

When I was a senior in high school, my best friend called me boring. Boring. Essentially, it was a huge criticism and caused me to spend the next few years hating everything about the word. And hating even more that she was right.

I began to equate my quietness and introvertedness (that’s a word!) as being boring. I hated it. I hated that she was right and I was boring. No wonder I have a hard time making friends, haven’t been on a date in eleventy billion months, and hate everything about the social scene. It’s because I’m boring.

A few weeks ago, Emily Jane wrote an amazing post about introverts and why we struggle with being social. It was a real eye-opener for me to find out there isn’t anything wrong with me. I’m not weird, nor do I need to seek out a more boisterous personality. There were so many interesting tidbits in the post that I won’t begin to talk about them here. The main lesson I took away from it was that I become overstimulated by too much social time and I draw my energy from being quiet. It makes complete sense to me. I cherish my alone times more than my people times. If I don’t get at least a few hours of alone time a day, I get stressed and jittery. (This is why it’s probably a good reason I changed my major from education to journalism. And why I hated my teaching experiences so much.)

My mom and I are both huge introverts. We spend many, many car rides in complete silence. To some people, we may look like we’re mad at each other or barely know one another. But the truth is, this is just the way we were made. If you were to tape a sensor to my brain to spew out everything I was thinking during these “silent” car rides, I don’t even know how many pages you would fill up! When I’m quiet and seem withdrawn into myself, it doesn’t mean I’m not engaged. The opposite is actually true. My mind never seems to shut off and there is so much happening in my brain that it would probably exhaust an extrovert.

I’m beginning to embrace being an introvert. I love the fact that being shy and quiet is such a huge part of me because there’s nothing to be ashamed of! While I would love to have more of my dad’s extroverted personality where he could get anyone and everyone to open up to him and become his best friend justlikethat, I realize it’s OK if I don’t. There are downsides to being so quiet and shy, mainly that it takes me forever to open up to people and let myself enjoy where I’m at. I worry too much about what people think of me. I can’t do small talk for anything. And I cringe at the thought of a car ride with someone I barely know.

But I need to stop worrying about that because it hasn’t gotten me anywhere in the past few years. I’m shy. Incredibly so. I’m quiet, to the point you may think I’m snobbish. (I promise I’m not.) Some may call me boring. So what? It’s who I am. I need to embrace it.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?