Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

You’re Not Enough For Me

The last time I posted about my faith was August 11. Almost two months ago. And since I’m not one to sugarcoat things, especially in regard to faith and spirituality, let’s just say I seem to have “broken up” with God these past few months. While I have prayed my heart out during my mom’s ER visit, my ER visit, and my grandma’s cancer results, I’m becoming That Girl. The Girl Who Prays When Things Are Bad, But Forget About God When Things Are Good. (And doesn’t that label just fall off your tongue?)

Things haven’t been great. I’ve been “too busy” for quiet time, “too busy” to pray, “too busy” to really spend time with my Heavenly Father. I’ve been to church once in two months. My Bible is collecting dust and I haven’t even opened my devotional book since late June.

I’ve been reading a book that has really opened my eyes to Jesus and what I mean to Him. In the story, the author personifies Jesus, making Him into a living, breathing human who is on a mission to show the heroine how much He cares for her. At first, I was turned off by the personification, but I’m growing to love it. I feel as if I’m learning so much about God through this story, much more than I ever have before. In one instance, He tells her to come to a church at a specific time. So she goes, but is so annoyed by the rain and being inconvenienced that she left after giving Jesus a piece of her mind. The next day, she confronts Him about it and he says, “Yes, that didn’t go according to My plan.” This line threw me for a loop. How many times do I let my own free will tear me away from Jesus’ plan for my life? How many times has God put me in the spot I need to be in at that very moment, but I let annoyances or circumstances lead me onto the wrong path?

I’m not following God right now. I’m buying into what the world is offering me. I’m letting it dictate my emotions and my worth. I’m finding solace and strength from social media and entertainment and not from the abiding grace of my Father. In a sense, I’m telling Jesus that He’s not enough for me right now. He’s not good enough for me. I need more than what He can offer. And how crazy does that sound? God can give me so much more than I need, so much more than I could ever hope for, so much more than I could ever expect. He can fulfill my every need. But I’m not letting Him. I’m hiding myself away, holding on tight to my heart so nobody can get near it to tarnish it. But my heart? It’s broken, it’s bruised, it’s beating to a slow beat. It needs the hands of the Greatest Artist to turn it over in His hands, wipe it off, and make it whole again.

Maybe I’m a slow learner. Maybe I need to make a few mistakes before I recognize the truth that is staring me in the face. God loves me. God cares about me. And God wants to be a part of my life. He wants to be a part of the joy and happiness, as well as the sadness and anger. He wants to clean up this mess I’m making of my life and turn it around. All I have to do is release this intense grip I have on my own life.

Categories: About Me

The Unbloggables

As you well know, I’m pretty open on my blog. I talk about a variety of topics, ranging from weight struggles to religion. I don’t play it safe most times and I really try to let you see my heart through my postings. But there are certain topics I will not talk about on my blog, the unbloggables. (And yes, it is a word!)

  • Family. While I’ll celebrate the good times with my family through blog posts, I will never air our dirty laundry to the blog world. I think it’s distasteful and when it comes to extended family, I don’t feel like it’s my story to tell. I have learned from hard experience that airing your family’s dirty laundry is never a good idea.
  • Work. I work at a preschool where I’m legally obligated to live by the axiom, “What happens at preschool, stays at preschool.” While I would love to show you pictures of these sweet munchkins who have completely captivated my heart, I can’t. And while sometimes I need a place to vent about workplace strife, I won’t. This is not the place for that.
  • Internship. I try to be as discreet as possible when I do talk about my internship, never fully delving into exactly where I work or the kind of work I do. A lot of it has to be kept in-house. Again, not the place.
  • TMI stuff. I don’t really enjoy reading TMI postings, especially sexual exploits and the like. There’s not too much happening in my life that would involve a TMI post, anyway. Unless we want to talk about having to go to the bathroom during the middle of a run or that very special time of the month. Not happening.
  • Politics. The big reason why I don’t talk about politics on this blog is that I feel so uneducated on the subject. I know talking about politics can bring the ugly out in some people and, honestly, my heart can’t take it. I take things way too personally so mean comments would destroy me. Plus, I like Obama and I’m not of the mind that bashing our president is helpful.
What are some of YOUR unbloggables? Does your list look anything like mine?
Categories: About Me

My Writing Niche

I’m 19 days into my Creativity Challenge and after a stellar first week where major writing was happening and I felt my writing mojo come back, everything seemed to come to a screeching halt. I don’t have any desire to open my writing, my thoughts are jumbled, and I feel like I’m slipping farther and farther away from being the writer I want to be.

I think the problem ultimately stems from the fact that I really don’t know what kind of writing I want to do. I flip-flop between Christianity and mainstream. From chick lit to romantic suspense to tween fiction. I feel like I have all these amazing ideas and all these amazing characters who want their stories heard, yet I can’t find it in myself to pick just one story, stick with it, and write.

If I were to just sit down and write all the story ideas that have been bouncing around in my head for the past few years, I’m sure the number would be in the 30s. Some of those stories are lame and I need to just trash them. Some of those stories would require hours and hours of research and interviews to make it authentic. Some of those stories seem so good, they make my head spin. And they all fall under some different type of genre.

For all intents and purposes, I want to write for a Christian publisher. I know the types of books I want to write will be centered around faith and the struggles that entail. I don’t want to write cheap Christian fiction, where the protagonist never seems to struggle much with real faith issues, such as purity and this tug-of-war played with worldly ideals. I want to write a different type of Christian fiction, something I haven’t seen too much in Christian novels.

Since that’s settled, I now have to figure out what story I want to write.

  • Do I want to write a chick-lit novel, which means writing with a lot more sass and humor than I usually do. My personality is perfect chick-lit, but honestly, I can never seem to get my sassy personality to show in my blog. I feel like I’m much more subdued and serious on my blog. (Am I? Or am I sassy?!) I have tons of good ideas for this one but I really feel that it takes a special writer to write good chick lit. And I consider good chick lit to fall under Judy Baer and Kristen Billerbeck’s stock. (And if you haven’t read a book by them, you are missing out.)
  • Maybe I want to write for a teen audience. Deep inside of me, tucked in a place that nobody gets access to, is this passion for teenagers. It’s a small flame and something I don’t talk about a lot. There’s just something about teens, especially ones who struggle with faith, that gets to me. If I wrote a book for this audience, it would definitely be a little risky since I want to talk about real issues that real teens face. I don’t want to sugarcoat anything, just because it’s Christian fiction.
  • There’s a part of me who wouldn’t mind writing a more romantic type of story, a la Denise Hunter and Rachel Hauck. A story with a more serious side to it, but devoid of all the cheesiness many romance novels have. Just a powerful story about redemption and love.

I’m still not sure what my niche is. And I’m not sure how I can keep writing if I don’t know this very vital part of my writing. But I do have a more concrete idea of what three genres interest me the most.

Now it’s up to me to just write. I have stories. I have an abundance of stories. Now I need to dig through these stories and find the one that suits me the best and that I feel I can write the most honest about.

Categories: About Me

Operation: Love Myself

My nose is too big. My teeth are too small. My smile is too narrow. My belly curves too much. My collarbones don’t stick out. My legs are too short. My eyes are too small. My arms are too large. I slump when I sit. My eyesight is horrible. My hair is never smooth and straight for very long. My face resembles that of a fifteen-year-old.
I’m constantly worrying about getting the pregnancy question when people look at my belly. I’m horrible at small talk. I don’t fit in with any specific group. I feel uncomfortable in bars and clubs. I hold myself back. I fear change. I don’t believe in myself. I can’t take a compliment.

Bottom line: I don’t love myself.
When I look in the mirror, 9 times out of 10, I’m cringing at the way my hair has curled or the way my make-up has made my face look greasy or the way my body looks in that specific outfit.

Last week, Kerri wrote this amazing post on self-acceptance. Self-acceptance has never been something that has come easily for me. I was never the popular girl in school. I’m not the type of girl that gets a second glance by a guy. I’m not the one who can shine by herself.

I just feel so ordinary. So frumpy. So lost in a sea of beautiful people.

But I want to stop the negative self-talk. I want to stop dwelling on what I hate about my body and begin embracing it for what it can do for me. I want to look in the mirror and smile at myself, because I am me and nobody else in the world will ever have the same thoughts, feelings, personalities, and quirks like I do. There may be some things I can’t change about myself, since I would never undergo plastic surgery unless it was a necessity. There may be some things I can, by taking better care of myself. I was given this body by God. The man who created the mountains and the stars and the planets also formed me. He created me to be just the way I am, foibles and all. He didn’t want me to compare myself to other people, to wonder why I wasn’t good enough. He wants me to be confident in myself, sure of who I am in Him, and to shower love on other people.

I can’t shower love on other people, if I’m not even sprinkling any on myself.

I want to embrace my large nose, because I inherited from my dad’s side of the family. It’s German and it’s part of me. I want to stop worrying about my smile and just let a goofy grin slip onto my face, because I know it makes others feel good. I want to treat my body better so that belly curve doesn’t make me feel so self-conscious any more, but know that it’s what is inside me making me beautiful, not a flat tummy. I want to embrace my short legs because they are powerful and can do amazing things, like run a mile and endure a 30-minute Jillian Michaels workout. I want to embrace these arms, though they may be large, because they have the power to calm a child down, sooth a baby, and lift heavy weights. I want to stop dwelling on my terrible eyesight which requires me to wear glasses or contacts, because it’s just another thing linking me to the women in my family. I want to love my hair that will never be as silky smooth as a movie star’s, because it’s still beautiful and it’s still part of me. I want to take better care of my body to clear up my face, but not worry that a pimple here and there has any effect on my outward attitude.

I want to love myself. I want to love every aspect of me. I want to love the good and the bad.

So here goes. Operation: Love Myself. I’m going to stop with the negative talk. I hate when other people talk badly about themselves, so why should it be any different for me? I need to learn how to become my own best friend. I need to love me.

Categories: About Me

The Preppy Mafia Award

I love awards of any kind so I was super happy when the awesome Krysten gave this award to me last week! And it came with a fun survey to complete!

1. Who is your style icon? I honestly don’t have one. I don’t really look to Hollywood style icons for how I dress, or want to dress. I will say that I adore Kerri’s blogging style, the way she dresses, and the way she writes. I think she’s fabulous, actually.

2. Which is your favorite socialite book? What’s a socialite book?

3. Favorite party theme? This is a tough one for me. I don’t throw or attend many parties. I do like the annual Superbowl party my mom and I throw! Great food, great company, and best of all, great football.

4. Go to Halloween costume. Again, tough question. I’m not big on Halloween…it’s just not one of my favorite holidays. I always wanted to be a 50’s girl, though!

5. Extravagance you cannot live without? Oh, definitely my hair appointments. I go about every 2 months and it ranges from $50-$120 a visit. But, man, I love those visits and having beautiful hair!

6. Living person you admire? My mom and my grandma, hands down. They are two inspirational women who are the best support system to me. They are amazing.

7. Greatest fear(s)? Tarantulas, loved ones dying, death.

8. Traits you deplore in yourself? I really wish I was more outgoing and personable. I can be very shy, which comes off as snobbish. And I’m not a people person, at all. I wish I was. But I’m not.

9. Which talent would you most love to have? I would love to be a people person! Sometimes I am, but the most part, I’m not.

10. Greatest achievement? This semester! Graduating with my A.A. degree at 18, even if I haven’t done much since then. Running a 5K.

And now I have to pass this award on. Here’s to five fabulous bloggers: Emily Jane, Samantha, Hannah Katy, Kelly, and Melissa!