Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Operation: Love Myself

My nose is too big. My teeth are too small. My smile is too narrow. My belly curves too much. My collarbones don’t stick out. My legs are too short. My eyes are too small. My arms are too large. I slump when I sit. My eyesight is horrible. My hair is never smooth and straight for very long. My face resembles that of a fifteen-year-old.
I’m constantly worrying about getting the pregnancy question when people look at my belly. I’m horrible at small talk. I don’t fit in with any specific group. I feel uncomfortable in bars and clubs. I hold myself back. I fear change. I don’t believe in myself. I can’t take a compliment.

Bottom line: I don’t love myself.
When I look in the mirror, 9 times out of 10, I’m cringing at the way my hair has curled or the way my make-up has made my face look greasy or the way my body looks in that specific outfit.

Last week, Kerri wrote this amazing post on self-acceptance. Self-acceptance has never been something that has come easily for me. I was never the popular girl in school. I’m not the type of girl that gets a second glance by a guy. I’m not the one who can shine by herself.

I just feel so ordinary. So frumpy. So lost in a sea of beautiful people.

But I want to stop the negative self-talk. I want to stop dwelling on what I hate about my body and begin embracing it for what it can do for me. I want to look in the mirror and smile at myself, because I am me and nobody else in the world will ever have the same thoughts, feelings, personalities, and quirks like I do. There may be some things I can’t change about myself, since I would never undergo plastic surgery unless it was a necessity. There may be some things I can, by taking better care of myself. I was given this body by God. The man who created the mountains and the stars and the planets also formed me. He created me to be just the way I am, foibles and all. He didn’t want me to compare myself to other people, to wonder why I wasn’t good enough. He wants me to be confident in myself, sure of who I am in Him, and to shower love on other people.

I can’t shower love on other people, if I’m not even sprinkling any on myself.

I want to embrace my large nose, because I inherited from my dad’s side of the family. It’s German and it’s part of me. I want to stop worrying about my smile and just let a goofy grin slip onto my face, because I know it makes others feel good. I want to treat my body better so that belly curve doesn’t make me feel so self-conscious any more, but know that it’s what is inside me making me beautiful, not a flat tummy. I want to embrace my short legs because they are powerful and can do amazing things, like run a mile and endure a 30-minute Jillian Michaels workout. I want to embrace these arms, though they may be large, because they have the power to calm a child down, sooth a baby, and lift heavy weights. I want to stop dwelling on my terrible eyesight which requires me to wear glasses or contacts, because it’s just another thing linking me to the women in my family. I want to love my hair that will never be as silky smooth as a movie star’s, because it’s still beautiful and it’s still part of me. I want to take better care of my body to clear up my face, but not worry that a pimple here and there has any effect on my outward attitude.

I want to love myself. I want to love every aspect of me. I want to love the good and the bad.

So here goes. Operation: Love Myself. I’m going to stop with the negative talk. I hate when other people talk badly about themselves, so why should it be any different for me? I need to learn how to become my own best friend. I need to love me.

Categories: About Me

The Preppy Mafia Award

I love awards of any kind so I was super happy when the awesome Krysten gave this award to me last week! And it came with a fun survey to complete!

1. Who is your style icon? I honestly don’t have one. I don’t really look to Hollywood style icons for how I dress, or want to dress. I will say that I adore Kerri’s blogging style, the way she dresses, and the way she writes. I think she’s fabulous, actually.

2. Which is your favorite socialite book? What’s a socialite book?

3. Favorite party theme? This is a tough one for me. I don’t throw or attend many parties. I do like the annual Superbowl party my mom and I throw! Great food, great company, and best of all, great football.

4. Go to Halloween costume. Again, tough question. I’m not big on Halloween…it’s just not one of my favorite holidays. I always wanted to be a 50’s girl, though!

5. Extravagance you cannot live without? Oh, definitely my hair appointments. I go about every 2 months and it ranges from $50-$120 a visit. But, man, I love those visits and having beautiful hair!

6. Living person you admire? My mom and my grandma, hands down. They are two inspirational women who are the best support system to me. They are amazing.

7. Greatest fear(s)? Tarantulas, loved ones dying, death.

8. Traits you deplore in yourself? I really wish I was more outgoing and personable. I can be very shy, which comes off as snobbish. And I’m not a people person, at all. I wish I was. But I’m not.

9. Which talent would you most love to have? I would love to be a people person! Sometimes I am, but the most part, I’m not.

10. Greatest achievement? This semester! Graduating with my A.A. degree at 18, even if I haven’t done much since then. Running a 5K.

And now I have to pass this award on. Here’s to five fabulous bloggers: Emily Jane, Samantha, Hannah Katy, Kelly, and Melissa!

Categories: About Me

My Dream Job

Growing up, I had two hobbies: reading and writing. I would devour The Baby-Sitter’s Club, Sweet Valley Twins, The Magic Attic Club, The Boxcar Children, The Gymnasts, etc. (Quality reading, I know.) The maximum number of children’s books you could check out at one time was 10. Every Saturday, I would check out 10 books, go home and read the first chapter of all of them, then put them in alphabetical order and read those ten books by the time the next Saturday rolled around.

I had notebook after notebook filled with potential stories. I’m always way more interested in creating characters and setting up their backgrounds than actually writing the stories. I wish there was a job market for that! I would get the 5-subject notebooks so I could create 5 different stories. Every once in a while I would actually begin to write the stories and I finished a few (pretty lame) ones.

I’ve never been able to stop reading and writing. Although, with this semester, I haven’t opened up a story in months which is very rare for me and I’m just itching to return to it. I read about 2 novels a week and I’m still a big fan of the library. (Why pay for books when I can get them for free?) I love perusing bookstores as well, but there’s just something special about libraries for me. They hold a unique place in my heart.

When I was younger, there was never a doubt in my mind that one day I would be a published author. I didn’t know if I would write children’s books or adult fiction, but I did know I would write. I would marry and become a stay-at-home mom, writing in my spare time. I never had illusions of being famous but knew I had millions of stories floating around in my head that needed to be told. I would tell them and all of my dreams would come true.

I now know it’s not that easy. Breaking into the publishing world is hard. Writing an entire novel that grips people from start to finish, develops characters successfully, and instills the right visual imagery? Even harder. I don’t have grand illusions anymore that writing novels can become a full-time job for me. I know that even published writers work other jobs, or their husbands work overtime or second jobs to keep food on the table.

But the drive is still in me. I know I have what it takes to become a writer, even though I’m not freelancing as much as I should, going to writing conferences, or even writing for my school newspaper. These are all things that aid writers in furthering their careers and gain them positive experience in the writing field. I need to be doing these things.

I still have ideas that are itching to get out. I have so many stories that need to be told. God has just totally laid it on my heart that He wants me to glorify Him in this way. (Or maybe it’s just MY will.) Once I started my journalism path, I felt that I was living in God’s will for the first time in a long time. I wasn’t stumbling as much as I used to and when I got kicked down, it was easier to get up.

I’m on the right path. Now it’s just up to me to start turning down the right roads that will lead me to the published path.

Categories: About Me

Trust

It should come as no shock that I have a hard time trusting people. I think it all boils down to the age-old nature vs. nurture debate. In reality, I know it’s just my nature to be this way. I’m a very cautious person and I’m not a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. And I think my relationship with my dad and subsequent males has nurtured me to be even more cautious about what I share and to whom.

I don’t give my heart out easily. I have walls erected around this small, beating heart of mine that are higher than most people care to reach. I haven’t met too many people in my life willing to break them down. In fact, I find it pretty amazing that I’ve been able to share as much of my life with my co-worker, Stephani, as I have. She doesn’t know the nuts and bolts of everything I deal with but she knows a lot. The fact that she even knows about my dad is a big step in the right direction.

I’m just not the type to speak freely about my past experiences and my life. I’m very cautious about what I give away to other people. It takes a long, long time for me to talk to anyone about my life. Most people don’t know I have a terrible relationship with my father, or how much I struggle with sin. They don’t know how vast my love of football is or what ticks me off. I keep everything locked up so tightly inside of me. It begs to be let out but I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t put myself out there and let people know the real me. The real me is completely different than the person I appear to be. She doesn’t cover everything up with a joke. She has scary questions about her faith that never seemed to be answered in the Good Book. She has no self-esteem and struggles daily with thinking she’s never going to be good enough.

The thing is, God knows the real me. He knows exactly the girl I’m portraying to be and the girl that I really am. He knocks at my heart-door every single day, just waiting for me to take a chance on Him. But I’m scared. I am so scared of what putting my whole trust in Him will do to me. I’m so scared of how He will change me. I’m scared of not wanting to be this girl anymore. I’m scared that the plans I have for myself look nothing like the majestic plans He has created for me.

How does a girl with so many complex daddy issues like me put her trust in a God like Him? He becomes another father figure to me, although He is the Ultimate Father Figure. He promises to not let me down, yet I’ve never known a time in my life where a man hasn’t let me down. He promises to love me unconditionally, yet I’ve only felt conditional love from males. He promises to always be there for me, yet I’ve never known a man to keep his promises.

I know God is vastly different from mortal men. But until you struggle with the father issues that I’ve dealt with, it’s really hard to understand where this trust issue comes from. Even those who haven’t had a father figure. Sometimes I just wish my dad had left me when I was younger. I wouldn’t have had to deal with his daily berating of me, or his anger, or even the good times when I got a glimpse of what a good father is supposed to look like.

I want to put my trust in God. I want Him to have my heart. I want to know Him better and fall deeply in love with the Savior who died for me. I’m just at a loss for how to do that.

Categories: About Me

Facets of Me

I wasn’t looking forward to this semester. I remember coming home from work on my winter break, about a week before the semester was going to start up, and dread filling the pit of my stomach as I envisioned another semester of college. Fall semester was pretty rough and I knew I was probably overloading myself with Spring semester. I really had no clue how difficult this semester would really be. I had no clue how exhausted I would be. I had no clue that sleeping in on weekends would no longer be an option for me.

The truth is, I have to don a different hat at least 2-3 times a day. I go from one extreme to the other, with no time to rest or catch up. Emotionally? It’s exhausting.

Stephany, the Pre-School Teacher
I’ve been working at the preschool I’m at now for over a year now. The job has been good to me. It’s not easy but it feels like such an escape from my real life. I work with two- and three-year-olds and honestly, I love it. I love the funny conversations I have with the kids, the hugs and kisses they give me, and the challenges they provide me with. It is an exhausting job but it’s a good exhausting. I feel like I’ve been challenged in a different way that doesn’t involve school at all. I get to escape to a place where Dora rules the Universe, potty training is the biggest headache, and a hug can solve all problems. I say the words “my friends” and “potty” and “nice touches” more in my 5 hours there than I do for the rest of my day.

The hard part about my job is that I have to be fully committed. If I have an exam right after work, I can’t study for it during my time there. I start at 6:30 am and have at least 1-2 children there by 6:35 am. From then on, I’m preparing the classroom for the day, greeting kids as they come in, and making sure the kids are behaving. I have to be on the ball 24/7. My mind is constantly working and never slows down.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I leave work at 12pm. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I leave at 10:30am. And then I have 30 minutes (of which I’m driving to campus) to morph into…

Stephany, the College Student
I love being a college student. I love my campus, I love my classmates, and I love the challenges schoolwork brings me. But it can be really, really hard to switch off the mind of a teacher to one of a student. I have to forget about work and anything that stressed me out about it and focus on my schoolwork. I have to prepare myself for working on my magazine or studying for my next law exam or writing a paper.

This has become the biggest part of “me” lately. Because when I’m home, 85% of the time, I’m working on homework. I only have 4 weeks left of this semester, but I’m signed up to take 4 summer courses and then 4 courses in the fall, which will (HOPEFULLY!) be my last semester as an undergrad. This semester has been rough on me but I’m managing.

I have class Monday-Thursday. Monday, I only have one class at 12:30 pm and then I’m done for the day. On Wednesday, I have class at 12:30, internship at 2 pm, and then my night class at 6 pm. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have class at 11 am, and then I head straight to my internship at 1 pm. I only have 15 minutes between the end of my class to morph into…

Stephany, the Marketing Intern
I have to admit, I really love my internship. It doesn’t involve a lot of journalism but I’m learning so much about advertising and marketing and just theater life in general. I’ve been challenged and taken on fun projects. I was just given a project to work on yesterday that I’m super stoked about. I’m a quiet person in general and very quiet at my internship. I don’t engage in a lot of small talk and just get in there and do my job.

This place is just so completely different than any other area of my life. It’s so different from being a preschool teacher (MILES different!) and so different from my school life. This is a professional atmosphere with professional people. They are all busy, busy, busy preparing for the next shows and making sure everyone is happy. They’re inspiring and I can’t wait to one day have the ability to have a fast-paced career like they have.

But it’s different. It’s a different atmosphere and I almost get an out-of-body experience working there. I have a cubicle that I share with the other two interns. I have a computer I work on. I even have a paper cutter all to myself! (Don’t be too jealous.) It’s fun stuff. But once I leave this place (at least on Tuesdays and Thursdays), I get to be the person I love most. I get to be…

Stephany, the Girl
Stephany the girl is who I really am. When I’m just being me, I’m in my element. I get to be funny and sarcastic. I get to be serious and sensitive. I get to blog and read blogs. I get to laze around and watch TV. I get to run and do yoga. I get to play with my dog and get the sweetest puppy kisses. I get to mess around with my brother and play with my nephew. I get to listen to Christian rock music on full blast and shop for things I don’t really need. I just get to be me.

But maybe all these facets are just little pieces of me that add up to a whole Stephany. All of these things are growing me into the woman I will one day become. It’s been a challenging semester and I have stretched myself pretty thin. But I love it. I love the things I’m experiencing and the challenges that I’m being presented with. I love how much I am growing and maturing through this semester. I love how I’m existing on little sleep, though I know I couldn’t do this for the long haul. I love how busy I am. I’m finding my purpose in my life. I’m finding out just how strong I am. I’m finding out I am capable. I can take on challenges and succeed. Ultimately, I’m finding myself through this craziness.