Stephany Writes

Categories: Life

The Rent vs. Buy Conundrum

Earlier this year, I started touring apartments. I was so ready to move out of my tiny, 515-square-foot apartment and into something bigger and more updated. Unfortunately, those apartment tours were pretty disappointing.

The apartments themselves were gorgeous! I loved the spacious floor plans, closet space, and beautiful kitchens. I imagined having space for a dining room table and more bookcases and plenty of spots for the cats to roam. But I started seeing a trend as I talked with the leasing agents further about prices. For all of the apartments I viewed, I couldn’t find anything that was less than $1,300 a month. That was way above my budget: I was hoping to pay around $1,100 a month.

It made me wonder: Why should I pay so much money in rent every month? Would it make more sense to stay in my tiny apartment for another few years and save up to buy a house or condo?

I want to pause here and say that even entertaining the idea of owning a home blew my mind. Growing up poor and living with an addict who caused us to get evicted from multiple apartment homes, I never imagined this for myself. Being financially stable enough to even entertain the notion of owning a home is mind-blowing to me.

I spent a lot of time thinking about the potential of owning a home. I talked it over with my mom and with friends. I scoured articles about saving for a home. I learned about home loans and closing costs and mortgage insurance. I went back and forth between owning a condo (less maintenance!) and owning a house (more privacy!). I even started saving, setting up a savings account specifically titled “House Fund.” It all felt very grown-up and important and exciting.

My plan was this: I would stay in my apartment for another 2-3 years. I would start aggressively saving for a down payment on a house or condo, upwards of $500 a month (or more, if possible). Continuing to live in my tiny, outdated apartment wasn’t ideal but it would all be worth it in the end because I’d have something that was fully mine. I would get to mark something off that big adult to-do list that I never thought was possible: homeownership.

At the beginning of June, I received my lease renewal from my leasing office. The good news was that my rent wasn’t going up at all. Yay! I prepared myself to sign another lease renewal… but something made me stop and think about it. Could I really see myself living in this tiny space for another year? Did I actually want to do that?

These questions were falling during a really weird time, too. I’m spending a lot more time at home now than I was earlier in the year when I started bouncing around the idea of staying put and saving for a house.

I’ve been working remotely for three months, and it looks like this will be my reality for a really long time. (Which I’m so happy about!) But it’s starting to feel claustrophobic. I’m realizing just how tiny my apartment really is. It’s not serving my needs anymore, and I’m dying to add a few hundred square feet of space.

Plus, I was starting to consider the realities of homeownership (or even condo ownership) as a single person. With nobody else’s income, resources, or help to fall back on, what would owning a home look like for me? What happens when something breaks or I need an expensive repair? What about renovations? Where does that fit into my budget? And there’s no way I’d be able to put down 20%—I’d be lucky to put down 10%—so that comes with its own additional fees.

It was a lot to think about, and I started wondering if I was looking at homeownership with rose-colored glasses. While it seems like the path every adult should be working towards (especially someone like me, who doesn’t have any desire to move from this area), I wasn’t sure if it was really the path I wanted. Especially if it means spending another few years in my shoebox apartment.

So I started looking at apartments. Again. And I started finding apartments that were in my price range, even if they were at the tippity-top of it. One of the apartments I looked at had a beautiful sunroom with skylights where I could put my desk and have an office. The living room was three times the size of what I have now! It had an actual laundry room, not just a stackable washer/dryer stuffed into my walk-in closet. There were updated kitchen appliances and so! much! cabinet! space! It felt like a dream. I wanted it so, so much.

I started envisioning living in a more spacious place and having a new neighborhood to explore. It started feeling really exciting! (As did the process of moving, but that’s a topic for another day.) But it was also scary. I kept trying to figure out what my life would look like if I added $400 to my budget. It would be doable, but I would have to give up some things and tighten up my spending. And saving for a home would take me decades, most likely.

So then I considered Option B: exploring the possibility of renting a bigger apartment in the complex where I currently live. I absolutely love my current residence; it’s nestled in a fantastic, quiet community with incredibly friendly neighbors. While the parking situation and the gym might not be ideal, and the bustling road nearby poses a minor inconvenience, the rent prices here are simply unbeatable. I mean, I’m currently renting a cozy one-bedroom for just $866! Sure, it’s on the smaller side, but it comes equipped with a convenient washer/dryer and is pet-friendly – features that are hard to come by, especially at such an affordable rate.

A bigger one-bedroom would give me 200 more square feet of space, a dedicated dining area, and two extra closets. And a little laundry room! (The biggest one-bedroom would be my dream as it has a large den, which could serve as my office, but those rarely come available.) It would also only add $200 more to my budget.

I hemmed and hawed over this decision for weeks. I spent so much time thinking about it that I started to drive myself crazy. I had to make a decision by the end of June because that’s when I had to give notice to my leasing office if I planned to move. Everything felt heightened with June 30th fast approaching.

Honestly, when I started writing this post on Monday, I still hadn’t made a decision and I was thinking about writing this post to ask for advice. I was still completely confused about what to do.

But then it hit me: Why am I making such a big deal of things? The answer is right in front of me: I’m going to wait for a bigger one-bedroom in my current apartment complex to become available.

The moment I made that decision, I felt such a sense of peace and relief. I know I’m making the right choice. The smart choice.

Not only does this mean my rent won’t be increasing by too much, but it also means I can continue to save for a house. Not at the rate that I could if I stayed in my tiny apartment, of course, but at a higher level than I would if I went anywhere else. It just makes sense.

And so, that’s my long-winded way of saying that I am moving soon. Ideally in mid-to-late August, but whenever a bigger one-bedroom becomes available in my complex. And I’m not putting my dreams of homeownership on hold to do so. It’s truly the best of both worlds, and I’m excited to start this new chapter in my life. (But also: All advice about moving with cats is appreciated. Eeks!)

Categories: Life

The Coronavirus Diaries | Week 13

As I write this post on June 11, Florida has reported more than 11,000 new coronavirus cases and 350 deaths this month alone. It’s staggering. It’s tragic. It’s terrifying.

It’s hard to know if cases are going up because we reopened so early and so chaotically, or if it’s because more widespread testing is available, including at nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Maybe both factors are at play. But it can’t be stressed enough that this pandemic is not over. I see less and less people following proper social distancing guidelines and wearing masks when in public. A friend told me that her five-year-old was invited to a friend’s pool party. (!!!) Not to mention, the Republican National Convention is going to be held in Florida (biggest eyeroll ever) and you know Trump is going to want that center filled to the brim.

I’ve been hemming and hawing lately about getting a pedicure and a massage. Both are silly things to worry about when we’re in the midst of a global pandemic and racial justice movement, I know, but man, do I miss both of them. My feet are a wreck and my body feels stiff without the release of massage. I wanted to wait to see if case numbers increased after we reopened our stores and restaurants and salons, and now that I see the staggering numbers for June, I’m glad I waited. (I don’t regret getting my hair done because I felt like my salon took the right steps to protect their employees and guests. My next appointment isn’t until mid-July and I’ll reassess when the date is closer.)

The company I work for sent out a survey about our work-from-home program. As of right now, there is a target date of July 6th to start bringing people back into the office on a voluntary basis. I am really not interested in going back to the office, both because of the pandemic and because I enjoy working from home so very much. I really hope I can transition to a full-time remote worker. I’d love that. I’d be also open to coming into the office one day a week, but nothing more than that. But if I do transition to remote work, I really want to get a regular desktop computer with two monitors. Working off my laptop is fine, but not a long-term solution.

Speaking of computers, I’m still waiting for my replacement keyboard to come in. Argh! It was supposed to be shipped to the repair shop within 3-5 days, and now it’s been 10 days! Thankfully, I bought a wireless keyboard when this whole mishap happened, hoping I could hook it up to my laptop and use it. It didn’t work the first time I tried it, but I randomly decided to give it another go and IT WORKED. So now I can use my laptop (and have access to my work VPN!) and I am GLORIOUSLY HAPPY. Working on a tiny, outdated Chromebook was miserable. And I feel less crazed about getting my keyboard fixed. Yay!

In super exciting news, my library system is now allowing us to place holds again! I think they have been doing curbside pickup for a few weeks now (maybe for stuff that was placed on hold before the pandemic hit?), but now we actually have the ability to place holds and pick them up. Once my holds are ready, I’ll call the library to select a time slot to come by and pick them up (curbside, of course). I put five books on hold once I heard the news! I’m just excited to get back to my “normal” way of reading and not have to rely on my Kindle so much. This pandemic has shown me that I prefer a good ratio of print books and e-books. 50/50 at least, but more like 70/30. My ratio during the pandemic has been 30% print and 70% e-book and whew, I am ready for that to change!

I went to the beach last week, which is out of the norm for me even when not in a pandemic. Last Friday was a hard day (my dad’s birthday) so my mom took the afternoon off to spend time with me, which was so lovely. We decided to venture to the beach for a few hours and it worked out perfectly. It was overcast so the beach was not crowded at all and everyone was pretty far apart from one another. There were a few large groups, but nothing over 10 people. (It also made me realize: We should always sit at least 6 feet apart from people at the beach! Like, it’s crazy to me to not do that, pandemic or not. Get out of my bubble!)

I’m still so weirded out by this new reality of mask-wearing, even though I am 100% pro-mask. It’s just so strange, you know? To be searching Etsy for masks and to get in my mom’s car to see three masks hanging off her gear shift and to drive down the road to see someone wearing a mask while waiting for the bus. They’ve become so normal, yet they still feel so abnormal. I feel kindred spirits with people who choose to wear their masks and eye-roll-y at those who don’t. (And yes, I understand that wearing a mask isn’t possible for everyone and that there are real safety concerns for Black people wearing masks.) But I think most people just can’t be bothered, and that’s really unfortunate.

That’s where things stand with me and the state of coronavirus in Florida right now. It’s not looking good, but I’ll keep updating my notebook with new numbers and crossing my fingers we start to see improvements soon.

Categories: Life

The Coronavirus Diaries | Week 10

I feel like things have changed so dramatically from my last update. Florida’s been in the process of reopening for most of May now, and just about everything here is open—restaurants, hair and nail salons, beaches, public pools, gyms, retailers. Our local county is taking things one step further and allowing bowling alleys, movie theaters, and even tattoo parlors to open because, I mean, why not? Let’s just go hogwild here. (Sigh.)

Of course, everything that’s opened is open at limited capacity and with strict sanitation mandates in place.

It’s confusing, though, to know what to do personally. In what ways can I “reopen” my own life? As long as I wear a mask, limit contact, and wash my hands thoroughly, what’s okay for me to do? What’s irresponsible? Is it all irresponsible? Should I continue to stay at home, only going out for my weekly grocery store run?

Well, that’s not what I’ve been doing. Since my last update, I have:

  • Spent time with my mom, my brother, and my nephews
  • Gone to the hair salon
  • Went to a socially distanced book club meeting in a friend’s backyard

After spending Mother’s Day with my mom, I have continued seeing her. We’re meeting up once a week at her home to just hang out and order in dinner. It’s been so, so nice to see her again and spend time with her face-to-face. FaceTime is just not the same!

I went to my hair salon last weekend. They had strict procedures in place, which made me feel safe enough to go: waiting in the car until your stylist is ready to see you, everyone wearing masks, people sitting six feet apart while waiting for their color to process, etc. They were sanitizing like crazy and spacing out appointments so the stylist could sanitize their area after each client. I have really missed my hair appointments and I’m glad I was able to go and felt comfortable doing so.

But there is also a lot I haven’t been doing, like:

  • Getting a massage
  • Getting a pedicure
  • Going to a restaurant
  • Shopping at Target, TJ Maxx, Homegoods, the mall, etc.
  • Going to the beach or the pool
  • Going to my gym

I’m not planning on going to a restaurant anytime soon, and I think I’ll also stay away from shopping for the time being. You won’t find me at a beach when there isn’t a global pandemic, so I am sure as shit not going to one now. And as much as I want to go to the pool, I think I’ll wait until my mom and stepdad move into their new home this summer, which has a pool. (!!) My gym opened this week and I am very grateful that they are allowing people to continue to freeze their membership for the time being. I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet! How does it even work? They are recommending but not requiring masks, but I can’t imagine doing a workout with a mask on!

I really want a pedicure and I am craving a massage like mad. I think I’m going to wait another few weeks on the pedicure—I’d like to see what case numbers look like as more and more things open and people start to venture out more often. My massage spa is still closed for now and I haven’t heard anything about when they are going to open. I know they are making plans to reopen, but I’m encouraged that they are taking their time to do so. It means they are putting strategies in place and taking their time. If they open, though, I’ll probably book a massage.

And then I feel guilty about that! See what I mean?

Things are open and as long as I’m being as safe as I can possibly be while venturing out, shouldn’t it be okay to do so? But none of it feels okay. It all feels like a moral decision, and no matter what I do, I feel like I’m making the wrong choice.

Maybe it’s all about baby steps. Maybe it’s about venturing out to do one thing… and then a few weeks later, if everything seems okay, adding something else in. I don’t need to do it all at once, and I also don’t need to stay home indefinitely. As long as I feel comfortable and I wear my mask and the place I’m going is abiding by the proper protocols, it’s okay to venture out. At least I hope it is.

I’m keeping my eyes on case numbers, of course. But there have been a lot of articles recently about the misrepresentation of data in Florida. One of our data scientists who helped to create an online dashboard to easily access information about COVID-19 cases was fired from her job for allegedly not being willing to fudge the numbers to support Florida’s reopening. Of course, our governor (Trump crony that he is) says that she’s been fired for a history of insubordination. (Which makes me wonder: what insubordination? Refusing to manipulate data? Hmm.) It’s frightening, though, to realize that the data I’m looking at may not even be correct. Our case numbers aren’t going down at all, but they also haven’t gone up drastically since reopening. Then again, who’s to know if they are going up…

I’m still working from home, of course, and I haven’t heard anything about going back into the office. I know a lot of companies are keeping employees at home through the summer and even into much of the fall, and I hope the same is true for my company. I’m pretty sure it will be—they haven’t been too eager to get us back into the office. So I foresee another few months, at least, of full-time remote work, which I am oh-so-happy about. Getting all of this time with the cats has been the most amazing thing. I remember how sad I would get at the beginning of every day when I had to leave them! And now I don’t have to. Yay!

So, that’s where I’m at right now. Everything felt so strange and apocalyptic this time last month when everything was closed down and all we could think about was COVID-19. And everything still feels so strange with businesses opening back up. It feels weird to walk around my hair salon and see everyone in masks and weird to see restaurants with signs out front, “We’re Back!” and weird to feel like normal life is oh-so-slowly returning. I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet. I want to guard my weekends fiercely still, even as friends reach out to make plans. I don’t know if I’m ready for that level of togetherness just yet. It still feels scary to think about being around people, even with masks on. And I think there is a level of grief in that, that maybe I haven’t truly dealt with yet. The disappearance of feeling safe in public, at least safe from germs and infectious diseases. Thinking about packed spin studios and busy airports and crowded restaurants… it never crossed my mind to worry about getting sick from being in such close quarters with people. And now it’s all I can think about.

What a weird time to be alive.

Categories: Life

5 Things

I’ve seen this post floating around the blogosphere over the past few weeks, and I thought it might be a good exercise for me. (And maybe for you!) I believe this post idea originated here. To be honest, Florida is in this really weird state of flux, with things starting to open up. Along with beaches and restaurants, salons and spas are now able to open up. Obviously, with restrictions in place, but I do have to wonder if this is just going to cause a huge spike in cases. Time will tell, I guess.

Anyway, here are some of the things I miss, some of the things I don’t miss, and some of the things I’m grateful for in this weird COVID-19 state we are in.

5 things I miss…

Thursday night dinners with my mom – My mom and I had a standing Thursday night dinner date, and it was something I looked forward to all week. I worked from home every Thursday up until my company went fully remote, so it was a good way for me to get out and speak to a human after being by myself all day. I miss those dinner dates immensely, and can’t wait to have them back. Someday…

One-on-one friend dates – I miss reading dates with my friend A. and my monthly lady date with my friend B., and my weekly writing dates with M. I miss the pure pleasure of being with my friends. I miss their hugs, their conversation, the feeling of connection. I also miss book club and friend get-togethers, but those can also be emotionally taxing for me. There’s something about a one-on-one friend date that feeds my soul and I miss them so.

Massages and pedicures and hair appointments – Listen, I understand how “first-world problem-y” this is. It truly, truly is not something I need. But I do very much miss getting massages because they feel so good and help my sciatica pain. I miss pedicures because they are something fun my mom and I do together. And I miss my hair appointments because I love getting pampered and a fresh haircut makes me feel confident.

Traveling – I had two trips planned this spring, both canceled. My mom and I planned our yearly vacation, this time to spend four days in New Orleans, and we were also going to visit my family in Georgia for Memorial Day Weekend. I don’t think I’ll be doing any traveling in 2020, and that makes me really sad, even though I know it’s for the best. Hopefully, traveling will be something that feels safer in 2021!

Eating in restaurants – Ordering takeout is just not the same. I really miss the experience of eating in a restaurant: ordering a fun cocktail, trying an appetizer, eating something fresh and delicious. Of course, restaurants can often be triggers for my HSP tendencies, and that part I do not miss (the noise! the smells! the lights! argh!). But I miss the food part of eating in restaurants.

5 things I don’t miss…

Busy mornings – Gosh, I don’t miss those busy mornings of rushing around trying to get out the door by 7:15am. I don’t miss my commute, I don’t miss choosing an outfit and putting on makeup every day, I don’t miss doing my hair. I really enjoy my slow quiet mornings. If I wake up before my alarm, I’ll pick up my Kindle and read my book until it goes off. It’s perfect!

Working in an office – I’ve already talked about how much I enjoy working from home, but it really needs to be shouted from the rooftops. As a Highly Sensitive Person, a traditional office is draining on me. The fluorescent lights, the loud conversations, the cold environment (why are offices always so cold???), the need to engage in small talk. It’s not my favorite thing, is what I’m saying. I could handle it 1-2 days a week, but my dream would be working fully remote.

Driving – I don’t miss driving to the extent I used to do it. I have a 30-mile round-trip commute to work and then I was constantly driving all around my city on a daily basis. I don’t really enjoy driving and I don’t miss that aspect of life before COVID-19. (I also rather despise where I live when it comes to driving because it’s so complicated to exit my apartment complex! I have to turn right onto a busy road and then make a U-turn on that same busy road, and it’s a nightmare during morning/evening rush hour. Do not miss one bit!)

Hectic weekends – I try my best to guard my weekends fiercely, knowing I have limited amounts of energy and I want to make sure I have plenty of time to recharge my batteries. My natural instinct is always to stay home, but I also have major FOMO. It’s been a balancing act of making sure I have enough “me time” while also living life to the fullest. Staying inside all the time isn’t good for anyone’s mental health, you know? But my weekends before COVID-19 were more hectic than usual, and through this stay-at-home time, I’ve recognized how much I enjoy spending a weekend day fully alone. I don’t know what the answer is to this conundrum. Do I hoard one weekend a month to myself? Maybe. For now, I am truly enjoying these completely relaxing weekends with no pressure to be social and no FOMO to worry about.

Social anxiety – My social anxiety has been fairly dormant for the past few months, and that’s because I haven’t had to worry about the details involved with being social! There’s no worrying about trying to find a parking spot downtown, or feeling uncomfortable in a loud restaurant, or having to be bright and bubbly around a group of people. It is so, so nice to let go of my typical social anxiety worries for right now.

5 things I’m grateful for…

Job security – I am so grateful to have a job in this environment. Every time I see the job loss claims report, my heart breaks. This pandemic has affected so many jobs and businesses. I’m thankful that my company has been able to pivot and offer much-needed services to our clients during this time to keep their businesses running smoothly. And I’m grateful to have a job—and one that I genuinely enjoy!—during this time.

Disposable income – I’m grateful that this pandemic has not hurt me financially. I’m grateful that I can order takeout when I want and giving the delivery driver an extra-large tip isn’t a burden on me. I’m grateful that I can use this time to save money—money that may have gone to travel or hair appointments or shopping for clothes.  I’m grateful I can spend more money at the grocery store and not feel the hit to my wallet. I recognize my immense privilege in all of this. I don’t take any of it for granted.

The girls – I mean, duh. I am just so grateful I have these fun, silly, adorable kitties to keep me company. I love how Ellie meows at me when I get up from my desk as if to ask me if I’m done with work and it’s time to play. I love the way Lila runs around the apartment, swatting toys. Sometimes, I think about what would have happened if Coronavirus had struck in 2018, as it would have happened mere months after I lost Dutch. A time when I couldn’t imagine adding another pet to my life. I would have been so depressed! The girls are such good company and make these long, lonely days so much better.

Books – Man, am I so glad to have books right now. I’m glad I have a bookshelf full of books to read, as well as a Kindle stocked with e-books I’ve downloaded for cheap months or years ago. And, of course, the library! Where would we be without Libby? I’m so glad for a robust digital catalog of e-books to download, many available with no wait. Books have kept me sane throughout this whole pandemic, and I’m so glad for so many resources to pull from.

Stable mental health – This may seem like a contradictory point, as I have mentioned my up-and-down anxiety levels over this time, but the anxiety feels pretty normal for what we’re facing. It’s just typical anxiety that anyone going through a global pandemic would experience. I’m not crying every day (I’ve cried once in the past two months) and I’m not feeling overly emotional about every little thing. Sure, there have been days when my anxiety feels overwhelming. When that happens, I utilize my anxiety toolkit. This includes reminding myself of the things within my control, staying focused in the present moment, and meditating. I’ve done a lot of work to get to this place, and I’m proud that I haven’t felt completely out of control with anxiety, even during a global pandemic.

Tell me something you miss, something you don’t, and what you’re grateful for!

Categories: Life

The Coronavirus Diaries | Week 8

Today is Lila’s birthday! She turns two today, so now I have two little toddler kittehs on my hands. 🙂 I’m not making the mistake of trying to bake a special “cat cake” this time around. Yesterday, I picked up a can of wet food to give the girls for breakfast today and some mini vanilla cupcakes for tonight, so we’re all set on the birthday celebration! Yay! I know I’m crazy about these birthday celebrations, but birthdays are so special to me!

Currently, Florida is in Phase 1 of reopening. We have reopened beaches, public pools, and state parks. Restaurants and retailers are also open at 25% capacity. Non-essential medical services have resumed. Bars, gyms, and salons are still closed. All schools are online for the remainder of the school year, visits to retirement facilities are prohibited, and travel is still highly discouraged.

I’ve been keeping a list of the reported cases in Florida (because I’m just that obsessed) and we’re still in the 500-1,000 range for daily reported cases. I can only imagine that’s going to increase with these reopenings, but we’ll see. Right now in my county, people can get tested for free, even if they’re not showing symptoms, which is a very good thing! We need this option to get an accurate look at how these reopenings are affecting cases. My plan is to stay away from restaurants, retail stores, pools, and my gym for the foreseeable future. Through May and probably also through June.

Salons and spas can reopen in Phase 2 and at 75% capacity (which sounds crazy high to me!), and that’s where I become less sure of what to do. My body is craving a massage and my hair is craving fresh color and trim, but none of these are essential needs. Of course they’re not! But if my hair salon opens up and my massage spa does as well, then I have some big choices to make. It’s really a wait-and-see game since we just started Phase 1. I know my salon is planning a soft opening when they do open up. (I’m not exactly sure what that entails just yet.) Thankfully, these aren’t decisions I have to make any time soon. Even if my salon/spa can open back up in May, I’ll probably wait until at least June to even think about scheduling an appointment. Or maybe later, depending on how this pandemic is looking with all these reopenings.

I’ve been saying this to people a lot, but I really think I’m going to need a gradual return to normal life when all of this is over. I’m still pretty anxious when I’m away from home. Last weekend, I went to a friend’s surprise birthday celebration (socially distanced, in a backyard, etc.), and I was out of my apartment for about two-and-a-half hours and I was wiped by the time I came home. I mean, part of it probably had to do with being outside (Florida, why must you be so damn hot in early May?), but I’m also not used to being social for that long anymore. I was strugglin’. My body has become very used to being at home and my mental health, too. I feel less stressed out, and I just love not having any plans and not feeling guilty for not having any plans. Don’t get me wrong—I miss meeting friends for dinner, spending time with my mom, and just strolling through TJ Maxx and Homegoods for nothing in particular. But it’s also really nice to be a full-on hermit right now, and my body’s going to need to slowly get back to its normal social pace.

I’m going to see my mom for Mother’s Day. I’ve thought long and hard about this decision, and it feels like the right choice. I need to see my mom. I’ve never gone this long without seeing her, and it feels unnatural. I also can’t imagine not visiting her on Mother’s Day. (And it’s a really hard day for her, too, ever since Grandma died.) We won’t be going to a restaurant or anything—we’ll order in and keep things as safe as possible. We’ve both been super careful over these past two months, neither of us is high-risk, and we’ve both been healthy throughout this pandemic. Could either of us be asymptomatic? Yup! We definitely could. But I truly believe we are both fine and we will be fine. Maybe you have strong opinions about this decision, but unless you also have been totally, completely alone since March, I don’t know if I’m interested in hearing them. If you’ve spent this pandemic with a partner or roommate or children, it’s hard to express how difficult it is to spend all day, every day without human contact or connection (unless it’s through video chats or social media, which is not the same). Humans are not designed for this level of seclusion, and it’s been hard on my mental health. I need to see my mom on Mother’s Day—and not through a screen.

My sleep has been a bit wacky for the past week, and I’m not really sure why. I’m taking 5mg of melatonin every night and meditating, but I’ve been having trouble falling asleep and then also waking up with panic in the middle of the night. And then Wednesday night, the girls decided to be all sorts of crazy. They were running all around the apartment and Lila kept jumping on me and gnawing on my fingers. It was the weirdest thing because they’re usually pretty calm and low-key at night. Sometimes I hear them playing, but it’s never enough to fully wake me up. There was also cat puke in my bathroom, ugh. Maybe they polished off my six-pack of White Claws and had themselves a night of debauchery?! 😉 Who knows? I hope I can start sleeping well again. I miss when sleep came easy for me!

I decided not to set any goals for May because I didn’t exactly kill it with my April goals. I think this is just a time to put my goals to the side. I mean, I’m living through a global pandemic. I think I’ve earned the right not to set goals! I want to try to keep up with my workouts and I’d like to devote some time to working on my novel (outside of my weekly Zoom writing date with my friend, M.), but honestly, that’s about it. And that’s enough for me.

So that’s where I am this week. My mental health ebbs and flows, and I feel like I’m on a downward trend right now. But that’s okay. It’s normal. I’m reaching out to my people, giving myself tons of grace, and letting myself feel all my feels. And that’s all I can ask for myself.

Tell me how you’re doing! Has your state/province started any reopening processes?