We’re halfway through April! We made it, you guys. Now we just have to get through the second half. I don’t know what awaits us in May—will the country start slowly reopening or will our stay-at-home orders be extended? Every news alert seems to tell me something different so I’m just going to try to be patient and see what happens. I am heartened that things seem to be on the downward slope, at least for the states that were aggressive with early stay-at-home orders (looking at you, California). What this whole mess solidifies—not that I needed it solidified, mind you—is how terrible a leader Trump is. I mean, he’s more concerned about the number of people watching his press briefings than the number of people dying from COVID-19! It’s shameful and abhorrent and he has cost so many lives.

Last weekend was a tough one. The weekends typically are. There’s nowhere to go, nobody to see, nothing to do. I took my weekly grocery store trip and had a short Zoom chat with my book club ladies, and that was about it for me. Sunday was particularly hard since it was Easter and I was really sad not to see my family that day. I had a terrible night of sleep—didn’t fall asleep until after 3 a.m. and then was up at 6 a.m.—and felt really anxious and irritable. I spent most of the morning and afternoon in bed, sleeping and reading, and then went for a walk in the afternoon. The walk helped a little but it was so hot. I looked at the temperature when I finished my walk and it was 91 degrees with a “feels like” temp of 99, thanks to the humidity. Welcome to summer, I guess? Oof. It’s back to early morning or early evening walks for me now.

After my terrible night of sleep on Saturday, I started taking 6 mg of melatonin around 8 p.m. every night and it has been magic. Previously, I was not able to shut off my brain to fall asleep. I was tired! I couldn’t even stay up and read. But once I turned out the light and pulled up the covers, my brain would start spinning at a million miles a minute. Somehow, melatonin has helped to shut off the crazy thoughts. I’ve also started doing a short meditation session (5 minutes) using the Smiling Mind app. It’s a free meditation app and I find it really helps to put me in a calm state of mind before I fall asleep. I’ve been sleeping wonderfully this week thanks to these two additions to my nighttime routine.

In real fun, of-course-this-would-happen-during-a-pandemic news, my washer broke last week. I’m not keen on having maintenance people in my apartment right now, especially because my place is so small, so I went over to my mom’s place this week to do a load of laundry. (She wasn’t there.) This isn’t the most ideal situation obviously, but it seems like the best solution I can come up with. It also means I get to see my fur-brother! I went weeks without seeing him and I was missing that little monster so very much. It was nice to have some playtime with him!

A friend asked me this week what, exactly, I am anxious about when it comes to COVID-19. It was such a great question! There is really so much to be anxious about, between worry about getting the virus itself, the economy, the medical community, essential workers, unemployment rates, and then my own little struggles. I’ll be completely honest here: I’m mostly anxious about how long the social distancing will last. Of course, I am stressed out about unemployment numbers and lack of PPE for medical workers and our economy. I am devastated by the deaths. But it’s easy to compartmentalize that—and it’s something I have to compartmentalize because there is literally not a single thing I can do about it. I can’t create jobs or miraculously find PPE. I can just do my part by social distancing, which I am gladly doing, but y’all, it is hard. It is hard because I am alone. I spend every single day alone, with only my cats to talk to. I get to talk to friends via Facetime and Marco Polo, but I haven’t hugged someone or been hugged in weeks. It’s lonely and isolating and I just want a hug from my mom more than I want anything else in this world. The thought of our stay-at-home order extending through May is overwhelming and anxiety-inducing and stressful. If that’s what it takes to beat this pandemic, I will do it gladly. But I can’t help but feel incredibly anxious when I imagine another seven weekends of this isolation. I’m also very anxious about what the next steps are for reopening the country. There doesn’t seem to be any sort of solid plan in place and excuse me if I’m not feeling totally comfortable leaving this in the hands of Florida’s governor or Trump. Neither have shown to be particularly intelligent about the right pandemic protocols. So I guess, when it comes down to it, that’s what I’m anxious about. And as someone whose anxiety usually falls into the “catastrophizing future events” camp, it makes sense, you know? When I don’t know what’s coming next, my mind starts spinning and creating worst-case scenarios and scary situations.

I’ll also be honest that going to the grocery store where a good majority of individuals, including myself, are wearing masks doesn’t help my anxiety levels. I’m glad we’re all taking precautions, but it’s also frightening because it feels like we’re living in an alternate reality. I have to take a moment after every weekly grocery store trip to get my bearings and remind myself that this will not be our reality forever. Just for now.

And I guess that’s the lesson I’m taking from this week: Take every day one step at a time. Don’t think about the future. Focus on what’s happening now. And right now? It’s Friday. I have two of the most adorable cats in the world that I get to spend copious time with. The weather is beautiful and perfect for long walks. And I have a full pan of brownies that I baked just for myself. Good things are always around.

It’s starting to get to me. The loneliness, the isolation, the news, the way every day feels exactly the same. I’m struggling to figure out what work/life balance looks like when I’m stuck at home all day and logging on to work on the weekends doesn’t feel like such a huge commitment.

I’m sad because I was supposed to spend this week in New Orleans, far away from work and everyday life. I’m thankful that we were able to get the money back for the hotel and have a reservation credit for the flights that we have a full year to use, but it’s still one of those kicks in the gut. Traveling is most likely not something many of us will be doing this year. I know I don’t plan to travel at all—maybe a weekend away somewhere within driving distance if things get back to normal, but that’s the extent.

My office chair arrived on Friday afternoon, and it was super easy to put together. And now I can actually sit at a desk and work! Eloise thinks the chair is a new nap spot for her and has taken to using it as a scratching post way too often (argh!), but she is kind enough to let me use the chair to work when I need to. I really feel the difference in having a dedicated working spot. I’m trying to only work from this desk, not my bed or my kitchen island or my couch. It helps to keep things separated, you know? My bed is for sleeping, my couch is for reading, my kitchen island is for eating.

My anxiety has worsened this week. I have this persistent feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and it won’t go away. I still haven’t scheduled that therapy appointment because the devil on my shoulder is telling me it won’t help. Don’t I already know what I need to be doing? But no, no I don’t. Because I’ve never dealt with a global pandemic before. And I’m dealing with it while totally isolated from the world. I don’t have a quarantine buddy. I’m not even seeing my mom right now, aside from our regular Facetime calls, and it makes my heart ache.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m taking it all too far. You know? Most of my friends aren’t isolating at the level I am, and it makes me feel like a crazy person sometimes. Do I need to self-isolate to the extent that I don’t even see my mom? (I made the decision to isolate from her since she’s still going into her office and she’s around my stepdad, who’s a truck driver, on the weekends.) But I also see the actions of other people and I am just livid with the risks they are taking. I don’t care if you feel like you won’t get the virus—you can easily infect someone else! The way I see it, I can isolate completely. I can work from home and order contactless takeout and stay away from the people I love. I can wear a DIY mask when I’m at the grocery store and properly disinfect everything when I get home. I’m not on the front lines, but I can do this. I can play my part in flattening the curve. So maybe I am going “overboard” in some people’s eyes, but hey, I’ve always been a rule follower. And when this pandemic ends, I want to know I did what I could to help in the little way I can.

I’m still really enjoying working from home. Sometimes I miss getting dressed and putting on makeup and going into the office, and having a clear delineation between work life and home life. But mostly, I love that I can sleep in until nearly 8 every day (I’ve been waking up naturally between 7-7:30, which is so nice!) and work in comfy clothes and be with my girls every day. I love being able to open the blinds to have natural light in my apartment, rather than working in a cube farm with artificial lighting. I love being able to choose when I want to exercise, whether that’s in the middle of the day or right after I stop working. I haven’t worn makeup in four weeks and my face feels better than it’s ever felt. Who knew that caking my face in chemical-laden products was causing all of my skin problems? Heh. It makes me want to experiment with a no-makeup lifestyle when this is all over.

The cats seem to love having me home. At least, that’s what I tell myself. 🙂 They spend a lot of time sitting on the windowsill searching for lizards, a lot of time wrestling, and the most time sleeping. Eloise lives for her afternoon naps in the sunshine. She’ll stretch alllll the way out on the windowsill to get as much sunshine as possible. Lila’s very quiet during the day—she’ll play with Ellie and watch lizards with her, but she escapes under the bed for her naps. Every now and then, she’ll curl up on my bed or on one of the cat beds I have in my room. She comes alive at night. 🙂

I watched the entirety of Love Is Blind this week, that crazy dating reality show on Netflix. It was highly entertaining and I loved chatting about it with a friend who watched it with me. And now I’m catching up on the latest season of Nailed It, which is probably my most favorite Netflix original show. Please do yourself a favor and binge that show if you haven’t. It will make you laugh hysterically, which is what we all need right now.

I’m hanging in there, as best as I can. I desperately want to get back to normal life, but I’m committed to social distancing as long as we need to. I keep forgetting that Easter is on Sunday. Last Easter was spent enjoying a church service at a local park and then meeting up with my brother and his family at a crowded IHOP. I probably won’t do anything to celebrate this year, although maybe I’ll stream a church service on Zoom. And pick up some Cadbury Creme Eggs during my weekly trip to Publix.

Stay safe, friends, and let me know how you’re doing. <3

It’s week three—how’s everyone doing?

For me, things are very up and down. Sometimes, I’m A-OK and trucking along just fine. Other times, I feel crippled by anxiety. I find myself catastrophizing everything. I’m overwhelmed every time my phone pings with a CNN news alert. (I really should turn those off.) Life feels apocalyptic now, and I feel like we’re living in our own version of Station Eleven or The Dreamers. Only it’s not a novel. It’s real life, and it’s fucking scary. I’m anxious about the prospect of this situation lasting well into the summer. Virginia just issued a stay-at-home order that goes through mid-June, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Every day I wake up and it feels like there’s no possible way this is our reality. Has the world really shut down completely because of a virus? And then it hits me that this is our life now and we don’t know when things will go back to normal. It’s like getting blasted with cold water every morning.

Usually, I’m okay, but sometimes, I’m really, really not. This may be the kind of situation I’ve been “training” for all my life as an introvert, but I much preferred having the choice to stay home. There’s no freedom when the choice is taken away.

I’m in a very privileged position, though, and that’s something I am trying not to take for granted. I have a job and it’s one I can easily do at home. I genuinely enjoy being home alone and haven’t been too bothered by the isolation. I don’t have kids to entertain or high-risk family members to worry about. I have two adorable and fun cats to play with and pet and snuggle when I’m feeling lonely. I have a support network, people who check in with me, and video dates that help me feel connected to my people. The weather has been beautiful here in Florida, so I can get out for walks and feel the sunshine on my skin. My finances are going to be in a better place from this because I’m not traveling or shopping or eating out as much. If I do somehow contract this virus, I will be okay as I have a healthy immune system and no underlying conditions.

My brother has taken to checking in on me and my mom every few days, which is really sweet of him. He’s still working (he delivers furniture), although he’s now leaving the furniture at the door and not going into customers’ houses. But at least he’s still able to work during all of this! My sister-in-law, bless her heart, is somehow navigating working full-time, taking care of two kids, and making sure my older nephew gets his schoolwork done.

My stepdad is still working, too. He’s a truck driver so it’s not like he can’t be working right now. He’s probably who I’m most worried about because he’s on the cusp of being high-risk, but he also takes good care of himself so I just pray he stays healthy.

Our governor finally issued a stay-at-home order. It starts tonight at midnight and runs through May 3rd. So at least that’s something, although his lack of response to this virus is appalling. Well, everything he does is appalling but that’s a discussion for another time.

I’m trying to take things day by day and to give myself grace when some days feel harder than others. The last two days have been really difficult for me and I feel myself wanting to push through the anxiety and pretend everything is okay. What right do I have to be broken down by my anxiety when others are on the front lines and dealing with so much worse shit? Then again, I’m also a human whose everyday life is being affected. We all are affected by it, some in big ways and some in small ways. This is traumatic for all of us. This is a global crisis. And it’s okay to feel your feelings. It’s okay for everyday tasks to feel harder and to be more emotional than usual and to have trouble focusing on work.

So that’s where I am now, on week three of this upside-down world. Good things from this week: getting a desk (an office chair will be delivered Friday), Love is Blind on Netflix, virtual book club, virtual Jackbox with friends, regular Facetime calls with Mom, frozen cookie dough bites, productive work days, long walks, and Marco Polo check-ins with friends. Oh, and as always, my cats. They bring me endless joy and happiness.

It’s another week of social distancing, working from home full-time, and trying to not fall into a downward spiral of despair every time I read the news.

I had a panic attack this weekend after going to the grocery store and seeing empty shelves everywhere. I went on Friday morning. The first thing I wanted to get was cheese for sandwiches… and there were exactly two packages of sliced cheese left. TWO! As I continued to shop, I continued to be met with empty shelves and little-to-no choices for what to eat. It was scary.

It’s not like we’re not used to empty shelves in Florida. It happens constantly whenever a hurricane threatens. Suddenly, water becomes liquid gold, flashlights and batteries are nowhere to be found, and shelf-stable foods are ripped from the shelves. But gradually things go back to normal.

I have no idea when things will go back to normal here. Or what normal will even look like.

It’s hard to believe that restaurants will reopen and gyms will turn their lights back on and shops will open their doors and it will be like the past few months never happened.

Just a bad dream.

I went away this weekend with some friends. I talked about it in last week’s post. We wanted to go kayaking at Ichetucknee Springs and decided to make a weekend of it. We planned this trip back in January before any of us had an inkling of what Coronavirus was. As the virus spread to the States and social distancing started to become the norm, I really didn’t think this trip would happen. It felt irresponsible, even though we were below the CDC threshold of 10 people. The trip happened and it was fine, but I was panicky all weekend. That seems to be my norm nowadays.

We couldn’t kayak from Ichetucknee Springs, either, since they closed down the park on Saturday. The park rangers gave us an alternate place to go, but that ended up being closed, too. Thankfully, our Airbnb was right on the Suwannee River so we were able to kayak from there. And it ended up being perfect for my first time—we kayaked for an hour and it was downstream the whole time, so we didn’t even need to paddle much. (It was so low-key that I definitely couldn’t count it as a workout, ha!)

It was good to get away and be around people, but it also exacerbated some of my anxiety symptoms. Lately, I’ve been feeling homesick whenever I’m away from my apartment. There’s really no other way to explain it, even though that seems like a weird way to describe how I’m feeling. Like… who gets homesick in their thirties? But it’s happening to me often, whenever I’m away from my apartment for more than a few days. All I can do is count down the days until I’m home again, in my familiar apartment with my beloved girls.

I didn’t realize it until a few weeks ago, but I forgot to schedule my next therapy appointment after my last one in early February. We were on an every-four-week cadence and I think we had scheduled them for a full year and when that full year ran out, we forgot to set up more appointments. Oops! At first, I thought that was okay because I was feeling really good and less in need of regular therapy. And now we’re in a global pandemic. So I need to contact her about setting up an appointment. I’m not sure if she’s seeing patients in her office right now, but I’m crossing my fingers I can at least get on the phone with her in the next week.

I feel like the tone of this post is melancholy and I want to assure you that I am okay. I am a bit more anxious than I was a month ago and I’m finding it hard to stem the tide of downward-spiraling thoughts, but I’m trying to employ some of the strategies I learned through therapy—taking things one day at a time, staying away from the news when I can, and recognizing what I can and can’t control in this. And there are good things, like:

• Marco Polo with friends – I’m loving this app! It’s essentially a “video walkie-talkie” where you film a video for a group or a friend and they can respond to it and make their own videos. My book club is using it as a way for all of us to check in and chat as we go about our days, and it’s been super fun. It makes me feel so connected to my friends!
• Working from home – I’ve always had this niggling suspicion in the back of my head that I would THRIVE in a full-time remote position. And I am two weeks into working from home full-time and loving it. I love being at home, love not having a commute, love getting to work in comfy clothes. I haven’t worn makeup in almost two weeks and my face feels so much more hydrated and happy. I feel like if I can enjoy working from home at a time like this, when I can’t meet up with a friend for lunch or stop by the gym for a midday workout, I would do just fine when things go back to “normal.”
• So much cat time – Oh, you guys, it’s just so wonderful to have so much time with my girls. I love them so damn much and being able to hang out with them all day has been such a treat. I think they’re loving it, too, as evidenced by Ellie constantly trying to take naps right in front of my laptop as I try to work and Lila curling up next to me when I work on the couch. <3
• Making a daily schedule – After a full week of feeling like I was flailing about and just moving from task-to-task willy-nilly, I started making a daily schedule to guide me throughout my day. Last week, I was waking up 15 minutes before I needed to log into work and then working late into the evening. Now I’m trying to wake up earlier to get in a workout, take a shower, eat breakfast, etc., before starting my workday. I’m trying to set specific times when I’m working and when I’m taking a break. It helps me to plan my day, figure out when I’m going to log off and cook dinner, and when I’m going to go to bed. I try to make every day a bit different to keep things exciting during these quarantine days, and it’s really helping me feel less crazed.
• Daily naps – Here’s my little secret. I’m taking an hour-long nap every afternoon, and it is the MOST divine. I use this as my “lunch break” since I work while eating lunch. There is something totally decadent about slipping into my bed in the middle of the day and taking a little nap. It’s hard to express how much I look forward to these naps and how rejuvenating they are for me.
• Walks outside – I’ll admit I’ve been a little lazy about taking a daily walk lately, but they are so good for my soul. I need to get outside, feel the sunshine and fresh air, and get my eyes away from my computer screen. I need to stretch my body and move it and let my butt get a break from the chair. I just need to remember that even a 10- or 15-minute walk is good!

Currently, Florida is not under any sort of stay-at-home order, which is truly mind-boggling to me considering we’re closing in on 2,000 cases statewide and states with far fewer cases are under this order. Thankfully, our county leaders are logical human beings who understand the seriousness of stopping the spread so they have instituted countywide stay-at-home orders beginning today. Just another reason why local elections matter, people!

Stay safe and HOME, friends, and tell me what you’re doing to stay sane during this unprecedented time.