Stephany Writes

Categories: Life

On Singleness & Loneliness

It’s Valentine’s Day. And appropriately, I’m writing a post on love. I’m quite original, yes.

I don’t feel as if I talk too much about my singleness on this blog. I write letters to my future husband and have talked about my stance on premarital sex and cohabitation. But not about the here and now. Not about living day in and day out, wondering what’s wrong with me. Cringing every time a formerly single friend finds love. Aching at the thought I may never wear a silver band on my left hand or a beautiful, white dress on my body.

I’m single. I’ve chosen to be single, but I desperately want to find love. I even went so far as to join a dating site, only to delete my profile the next day. Not that I necessarily think there’s anything wrong with dating sites, but it’s just not the path I want to take right now. I’m growing impatient and it scares me. I don’t think I’ll ever settle for Mr. Right Now, but there are moments when I think I could.

I hate to use the term because it is so overused, but it rings true for Valentine’s Day. Commercialized. Valentine’s Day is the single most commercialized holiday there is. Way more than Christmas. It’s all about jewelry and chocolate and teddy bears and flowers and cards. Love, love, love. On this day, if you don’t give me anything, you don’t really love me. I mean, really? That’s what this day has come to? This scramble to buy the one you love the perfect gift to signify your love. I’m also not on the “Valentine’s Day should be every day” camp, because let’s face it, can we really treat every day like we love the person we’re with to bits and pieces? Are we really that loveable 365 days a year? I think not. I’m never going to put that kind of pressure on my guy, that he needs to buy me some extravagant gift or take me out to an extravagant dinner just because it happens to be the Day of Love. So, future husband, if you’re reading, just know you’re off the hook when it comes to V-Day.

The truth is, I’m lonely. And not just because today is Valentine’s Day, but because there’s not a day that passes where I don’t wonder if I’ll ever spend this day with my future husband. Will I ever meet him? As single girl after single girl gets paired up and swoony (I’m growing to hate that word, by the way), I’m still stuck in my pattern of singleness and loneliness. I want to stop waiting for him. I want him to be in my life right now. I read love stories that give me hope for the future, but also simultaneously make me nervous that I won’t have the same serendipitous chance meeting. That I’ll be too afraid to even attempt a relationship, that my own fears and anxiety will take center stage and leave me alone once more.

I’m willing to sit back and let God control my love life, but I would be lying if I said I’m content with the way he’s conducting it right now. I know He has a plan, a bigger and better one than I could ever imagine, but it’s hard to not be at the controls. I just want to jump in and take it over, but I know it would only result in a mess. Right now, I’m just searching for peace. Peace in my singleness, peace in my loneliness. Peace that I will someday find him.

Categories: Life

Thursday Tidbits

  • First of all, today I’m guest-posting over at Becky’s blog! She asked for a theme of love so I wrote about the boy I love the most: my nephew! This blog post was so much fun to write, even moreso that Becky is also an aunt and knows exactly how I feel! Check it out here.
  • Today is supposed to be the day I recap my weight loss and tomorrow is supposed to be the day I vlog. I haven’t had time to record a vlog this week and to recap this week in weight loss: Super Bowl. Gained 1.2 pounds. The end.
  • I’m finding myself busier and busier with school and kind of loving it. My five-week break was incredibly delightful and relaxing, but I’m realizing that I like to keep busy. It also helps that my classes are quite fun and I get to explore my creative writing side, which is a big no-no when it comes to journalism. The papers I’m writing for my literature and creative writing classes are so much fun and so interesting to write that a part of me is glad I’m taking them at the end of my undergraduate career and not a few semesters ago because it seriously would have tempted me to switch majors. No joke.
  • Half-marathon training-wise, it’s going okay. I missed my long run on Sunday because it was raining and I just didn’t have it in me to run 5 miles on the treadmill. My training runs have been better than I expected, even though I’m still not running the whole time but I am running more than I’m walking. I’m still extremely nervous leading up to my runs, but they’re getting done. I’m ready to tackle this upcoming week. I have a 3.5-miler scheduled for today and a 5-miler scheduled for Saturday. 5 miles will be a new (running) distance record for me so fingers crossed!
  • I want to run one of the Gasparilla races at the end of this month. I’m debating on whether I should run the 5K on Saturday or the 8K on Sunday. I’m only scheduled to run 3 miles that weekend, but I’ve never run an 8K distance in a race and it kind of interests me. Make the decision for me! 😉
  • By the way, March 24th is the day the world will end for me. Also known as the day I have to present my short story for critiques. I’ve never shown my fiction work to anyone and to say I’m nervous is an extreme understatement. I have a million different ideas of what I want my short story to be but nothing I feel comfortable writing down and showing.
Categories: Life

7:09:56

It’s been a crazy few days around here. I’ve been running around since coming back to town Monday afternoon, attending classes, working, and getting back into the swing of things. I’m finally able to have a moment to write this post.

My mom is officially a marathoner. She finished the Walt Disney World Marathon and while it took her longer than expected, she still finished. And really, that’s all that matters.

I have a post in the works about my spectator experience because there was a lot of good and a lot of bad that happened during the day. But let’s focus on my mom for today.

It was an early day for my mom, my brother, and I. We left the hotel by 3am in order to arrive at the race site on time. With 17,500+ racers, we knew travel to the race would get pretty heavy closer to 5am, when racers had to be in their corrals. We arrived before 3:30am and basically shivered our butts off while waiting. My mom left us around 4:15am to head over to the corral start and my brother and I got to wait in the freezing cold for the next 2 hours. It was awful. I was dressed in yoga pants, a long-sleeved tech tee, a short-sleeved cotton tee, and a sweatshirt but it was not warm enough at all. My toes were icicles by 5am. I tried sitting down on the ground and reading, but I was just too cold to ever get comfortable.

The race started at 5:30am with the wheelchair racers and then the rest of the runners. While I was supposed to get updates via my phone on my mom, I never got an update of when she started so luckily, Cecelia was able to hop on her computer and help me out! I didn’t get to see my mom at the start because she was on the other side of the street (plus, it was packed with all the runners!) but they circled around at Mile 4 and I got to see her then. She was in pretty good spirits, so it calmed me down somewhat. (I was an emotional wreck the entire day.)

I was able to see my mom at Mile 9 and Mile 12.5, but that was it until the end. I wish I could’ve seen her further in the race because I think it would’ve helped both of us. And since she gave me her cell phone, I didn’t have any way to know where she was or how she was doing. That part sucked so much. I was so worried about her and didn’t know if she had been pulled out or what. She had never run or walked farther than 13 miles before, so this was a totally new experience for her. I just wanted to see her, make sure she was OK, and give her a pep talk if she needed it.

Around Mile 20, the race organizers started harping on the runners to keep with a 16:00-minute mile pace. My mom had to stay ahead of a girl because if she got behind her, she would get pulled out. So, on a foot with a huge blister on the bottom, my mom had to run. She would run ahead of the girl until she was pretty far ahead then walk until she got close again. It couldn’t have been easy and she said she wanted to give up so badly. But she kept pressing on. When she got to Mile 24, she was able to stay at her own pace because the race organizers said she was good until the end and would get her medal. I couldn’t imagine what those 4 miles were like, though. Nervous about getting pulled out, part of you wanting to be pulled out, but knowing you are so close to the end.

When I saw her turn the corner to the finish line, I was overly emotional. No matter if it takes you 3 hours or 7 hours, finishing a marathon is a huge accomplishment. And she did it! Even with all that was working against her, she kept pressing on, kept training, and finished a marathon.

She was hit by a car on August 13. From September – January 9, she ran a total of 94.9 miles in just races alone. She ran three 5K’s, one 10K, two half-marathons, and a full marathon. That’s crazy. Her legs feel fine and she wasn’t even too sore from the marathon. Her biggest problem is the blister at the bottom of her foot.

But there you have it. My mom ran a marathon. The one who used to say her best exercise was the short .25 mile walk to Wendy’s, who was morbidly obese four years ago, and whose journey to this point all started in 1999 when she left my father…she did it. She ran a marathon. 26.2 miles. Amazing.

(Oh, and while she said on Sunday that she would never, ever run a marathon again. By Monday, she was leaning the other way. I truly believe she will run another one where she can train better.)

Categories: Life

Twenty-Six Point Two

Well, the weekend is finally here. On Sunday, my mom is running her first marathon. She may not be prepared in the traditional sense of getting in the mileage she needs. (Her longest run has only been 13.1 miles.) But she’s prepared mentally. While she had to take a good 7 weeks off her marathon training to recover from her accident, the minute she got the OK to run, run she did. She’s kept up steady mileage since October. She’s ready.

We’re leaving today at lunchtime for Orlando where we’ll check into our hotel and then head over to the race expo. It’s going to be crazy over there this weekend. There are over 20,000 people signed up for the marathon. That’s nuts! Every hotel is booked and I know it’s going to be annoying to find somewhere to eat on Saturday night. (Especially Italian restaurants!) I’ve never been to a race expo so it’ll be neat to experience it all!

Saturday will be a fun day of sleeping in and hanging out around the hotel. We’ll keep it low-key since Sunday’s going to be insane. My brother, sister-in-law, and nephew are coming up on Saturday night to support my mom during her race. I am so, so, so excited they’re coming and I know it’ll give her the extra something-something she needs to finish her race.

Sunday is going to be crazy. We have to leave the hotel by 3am and head over to the park. (She starts at Epcot.) My brother and I will get to see her four different times during the race: at the beginning, at Mile 4, at Mile 12.5, and at the end. Luckily, the Walt Disney World Marathon has an excellent spectator guide so I was able to print off where I could spot her and how to get there. It’s a little bit different from a regular marathon since she’s running through all the different Disney parks, so it’s very helpful to have this information. My SIL and nephew will join us at the end.

I am so incredibly nervous for my mom. She’s scared of being pulled out of the race because her pace isn’t fast enough, although I think she’ll be OK. She has to maintain a 16-minute mile pace and she’s been averaging 13-minute miles lately. She’s hoping to finish in 6 hours.

Our other big concern was the weather. Last year, it was 26 degrees. For wimpy Florida folk like us, that is cold. We were anxiously awaiting 10 days until the race so we could finally check the weather. It started pretty scary with a low of 43 degrees and a 20% chance of rain. But it’s gradually worked its way up to a low of 53 degrees, although the rain chance remains the same. As a spectator, I am thrilled. I don’t function well with cold weather but I can definitely handle 50-60 degree weather.

It’s an amazing accomplishment and I cannot wait to see her cross that finish line and prove to herself how much she is capable of.

I’ll finish with the quote that was featured in Runner’s World daily e-mails, “You can never be sure. That’s what makes the marathon both fearsome and fascinating. The deeper you go into the unknown, the more uncertain you become. But then you finish. And you wonder later, ‘How did I do that?’ This question compels you to keep making the journey from the usual to the magical.” (Joe Henderson)

Categories: Life

It’s Been A While

I didn’t mean for my break from blogging to last as long as it did, but I must say I’m glad to be back. I needed to get away from my blog and writing for a while, away from a rigid three-day-a-week or five-day-a-week schedule to figure out where I want my blog to go. I feel more secure now.

A lot has happened in the past three weeks.

  • I ran my sixth 5K the Thursday before Halloween. Since I was only on Week 3 of Couch to 5K, I wasn’t expecting a great PR. I just hoped to run and enjoy my time there. I did that. I didn’t set a new personal record. In fact, my time was the exact same time as my previous personal record, which I got from my 5K in April. 44:54. How I managed that, I’ll never know. But since it beats the time of my 5K in September, I’ll take it! I’m signed up for a trail run on November 21st and ready to smash that 44:54.
  • My blog has changed. I was growing sick of my current design and needed a change. I contacted Designer Blogs about one of their premades and it was installed within a week! Check them out if you want a design. They do custom orders! I added a little race section to my sidebar, which includes my PRs (which are not all that impressive, but they are mine), as well as my upcoming races.
  • I received a lovely letter from a blog friend that uplifted my spirits and made me realize why I have a blog. She mentioned some key facts that have helped me to figure out where I want my blog to go. She said all the things I had been thinking in the back of my mind but was too afraid to voice.
  • I registered for my last semester ever this past week. Well, as an undergrad, although I’m 80% sure I’m not going to attempt grad school. The semester should be an easy one, a fun one, with very little stress. I’m taking Spanish II and Senior Seminar, which are both required. I also signed up for Twentieth Century Literature for my exit course (another required course) and Form and Technique of Fiction, which was the filler course I needed to keep my scholarship. I’m super excited about those last two classes. I think they’re going to be fun!
  • I decided to quit my internship. There were a lot of factors leading to this decision but suffice it to say, I’m at peace with it and it was something I had to do. I’ve only been working there for 3 hours on Wednesdays. My last day there will be November 17 and it will definitely be a bittersweet day.
  • I recently became a contributing writer for the website, Blissfully Domestic. It’s a fun little writing gig and allows me to let some creative juices flow. It also gives me a place to have my name in print online, which is always a plus. Check out my first article here, where I talk about writing.
  • I have discovered that it’s OK to spend a day or two without checking my Google Reader. The world won’t end and the bloggers won’t hate me. Sometimes, sanity is more important than popularity. That being said, I love reading blogs and there is so much I derive from your stories, tips, and inspiring notes. And I am never fully away from the blog world. It has captured me.
  • I have oodles and oodles of blog post ideas floating through my head. I can’t wait to share my recent epiphanies, funny stories, and moments. The break was much needed, but I also realized my blog is also much needed.