About Me – Page 18

Categories: About Me

When You’re Not Okay

It’s hard to admit when I’m not okay. I tend to get really frustrated when it happens.

“A day ago, you were fine,” I argue with myself. “A day ago, you were doing so good. What happened?”

It’s such a cliche, but it’s so much easier to give grace to others than it is to give it to myself. When people in my life are struggling, I’m there in a heartbeat. I listen to them, I give them advice (if it’s needed), and I tell them they will be okay someday. This too shall pass.

When I’m not okay, usually there’s no reason for it. It’s just that one day I was okay and now I am not. One day I found beauty in the sunrise and the next day, the sun rising fills me with dread and overwhelm at everything it takes to simply be a human on this planet.

I haven’t been okay. I haven’t been okay for a while now.

This happens to me every so often. This time, I can pinpoint the cause. I know exactly why I feel like such a dark cloud of gloom, and while there’s a certain level of peace in that, there’s also confusion. Because I don’t exactly know how to work through this unhappiness I’m feeling. I don’t know how to make me better.

Thankfully, in times like these, I turn to my tried-and-true strategies for helping myself when I’m not feeling okay. They are my toolkit for feeling better, for getting back to myself. But before I get into these strategies, I do want to make a point that when I say I am “not feeling okay,” this is not code for depression. I’ve been depressed before in my life and this isn’t it. It’s just feeling sad, a bit tired from the world. Generally, this feeling doesn’t last for longer than a week and I find my way out of it on my own.

Okay, with that said, here are my strategies for making it through those moments when you just aren’t feeling okay, for whatever reason:

1) Find your mantra.

“This too shall pass.” “Feel your feelings.” “It’s okay to not be okay all of the time.” “You will get through this now because you’ve gotten through this before.” I have a bunch of mantras I turn to when I’m feeling down. Mostly, I like to remind myself that it is okay to be sad. I am not a robot, I am a complex human being and all of my emotions are valid, even the ones I don’t necessarily enjoy. I also like to remind myself that I will not always be sad. I will not always feel so defeated by life. Find a mantra and repeat it over and over and over again until you start believing it.

2) Distract yourself.

Usually, I’ll distract myself by downloading a romance novel or going for a long walk while listening to a podcast I love or taking my dog to the dog park. All of these scenarios keep my mind occupied, which is usually what I need when I’m feeling sad because I have the tendency to get completely wrapped in my head and downward spiral into my own thoughts. Find something to do that will offer a complete distraction from your sadness – bonus points if it gets you outside and into the sunshine since that will immediately boost your mood.

3) Write about it.

It’s not for everyone, but writing is a cathartic experience for me. Sometimes, what I write may turn out to be useful for a blog post, but not always. Often, it’s something solely for me. I also find that working on my fiction novel is a great way for me to deal with my funk because it’s something I enjoy so much and the subject matter is light-hearted. Even if writing isn’t your forte, having a journal and a place to get everything going on inside your head onto paper (or screen) can help you sort through how you’re feeling.

4) Call a friend.

Okay, listen. I am terrible at this. I’m the first to admit it. I do not like reaching out to friends when I’m in a funk. It’s completely ridiculous because I want them to pick up on the fact that I’m not feeling okay because obviously, that’s the only way to show you care about me! (I desperately want to delete that sentence because it sounds so pathetic, but I won’t. Truth is vulnerable and truth is hard.) I also don’t want to burden my friends with my issues. Who wants to be around a Debbie Downer? But no. I know when I call a friend, when I let someone in on how I’m feeling, it helps so much. Whether it’s someone giving me perspective or just knowing I don’t have to carry this burden alone, it helps. Call your people. Wouldn’t you want a friend to open up to you if they’re feeling low?

5) Find a therapist.

Look, we all have times in our lives when we don’t feel like ourselves. Nobody ever feels okay 100% of the time. But if those times when you don’t feel okay start stacking up, when it starts taking you longer and longer to get out of your funk, you may want to think about therapy. I honestly think everyone can benefit from seeing a therapist, and I’m actively working to find one on my own (it’s much harder than I imagined, trying to find a therapist that takes my insurance and is accepting patients, but I’m determined). It’s just helpful to set aside time to see a therapist and talk about what you’re going through, to get a fresh (and professional!) opinion, to feel less alone. It’s the strategy that may seem like the scariest one, but the payoffs could be the most beneficial.

What strategies do you use when you’re not feeling okay?

Categories: About Me

What People Don’t Understand About Social Anxiety

In January, I wrote a post about social anxiety and it was the kind of post that I was scared to push publish on. Talking about my social anxiety makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, but I also refuse to keep silent about this aspect of my personality. Because keeping silent means I feel ashamed that I have social anxiety, and I’m not ashamed. Not anymore. I have simply accepted it’s part of who I am.

The first response I received to that blog post was… unpleasant, to say the least. I wrote out a lengthy response to this comment, but the email address was invalid. (Of course it was!)

I’ve never done this before because, generally, I don’t see the point in giving negative comments any sort of attention, but this comment showed me that there are people who really do not understand what social anxiety is, and it’s time to lay some truth bombs for these people.

Here’s the comment:

You sound like you have some real self-esteem issues. This seems like more than social anxiety, it’s a real problem with the way you think the rest of the world is constantly judging you. Literally no one cares how you park your car. You’re not an idiot if you have to look around a restaurant for your friends. EVERYONE has done this. You sound like you really need to get on medication and into therapy.

Ouch.

I won’t lie; for about five seconds after I received that comment, I considered deleting the post. I understand that when I decided to put my life on display via a public blog, I must take the good with the bad. But the bad really hurts sometimes. That comment hurt. But it also showed me how little people understand social anxiety. So, let’s discuss some truths about it:

Social anxiety is about self-esteem and the fear of being judged by others. The comment above states that I have “real self-esteem issues” and “a real problem with the way you think the world is constantly judging you.” Funny enough – this person describes social anxiety perfectly! It is about self-esteem and it is about the way we feel people are judging our every move. This is social anxiety – our fear of how we are perceived in social settings. This fear is so pervasive that it can cause panic attacks at just the thought of going on a job interview or a date or your church’s picnic. And, since social anxiety develops based largely on environment, it’s those of us who grew up feeling less than, unwanted, unloved who often have social anxiety. We weren’t given safe spaces to grow, so we became fearful of the world and being judged.

We understand that our fear is not logical. When I’m in my logical mind, I know that nobody cares how I park my car. I know that I’m not an idiot if I have to look around a while before spotting my friends in a restaurant. I know that. But social anxiety does not play on logic; it plays on our biggest fears. Our fear of being judged harshly, of people laughing at us, of being embarrassed. So, yes, I will worry about people judging me for how I parked my car because that’s how my social anxiety works. You don’t need to tell me it’s silly because I know it is. I already feel completely ridiculous by how crippled I get by my thoughts when I’m worried about a social event. I already feel as if there’s something wrong with me because I get so damn worried all the time about things most other people don’t even concern themselves about. But social anxiety is not about logic, so please don’t make someone feel bad for the things they are fearful of. That’s not helpful, that’s harmful.

We are not weirdos with no social life. Thanks to years of deep introspection, understanding friends, and taking huge risks, I’ve developed a good social life. I didn’t always have this. I didn’t make any friends in college because I was too scared to speak up in class or talk to the people next to me. I cried every day the year I lived on campus and would hide out in the bookstore because it felt safe. I didn’t join any extracurricular activities in high school or college (well, aside from a semester of basketball cheerleading during 10th grade – how’s that for a fun fact?!) because I was too afraid of being judged. And then I learned about what social anxiety is and realized this condition described me perfectly, and I was letting it win. So, I joined a book club on Meetup, said yes when a new coworker invited me to her place to hang out, started talking more with the people around me at work. It’s been difficult and sometimes, I still wonder why I have any friends and why they even like me, but mostly, I’m happy I took risks and found the people who don’t think less of me for having social anxiety and, when I tell them about it, their response is, “Is there anything I can do to help?” (<– Best response to anyone who opens up about their social anxiety, btw.) Our social lives may be lighter than others, and we may turn down a lot of engagements because we know they’d just ratchet up our anxiety and make us incredibly uncomfortable, but we do have social lives.

We are not unfriendly and we don’t hate people. Not in the least! I may not be the most bubbly individual, and I may be able to endure an entire elevator ride without saying a word to you, but I don’t consider myself unfriendly. I’m just shy and have a hard time talking to people sometimes without stumbling over my words and feeling like a complete fool. I will do everything in my power to keep myself from doing that, so, usually, I just stay quiet. (This is why I’ll opt for the stairs instead of the elevator if I see a group of coworkers waiting by the elevator when I’m leaving the office.) And I love meeting new people! Okay, okay. I like it. People are inherently fascinating and I want to talk to you – it’s just not always easy for me, so be patient with me, okay?

Ah, I could go on and on and on! I truly could. But this post is long enough already. I hope I made my point. I hope this person who left that comment understands how hurtful their comment was. And I hope they have a better understanding – and more empathy – for what we experience on a daily basis. Social anxiety is illogical and frustrating and makes me feel crazy sometimes, but I don’t deserve to be shamed for it. Shaming someone for a mental illness is such harmful behavior, and we need to be better than that.

For my comrades suffering from social anxiety and still managing to make a life for themselves, I am so proud of you. You are brave. You are incredible. You are worthy of taking up space.

Categories: About Me

What It’s Like to Date as a Highly Sensitive Person

Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is a pretty spectacular personality trait to have, and that’s especially true when it comes to dating. Sure, there are aspects of being an HSP that can be downright difficult, but in many ways, it allows me to experience life in a brighter, bolder way.

Over the past few years, I’ve had my fair share of good dates and bad dates. And before I learned about my HSP trait, I often thought there was something weird or wrong with me. When friends would tell me about their dating experiences, like going out on 3-4 dates in one week with a different guy each time, I would cringe. That sounded like so much work. I felt as if I was dating wrong as if the only way to find my special person would be to go on as many dates as I possibly could, throwing caution to the wind. If you encounter any issues with your relationship , you may talk to a couples therapist from Empathi.

But the truth is that dating is a personal journey and there is no one right way to date. I have friends who did the date-as-much-as-possible way and found true, lasting love. I have friends who only went on one or two dates before meeting the love of their life. There’s no algorithm for something like dating some people even use services like skip the games Toledo to find companionship as well. There’s nothing to say that going on a lot of dates will yield a boyfriend or that going on as few dates as possible will yield singleness. It’s all up to fate.

And the truth is that dating when you’re a highly sensitive person and an introvert is a vastly different experience. It’s both completely magical and incredibly draining, and that’s why having resources that help you with this such as sites like BangSexting can be really helpful in this area.

While I can’t speak for all introverted HSPs, this is my experience with dating as one:

When I fall, I fall fast and intensely. When I meet someone I like, it consumes me. I can’t focus at work because I can’t stop thinking about him and imagining our future together. All I want to listen to are sappy romance songs. All I want to do is spend as much time as humanely possible with him. This starts as soon as the first date. The feelings are intense and all-encompassing and ruin my entire life for a few weeks. In the best possible way, of course.

I need at least a month to get over a breakup. I’m not even talking about breaking up with a longtime boyfriend because, well, I’ve never had a longtime boyfriend. I’m talking about those relationships where you’re just going on dates and seeing each other. Nothing serious has been established, but when those relationships end, I can’t jump right back into the dating pool. Those few weeks were intense ones for me and I need time by myself to let go of all my visions for what could have been and to find myself again.

I can only handle one date per week, and I need at least a few days’ notice. Truthfully, one to two dates a month is plenty for me. It takes a lot out of me to prepare for that first date. First, there are the messages sent back and forth over a matter of days (or weeks, if I’m talking to someone who is particularly gun-shy), and that alone depletes some of my energy to make small talk and ask all those “initial questions”. Then, the date itself is draining, especially if the date isn’t going well and I’m trying to find a polite way to end it. Usually, I enjoy the dates while I’m on them and truly enjoy getting to know someone new and discovering shared interests sharing intimacy or even watching things like Onlyfans leak video with them, but I’m also always ready to call it a night after dinner. First dates that extend past two hours are not my cuppa tea.

I never “go for drinks” because bars make me so uncomfortable and are too loud and overstimulating. I really dislike the advice that a first date should always be grabbing a drink at a bar or going for coffee. Honestly, if I’m going to get all worked up for a date, I prefer it to be dinner where there is a specific start and stop point. With coffee or a drink, it’s a date that can end in 15 minutes or linger for an hour. I also dislike the advice about going for drinks because bars make me uncomfortable. They are usually loud and overstimulating, so I can never focus on the guy and our conversation. There’s just too much happening around me, too much energy to take in, that I’m never my best self. Add to it that I’m not much of a drinker, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. For me, I much prefer going for dinner as a first date… and the reason why will be evident in the next fact.

I have a few creature-comfort restaurants that I always suggest because I know how to get there, the atmosphere, the menu, etc. This has been key for me as an introverted HSP in the dating world. I have very specific restaurants that I suggest as places to meet up because I’ve been there so many times that they feel comfortable. I know exactly how to get there and how long it will take me. I know the parking situation. I know how the restaurant is set up, the atmosphere, the menu. It means I don’t have to waste precious energy worrying about driving to the restaurant, how the parking is, what I’ll order, etc.

I always have a backup plan ready for when a guy wants to extend a first date. Having a backup plan is just Dating 101, but I don’t only have a backup plan for if the date is going south, but also for if the date is going well, but my energy is just depleted and I need to go home… without being all, “Sry, introvert battery drained. Must go home.” Usually, my dog is my excuse. “Oh, I’d love to, but I need to get home and let my dog out. He’s older, so he can’t go too long between bathroom breaks.” It’s lame, I know, but it’s sometimes the best I can do.

When I am in a relationship, I get easily overwhelmed by sharing my life with someone. One of the most difficult things about being in a relationship is sharing my life. Yes, it’s really exciting and super fun and, usually, all I want to do is spend time with him… but it can also be overwhelming because I’m more comfortable single than I am in a relationship. I’m not used to checking in with someone or planning my weekend around him. I’m not used to going out as much as I do in new relationships. It can be overwhelming for me. These Cleveland sites help me gain companionship through casual relationships with escorts.

Because I so value deep conversations, I never go out with people whose messages don’t go beyond the “what do you like to do for fun” questions. It’s probably due to my intuitive nature, but I can pretty quickly tell whether or not I have a connection with someone I’m messaging with online. If the conversation doesn’t flow past the usual “how are you?” and “what do you like to do for fun?” (<– one of my least favorite questions ever!), then I know that there’s no point in even setting up a date. As an introvert, I value deep conversation over small talk and I want that reflected in messages. It also means I am very, very picky about the guys I agree to go on a date with, which limits my pool a bit, but I’m willing to take the risk. If you’ve been single for a while and want to meet new people, it’s time to try these escort sites.

Being a highly sensitive person means life is more intense for me, which makes sense that dating would be a more intense situation. Love comes very easily for me because I am so in tune with my emotions and my surroundings, so I tend to fall in and out of love quickly. (Some may say that’s not really love, and I won’t argue the point. I just think it’s the easiest way to explain how I feel.) But isn’t there such a radical beauty to that? It means I get to experience love in all its glory again and again and again. It also means that when my heart is crushed, the feeling is intensified, and the weight of it is nearly unbearable. I remember when I was ghosted on by a guy I was falling head over heels for, and this was just after two dates. But my feelings for him consumed me. And then when it ended, and ended in such a terrible way, the pain was crushing. I spent an entire weekend in bed, barely able to summon the energy to eat or move. It sounds dramatic, and it is, but that’s just the dichotomy of living an intense life. I have to take the good and the bad, and I would never trade the good – the brightness, the boldness, the fierceness – just so I would never experience the bad.

Categories: About Me

My Social Anxiety Is Not a Weakness

What time do I need to leave? What if I leave too early and nobody is there yet? What if I leave too late and I’m the last to arrive and then have to look around the restaurant to find them and look like an idiot? What if I can’t find a parking spot? What if I have to sit there and make conversation with one person and can’t think of a single thing to say? What if I can’t find anything on the menu I like? What about driving to the movie theater afterward? I know there’s a parking garage, but where is it? What if I can’t find it and I’m the last to arrive and my friends are waiting on me? What if I can’t find my way out of the parking garage easily? What if my car doesn’t start at the end of the night? What if I lose my keys or my wallet?

***

Oh shit, the friend I was going to arrive with isn’t going to this event anymore. Now I have to show up alone – THE. WORST. What if I can’t find the location easily? What if everyone sees me trying to parallel park my car on the street and sees how terrible I am at it? What if I arrive too early and see everyone on the first shift and I look like a dork? What if I can’t find C when I get there and I don’t know what to do and just stand around looking stupid? What if I don’t know what I’m doing – I’ve never painted in my life. What if everyone is buddy-buddy with everyone and I’m just left alone, painting by myself?

***

Social anxiety is about worrying about every worst possible scenario whenever you have to do something social. It’s spending the weeks, hours, and days leading up to an event downward spiraling and falling deeper and deeper into your thoughts as you contemplate everything that could make you uncomfortable or feel out of place. It’s getting to an event and feeling like everyone is looking at you and judging you.

Even though almost every single social event I’ve gone to has been fine and I’ve wound up having a great time, I’m always going to worry about these events. Always. I will never not worry about them.

It’s something I’ve come to accept. Something that makes me so vastly different than the majority of the population.

***

The first event referenced above happened just this past week when I had plans for dinner and a movie with three close girlfriends. I know these girlfriends well. I love them. I had a great time with them. And yet I still spent the day leading up to our night out worrying about every little logistical detail.

The other event was a charity painting event I did with some coworkers and some people I didn’t know back in April of last year. I spent weeks worrying about that event, especially when I found out my best friend wasn’t going to be there to be my buffer. I considered canceling multiple times, but I didn’t have a good excuse, so I ended up going and asking another friend if she could pick me up on the way there. (This is one of my Social Anxiety Tricks: try to always show up to an event with someone else.) I ended up having a blast, but I couldn’t help feeling like a freak about how much I worried about everything leading up to that day.

And that’s just the truth of what having social anxiety feels like: it makes me feel like a freak. I can literally drive myself to sickness with how much I worry about certain social situations, and in doing so, it makes me want to just hide away and never make plans with people ever. Life is easier that way. I don’t have to worry about anything when my weekend plans are to binge on Netflix and read a book and take naps.

But life wasn’t meant to be easy. It was meant to be challenging and messy and crazy and wonderful. And I can’t get all that I want out of life if I become a hermit, hiding away in my apartment and never taking chances on something new.

If I hadn’t taken a chance and joined a book club in my area, even though I was so nervous leading up to that first meeting that my body was shaking, my teeth were chattering, and my heart rate was through the roof during the drive to the restaurant, I wouldn’t have met some of my best friends.

If I hadn’t taken a chance and started a new job in an unfamiliar part of town in a completely different industry, even though I couldn’t go into the break room for the first few days because I was too shy and didn’t make any friends for the first few months, I wouldn’t have grown so much as a professional and as a person. And I also wouldn’t have met Roomie. Or some of my favorite people. Or realized that it’s totally possible to love what you do, even if it’s not your dream job.

If I hadn’t taken a chance and started an online dating profile and started saying yes to dates, even though I would spend hours leading up to the date in the bathroom and get body shakes driving to the restaurant, I wouldn’t have met some of the guys I’ve met and have had some really terrible, really fun, and really mediocre dating experiences.

***

The truth of the matter is that social anxiety is a part of who I am. It’s a challenge. It’s difficult to live with. It’s not something I would wish on anyone else. But it’s part of my story. It does not make me a freak. It doesn’t make me less of a person. It just makes me a human who has limits when it comes to socializing. There are some events I know my anxiety cannot handle – like going to a networking event alone – and there are some events that I know I have to power through because the end result is worth the panic beforehand – like attending a charity painting event or going on a date with someone I met online.

I’m not defined by my social anxiety, but it is a big part of who I am. I’m learning to live with it. I’m learning to acknowledge the effect it has on me. And I’m learning to not beat myself up just because I have to worry about every single logistical detail of social situations.

And I’m learning to speak up about my social anxiety so that people don’t have to feel alone. I’m here and I’m listening.

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Categories: About Me

Expose

It’s funny how my yearly word always seems to come to me, seemingly out of nowhere.

I had no idea what my word would be this year. For me, 2016 was a fairly good year. There was the garbage fire that was the presidential election, but overall, it was a year in which I have more positive than negative memories.

I made some goals for 2017, but those are all tasks to mark off. No fast food! Get a tattoo! Read some classic novels!

My yearly word is different. It’s about the way I want to feel throughout the year and how I want to challenge myself.

But I didn’t really know how I wanted to challenge myself in 2017. How did I want to feel this year? Passionate, fulfilled, satisfied, loved, secure… these are all words I wrote down while brainstorming.

And then the word came to me when looking at the synonyms for a different word, and it fit so perfectly.

Expose.

It means to lay open, to uncover, to present to view, to reveal, to unmask, to display.

It means to stop hiding behind the stories I tell myself of why I am not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or bold enough to make my biggest dreams come true.

It means to stop letting my social anxiety and introversion and high sensitivity keep me from trying new things and opening up.

It means to expose myself in all the ways I need to be exposed. To expose my writing to the world. To expose my true self to the men I date. To expose my feelings about politics and racism and discrimination to people, even when it feels uncomfortable. To expose myself to situations where I might feel vulnerable or scared or uncomfortable so I can open myself up to opportunities I don’t typically explore.

Expose is about letting myself be open to what’s next, to reveal my truest self even when it’s scary.

And, listen, I will continue to be my introverted, quiet self. It’s not about putting myself in situations that will only exacerbate my social anxiety or overstimulate me. I’m not sitting here, telling myself I need to get out more and stop hiding at home. I am still going to hide at home when I need to. I know what situations are terror on my nervous system and what situations aren’t. A friend hosting a get-together with a bunch of people I don’t know? Nope, that’s not a good place for me to be. A friend invites me and a couple of other people out to brunch or to see a movie? Yeah, that’s a situation I know I can handle and I’m hiding behind my social anxiety when I turn them down.

In 2017, I want to live a bit more boldly than I have ever lived before. I want to take more risks and expose my heart to the world. I want my writing published in more places than just my blog. I want to be vocal about what I believe in. I want to fall in love and take a chance with my heart.

In 2017, I want to be exposed.