About Me – Page 18

Categories: About Me

My Social Anxiety Is Not a Weakness

What time do I need to leave? What if I leave too early and nobody is there yet? What if I leave too late and I’m the last to arrive and then have to look around the restaurant to find them and look like an idiot? What if I can’t find a parking spot? What if I have to sit there and make conversation with one person and can’t think of a single thing to say? What if I can’t find anything on the menu I like? What about driving to the movie theater afterward? I know there’s a parking garage, but where is it? What if I can’t find it and I’m the last to arrive and my friends are waiting on me? What if I can’t find my way out of the parking garage easily? What if my car doesn’t start at the end of the night? What if I lose my keys or my wallet?

***

Oh shit, the friend I was going to arrive with isn’t going to this event anymore. Now I have to show up alone – THE. WORST. What if I can’t find the location easily? What if everyone sees me trying to parallel park my car on the street and sees how terrible I am at it? What if I arrive too early and see everyone on the first shift and I look like a dork? What if I can’t find C when I get there and I don’t know what to do and just stand around looking stupid? What if I don’t know what I’m doing – I’ve never painted in my life. What if everyone is buddy-buddy with everyone and I’m just left alone, painting by myself?

***

Social anxiety is about worrying about every worst possible scenario whenever you have to do something social. It’s spending the weeks, hours, and days leading up to an event downward spiraling and falling deeper and deeper into your thoughts as you contemplate everything that could make you uncomfortable or feel out of place. It’s getting to an event and feeling like everyone is looking at you and judging you.

Even though almost every single social event I’ve gone to has been fine and I’ve wound up having a great time, I’m always going to worry about these events. Always. I will never not worry about them.

It’s something I’ve come to accept. Something that makes me so vastly different than the majority of the population.

***

The first event referenced above happened just this past week when I had plans for dinner and a movie with three close girlfriends. I know these girlfriends well. I love them. I had a great time with them. And yet I still spent the day leading up to our night out worrying about every little logistical detail.

The other event was a charity painting event I did with some coworkers and some people I didn’t know back in April of last year. I spent weeks worrying about that event, especially when I found out my best friend wasn’t going to be there to be my buffer. I considered canceling multiple times, but I didn’t have a good excuse, so I ended up going and asking another friend if she could pick me up on the way there. (This is one of my Social Anxiety Tricks: try to always show up to an event with someone else.) I ended up having a blast, but I couldn’t help feeling like a freak about how much I worried about everything leading up to that day.

And that’s just the truth of what having social anxiety feels like: it makes me feel like a freak. I can literally drive myself to sickness with how much I worry about certain social situations, and in doing so, it makes me want to just hide away and never make plans with people ever. Life is easier that way. I don’t have to worry about anything when my weekend plans are to binge on Netflix and read a book and take naps.

But life wasn’t meant to be easy. It was meant to be challenging and messy and crazy and wonderful. And I can’t get all that I want out of life if I become a hermit, hiding away in my apartment and never taking chances on something new.

If I hadn’t taken a chance and joined a book club in my area, even though I was so nervous leading up to that first meeting that my body was shaking, my teeth were chattering, and my heart rate was through the roof during the drive to the restaurant, I wouldn’t have met some of my best friends.

If I hadn’t taken a chance and started a new job in an unfamiliar part of town in a completely different industry, even though I couldn’t go into the break room for the first few days because I was too shy and didn’t make any friends for the first few months, I wouldn’t have grown so much as a professional and as a person. And I also wouldn’t have met Roomie. Or some of my favorite people. Or realized that it’s totally possible to love what you do, even if it’s not your dream job.

If I hadn’t taken a chance and started an online dating profile and started saying yes to dates, even though I would spend hours leading up to the date in the bathroom and get body shakes driving to the restaurant, I wouldn’t have met some of the guys I’ve met and have had some really terrible, really fun, and really mediocre dating experiences.

***

The truth of the matter is that social anxiety is a part of who I am. It’s a challenge. It’s difficult to live with. It’s not something I would wish on anyone else. But it’s part of my story. It does not make me a freak. It doesn’t make me less of a person. It just makes me a human who has limits when it comes to socializing. There are some events I know my anxiety cannot handle – like going to a networking event alone – and there are some events that I know I have to power through because the end result is worth the panic beforehand – like attending a charity painting event or going on a date with someone I met online.

I’m not defined by my social anxiety, but it is a big part of who I am. I’m learning to live with it. I’m learning to acknowledge the effect it has on me. And I’m learning to not beat myself up just because I have to worry about every single logistical detail of social situations.

And I’m learning to speak up about my social anxiety so that people don’t have to feel alone. I’m here and I’m listening.

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Categories: About Me

Expose

It’s funny how my yearly word always seems to come to me, seemingly out of nowhere.

I had no idea what my word would be this year. For me, 2016 was a fairly good year. There was the garbage fire that was the presidential election, but overall, it was a year in which I have more positive than negative memories.

I made some goals for 2017, but those are all tasks to mark off. No fast food! Get a tattoo! Read some classic novels!

My yearly word is different. It’s about the way I want to feel throughout the year and how I want to challenge myself.

But I didn’t really know how I wanted to challenge myself in 2017. How did I want to feel this year? Passionate, fulfilled, satisfied, loved, secure… these are all words I wrote down while brainstorming.

And then the word came to me when looking at the synonyms for a different word, and it fit so perfectly.

Expose.

It means to lay open, to uncover, to present to view, to reveal, to unmask, to display.

It means to stop hiding behind the stories I tell myself of why I am not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or bold enough to make my biggest dreams come true.

It means to stop letting my social anxiety and introversion and high sensitivity keep me from trying new things and opening up.

It means to expose myself in all the ways I need to be exposed. To expose my writing to the world. To expose my true self to the men I date. To expose my feelings about politics and racism and discrimination to people, even when it feels uncomfortable. To expose myself to situations where I might feel vulnerable or scared or uncomfortable so I can open myself up to opportunities I don’t typically explore.

Expose is about letting myself be open to what’s next, to reveal my truest self even when it’s scary.

And, listen, I will continue to be my introverted, quiet self. It’s not about putting myself in situations that will only exacerbate my social anxiety or overstimulate me. I’m not sitting here, telling myself I need to get out more and stop hiding at home. I am still going to hide at home when I need to. I know what situations are terror on my nervous system and what situations aren’t. A friend hosting a get-together with a bunch of people I don’t know? Nope, that’s not a good place for me to be. A friend invites me and a couple of other people out to brunch or to see a movie? Yeah, that’s a situation I know I can handle and I’m hiding behind my social anxiety when I turn them down.

In 2017, I want to live a bit more boldly than I have ever lived before. I want to take more risks and expose my heart to the world. I want my writing published in more places than just my blog. I want to be vocal about what I believe in. I want to fall in love and take a chance with my heart.

In 2017, I want to be exposed.

Categories: About Me

The Beauty of the Solitary Life

Perhaps it’s strange, but when I was younger, I always envied the older single women in my life more than the women with families.

I constantly thought about what their lives must be like: having as much alone time as they wanted, living in a space they didn’t have to share with anybody, being able to spend whole weekends entirely alone.

I looked at them and thought to myself, That is what I want.

I felt as if there was something so spectacular about the freedom of living alone and being alone. I never have been a girl who hated being alone. I loved half-days at school because it meant I could go straight home and spend an entire afternoon before my mom came home by myself, reading or playing alone. I loved summer because I didn’t have to spend entire days in the company of other people, having to be social and active. I hated sleepovers, unless I knew my friend really really well, because it meant I’d have to be “on” for an entire evening and morning and I always craved the comfort of my own bed and home. I was never a girl who made plans with friends on the weekends because I wanted my weekends for myself: to recharge after five days of being with people all day. Even college was tough and I spent so much time holed up in my dorm room my freshman year. And if I wasn’t in my dorm room, I was holed up at the bookstore, reading a novel I’d picked off the shelf.

I never wanted to admit any of that because it was this aspect of my personality that I abhorred. I felt that there was something weird or wrong with me for needing so much alone time. Nobody else around me seemed to struggle! They all seemed to enjoy spending time with other people and had this comfort level with themselves that I didn’t have.

I didn’t understand who I was, not when I was in college and certainly not when I was younger. But as I learned about my highly sensitive nature and my introversion, all of the puzzle pieces clicked into place for me.

This is just what it means to be a highly sensitive introvert. My body physically craves alone time. My senses send me signals when I’ve had too much. Being around people is overstimulating for me because I’m taking in everyone else’s energy and spending so much time processing the environment around me. Alone time is a necessity and I need bunches of it to feel like myself again.

I need quiet, I need peace, I need only myself.

And here I am today, a girl who knows who she is. A girl who accepts who she is. A girl who loves that she’s an introvert and is completely okay with spending entire days alone.

I’m living the dream I wanted as a young girl: living alone and being alone. And it is everything I thought it would be, and more.

It is not lonely but fulfilling. Not scary, but comforting. Not overwhelming, but exactly what I need.

There’s beauty in this space that’s all my own. A space I get to decorate as I please and clean as much or as little as I want (thankfully, I inherited my mom’s obsessive cleaning tendencies!). It’s a space to come to when I’m feeling overstimulated by too much social interaction, a space to relax and recharge.

It’s my home. And it’s all mine.

This is the life I desired when I was younger and, while someday I want to move from this stage to the one that is a husband and family, I’m going to enjoy the hell out of what I have today and appreciate the space and the joy of being alone.

Categories: About Me

What Olympians Can Teach Us About Goal Setting

I love the Olympics. I love all sports, really, but I especially love the Olympics.

It makes my heart pound. It makes me anxious and nervous. It makes me shout at the TV, rooting for people whose names and stories I didn’t even know until five minutes ago. It makes my stomach fall when an athlete stumbles. It makes my eyes fill with tears when an athlete realizes the dream they have been working toward for years and years and years has finally come true: they are an Olympic gold medalist.

I love these athletes. I love their shining moments. I love watching their dreams come true.

What we see when we watch the Olympics is the sexy side of goal setting.

We’re seeing the end result. The glitz and the glamour. The bright lights and the glory.

What we don’t see is everything that led to this moment.

Take Simone Biles, as an example. She will go down in history, at least for now, as the greatest gymnast of all time.

And how did she get there? By working her ass off, day after day.

Early morning workouts. Strict eating habits. Turning down plans and proms and dates and sleepovers with friends. Spending all of her free time at the gym. Working on her routines over and over and over again. Failing and getting back up. Succeeding but knowing she still has to get back to work.

These are all the unsexy sides of goal setting. She worked for years and years and years for the Olympics. It was all work done behind the scenes. We didn’t see all the blood, sweat, and tears that led to her final floor routine, which gave her the gold medal in the all-around competition. We didn’t see all the work she had to do internally to find her confidence and poise.

But it’s all those unsexy steps that were the most important. All the early mornings and workouts and strict schedules. Those steps led to the Olympics. Those steps led to standing on top of the podium as the best gymnast in the world.

And, can I just be honest for a minute here? I truly, truly, truly hate those unsexy steps.

They are so boring, you know? They are such a slog.

I just want the final moment.

I want the cute engagement story, the goal weight, the strong body, the published novel, the robust savings account.

But do I want to do all of the hard work it takes to get to that place?

Suffering through bad dates and terrible Tinder convos. Resisting sweets and shoving salad in my mouth instead. Waking up early and pushing my body through a tough workout. Working tirelessly on a novel that may or may not become published. Turning down plans with friends and saying no to fancy vacations.

All of it takes sacrifice. (I’m trying to make a point here, but yes, I understand that Simone’s sacrifice to gymnastics is completely different than the sacrifice of going on a Tinder date.)

Our goals take so much sacrifice, and I think we (I?) have the tendency to quit when the going gets tough, to YOLO our way out of working hard because, truly, we only get one life and why should we spend it in sacrifice mode? Why should we resist what we think our body wants?

It all comes down to the question: are our goals worth it? Is the glory of the final moment worth the weeks, months, or years (at least in Simone’s case) it takes to get there?

The answer is unique to each individual, and I do think those who become Olympians have a specific drive and competitive spirit that isn’t inherent in every person. You have to want it and you have to want it more than you want anything else. Similarly, for enthusiasts seeking a distinct and historical addition, the desire to buy a real 15th century sword reflects a passion that goes beyond ordinary acquisitions, adding a touch of authenticity to one’s collection.

You have to continue to push yourself, even when the going gets tough, because of the final moment. The gold medal, the published novel, the goal weight. That’s what’s driving you, that’s what keeps you motivated when you’re down in the trenches of the unsexy part of achieving goals.

We have to want those final moments. We have to live and breathe them as if they are ours. We have to visualize how we will feel, look, and act when our dreams are fulfilled.

And then we have to go out there and press on, even when it sucks, even when it’s so hard it feels impossible, even when we want to give up and call it quits.

Achievement for most of us doesn’t mean stepping onto the top of a podium with a medal around our neck. It may only mean stepping onto a scale alone in our bathroom and cheering for ourselves when we see the number we’ve been striving for. Or taking a photo at the finish line of a 5k you worked hard to complete.

But we can still take so much inspiration from these Olympians.

The blood, the sweat, the tears… it’s all worth it. Believe it is worth it, believe there’s nothing stopping you but yourself, and work your ass off and you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

(I mean, unless your goal is to beat Katie Ledecky in any type of race in the pool because, sorry, I just don’t think that’s possible.)

Categories: About Me

What Self Care Means to Me

Self-care is one of my favorite topics, so much so that I’ve been on a mission to help friends of mine think about self-care and how to implement routines into their daily lives. I think it’s one of the strongest acts of self-kindness, to understand what self-care means to you and how to ensure you are taking care of yourself in this way.

Self-care is about the actions you take to provide a little TLC to your physical, emotional, or mental health. It’s intentional practices that you put in place to help you when you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, tired, anxious, sad, or upset. In doing so, you trigger your body to begin to relax, calm down, and get centered. It provides a routine to leave your worries behind, if only for a little bit.

Here are some of the self-care practices I use regularly:

Bubble baths – Yes, I know that this is a pretty basic self-care practice, but it truly is my most favorite one. I take a bubble bath almost daily, usually right after I get home from work. I make the water as hot as I can handle it, squeeze out soap (I use regular body wash; nothing fancy here!), and then sink into the warm water and bubbles with a book. There’s truly nothing more euphoric for me than the moment when I submerge my body below the bubbles.
Naps – I love taking naps more than anything in this world. My affinity for napping is probably why I’m so hesitant about children. (I hear there’s something about getting less sleep as a mother? Ehhhh.) There’s something so delightful about crawling into a cool bed on a warm afternoon day and falling into a deep sleep with my snoring dachshund by my side.
Five minutes of sunshine – I use this self-care practice mostly at work when I’m feeling stressed out or anxious and need a break. I take myself downstairs to this beautiful deck area that is quiet and has a great view of the water. I soak in the sunshine, let my mind wander, and enjoy the quiet. It’s blissful.
Taking a day to read a trashy romance novel – If I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed and overstimulated, I’ll spend a Saturday stretched out on my bed reading a romance novel. I have a few authors I can always count on for giving me a book I won’t want to put down. It feels so indulgent and truly helps my mental well-being.
Baking – I used this self-care routine when I moved a year ago and was feeling lost and anxious. Baking centered me. It’s such a precise science, baking is, and it requires your full attention. The end result is something sweet and tasty, and since I’m an emotional eater, that also takes care of this need for self-care.
Going for a walk while listening to a podcast – I don’t do this as often as I’d like because there aren’t too many great walking paths around me (other than Bayshore Blvd, which isn’t my favorite). But I do love a long walk by myself where I can listen to a podcast and get lost in my thoughts.

You’ll notice that all of my self-care routines are solo activities and that’s because I’m a highly sensitive introvert that needs a ton of alone time to recharge. I typically indulge in self-care when I need this recharging, and then I’m free to get out there and socialize with friends and colleagues. Extroverts (and introverts who aren’t highly sensitive) might enjoy having a long phone conversation with a good friend, window shopping at the mall, or going to the beach for the day. We all have different self-care needs and it’s up to us to build these routines into our lives so that we have an action plan in place when we need to slow down.

What self-care routines do you use?