Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Why I’m an Enneagram Nine

I finished The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery last week. I know personality frameworks are all the rage right now, and for some people, they can be a little eye-roll-y because they usually aren’t based on any actual science. And yet… there’s something about them that appeals to me.

Because even if they aren’t based on actual science, they are rooted in human experience and thoughtful analysis. Personality frameworks allow me to get to know myself better, to figure out exactly why I am the way I am, to learn coping strategies that will help me during stressful or difficult times in my life. They make me feel a part of something. They help me realize that I’m not alone, no matter how weird I think my personality is.

After reading the short descriptions of each type during the introduction of the book, I felt confident I was an Enneagram Four, but also had a strong connection to the way Enneagram Nine and Enneagram Six were described. Fours were noted as being “creative, sensitive and moody” while Nines are “pleasant, laid back and accommodating” and Sixes are “committed, practical and witty.”

After reading through the entire book, I was still on the fence. I was able to take Enneagram Six off the table, but I felt truly emotional reading about the characteristics, flaws, and motivations about both Nines and Fours. After rereading the chapters and truly digging into the strengths and weaknesses of each type, I think I can safely say that I am an Enneagram Nine. Here’s why:

I am a peacemaker to a fault.

Nines fears that expressing their preferences or asserting their agenda will put important relationships at risk and upset the calm surface of their inner sea.

A pattern of behavior I’ve started noticing in my life is my tendency to let other people make the decisions and to keep my opinion to myself the majority of the time. It’s something I do because I don’t want to rock the boat; I don’t want anybody to have any reason not to be friends with me. I always want to keep the peace and for some reason, I have this internal belief that the way to do that is to always follow the crowd and avoid conflict at all costs. It’s good in the sense that I am easy to get along with, but bad in the sense that my needs sometimes aren’t getting met in my relationships.

I’m passive in my romantic relationships.

Nines drop their healthy boundaries to fuse with a more assertive partner, whom they idealize and from whom they hope to glean a sense of identity and purpose. But after a while they don’t know where they end and the other person begins.

This passivity I have in my romantic relationships is something I’ve discussed extensively with my therapist. I want to be a strong, independent woman who stands up for what she wants and asks for what she needs, but when push comes to shove, I always fall over. I let him decide what restaurant we’re going to have dinner at, even if it means a 30-minute drive for me and a 5-minute one for him. I let him take control over how quickly the physical part of our relationship accelerates, even when I’m not completely comfortable with it. I take on his opinions, not wanting to assert my differing ones because what if he won’t like me when I do that? I’m not proud of this and it’s part of the reason I took a long break from dating. I needed to figure this out, so I can have healthier romantic relationships. So, it’s really not surprising this turned up in my Enneagram type. Not surprising at all. I’m just glad I’ve identified this, and now I can move forward in learning to be more assertive in my dating life, even when it’s wholly uncomfortable.

Making decisions can be paralyzing for me.

Because there are so many angles from which to examine an issue, so many factors to take into consideration, and so many pros and cons to fret over, Nines often never get around to deciding. They sit on the fence and agonize over what to do while waiting for someone else to make the decision or for the situation to naturally work itself out on its own.

Oh, do I ever struggle with making a decision, especially when the decision involves other people. For example, I agonized over where to go for my birthday dinner because I wanted to choose a place that everyone would enjoy and nobody would have to drive far to get to. When I make dinner plans with friends, I barely ever make a decision on where to go, instead following their lead. It can take me forever to finally push “order” on an item, even when I know it’s something I need. Making decisions is just not my forte, which means I’m probably not suited for a management role and that’s something I’m A-OK with.

I don’t often believe my opinion is important.

Nines will sometimes abandon their own opinion or defer to someone else’s, either because they’re uncertain or simply because they want to blend in and get along with them.

I am conflict-avoidant to the extreme, and it’s never more obvious than the times I have to give my opinion. Since I’m very attuned to people’s thoughts and feelings, I can often give them the opinion they want to hear, not always the one I think is right. I want to be opinionated and stand up for what I believe in, but when I come faced with the choice to do so, I will always defer to the other person. For a long time, I believe I was a conservative, pro-life Republican because that’s the way I was raised and I didn’t want to rock the boat. I wanted to keep the status quo until enough was enough. It was then I realized what I believe in and what’s important to me when it comes to politics, and it was not being a conservative, pro-life Republican. This is the one area of my life where I have begun to be more vocal and assert my opinion, and it honestly feels so good to do so.

I’m an easy person to get along with.

Loyal and kind, they will go above and beyond the call of duty to support you. They’re fun, flexible and don’t complain too much. They love life’s simple pleasures.

I don’t ask for much from other people. Now that can be good and bad because it means sometimes my needs aren’t getting met, but for the most part, it’s a good quality. It means I’m just happy being with people, full stop. I don’t expect the world from them and I want to support them in any way I can. And I’m fiercely loyal to those I call my own. If you’re in my circle of trust, I will defend you to my death.

I am a natural mediator.

Supportive, nonjudgmental and inclusive, they build bridges and bring people together in a spirit of cooperation.

As a Nine, my goal in life is peace. I want inner peace, outer peace, world peace, all the peace. I want peace in my relationships, in my work environment, in my home. And I will work hard to make sure that happens. I am inclusive and cooperative and supportive of every kind of viewpoint. I can see both sides of every issue and I want to bring people together.

I am my best self in a low-stress work environment.

Creatures of habit, Nines appreciate structure, predictability and routine in the workplace. Nines don’t like to bring work home, and they definitely don’t like interruptions on weekends or vacation.

My current job is perfect for me. I am given free rein to work at my own pace and prioritize my own tasks. I do not have a boss breathing over my shoulder. I am also not required to work overtime or work on the weekends, even when I’m behind. I have a set monthly schedule and life at work is predictable for me. And I love that. It’s not that every day is the same, but that I have a predictability to my workflow that is determined by me and that’s exactly what I need to feel confident and happy at work.

When stressed, I become more anxious and self-doubtful. In security, I am goal-oriented and confident.

In the book, the author makes a point to talk about how each type reacts in times of high stress and times when we’re feeling safe and secure. This is the area where I could really type myself as a Nine over a Four. When I’m stressed, making decisions is harder than ever and my anxiety is through the roof. And, even worse, my temper has a short fuse and I can react emotionally to even the slightest barb. When I’m feeling secure, though, there’s no better feeling. I can make decisions with confidence and genuinely understand my place in this world and why I matter.

My “wing” is One.

Nines with a One wing have a strong sense of the difference between right and wrong … The 9w1s are more critical, orderly, introverted and passive-aggressive than other Nines.

One of the things I love about the Enneagram is the fact that it takes into consideration that we’re human and fluid and ever-changing. Our motivations never change, but the way we react to external stimuli can. This is why each type has two wings, and you fall in one wing or the other. For me, I’m a Nine with a One wing.

***

So, what does all of this knowledge mean for me now? Well, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I do know it will prompt me to acknowledge when I’m acting more in line with the “negative” parts of my type: not being decisive, passivity in relationships, feeling like my opinion doesn’t matter, etc. In doing so, I am hopeful to work towards being more of a healthy Nine, someone who is a peacemaker but not a pushover, who is inclusive to all points of view without forgetting her own, who can make decisions in a confident manner.

It’s up to me to take this knowledge and let it guide my life in a healthy manner. I think I’m up for the challenge.

Do you know your Enneagram type? If so, let me know what it is!

Categories: About Me

Thirty-One

Today, I’m thirty-one years old.

Growing up, it was impossible to picture myself in my thirties. Would I ever be that old? I didn’t think so. Then again, it’s hard for me to picture myself in my forties or fifties right now. It just seems so unfathomable that this body, this soul I’ve been walking around in for more than three decades, will get there. It’s happening less and less often, but I can’t lie: sometimes there are days I still feel like I’m a teenager.

Oh, I’m the adult who has to make a call to the cable company about a bill dispute?

Oh, it’s up to me to keep track of all of my doctor’s appointments?

It’s weird to be the adult. To be the one who is trusted to make the decisions. To be the one who feels comfortable making the decisions. Because I am. I’m comfortable making decisions and calling companies and scheduling appointments. It’s not weird anymore. It hasn’t been weird for a while.

Thirty was not a good year for me. In fact, I’d venture to say that it was the worst year of my life. It was a year filled with loss, depression, uncomfortable changes at work, and loneliness.

I should have known it wasn’t going to be a banner year for me, as I kicked it off by breaking my ankle while helping a friend move. A few months later, my beloved dog Dutch died. He was my constant companion for nearly a decade, and I still don’t know how I’m moving forward in life without him. During the second half of 30, I battled intense anxiety that had me requesting a change to my anti-anxiety meds, and then a bout of depression knocked me down for a number of months. It was also during this time that an influx of my coworkers – the ones who were my dear friends and who had gotten me through every bad day over the past 4-5 years – left the company. I’m left with just one remaining friend, and while I like the majority of my coworkers, they are just that… my coworkers. They aren’t also my friends, my work wives, my soulmates. With my friends moving onto new jobs, I’ve spent the past few months wondering what’s next for me. Am I happy here, am I challenged, is this where I’m supposed to be? I don’t really have the answers to any of those questions.

And then, my Pops unexpectedly passed away. I didn’t expect to lose him this year, not at all. I expected to have decades left with him. He was only 77! His last health screening had come back negative for any health problems! How could he be gone? Losing him was unexpected – and traumatic – and the grief is overwhelming. My heart feels like it lives in the pit of my stomach at all times; my shoulders feel burdened by the weight of losing him.

So, yes. Thirty was not kind to me, and I really hope it’s not a precursor for what is to come in my thirties.

This year wasn’t all bad, of course. My friends threw me a fun, low-key birthday party where they surprised me with the most thoughtful gifts (including a “30 Reasons We Love Stephany” print that I look at constantly). I went on a week-long cruise with my mom where I rode horses through a jungle in Belize, zip-lined in Honduras, and sipped fruity cocktails poolside in Cozumel. I spent a weekend on Anna Maria Island with my girlfriends. I watched one of my best friends get married. I was thrilled when my mom adopted the sweetest dachshund puppy whom she named Chip (after her favorite food: chocolate chip cookies) who has sewn my heart back together. And I celebrated two years of solo living.

It hasn’t been a good year, but there were moments of goodness sprinkled throughout.

For the past few years, as I turn a new age and take stock of my life, I have always seemed to find myself lacking. No partner, no weight loss, no novel, no big change. I’m never where I think I should be at this time. Many people my age are married or in serious relationships. They have children – multiple! – and fully settled into parenthood. They have impressive career titles or are homeowners or go on dazzling vacations every year.

It’s so easy to find yourself lacking when you look at what other people are doing.

It’s so easy to not find anything impressive about your life when you’re just looking at others.

But when I take stock of my life today, I am so goddamn happy with it. I don’t have all the things I thought I wanted, but maybe I don’t actually want them. Or maybe just not right now. There’s always this “grass is greener” mentality for the things we see in others that we find lacking in ourselves, but just because other friends are married doesn’t mean I need to be. Just because they take solo European vacations doesn’t mean I should. Just because they bought a home doesn’t mean it’s the right move for me.

When I keep my eyes on my own paper, when I look at where I came from and where I am today, I can’t feel anything but immense pride for the woman I am today. I am genuinely happy with my life. I am obsessed with my friends and even more so with my family. I am still best friends with my mom and just a phone call from her lights up my world. I feel empowered by my job, and still really like what I do, even after five years (and even after all my friends have left, wah). I’m financially stable and have my very own adorable apartment that is my refuge. I didn’t go on a single date in these past 11 months, and I feel good about that. I feel happy and secure in my singleness for the first time in a long time. I’m leading the life I want to lead, and there’s nothing more powerful than that.

I am oh-so-ready to say goodbye to 30 because it was a tremendously difficult year for me. I am expecting big things from 31. I want to lose weight. I want to finally finish that damn novel. I want to grow my savings and learn more about investing. I want to shop less, watch more movies, and spend more time by the pool. I want to adopt kittens and be the cat-mom I always knew I could be. I want to take a solo vacation, visit the Grand Canyon, and finally see Washington D.C. Mostly, though, I just want to enjoy this one beautiful life I have. It’s not a perfect life, but it’s my life. And I want to enjoy it as much as I possibly can.

Categories: About Me

Some Thoughts on Anxiety, Medication, and Shame

It’s been a rocky few months when it comes to my mental illness. There was an intense depressive episode in June and then a string of high-anxiety days that had me feeling overwhelmed by my brain. More than once, I remember thinking to myself, “I cannot live like this. This is too much.”

I didn’t say that in a suicidal way, but more in an I-need-to-figure-this-out-so-I-can-live-better way. But truthfully, I didn’t know if I had it in me to figure it out. I was trying to recover from my depressive episode while also dealing with riotous anxiety-ridden thoughts, and I didn’t know what to do or where to turn to make it all stop. I was so mentally exhausted.

And then my mom said something to me that flipped the switch: “Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds.”

Light bulb. 

It was one of those moments where someone else offered the simplest suggestion to a problem, and you’re just like, “Well, yeah. Duh. Why didn’t I think of that?”

So, I made an appointment to see my doctor.

I’m always nervous to talk to my doctor about my anxiety and meds. For some reason, I worry that she’s going to think I’m lying. Or being dramatic.

That’s why I didn’t start taking anxiety meds until just recently. I just couldn’t work up my nerve to talk to my doctor. It’s hard when your illness is invisible. While I know the way I’ve been feeling isn’t normal, she doesn’t. It’s not like I can take a blood test and prove I have anxiety. Instead, I had to trust that my doctor wouldn’t be indifferent to my pain. I had to trust that I could be honest with her and she would hear me and help me come up with a solution.

Thankfully, I had nothing to worry about. My doctor listened to me, even though I stumbled over my words and couldn’t articulate all the ways my anxiety affected my life. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro and off I went.

Going back to the doctor to explain that the meds hadn’t been working as well as they used to was just as hard as the first time I asked for help. I was again worried that she wouldn’t hear me. Worried that she was thinking I was trying to game the system or something.

And again, my worries were unfounded because my doctor listened to me and talked to me about my options. We decided to double my dose of Lexapro.

I left the office feeling, for the first time ever, shame.

I’ve never, ever felt shame about my anxiety or needing to take medication to manage it. I understand that my brain just functions differently than those who do not experience anxiety and depression and that the medication is necessary to balance it all out.

So, this feeling of shame was a new experience. I think it stemmed from this idea that I wasn’t getting “better.” Shouldn’t I be at the point where I could drop my dosage from 10mg to 5mg… not double it? Shouldn’t my brain be fixed by now?

Obviously, I know all of these thoughts are irrational. You don’t “fix” anxiety, you learn how to manage it. Just as you cannot “fix” a chronic illness… the same is true for anxiety.

Some people are able to figure out how to manage their anxiety without meds, and perhaps one day I’ll be able to do that, but that’s not my end game. My end game is to learn how to manage my anxiety so that it doesn’t interfere with my daily life. So that it doesn’t keep me from participating in things I want to do and investing in my relationships and finishing that novel I’ve always wanted to write. And that probably means I’ll spend the rest of my life on anxiety meds. I’m A-OK with that.

The truth is, the shame of doubling my anxiety dosage disappeared after I realized how much better I feel now. I was in a really dark and miserable place for May and June and part of July. I could barely summon the energy for even the most basic tasks. Just a few weeks on this higher dosage, and I’ve found myself again. I don’t only feel more stable and in control over my emotions, but I’m actually happy. I actually feel fulfilled. I have energy again and find myself excited about life and what’s next for me.

And there’s definitely no shame in needing a higher dosage of anxiety medication to make me feel like that.

Categories: About Me

I’m An Introverted HSP Who Loves Taking Cruises

I’m not really the person you’d expect to be passionate about cruising. I’m an introvert. I’m shy. I’m reserved. I like low-key activities like reading. I’m a highly sensitive person, which means loud noises and lots of people overwhelm me.

And yet… there is no better way to vacation than a cruise, in my very humble opinion. There is nothing that makes me happier or more excited or more fulfilled than being on a cruise ship.

But I’ll also be honest: it’s not easy to cruise when you have high sensitivity. These ships and the activities on board aren’t made for people like me. They’re made for those who enjoy a loud party atmosphere and meeting new people and being outside.

But the truth is, you can be a Highly Sensitive Person and take a cruise without feeling overwhelmed at all times. It takes a little work and a lot of patience, but you can make it work. Here’s how I do it:

1) Your cabin is your safe space.

I spend a lot of time in my cabin when I’m on a cruise. I know some people don’t pay much attention to their cabin because “you’re only there to sleep!” but that is not true for us introverted HSPs who crave sanctuary and alone time. I really pay attention to the cabin, and this time around, my mom and I opted to spend a little extra to have a balcony and it was well worth the money. It was nice to be able to step outside and enjoy the fresh air and views without contending with people.

As an HSP, it’s hard for me to nap anywhere but in my room. (My mom has no problem falling asleep around a busy deck, but it’s not possible for me.) I like to spend the late afternoon hours napping in my cabin. Plus, hello, a bed is way more comfortable than a deck chair when it comes to napping. I enjoy being out and about and exploring the ship, but I also like to spend a good amount of time in my quiet cabin. It becomes my safe space where I can get away from all the busyness on the ship.

2) Opt for Your Time Dining.

On our first few cruises, my mom and I always did the seated dining option, where we were forced to be in the dining room at a specific time and always put at a huge table with strangers. Usually, there were 6-10 strangers that we would have to make small talk with for the entire dinner, and that just wasn’t fun for me. I started to realize that I got super grumpy right before dinnertime – solely because I knew it would take a lot out of me. I just wanted to enjoy my dinner, not have to talk to other people!

And then my mom and I got smart and decided to do Your Time dining. With this option, you can show up in the dining room at whatever time you want between 5:45PM-9:30PM and you can get seated at your own table. It gave us the freedom to choose when we wanted to eat and also allowed us to just enjoy dinner with the two of us. Since we’re both introverts and fairly shy, it suits our personalities the best.

3) Yes, the lido deck is very overwhelming. 

Here’s the truth: I hate the lido deck. Just walking through it on my way to something else makes me grumpy and overwhelmed. There is always so much going on between all of the people and the loud music, and it’s just not my scene. It means I don’t participate in the deck parties or even stick around to watch some of the events, like the hairy chest competition. Nope. Not for me. It gets too loud and chaotic.

The lido deck is where it’s at when it comes to cruising, but I had to recognize that my nervous system is too sensitive to handle being there when it’s the most crowded. Thankfully, I cruise with my mom and she’s also not keen on the lido deck. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to cruise with a partner or a group of friends who would want to spend the majority of their time on the lido deck. (It probably wouldn’t be a very satisfying cruise for me!)

And sure, I feel like a Debbie downer sometimes because of how much I hate the lido deck, but I’ve come to realize that my needs are way more important than trying to enjoy something that I don’t like for the sake of appearances. I know that the lido deck is too much for me, which is why I love places like the Serenity Deck that allow me to enjoy being out on the decks, but in a quieter space.

4) Choose your excursions wisely.

For me, 1-2 active excursions are my limit, but I really try to go all out on those excursions, trying new things and doing activities that I wouldn’t do in my normal, day-to-day life. On this last cruise, which was seven days and included four back-to-back stops, we did two active excursions (horseback riding and zip-lining). The other days in port were spent at an all-inclusive resort (and we were both ready to go after 4-5 hours) and just walking around.

It can be very tempting to schedule fun, exciting excursions in every port, but HSPs have to be mindful of their nervous systems. Trying new things can be overstimulating for us and being on the go with little downtime can be exhausting. I really recommend taking a good look at all the different excursions offered in each port and finding the ones that excite you the most. The rest of the time, just keep it low-key. You may not even get off the ship in one of the ports, and that’s totally fine, too!

5) Don’t be afraid to be boring.

One of the things I often tell people who are interested in cruising is that there’s really something for everyone. It’s a great vacation for extroverts who want to meet new people and stay busy, and it’s a great vacation for introverted HSPs like me who just want a low-key, relaxing time. And this is why I want to tell my fellow HSPs that it’s totally okay to be boring.

Don’t feel like checking out the nightly entertainment? You do you – play a game in the library or go back to your cabin to read.

Overwhelmed by the busyness of the lido deck? Take a seat on one of the inside benches, where you can enjoy the view of the water without the pumping music to distract you.

Too tired to deal with the thought of getting ready for dinner? Order yourself some room service and delight in being purely lazy and purely you.

You get to choose how this vacation works for you. For me, I’m not very interested in the lido deck activities or many of the onboard shows, but I love playing bingo, watching the Love & Marriage show, and seeing the PG comedy. Those are usually the only activities I make it to. Everything else… not for me. You can find me playing cards with my mom in our cabin by 9pm.

Categories: About Me

Growing Up with Christian Pop Culture

We all have something embarrassing in our pasts. All. Of. Us. Even though I like to believe that everyone else around me grew up in a charmed household, it’s simply not true. There’s always something from your past that embarrasses you or causes you to feel shame or you try to keep hidden from the rest of the world. It’s just human nature.

For me, it was the fact that I wasn’t allowed to listen to anything but Christian music throughout my childhood.

Listening to Christian music is so ingrained in me that it’s only been in the last few years that I’ve felt comfortable turning on the “secular” radio station when I’m in the car with my mom.

But Christian music is what I grew up on. Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Amy Grant, Carmen, Rachael Lampa, Stacie Orrico, Jaci Velasquez, Plus One, Audio Adrenaline, dc Talk, Newsboys… this is what I listened to. This is all we listened to in my house. (Well, excluding my father who didn’t believe in God and tried to get me to love classic rock as much as he did… but I just wasn’t into it.)

I mean, of course, once my brother and I grew a little older, we sneaked in our secular music. I was partial, as all 90s girls were, to NSYNC and Britney and Christina and Backstreet Boys, but I knew in my heart that was not the kind of music a “good Christian girl” listened to, so I tried to hide it and remember throwing away my Christian Aguilera self-titled album in front of my mom to show her what a good little Christian I was.

And it wasn’t just Christian music that I consumed, but I also tried to stay away from specific movies and TV shows. And most of the books I read from the time I was a teenager until my early twenties were Christian books. In fact, I remember how much I struggled with feelings of guilt and shame when I would pick up a Harlequin romance, scurrying to the back of the library where they kept all of those paperbacks with the purple spines and silly titles and surreptitiously picking out a few romances to read. And then secretly reading them, feeling guilty, and telling myself that I would only read Christian fiction from here on out. Until I found myself, once again, at the back of the library, looking at those naughty-to-me romances.

And so it was this part of my life that always felt vastly different from my peers, especially during middle school and high school. Those are the times in your life when you need to connect with your friends more than ever, and I always felt a little different. Even my church friends (who I was never especially close to anyway) seemed to have a better grasp on pop culture than I did. They could listen to secular music and go to concerts and do all the things the so-called normal kids were doing. Me? I was different. Life for me was different.

For me, Christian music is what I grew up on, Christian music is what I love and what brings me the most peace, and, honestly, Christian music is still my favorite genre. It feels super vulnerable to admit that and to tell the world that I just really want to jam out to Chris Tomlin or Matthew West or Tenth Avenue North when I’m in my car, not Taylor Swift or Demi Lovato or Bruno Mars. It’s not cool, you know? It wasn’t even cool when I was growing up and surrounded by my church friends. And I was obsessed with trying to be cool when I was in my teens, even though I always failed miserably.

Sometime last year, I looked at my main Spotify playlist and realized it was filled with Christian music and I started to feel weird about it. Not because I didn’t love the music, but because I didn’t know if I truly believed in the message behind the words. A few years ago, I would have never questioned the message of my favorite Christian songs, but here I am now, wondering what faith means to me and if it’s authentic to be listening to Christian music. Because even though it brings me great joy and immense peace, do I even deserve that if I’m not sure if I believe in religion anymore?

And then a podcast entered my life. Specifically Good Christian Fun. Honestly, I didn’t know how much I needed this podcast in my life. The premise of this show is that they discuss one piece of Christian pop culture with each episode, whether that be a Christian movie like Fireproof or a Christian artist like Rebecca St. James. Basically, it’s my childhood in a nutshell and it’s so gratifying to relate so well to a podcast. To feel heard. To feel understood. Additionally, every week they bring on a guest to discuss the subject matter with them, and before any discussion happens, the guest gives them their “guestimony” (guest + testimony) to talk about their faith background and where they are at with their faith today. It is these segments that have helped me to realize that struggling to come to terms with the religion I was raised in and what I believe in now is just a part of the growing-up process.

But it’s not just the guestimonies that feel so relatable, but also learning about the guest’s relationship to Christian and mainstream pop culture. One time they had a guest one who talked about how jealous she was of her friends who got to listen to secular music and go to concerts. Yes, yes, yes. I’m not the only one. It’s not just me who felt different from my peers. There are people who had the same upbringing as me, with parents (in my case, a parent) that was super strict with the type of media their children consumed and there was no questioning it.

Look, I don’t want to make my mom out to be a bad person because she wasn’t and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything just because I never went to an NSYNC concert. I’m not that much of an entitled brat. It was more of the fact that I couldn’t relate to my friends than it was of rebelling against my mom’s rules. I never really rebelled against them because I liked Christian music and books. I really did! I still enjoy Christian music and read the odd nonfiction Christian book every now and then.

And truthfully, I was so, so lucky to have a mother who cared about me so deeply that she closely monitored what I was consuming. I remember our conversations about the songs Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were singing, conversations that I remember scoffing at when I was a dumb 11-year-old, but now I can see the love and devotion in them. She wanted me to consume music that had the “right” message (which is subjective, I know), and she went to great lengths to help me understand the benefits of Christian music over pop music.

Good Christian Fun has truly been instrumental in helping me come to terms with my affinity for Christian pop culture, and especially my love for Christian music. It’s something that always used to embarrass me because I could never give a good answer to “who’s your favorite band?” and was always self-conscious about my “goody two-shoes Christian girl” answer. But there’s no use in being embarrassed about what we like, is there? So what if I enjoy Christian music more than mainstream pop? So what if I’m still trying to figure out what my faith means, even while singing along to a Chris Tomlin worship song? All that really matters is that we figure out what makes us feel good and at peace, no matter how other people may judge us for it.

Judge away. I’ll be over here dancing in my kitchen to Plus One’s debut album and laughing at all of the memories these songs bring up for me.