I’m 31 and not sure if I want to have children. There are days when I long for babies and feel like something essential is missing from my life. My children are missing. And then there are days when I can’t fathom being a mother and feel like there is nothing I want less than to have children tugging on me. I wonder which side of me is the true side. Do I long for motherhood because I’ve been socially conditioned for it? Or am I trying to protect my heart from the possibility of never having children by telling myself I don’t want them?
***
I had a conversation with a friend recently where she wondered about women who say they don’t have any desire for motherhood. She couldn’t wrap her mind around that thought. Are these women just lying to themselves? How does a woman just not want to have children? Isn’t it ingrained in our psyche to want them?
I don’t think my friend meant any malice by this. I think she was genuinely baffled by it, as someone who deeply desires motherhood for herself. Even so, I left that conversation feeling a mix of emotions and I haven’t been able to get our discussion out of my head.
I didn’t tell her about my apprehension toward motherhood then. I always find it hard to give my opinion when someone is arguing strongly about a point. I’m an Enneagram 9 through and through, which means I always take the path of least resistance to maintain the peace. But what I wanted to tell her was that I’m not sure I want kids for myself and that I don’t think I’m lying to myself when I say that. I don’t think any “childless by choice” woman is lying to herself. In fact, I think these women are being their truest selves.
***
I worked in a daycare throughout college. At first, I worked there because I was getting an education degree and thought it would be a good experience. And then, after I changed my major to journalism, I found a job at a different daycare because the hours were perfect for my schedule and I never had to work weekends.
Before working in a daycare, I was pretty much convinced I’d be a mother. In fact, I imagined having a big family. At least three kids, maybe four. Daycare threw me for a loop. It was there I learned how needy children are, how exhausting. I left every shift tired to the bone and not sure how these parents did it. Working all day and parenting all night. This is when I started questioning if I wanted kids.
Working at a daycare is really great birth control, you guys.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved the children at the daycare. I still think of them fondly. But I found myself wondering constantly what I was doing there. I didn’t enjoy these kids as much as the other teachers did. They were whiny and needy and overwhelming and way too silly at times. They were also cute and precocious and hilarious and smart, of course. But it felt like there was a wall up between me and the kids. I wasn’t as silly as some of the teachers or as friendly as others. I preferred the days when I could hide away in the kitchen, making breakfast and lunch. I found playing with the kids tedious and doing art projects chaotic. I just don’t have that natural ability to be around kids and enjoy their silliness. I know this doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy motherhood – lots of mothers are like me but thoroughly delight in their own children. It’s just another mark in the con column for me.
***
In the book, Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids, many of the writers talk about the main reason for not having children is that they want to be able to do what they want, when they want. They want to travel and grow their careers and not be limited by family. I get that, I do. But that’s not why I’m on the fence about children myself. I’m mostly concerned that I wouldn’t enjoy motherhood very much.
I worry about the tedium of it all and the exhaustion and never having time to myself. I’m used to having lots of alone time right now. I’m used to slow mornings and evenings, lazy weekends, and making a schedule that’s my own. I’ve followed women online who seem to have the same sensibilities as me, and these women are honest about the struggle of motherhood. The messy parts. I’m glad they are opening up about what motherhood truly looks like for them, but from this outsider’s perspective, it seems that they don’t particularly enjoy motherhood all that much. It makes me question if it’s a life I want for myself. I don’t know if I desire motherhood so strongly that I’m willing to put up with the messiness of it for the beauty.
Also, can we talk about how I’m an incredibly anxious person who constantly worries about something bad happening to my loved ones? I don’t know how I’d survive it with my own flesh and blood, a tiny human I made. How could I let her ever go anywhere without me? The world is a scary place. My Lexapro prescription would need an upgrade.
***
This past weekend, I visited my younger nephew at the summer camp he attended, which was filled with young kids, three and four-year-olds. I’m at the age where being around children should make me desire to have babies of my own, but all I could think about while I was there was how happy I was to be childless and be able to go home to my quiet apartment with my cats. I felt nothing but ambivalence when I looked at these children, not any sort of desire to be a regular young mom picking up my kid.
And look, I know it is different when it’s your own children. It’s different with my nephews whom I greatly adore and love spending time with. And that’s what keeps me on this weird tug-of-war between wanting kids and not wanting kids. Because I know the tedium and exhaustion would be worth it when they’re my own children. I know I will delight in them and be completely obsessed with everything they do. I know I will take joy in the messy parts because they’re mine and I get to be their mom. And I also believe I would be a good mom. I’m a natural nurturer, I’m affectionate with the ones I love, and I love deeply. (Plus, I have the best mom in the world as my role model!)
***
I’m not sure where I fall on the topic of motherhood, quite frankly. I do know that I would never attempt parenting on my own, so it’s all really a moot point unless I find someone I want to spend my life with. (And the way my love life is going… well…) Should I find someone and he desires children, I’d probably seriously consider having a baby. Never say never, you know? But I also don’t feel like I need children to make my life complete – just as I don’t need a partner. I’m really happy being 31 and childless with no plans for children anytime in the near future.
Maybe I’ll hear that biological clock start ticking in the next few years as my mid-thirties draw closer and closer. But for now, it’s quiet and I like it that way.
I feel like I need a disclaimer of sorts here. I am in no way disparaging mothers or those who desire motherhood. You are the lifeblood of our society and I deeply respect the work you do every day for your children and your family. And my heart is with those who long for children and are still waiting. These are simply my thoughts on motherhood for me. I may look back on this post in a few years and laugh about how wrong I was. I may not. But I wanted to begin a discussion about the weird dichotomy between wanting children and not wanting them. I think a lot of us are more unsure about it than we let on. <3
