Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

All About Sleep (Part II)

I was rather surprised by the response to my post where I talked all about sleep. Y’all, we have a lot of thoughts and feelings about sleep, top sheets, and pillows. (Way too many of you sleep with one flat pillow, and I don’t even understand that life.) It was fun to read all the comments and all your strong feelings about sleep. As my friend Steph put it, “Who knew sleeping was a topic that people could talk about so much?!” Apparently, it’s a hot topic!

So, I’m happy to continue this topic with Part II and this one is even longer than Part I. Oops! I have a lot to say about sleep!

My Ideal Sleep Schedule

I’ve thought about this a lot. If I could have my ideal sleep schedule, what would it look like? And here’s what I’ve discovered:

  • I’d like to wake up early – ideally around 5AM. I’d get a bunch of work done in these early morning hours. These are when I am productive and creative and focused.
  • Then, I’d take a nap around 9AM. There is nothing in the world I love more than a mid-morning nap. There’s something about them. I fall into a deep sleep and when I wake up, I still have the majority of my day left.
  • I’d wake up from this mid-morning nap around noon and get on with my day.
  • I’d go to bed around 10:30PM. It’s always such a struggle for me to get to bed early and a 10:30 bedtime is my norm lately and that feels good (and it would feel better if I could take my mid-morning nap every day, haha).

However, I do not have a life conducive to this schedule. I guess that’s one of the perks of working for yourself but, alas, I am not cut out for that. Instead, I work a regular 9-to-5. For this schedule, I wake up at 5AM on the days I work out and between 6-6:30AM on the days I do not. Ideally, I would go to bed by 9PM if I’m waking up early the next day for a workout, and 10PM if I know I’ll get an extra hour-ish of sleep. That doesn’t seem like a pie-in-the-sky dream – it’s very doable! I just need to manage my time better when I get home from work so that I’m ready to start winding down in the 8:00 hour.

How I Deal with Lack of Sleep

There have been two times in my life where I have had to deal with lack of sleep – the year I had insomnia and the last year of Dutch’s life.

I don’t really know how I functioned the year I had insomnia. I was in sixth grade and I think I managed to get Principal’s List one semester that year, Honor Roll all of the other semesters. So, apparently, it didn’t affect my education. I also rode my bike to and from school (it was about a mile) and I don’t remember that being a big deal. Hmm.

During the last year of Dutch’s life, I never knew how well or not well he was going to sleep. There were nights when he would spend an hour or two rearranging himself in bed over and over again. There were nights when he woke me up at 1am, needing to go out, and then he would be restless for an hour before he finally fell back asleep. It was never consistent and eventually, I put him on medication to help him sleep.

So, how did I deal with that? Honestly, I just put on my big girl pants and handled it. There’s nothing you can really do when you’re not getting proper sleep, especially if it’s due to an outside force like a baby or an elderly dog. It’s also way different when you’re not getting sleep due to an old dog because I knew the only way I would get a good night’s sleep again was when Dutch died, and I didn’t want that. So I just dealt with it. I took naps when I could. Sometimes, I used sick time to go home and take a nap in the afternoon because I was barely functioning. And I gave myself lots of grace, telling myself that my job was to take care of this sweet, sweet pup in the last months of his life and there was nothing in the world more important than that. My job was to make sure he was comfortable, felt safe, and knew I was always there. (And now I’ll move on before we’re all crying! Ack!)

How I Sleep on Vacation

This is one of my strengths! I have never struggled with sleeping on vacation, thankfully. I typically wake up early (I’m always one of the early risers during girls’ trips), but that’s pretty normal for me anyway. I will say that I am always, always happy to come home and sleep in my own bed when vacation is over. (There is truly nothing better than that first post-vacation rest in my own bed.) And I always feel a little out-of-sorts when I’m falling asleep on vacation. It’s just that weird feeling of being in an unfamiliar environment and on an unfamiliar bed (and there are never enough pillows to satisfy me).

However, sleeping on vacation is totally different if I’m traveling with someone I’m dating. It definitely takes me longer to fall asleep and I feel like I wake up more frequently throughout the night. I think it’s just because I’m not used to sharing my bed and I’m trying to be mindful of how I look, and if I’m snoring, and if I’m hogging the blanket. There’s just a lot of awkwardness to sleep, ha, and it’s made even worse when you’re trying to sleep next to someone you’re attracted to. 😉

Snoring and Drooling

I can’t remember if the hosts of The Girl Next Door talked about snoring and drooling when they sleep, but I’m going to talk about it because I do both. Oh yes, I can’t tell you how sexy I feel when I wake up next to a pile of drool on my pillow. It’s an unfortunate reality of my life. I think it’s mostly due to my sleep position (side sleepers tend to be more drooly than stomach or back sleepers), and I have lots of girlfriends who assure me they are droolers at night too.

And, yes, I am a snorer. I am super self-conscious about my snoring because a romantic partner once joked about it to me constantly (meanwhile, homeboy was a snorer as well but I was nice enough not to say anything about it) and it just hit my sensitivity button. So now, when I’m on a trip with my girlfriends, I always volunteer for the couch because I’m so worried about keeping my friends up all night with my snoring (even though almost all of them have snoring husbands/partners and tell me frequently that it wouldn’t bother them).

How I Dream

I would like for people to stop insisting that they don’t dream. Everyone dreams and if you really don’t, then you’re not reaching REM sleep ever and that’s a real big problem. We have multiple dreams every night, but odds are, we just forget them. We typically only remember the dreams that are super wacky or super scary. (Case in point: I recently dreamed about going to a NYE party where everyone had to be killed off one by one, and the people at the party were the ones who had to do the killing. Do you see why I don’t watch scary movies?! My subconscious is a scary enough place to be!)

I actually love talking about dreams, how we dream, and the meaning behind what we dream. I truly think they are often related to the things we’re going through in our lives. For example, at the end of 2018, I had numerous dreams about death, and they were so explicit and tragic that I had to look up what it all meant. Dreaming about death often symbolizes transformation, new beginnings, and positive inner changes. It felt so symbolic when I looked at these dreams this way. I was emerging from a miserable year full of loss and heartache and depression… and my subconscious was telling me that I would be transformed in this new year. It would be a year of rebirth for me. So yeah, I’m very resolute in my opinion that everyone dreams and our dreams matter in the grand scheme of things.

What I Set My Thermostat at for Sleep

I can only get a good night’s rest when my apartment is seriously cold. My thermostat is set at 73 degrees, and if it’s even one degree higher, I will notice the difference and not be able to sleep well. I realize how ridiculous I probably sound, but I am not willing to budge on this point (thankfully, the one time I lived with a roommate, she was happy to keep the apartment set at a temperature that was most comfortable for me. See also: she ruined me for all other roommates.) For me, this means higher energy bills than is typical for an apartment my size but I am so willing to pay for that comfort. (EDIT: I got a few comments about my thermostat setting. I live in Florida, my friends. When I say my thermostat is set at 73 degrees, I’m talking about AC. I use my heater RARELY – like I can count on one hand how many times I’ve turned it on and usually only for a few hours until the apartment has warmed up a bit. I realize that I wrote this post in the middle of winter, so everyone else is thinking about heaters. Ha. Nope. That 73 degrees is for AC!)

Are you a snorer or drooler? What’s your thermostat set at for nighttime?

Categories: About Me

All About Sleep (Part I)

A few months ago, I was listening to an episode of the Girl Next Door podcast and they were talking about a topic that I thought would make for a really fun blog post: sleep! So, I dutifully copied down all the different categories they talked about throughout their discussion on sleep and I’m excited to share my thoughts on what sleep looks like in my life. However, when I started writing this post, I realized I have a lot to say and I’m a bit wordy so I’m going to break this post into two parts, publishing the second part next week.

How Much I Sleep

I have always felt that I need more sleep than the average person. I’m a Highly Sensitive Person, which means my nervous system is wired differently than most people and I get overstimulated much more easily. So, I think the fact that I need more sleep isn’t just in my head. I think it’s a real thing because the world is just a lot for me and exhausts me easily. I’d love to get 9-10 hours a night, but I regularly get around 7-8. I’m happy with that, though. Anything less than 7 hours and I can’t function. (And yes, I realize what that sounds like to parents of young children. Everything is relative! Also, my need for sleep is one of the reasons I’m still on the fence about kids, haha.)

What I Sleep In

I love long pajama pants. They’re just so cozy for lounging! However, those pajama pants get shucked off the minute it’s time for bed. My typical sleeping uniform is a tank top or large t-shirt and underwear. I need my legs free of any constricting material. (And don’t even get me started on socks. No to socks when sleeping.)

How I Sleep

I am trying to train my body to become a side sleeper, mostly because my favorite sleeping position (on my stomach with my arms splayed over my head) has resulted in awful lower back pain. But I love sleeping on my stomach! It’s the most comfortable position for me.

Pillows, Blankets, & Sheets

I have a lot to say about this topic. I’ll start by listing out what is on my bed when I sleep:

  • A fitted sheet – I recently bought new sheets for my bed that cost a pretty penny but they are so soft and comfortable and make me feel oh-so-cozy.
  • A quilt – I always use a quilt. Yes, even in the summertime in Florida.
  • Medium-firm pillows – My pillows need to be soft but not too soft, firm but not too firm. So, medium-firm. And I need a lot of them. Currently, I have six. I would be okay with more.
  • A body pillow – This is what I snuggle with at night. It’s way better than a boyfriend because it doesn’t snore or move or talk in its sleep.

I do not use a top sheet when I sleep because I think they’re useless. I will die on this hill. I also cannot understand people who sleep with one pillow. ONE PILLOW. How is that comfortable?! Then again, most people can’t understand why I need half a dozen pillows to sleep, so poh-tay-toe, poh-tah-toe.

How I Fall Asleep

I am admittedly blessed in this department as falling asleep is usually not a problem for me, especially when I’m getting regular exercise and cutting down on my caffeine consumption. Sometimes, I toss and turn and when that happens, I just take melatonin and fall asleep not too long afterward. For the most part, though, I’m asleep within 15 minutes of turning out the light.

When I was in sixth grade, I had insomnia for an entire year. My parents had separated and the huge shift in my family environment must have altered something in my brain because sleep was elusive for me. I was probably getting 3-4 hours of sleep every night for an entire year. So, basically, I feel like I have earned my good sleep behaviors after losing out on an entire year’s worth of good sleep.

Napping

Napping is one of my superpowers. I try to take at least two naps every weekend and it honestly disappoints me if I can’t make it happen. (This is another reason I’m hesitant to have kids. What happens to my naps? It’s possible I am way too selfish to be a mother, haha.) My naps are sacred to me.

My naps are also… lengthy. For me, a good nap is at least three hours. That’s when I feel like I have a full sleep cycle and can wake up feeling refreshed. It’s the times when I only take a 1-2 hour nap that I wake up feeling super groggy and out of it.

I’m also blessed in that my naps typically don’t interfere with my sleep at night. On the days I nap, I will typically go to bed an hour or so later than my normal bedtime.

I firmly believe that my naps are part of my self-care. As mentioned earlier, I need more sleep than the average person because I’m an HSP and taking naps ensures I get that necessary downtime and silence that I need to recharge my batteries.

I know it’s a charged topic – what are your thoughts on pillows, blankets, and sheets? Are you on Team No Top Sheet like me?

Categories: About Me

Why I’m an Enneagram Nine

I finished The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery last week. I know personality frameworks are all the rage right now, and for some people, they can be a little eye-roll-y because they usually aren’t based on any actual science. And yet… there’s something about them that appeals to me.

Because even if they aren’t based on actual science, they are rooted in human experience and thoughtful analysis. Personality frameworks allow me to get to know myself better, to figure out exactly why I am the way I am, to learn coping strategies that will help me during stressful or difficult times in my life. They make me feel a part of something. They help me realize that I’m not alone, no matter how weird I think my personality is.

After reading the short descriptions of each type during the introduction of the book, I felt confident I was an Enneagram Four, but also had a strong connection to the way Enneagram Nine and Enneagram Six were described. Fours were noted as being “creative, sensitive and moody” while Nines are “pleasant, laid back and accommodating” and Sixes are “committed, practical and witty.”

After reading through the entire book, I was still on the fence. I was able to take Enneagram Six off the table, but I felt truly emotional reading about the characteristics, flaws, and motivations about both Nines and Fours. After rereading the chapters and truly digging into the strengths and weaknesses of each type, I think I can safely say that I am an Enneagram Nine. Here’s why:

I am a peacemaker to a fault.

Nines fears that expressing their preferences or asserting their agenda will put important relationships at risk and upset the calm surface of their inner sea.

A pattern of behavior I’ve started noticing in my life is my tendency to let other people make the decisions and to keep my opinion to myself the majority of the time. It’s something I do because I don’t want to rock the boat; I don’t want anybody to have any reason not to be friends with me. I always want to keep the peace and for some reason, I have this internal belief that the way to do that is to always follow the crowd and avoid conflict at all costs. It’s good in the sense that I am easy to get along with, but bad in the sense that my needs sometimes aren’t getting met in my relationships.

I’m passive in my romantic relationships.

Nines drop their healthy boundaries to fuse with a more assertive partner, whom they idealize and from whom they hope to glean a sense of identity and purpose. But after a while they don’t know where they end and the other person begins.

This passivity I have in my romantic relationships is something I’ve discussed extensively with my therapist. I want to be a strong, independent woman who stands up for what she wants and asks for what she needs, but when push comes to shove, I always fall over. I let him decide what restaurant we’re going to have dinner at, even if it means a 30-minute drive for me and a 5-minute one for him. I let him take control over how quickly the physical part of our relationship accelerates, even when I’m not completely comfortable with it. I take on his opinions, not wanting to assert my differing ones because what if he won’t like me when I do that? I’m not proud of this and it’s part of the reason I took a long break from dating. I needed to figure this out, so I can have healthier romantic relationships. So, it’s really not surprising this turned up in my Enneagram type. Not surprising at all. I’m just glad I’ve identified this, and now I can move forward in learning to be more assertive in my dating life, even when it’s wholly uncomfortable.

Making decisions can be paralyzing for me.

Because there are so many angles from which to examine an issue, so many factors to take into consideration, and so many pros and cons to fret over, Nines often never get around to deciding. They sit on the fence and agonize over what to do while waiting for someone else to make the decision or for the situation to naturally work itself out on its own.

Oh, do I ever struggle with making a decision, especially when the decision involves other people. For example, I agonized over where to go for my birthday dinner because I wanted to choose a place that everyone would enjoy and nobody would have to drive far to get to. When I make dinner plans with friends, I barely ever make a decision on where to go, instead following their lead. It can take me forever to finally push “order” on an item, even when I know it’s something I need. Making decisions is just not my forte, which means I’m probably not suited for a management role and that’s something I’m A-OK with.

I don’t often believe my opinion is important.

Nines will sometimes abandon their own opinion or defer to someone else’s, either because they’re uncertain or simply because they want to blend in and get along with them.

I am conflict-avoidant to the extreme, and it’s never more obvious than the times I have to give my opinion. Since I’m very attuned to people’s thoughts and feelings, I can often give them the opinion they want to hear, not always the one I think is right. I want to be opinionated and stand up for what I believe in, but when I come faced with the choice to do so, I will always defer to the other person. For a long time, I believe I was a conservative, pro-life Republican because that’s the way I was raised and I didn’t want to rock the boat. I wanted to keep the status quo until enough was enough. It was then I realized what I believe in and what’s important to me when it comes to politics, and it was not being a conservative, pro-life Republican. This is the one area of my life where I have begun to be more vocal and assert my opinion, and it honestly feels so good to do so.

I’m an easy person to get along with.

Loyal and kind, they will go above and beyond the call of duty to support you. They’re fun, flexible and don’t complain too much. They love life’s simple pleasures.

I don’t ask for much from other people. Now that can be good and bad because it means sometimes my needs aren’t getting met, but for the most part, it’s a good quality. It means I’m just happy being with people, full stop. I don’t expect the world from them and I want to support them in any way I can. And I’m fiercely loyal to those I call my own. If you’re in my circle of trust, I will defend you to my death.

I am a natural mediator.

Supportive, nonjudgmental and inclusive, they build bridges and bring people together in a spirit of cooperation.

As a Nine, my goal in life is peace. I want inner peace, outer peace, world peace, all the peace. I want peace in my relationships, in my work environment, in my home. And I will work hard to make sure that happens. I am inclusive and cooperative and supportive of every kind of viewpoint. I can see both sides of every issue and I want to bring people together.

I am my best self in a low-stress work environment.

Creatures of habit, Nines appreciate structure, predictability and routine in the workplace. Nines don’t like to bring work home, and they definitely don’t like interruptions on weekends or vacation.

My current job is perfect for me. I am given free rein to work at my own pace and prioritize my own tasks. I do not have a boss breathing over my shoulder. I am also not required to work overtime or work on the weekends, even when I’m behind. I have a set monthly schedule and life at work is predictable for me. And I love that. It’s not that every day is the same, but that I have a predictability to my workflow that is determined by me and that’s exactly what I need to feel confident and happy at work.

When stressed, I become more anxious and self-doubtful. In security, I am goal-oriented and confident.

In the book, the author makes a point to talk about how each type reacts in times of high stress and times when we’re feeling safe and secure. This is the area where I could really type myself as a Nine over a Four. When I’m stressed, making decisions is harder than ever and my anxiety is through the roof. And, even worse, my temper has a short fuse and I can react emotionally to even the slightest barb. When I’m feeling secure, though, there’s no better feeling. I can make decisions with confidence and genuinely understand my place in this world and why I matter.

My “wing” is One.

Nines with a One wing have a strong sense of the difference between right and wrong … The 9w1s are more critical, orderly, introverted and passive-aggressive than other Nines.

One of the things I love about the Enneagram is the fact that it takes into consideration that we’re human and fluid and ever-changing. Our motivations never change, but the way we react to external stimuli can. This is why each type has two wings, and you fall in one wing or the other. For me, I’m a Nine with a One wing.

***

So, what does all of this knowledge mean for me now? Well, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I do know it will prompt me to acknowledge when I’m acting more in line with the “negative” parts of my type: not being decisive, passivity in relationships, feeling like my opinion doesn’t matter, etc. In doing so, I am hopeful to work towards being more of a healthy Nine, someone who is a peacemaker but not a pushover, who is inclusive to all points of view without forgetting her own, who can make decisions in a confident manner.

It’s up to me to take this knowledge and let it guide my life in a healthy manner. I think I’m up for the challenge.

Do you know your Enneagram type? If so, let me know what it is!

Categories: About Me

Thirty-One

Today, I’m thirty-one years old.

Growing up, it was impossible to picture myself in my thirties. Would I ever be that old? I didn’t think so. Then again, it’s hard for me to picture myself in my forties or fifties right now. It just seems so unfathomable that this body, this soul I’ve been walking around in for more than three decades, will get there. It’s happening less and less often, but I can’t lie: sometimes there are days I still feel like I’m a teenager.

Oh, I’m the adult who has to make a call to the cable company about a bill dispute?

Oh, it’s up to me to keep track of all of my doctor’s appointments?

It’s weird to be the adult. To be the one who is trusted to make the decisions. To be the one who feels comfortable making the decisions. Because I am. I’m comfortable making decisions and calling companies and scheduling appointments. It’s not weird anymore. It hasn’t been weird for a while.

Thirty was not a good year for me. In fact, I’d venture to say that it was the worst year of my life. It was a year filled with loss, depression, uncomfortable changes at work, and loneliness.

I should have known it wasn’t going to be a banner year for me, as I kicked it off by breaking my ankle while helping a friend move. A few months later, my beloved dog Dutch died. He was my constant companion for nearly a decade, and I still don’t know how I’m moving forward in life without him. During the second half of 30, I battled intense anxiety that had me requesting a change to my anti-anxiety meds, and then a bout of depression knocked me down for a number of months. It was also during this time that an influx of my coworkers – the ones who were my dear friends and who had gotten me through every bad day over the past 4-5 years – left the company. I’m left with just one remaining friend, and while I like the majority of my coworkers, they are just that… my coworkers. They aren’t also my friends, my work wives, my soulmates. With my friends moving onto new jobs, I’ve spent the past few months wondering what’s next for me. Am I happy here, am I challenged, is this where I’m supposed to be? I don’t really have the answers to any of those questions.

And then, my Pops unexpectedly passed away. I didn’t expect to lose him this year, not at all. I expected to have decades left with him. He was only 77! His last health screening had come back negative for any health problems! How could he be gone? Losing him was unexpected – and traumatic – and the grief is overwhelming. My heart feels like it lives in the pit of my stomach at all times; my shoulders feel burdened by the weight of losing him.

So, yes. Thirty was not kind to me, and I really hope it’s not a precursor for what is to come in my thirties.

This year wasn’t all bad, of course. My friends threw me a fun, low-key birthday party where they surprised me with the most thoughtful gifts (including a “30 Reasons We Love Stephany” print that I look at constantly). I went on a week-long cruise with my mom where I rode horses through a jungle in Belize, zip-lined in Honduras, and sipped fruity cocktails poolside in Cozumel. I spent a weekend on Anna Maria Island with my girlfriends. I watched one of my best friends get married. I was thrilled when my mom adopted the sweetest dachshund puppy whom she named Chip (after her favorite food: chocolate chip cookies) who has sewn my heart back together. And I celebrated two years of solo living.

It hasn’t been a good year, but there were moments of goodness sprinkled throughout.

For the past few years, as I turn a new age and take stock of my life, I have always seemed to find myself lacking. No partner, no weight loss, no novel, no big change. I’m never where I think I should be at this time. Many people my age are married or in serious relationships. They have children – multiple! – and fully settled into parenthood. They have impressive career titles or are homeowners or go on dazzling vacations every year.

It’s so easy to find yourself lacking when you look at what other people are doing.

It’s so easy to not find anything impressive about your life when you’re just looking at others.

But when I take stock of my life today, I am so goddamn happy with it. I don’t have all the things I thought I wanted, but maybe I don’t actually want them. Or maybe just not right now. There’s always this “grass is greener” mentality for the things we see in others that we find lacking in ourselves, but just because other friends are married doesn’t mean I need to be. Just because they take solo European vacations doesn’t mean I should. Just because they bought a home doesn’t mean it’s the right move for me.

When I keep my eyes on my own paper, when I look at where I came from and where I am today, I can’t feel anything but immense pride for the woman I am today. I am genuinely happy with my life. I am obsessed with my friends and even more so with my family. I am still best friends with my mom and just a phone call from her lights up my world. I feel empowered by my job, and still really like what I do, even after five years (and even after all my friends have left, wah). I’m financially stable and have my very own adorable apartment that is my refuge. I didn’t go on a single date in these past 11 months, and I feel good about that. I feel happy and secure in my singleness for the first time in a long time. I’m leading the life I want to lead, and there’s nothing more powerful than that.

I am oh-so-ready to say goodbye to 30 because it was a tremendously difficult year for me. I am expecting big things from 31. I want to lose weight. I want to finally finish that damn novel. I want to grow my savings and learn more about investing. I want to shop less, watch more movies, and spend more time by the pool. I want to adopt kittens and be the cat-mom I always knew I could be. I want to take a solo vacation, visit the Grand Canyon, and finally see Washington D.C. Mostly, though, I just want to enjoy this one beautiful life I have. It’s not a perfect life, but it’s my life. And I want to enjoy it as much as I possibly can.

Categories: About Me

Some Thoughts on Anxiety, Medication, and Shame

It’s been a rocky few months when it comes to my mental illness. There was an intense depressive episode in June and then a string of high-anxiety days that had me feeling overwhelmed by my brain. More than once, I remember thinking to myself, “I cannot live like this. This is too much.”

I didn’t say that in a suicidal way, but more in an I-need-to-figure-this-out-so-I-can-live-better way. But truthfully, I didn’t know if I had it in me to figure it out. I was trying to recover from my depressive episode while also dealing with riotous anxiety-ridden thoughts, and I didn’t know what to do or where to turn to make it all stop. I was so mentally exhausted.

And then my mom said something to me that flipped the switch: “Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds.”

Light bulb. 

It was one of those moments where someone else offered the simplest suggestion to a problem, and you’re just like, “Well, yeah. Duh. Why didn’t I think of that?”

So, I made an appointment to see my doctor.

I’m always nervous to talk to my doctor about my anxiety and meds. For some reason, I worry that she’s going to think I’m lying. Or being dramatic.

That’s why I didn’t start taking anxiety meds until just recently. I just couldn’t work up my nerve to talk to my doctor. It’s hard when your illness is invisible. While I know the way I’ve been feeling isn’t normal, she doesn’t. It’s not like I can take a blood test and prove I have anxiety. Instead, I had to trust that my doctor wouldn’t be indifferent to my pain. I had to trust that I could be honest with her and she would hear me and help me come up with a solution.

Thankfully, I had nothing to worry about. My doctor listened to me, even though I stumbled over my words and couldn’t articulate all the ways my anxiety affected my life. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro and off I went.

Going back to the doctor to explain that the meds hadn’t been working as well as they used to was just as hard as the first time I asked for help. I was again worried that she wouldn’t hear me. Worried that she was thinking I was trying to game the system or something.

And again, my worries were unfounded because my doctor listened to me and talked to me about my options. We decided to double my dose of Lexapro.

I left the office feeling, for the first time ever, shame.

I’ve never, ever felt shame about my anxiety or needing to take medication to manage it. I understand that my brain just functions differently than those who do not experience anxiety and depression and that the medication is necessary to balance it all out.

So, this feeling of shame was a new experience. I think it stemmed from this idea that I wasn’t getting “better.” Shouldn’t I be at the point where I could drop my dosage from 10mg to 5mg… not double it? Shouldn’t my brain be fixed by now?

Obviously, I know all of these thoughts are irrational. You don’t “fix” anxiety, you learn how to manage it. Just as you cannot “fix” a chronic illness… the same is true for anxiety.

Some people are able to figure out how to manage their anxiety without meds, and perhaps one day I’ll be able to do that, but that’s not my end game. My end game is to learn how to manage my anxiety so that it doesn’t interfere with my daily life. So that it doesn’t keep me from participating in things I want to do and investing in my relationships and finishing that novel I’ve always wanted to write. And that probably means I’ll spend the rest of my life on anxiety meds. I’m A-OK with that.

The truth is, the shame of doubling my anxiety dosage disappeared after I realized how much better I feel now. I was in a really dark and miserable place for May and June and part of July. I could barely summon the energy for even the most basic tasks. Just a few weeks on this higher dosage, and I’ve found myself again. I don’t only feel more stable and in control over my emotions, but I’m actually happy. I actually feel fulfilled. I have energy again and find myself excited about life and what’s next for me.

And there’s definitely no shame in needing a higher dosage of anxiety medication to make me feel like that.