Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

My Favorite Podcasts – Round Four

Every year, I like to do a round-up of the podcasts I’m loving lately. I am a voracious consumer of podcasts, so much so that I can’t remember the last time I listened to the radio.

Living alone, having podcasts to listen to while I’m getting ready for the day, cleaning, or folding laundry allows me to feel a little less lonely. Podcasts also make my commute to work and driving around town so much more enjoyable. I live in an area that is not walkable, so I always have to hop in the car whenever I want to go somewhere, so podcasts make driving around better.

I also love just going for long walks and listening to a podcast. Sometimes, I’ll bring Dutch, but he’s getting to an age where he can’t handle long walks anymore (though, every now and then, he surprises me!), so usually, it’s just me.

I’ve been listening to podcasts for three years now and my feed is a bit out of control because of the amount of podcasts I’m subscribed to. (I’m currently about five weeks behind, eeks.) Like always, there are podcasts I’ve unsubscribed from because they weren’t engaging me anymore and podcasts I’ve recently subscribed to that have become my favorites. The ebb and flow of the podcast life!

For this podcast round-up, I’m listing nine of my favorite podcasts. These are the podcasts that light me up and excite me whenever they show up in my feed. Let’s get started!

Pod Save America

I’ve never been a political junkie, but the 2016 presidential election changed everything for me—and for a lot of Americans. But while I try to follow what’s going on in the news as closely as I can, sometimes it’s hard for me to understand some of it, especially when it comes to foreign policy and healthcare. So, I am so very grateful for Pod Save America for this reason. This podcast, which is hosted by four former Obama staffers, delves into the hot topics in the news this week and helps to sort out what it exactly means and how it affects us. And while a lot of what is going on in politics right now is frightening, the guys on this show keep things light and funny (without undermining what a serious crisis we’re in right now), which I wholly appreciate. Every episode also includes an interview with a guest, usually a senator or someone involved in politics.

Lovett or Leave It

This is another political podcast, hosted by one of the hosts of Pod Save America, Jon Lovett. Lovett is one of my new favorite people (his rants about Marco Rubio, who is sadly my senator, give me life) and I was so thrilled when he announced this new podcast. It’s a game show-style podcast where he brings on three panelists, usually comedians or journalists, to talk about what’s going on in the news. It’s meant to bring some lightheartedness to the absurdity of politics today, and I laugh my way through every episode. Some of the different segments include “What a Week,” where Jon and the panelist discuss some of the hot topics in the news, “OK Stop,” where Jon plays a video clip and they stop it at certain times to discuss what’s going on in the clip, and the “Rant Wheel,” where Jon spins a wheel filled with political and pop culture topics and he and the panelists discuss the topic it lands on.

Stuff Mom Never Told You

This is a show about women and the challenges we face in our society, hosted by Emilie and Bridget, two brand-new co-hosts. The former co-hosts (the ladies I’ve been listening to since 2014!) left the show at the end of 2016 and I thought that was the end for SMNTY, which made me really sad because SMNTY is one of my favorite podcasts that has continuously been on this round-up every year. Thankfully, SMNTY is back and better than ever. I love the new, fresh perspectives that Emilie and Bridget bring and that the episodes are around 30 minutes in length (my favorite length for a podcast!) They have already covered some incredibly interesting topics and I’m just excited to see how this show takes off from here.

Stuff You Should Know

This is probably the most informational podcast in the bunch and I’ve been listening to Josh and Chuck for so long (since 2014!) that I feel that we are good friends now. What I love most about this podcast is that I can learn about things I never knew I wanted to learn about—like how Schoolhouse Rock started and how it became such a phenomenon. I don’t listen to every episode they publish (the more science-y ones go over my head usually), but whenever a new one downloads to my feed, I always get super excited to spend a good 45 minutes to an hour learning about an engaging topic.

Book Riot

I’m a book nerd to my core and this podcast fulfills all of my bookish delights. In this show, two of the editors of the popular book website Book Riot talk about “what’s new, cool, and worth talking about in the world of books and reading.” They have really deep-level conversations about the hot topics in the book world right now, whether that’s Amazon starting brick-and-mortar bookstores, Trump blocking Stephen King on Twitter, or the Oprah Book Club. Book Riot is heavily focused on diversity in publishing, which is something a lot of bookish websites aren’t talking about, and I really appreciate the nuanced discussions they have.

What Should I Read Next?

In this completely unique podcast, Anne Bogel of Modern Mrs. Darcy fame sits down with one guest per episode to offer book recommendations based on what the guest picked as three books they loved and one book they hated. I started listening to this one from the very beginning (which was just about a year ago!) and it remains one of my most anticipated listens. Anne Bogel has really found her groove lately, seamlessly intertwining engaging interviews with book recommendations.

The Baby-Sitter’s Club Club

This is one of my newest podcast finds and it fills me with such delight every time I listen to an episode. I’m still working through their backlist (I have “048 – Mary Anne Misses Logan” queued up to listen to next!), but I can safely vouch for the brilliance of this podcast. Two thirty-something guys living in New York have teamed up to read all of the books in The Baby-Sitter’s Club series and discuss them. Their discussions are hilarious and include segments such as “Burn of the Week” and “Tearful Moment.” They also have a segment called “Tracking Jackie” that never fails to make me crack up (basically, they believe Jackie Rodowsky who is accident prone is a “time jumper,” so every time he has some sort of “accident,” this is just his way of jumping back and forth through time). Every now and then, the guys discuss a book in The Baby-Sitter’s Little Sister series and it’s startling how much I remember about that series. In any event, this podcast takes me back to my childhood where all I wanted to do was devour as many BSC books as possible.

Death, Sex & Money

Have you ever wanted to sit down with someone and have an honest conversation about the uncomfortable topics people tend to shy away from? Topics like money and how much you make and how much debt you have and how you handle your finances. Topics like drug use and death and student loans and how to deal with a breakup. Death, Sex & Money is a podcast that talks about the “things we think about a lot and need to talk about more.” It’s one of my favorite podcasts because Anna Sale is a terrific host. She has a mix of celebrities and real people sharing their real stories. The episodes are short, around 30 minutes in length, and since the majority of the podcasts I listen to are usually at least an hour, sometimes longer, I like Anna Sale’s concise format. It’s one of my must-listens.

Real Talk Radio

Nicole releases her episodes in seasons, so rather than releasing an episode a week, she releases eight every other month. One of the things I love about Nicole—she’s not afraid to do something out of the box! Another way Nicole’s podcast is unique is that she has two-hour-long conversations with her guests, so it’s not your standard 45-minute interview podcast. Nope, Nicole wants to go deeper than that. She wants to get into the heart of the matter when it comes to what it means to be human in this messy world. What it means to set goals and start a business and get married and overcome addiction. Her guests aren’t the typical ones you see making the rounds on the podcast circuit and they aren’t on the show to sell you on anything, which I so appreciate. Over the past few seasons, Nicole has cultivated an eclectic group of interview guests, usually people I’ve never heard of but who inspire me so much when I listen to their story. I love Nicole’s podcast so much that I signed up to be one of her Patreon supporters because, well, as much as I’d like to believe that creativity is free, it’s not. Nicole works damn hard at her show and providing my monetary support is just one way I can show her how much I appreciate it.

Honorable mentions: The Lively Show, The Shepod, Call Your Girlfriend, Smartest Person in the Room, and Dear Sugars.

Do you listen to any of the podcasts listed? What’s the newest podcast you’ve added to your feed?

Categories: About Me

When Your Anxiety Looks & Feels Different

It took me a long time to ask my doctor for a prescription for my anxiety.

It wasn’t necessarily that I thought being on anxiety meds was bad, but it was that I thought my anxiety wasn’t bad enough.

When people talked about their anxiety symptoms, I could sympathize but not necessarily relate.

I don’t get stressed out easily and when I am stressed out, it doesn’t make me panicky. I don’t have panic attacks every day. I’ve always been a good sleeper and I’m not a very restless person.

And yet… there were other signs. The way it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest as I drove into work, not because my job was super stressful or that I hated the work I did (just the opposite, actually!), but because I was overwhelmed at the thought of spending my next 9.5 hours in a cubicle, interacting with people.

There were all the times I woke up in the middle of the night and convinced myself that I woke up because something awful had just happened in my family, like I’m omniscient or something. And then it would take me up to an hour to fall back asleep because I was panicked about my family.

There were the meltdowns. Oh, the meltdowns. One little thing would happen and I would fall completely apart and realize everything in my life was terrible. Those were the scarier moments because they were the moments when I felt the most hopeless about my life.

There was a constant worry about every single thing that could go wrong in my life. My mom dying, my brother dying, my nephews dying. My mom getting paralyzed in a car accident, my brother crashing his truck at work. Something happening to Dutch. My apartment burning down because I left my straightener on. Getting fired. And on and on and on it went. Worry after worry after worry. It never stopped.

And let’s not forget the social aspect of my anxiety, though I’ve talked about that already. But it’s something that’s affected me for years and until I had a name for it, I didn’t realize it wasn’t a normal way to live.

I didn’t realize that none of this wasn’t normal. I didn’t realize that I could feel better, that I didn’t have to live in a constant state of worry and on the verge of collapse every single day.

My anxiety did not look like the anxiety I saw from other people who opened up about their struggles, so I thought that maybe because it didn’t affect my life in the same way I didn’t deserve medication. Most days I was okay! Perfectly happy, even. And then, out of the blue, everything would fall apart and I’d feel as if my world was crashing down on me and I was swimming underwater and didn’t know how to reach the air. But then I’d fight my way out of it and be okay and convince myself that I didn’t really need meds. It didn’t affect me “enough.”

Which is bullshit. The fact that it affected me a little is “enough.” The fact that I had days or weeks when I felt trapped in my own mind is “enough.”

A podcast I recently listened to put it this way: “We don’t feel as if we have to deserve antibiotics when we have an ear infection. Why would we feel we have to deserve medication when we have a mental disorder?” (I’m paraphrasing here, but that was the gist of what he said.)

In a previous post, I mentioned how life-changing it has been to be on medication for my anxiety. I feel more stable, more in control of my emotions. I feel the happiest I have felt in months. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a meltdown and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve woken up with a panic attack. I didn’t even realize how bad my anxiety was and how much I let it hold me back until I started feeling better.

This is not even the post I meant to write. I wanted to write about how my anxiety affects the way I travel (a post I still plan to write!), but this is what has come out of me instead. There’s a reason I needed to write this post, and I’m not exactly sure why. But maybe it’s because someone needs to hear these words.

So to those reading…

If your anxiety doesn’t look like the anxiety you see displayed on TV commercials or in movies, you still deserve to get help. You deserve to feel better.

If you think that being on medication for your anxiety means you’re giving up or not strong enough, that is a lie you should never believe. Seeking help is an action only a warrior can take. It’s a scary step to bring your struggle out in the open and to let someone know that you are not okay and you want to be okay. It’s not about being strong enough; it’s about a chemical imbalance in your brain and you deserve to fix that imbalance.

If you think that a doctor might blow you off when you mention your anxiety or just tell you to eat better and get more exercise, find a new doctor. I worried for a long time that a doctor wouldn’t believe me when I told her/him about what I was dealing with, so with every appointment, I never brought it up. Until one day I did and I fumbled over my words and couldn’t exactly articulate what my anxiety looked like, but this doctor looked at me with compassion and wrote me the prescription I needed. Find the doctor who will take you seriously – there’s nothing more important than that.

If you don’t think you are worthy of feeling better, as if you somehow deserve this anxiety, I want you to know that none of that is true. Nobody deserves to feel like an elephant is sitting on his or her chest or to have constant panic attacks. As a human being, you are worthy of feeling like your best self. You are worthy of getting help. You are worthy of living life at its utmost pleasure.

Categories: About Me

When You’re Not Okay

It’s hard to admit when I’m not okay. I tend to get really frustrated when it happens.

“A day ago, you were fine,” I argue with myself. “A day ago, you were doing so good. What happened?”

It’s such a cliche, but it’s so much easier to give grace to others than it is to give it to myself. When people in my life are struggling, I’m there in a heartbeat. I listen to them, I give them advice (if it’s needed), and I tell them they will be okay someday. This too shall pass.

When I’m not okay, usually there’s no reason for it. It’s just that one day I was okay and now I am not. One day I found beauty in the sunrise and the next day, the sun rising fills me with dread and overwhelm at everything it takes to simply be a human on this planet.

I haven’t been okay. I haven’t been okay for a while now.

This happens to me every so often. This time, I can pinpoint the cause. I know exactly why I feel like such a dark cloud of gloom, and while there’s a certain level of peace in that, there’s also confusion. Because I don’t exactly know how to work through this unhappiness I’m feeling. I don’t know how to make me better.

Thankfully, in times like these, I turn to my tried-and-true strategies for helping myself when I’m not feeling okay. They are my toolkit for feeling better, for getting back to myself. But before I get into these strategies, I do want to make a point that when I say I am “not feeling okay,” this is not code for depression. I’ve been depressed before in my life and this isn’t it. It’s just feeling sad, a bit tired from the world. Generally, this feeling doesn’t last for longer than a week and I find my way out of it on my own.

Okay, with that said, here are my strategies for making it through those moments when you just aren’t feeling okay, for whatever reason:

1) Find your mantra.

“This too shall pass.” “Feel your feelings.” “It’s okay to not be okay all of the time.” “You will get through this now because you’ve gotten through this before.” I have a bunch of mantras I turn to when I’m feeling down. Mostly, I like to remind myself that it is okay to be sad. I am not a robot, I am a complex human being and all of my emotions are valid, even the ones I don’t necessarily enjoy. I also like to remind myself that I will not always be sad. I will not always feel so defeated by life. Find a mantra and repeat it over and over and over again until you start believing it.

2) Distract yourself.

Usually, I’ll distract myself by downloading a romance novel or going for a long walk while listening to a podcast I love or taking my dog to the dog park. All of these scenarios keep my mind occupied, which is usually what I need when I’m feeling sad because I have the tendency to get completely wrapped in my head and downward spiral into my own thoughts. Find something to do that will offer a complete distraction from your sadness – bonus points if it gets you outside and into the sunshine since that will immediately boost your mood.

3) Write about it.

It’s not for everyone, but writing is a cathartic experience for me. Sometimes, what I write may turn out to be useful for a blog post, but not always. Often, it’s something solely for me. I also find that working on my fiction novel is a great way for me to deal with my funk because it’s something I enjoy so much and the subject matter is light-hearted. Even if writing isn’t your forte, having a journal and a place to get everything going on inside your head onto paper (or screen) can help you sort through how you’re feeling.

4) Call a friend.

Okay, listen. I am terrible at this. I’m the first to admit it. I do not like reaching out to friends when I’m in a funk. It’s completely ridiculous because I want them to pick up on the fact that I’m not feeling okay because obviously, that’s the only way to show you care about me! (I desperately want to delete that sentence because it sounds so pathetic, but I won’t. Truth is vulnerable and truth is hard.) I also don’t want to burden my friends with my issues. Who wants to be around a Debbie Downer? But no. I know when I call a friend, when I let someone in on how I’m feeling, it helps so much. Whether it’s someone giving me perspective or just knowing I don’t have to carry this burden alone, it helps. Call your people. Wouldn’t you want a friend to open up to you if they’re feeling low?

5) Find a therapist.

Look, we all have times in our lives when we don’t feel like ourselves. Nobody ever feels okay 100% of the time. But if those times when you don’t feel okay start stacking up, when it starts taking you longer and longer to get out of your funk, you may want to think about therapy. I honestly think everyone can benefit from seeing a therapist, and I’m actively working to find one on my own (it’s much harder than I imagined, trying to find a therapist that takes my insurance and is accepting patients, but I’m determined). It’s just helpful to set aside time to see a therapist and talk about what you’re going through, to get a fresh (and professional!) opinion, to feel less alone. It’s the strategy that may seem like the scariest one, but the payoffs could be the most beneficial.

What strategies do you use when you’re not feeling okay?

Categories: About Me

What People Don’t Understand About Social Anxiety

In January, I wrote a post about social anxiety and it was the kind of post that I was scared to push publish on. Talking about my social anxiety makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, but I also refuse to keep silent about this aspect of my personality. Because keeping silent means I feel ashamed that I have social anxiety, and I’m not ashamed. Not anymore. I have simply accepted it’s part of who I am.

The first response I received to that blog post was… unpleasant, to say the least. I wrote out a lengthy response to this comment, but the email address was invalid. (Of course it was!)

I’ve never done this before because, generally, I don’t see the point in giving negative comments any sort of attention, but this comment showed me that there are people who really do not understand what social anxiety is, and it’s time to lay some truth bombs for these people.

Here’s the comment:

You sound like you have some real self-esteem issues. This seems like more than social anxiety, it’s a real problem with the way you think the rest of the world is constantly judging you. Literally no one cares how you park your car. You’re not an idiot if you have to look around a restaurant for your friends. EVERYONE has done this. You sound like you really need to get on medication and into therapy.

Ouch.

I won’t lie; for about five seconds after I received that comment, I considered deleting the post. I understand that when I decided to put my life on display via a public blog, I must take the good with the bad. But the bad really hurts sometimes. That comment hurt. But it also showed me how little people understand social anxiety. So, let’s discuss some truths about it:

Social anxiety is about self-esteem and the fear of being judged by others. The comment above states that I have “real self-esteem issues” and “a real problem with the way you think the world is constantly judging you.” Funny enough – this person describes social anxiety perfectly! It is about self-esteem and it is about the way we feel people are judging our every move. This is social anxiety – our fear of how we are perceived in social settings. This fear is so pervasive that it can cause panic attacks at just the thought of going on a job interview or a date or your church’s picnic. And, since social anxiety develops based largely on environment, it’s those of us who grew up feeling less than, unwanted, unloved who often have social anxiety. We weren’t given safe spaces to grow, so we became fearful of the world and being judged.

We understand that our fear is not logical. When I’m in my logical mind, I know that nobody cares how I park my car. I know that I’m not an idiot if I have to look around a while before spotting my friends in a restaurant. I know that. But social anxiety does not play on logic; it plays on our biggest fears. Our fear of being judged harshly, of people laughing at us, of being embarrassed. So, yes, I will worry about people judging me for how I parked my car because that’s how my social anxiety works. You don’t need to tell me it’s silly because I know it is. I already feel completely ridiculous by how crippled I get by my thoughts when I’m worried about a social event. I already feel as if there’s something wrong with me because I get so damn worried all the time about things most other people don’t even concern themselves about. But social anxiety is not about logic, so please don’t make someone feel bad for the things they are fearful of. That’s not helpful, that’s harmful.

We are not weirdos with no social life. Thanks to years of deep introspection, understanding friends, and taking huge risks, I’ve developed a good social life. I didn’t always have this. I didn’t make any friends in college because I was too scared to speak up in class or talk to the people next to me. I cried every day the year I lived on campus and would hide out in the bookstore because it felt safe. I didn’t join any extracurricular activities in high school or college (well, aside from a semester of basketball cheerleading during 10th grade – how’s that for a fun fact?!) because I was too afraid of being judged. And then I learned about what social anxiety is and realized this condition described me perfectly, and I was letting it win. So, I joined a book club on Meetup, said yes when a new coworker invited me to her place to hang out, started talking more with the people around me at work. It’s been difficult and sometimes, I still wonder why I have any friends and why they even like me, but mostly, I’m happy I took risks and found the people who don’t think less of me for having social anxiety and, when I tell them about it, their response is, “Is there anything I can do to help?” (<– Best response to anyone who opens up about their social anxiety, btw.) Our social lives may be lighter than others, and we may turn down a lot of engagements because we know they’d just ratchet up our anxiety and make us incredibly uncomfortable, but we do have social lives.

We are not unfriendly and we don’t hate people. Not in the least! I may not be the most bubbly individual, and I may be able to endure an entire elevator ride without saying a word to you, but I don’t consider myself unfriendly. I’m just shy and have a hard time talking to people sometimes without stumbling over my words and feeling like a complete fool. I will do everything in my power to keep myself from doing that, so, usually, I just stay quiet. (This is why I’ll opt for the stairs instead of the elevator if I see a group of coworkers waiting by the elevator when I’m leaving the office.) And I love meeting new people! Okay, okay. I like it. People are inherently fascinating and I want to talk to you – it’s just not always easy for me, so be patient with me, okay?

Ah, I could go on and on and on! I truly could. But this post is long enough already. I hope I made my point. I hope this person who left that comment understands how hurtful their comment was. And I hope they have a better understanding – and more empathy – for what we experience on a daily basis. Social anxiety is illogical and frustrating and makes me feel crazy sometimes, but I don’t deserve to be shamed for it. Shaming someone for a mental illness is such harmful behavior, and we need to be better than that.

For my comrades suffering from social anxiety and still managing to make a life for themselves, I am so proud of you. You are brave. You are incredible. You are worthy of taking up space.

Categories: About Me

What It’s Like to Date as a Highly Sensitive Person

Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is a pretty spectacular personality trait to have, and that’s especially true when it comes to dating. Sure, there are aspects of being an HSP that can be downright difficult, but in many ways, it allows me to experience life in a brighter, bolder way.

Over the past few years, I’ve had my fair share of good dates and bad dates. And before I learned about my HSP trait, I often thought there was something weird or wrong with me. When friends would tell me about their dating experiences, like going out on 3-4 dates in one week with a different guy each time, I would cringe. That sounded like so much work. I felt as if I was dating wrong as if the only way to find my special person would be to go on as many dates as I possibly could, throwing caution to the wind.

But the truth is that dating is a personal journey and there is no one right way to date. I have friends who did the date-as-much-as-possible way and found true, lasting love. I have friends who only went on one or two dates before meeting the love of their life. There’s nothing to say that going on a lot of dates will yield a boyfriend or that going on as few dates as possible will yield singleness. It’s all up to fate.

And the truth is that dating when you’re a highly sensitive person and an introvert is a vastly different experience. It’s both completely magical and incredibly draining.

While I can’t speak for all introverted HSPs, this is my experience with dating as one:

When I fall, I fall fast and intensely. When I meet someone I like, it consumes me. I can’t focus at work because I can’t stop thinking about him and imagining our future together. All I want to listen to are sappy romance songs. All I want to do is spend as much time as humanely possible with him. This starts as soon as the first date. The feelings are intense and all-encompassing and ruin my entire life for a few weeks. In the best possible way, of course.

I need at least a month to get over a breakup. I’m not even talking about breaking up with a longtime boyfriend because, well, I’ve never had a longtime boyfriend. I’m talking about those relationships where you’re just going on dates and seeing each other. Nothing serious has been established, but when those relationships end, I can’t jump right back into the dating pool. Those few weeks were intense ones for me and I need time by myself to let go of all my visions for what could have been and to find myself again.

I can only handle one date per week, and I need at least a few days’ notice. Truthfully, one to two dates a month is plenty for me. It takes a lot out of me to prepare for that first date. First, there are the messages sent back and forth over a matter of days (or weeks, if I’m talking to someone who is particularly gun-shy), and that alone depletes some of my energy to make small talk and ask all those “initial questions”. Then, the date itself is draining, especially if the date isn’t going well and I’m trying to find a polite way to end it. Usually, I enjoy the dates while I’m on them and truly enjoy getting to know someone new, but I’m also always ready to call it a night after dinner. First dates that extend past two hours are not my cuppa tea.

I never “go for drinks” because bars make me so uncomfortable and are too loud and overstimulating. I really dislike the advice that a first date should always be grabbing a drink at a bar or going for coffee. Honestly, if I’m going to get all worked up for a date, I prefer it to be dinner where there is a specific start and stop point. With coffee or a drink, it’s a date that can end in 15 minutes or linger for an hour. I also dislike the advice about going for drinks because bars make me uncomfortable. They are usually loud and overstimulating, so I can never focus on the guy and our conversation. There’s just too much happening around me, too much energy to take in, that I’m never my best self. Add to it that I’m not much of a drinker, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. For me, I much prefer going for dinner as a first date… and the reason why will be evident in the next fact.

I have a few creature-comfort restaurants that I always suggest because I know how to get there, the atmosphere, the menu, etc. This has been key for me as an introverted HSP in the dating world. I have very specific restaurants that I suggest as places to meet up because I’ve been there so many times that they feel comfortable. I know exactly how to get there and how long it will take me. I know the parking situation. I know how the restaurant is set up, the atmosphere, the menu. It means I don’t have to waste precious energy worrying about driving to the restaurant, how the parking is, what I’ll order, etc.

I always have a backup plan ready for when a guy wants to extend a first date. Having a backup plan is just Dating 101, but I don’t only have a backup plan for if the date is going south, but also for if the date is going well, but my energy is just depleted and I need to go home… without being all, “Sry, introvert battery drained. Must go home.” Usually, my dog is my excuse. “Oh, I’d love to, but I need to get home and let my dog out. He’s older, so he can’t go too long between bathroom breaks.” It’s lame, I know, but it’s sometimes the best I can do.

When I am in a relationship, I get easily overwhelmed by sharing my life with someone. One of the most difficult things about being in a relationship is sharing my life. Yes, it’s really exciting and super fun and, usually, all I want to do is spend time with him… but it can also be overwhelming because I’m more comfortable single than I am in a relationship. I’m not used to checking in with someone or planning my weekend around him. I’m not used to going out as much as I do in new relationships. It can be overwhelming for me.

Because I so value deep conversations, I never go out with people whose messages don’t go beyond the “what do you like to do for fun” questions. It’s probably due to my intuitive nature, but I can pretty quickly tell whether or not I have a connection with someone I’m messaging with online. If the conversation doesn’t flow past the usual “how are you?” and “what do you like to do for fun?” (<– one of my least favorite questions ever!), then I know that there’s no point in even setting up a date. As an introvert, I value deep conversation over small talk and I want that reflected in messages. It also means I am very, very picky about the guys I agree to go on a date with, which limits my pool a bit, but I’m willing to take the risk.

Being a highly sensitive person means life is more intense for me, which makes sense that dating would be a more intense situation. Love comes very easily for me because I am so in tune with my emotions and my surroundings, so I tend to fall in and out of love quickly. (Some may say that’s not really love, and I won’t argue the point. I just think it’s the easiest way to explain how I feel.) But isn’t there such a radical beauty to that? It means I get to experience love in all its glory again and again and again. It also means that when my heart is crushed, the feeling is intensified, and the weight of it is nearly unbearable. I remember when I was ghosted on by a guy I was falling head over heels for, and this was just after two dates. But my feelings for him consumed me. And then when it ended, and ended in such a terrible way, the pain was crushing. I spent an entire weekend in bed, barely able to summon the energy to eat or move. It sounds dramatic, and it is, but that’s just the dichotomy of living an intense life. I have to take the good and the bad, and I would never trade the good – the brightness, the boldness, the fierceness – just so I would never experience the bad.