About Me – Page 23

Categories: About Me

“What is meant for me is already mine.”

I was in the middle of one of those mindless Instagram scrolls, procrastinating on work, when I came across the above photo, posted by Amy.

I stopped. I let out a breath. I read the words on the photo over and over again, wanting them to sink into my skin. My eyes dropped down to Amy’s caption and I sucked in a breath when I read the words, “What is meant for me is already mine.”

Whoa.

I’ve been thinking a lot about timelines lately. I’ve been thinking about how I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be at 28.

When I was younger, my only goals in life were to get married and have kids. (And also to be a vet, but I let that dream go happily after one college-level Human Anatomy & Physiology course that nearly crushed my spirit.) There’s a lot of talk nowadays about gender roles and sexism and misogyny… talk that I wholly agree with and embrace. But I still wanted that “girly dream” of a white wedding and lots of babies.

In my early to mid-twenties, I was adamant that I didn’t want kids and I didn’t want to be married. I rarely dated. I told myself it was because I was too busy with school and work, but the reality was that I was scared of dating. I didn’t think I had what it took to hold a guy’s attention. I didn’t think I was particularly charming or witty, and I definitely struggled to hold a conversation. It was just easier to stay single and focused on other things.

As for babies, well, I spent my early to mid-twenties working in a preschool and I wanted nothing to do with children when I left that world. I loved the kids at my preschool (well, most of them), but goodness, they were so much work. I’m someone who craves alone time and quiet and lazy weekends… I just didn’t think I had the personality to be a mother.

But here I am at 28, and this decade of my life is swiftly coming to a close. In 18 months, I’ll turn 30 and that scares me but excites me. It scares me because I don’t feel ready to turn 30. I don’t feel as if I have done enough in my life to warrant turning 30. I’m not married, nor have I ever been in a serious, long-term relationship. I’m not a published novelist nor in any sort of leadership role at my job. I still worry about money on a daily basis, and when I think about living alone, I wonder how I can afford it. I don’t feel as settled as I think I should be.

Key words there: “think I should be.” When we start living for the “should”‘s, then we stop living for ourselves. We’re living for others and their expectations, not ourselves and our own specific timelines.

Here’s what I know is true: I deeply desire marriage. I don’t necessarily want a white wedding, but I desire a companion in life, someone to partner with in this journey. I deeply desire children. I want to be a mother and I want to experience pregnancy. I know, deep in my bones, there are pieces missing from my life, pieces fulfilled by children. I don’t believe I would feel these desires as deeply as I do if it wasn’t meant to happen for me.

But it feels like maybe I missed my opportunity. I know I’m only 28, so I understand that this is a silly fear to have, but it’s a fear nonetheless. I’ve yet to meet someone that I’ve felt such a strong emotional and physical connection with that I can see us building a family and a life together. With each new date I go on, either the spark isn’t there initially and the conversation is stilted. Or maybe the spark is there, but we don’t fit each other in other important ways. It’s disheartening, either way.

What this quote gives me is the ability to release my fear and my guilt and my apprehension. I haven’t missed my opportunity because the actual real opportunity? The man I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life and build a family with? I haven’t met him yet. (Or, I have met him, but the timing hasn’t been right just yet.) Those other men, even if it felt like there was potential, were never meant for me. They were meant to take up a small sliver of my time, but there were never meant for anything more than that.

“What is meant for me will never miss me.” There is such freedom in that. I can let go of the expectations that I can control this part of my life. I cannot. All I can do is to be open to the possibilities and understand that this man I am going to marry? He’s already mine and I am his. I can’t wait to meet him.

Categories: About Me

The Positives of Being Highly Sensitive

In its most basic form, being highly sensitive means my nervous system processes sensory information differently than it does for other people. An environment that may feel normal for some people feels intense and overwhelming to me because of my sensitivity.

Learning that I am a highly sensitive person was a game-changer for me. It allowed me to understand this massive part of my personality – why I get stressed out about social situations, why loud environments feel so overwhelming to me, why I feel things so intensely all the time. It allowed me to begin accepting who I am and why I do the things I do.

Like anything in life, having sensory processing sensitivity has its upsides and downsides. For example, I get overwhelmed easily, especially if I’m in a chaotic environment. I need tons and tons of alone time, which can get in the way of my relationships. Instead of being excited about a night out with friends, my immediate reaction is to worry about all the ways I might be uncomfortable in the situation. I feel so much, sometimes to the point where I physically ache. I often have emotional hangovers from movies or books or TV shows that are sad or disturbing or dramatic. My mind is never quiet or still, it’s constantly going and going and going and going.

It can be difficult and it can be frustrating and it can be too much at times. But the more I learn about being a HSP, the more I find that having this trait has some incredible advantages. For example:

1. I am tuned into my emotions.

I have a complex inner life; meaning, I’m in my head a lot. I’m constantly processing how I’m feeling as I react to all of the sensory data being thrown my way. I think about my emotions in a deep and intense way. I am in tune to how I’m feeling at any given moment, which in turn helps me to understand myself and what I need. I understand when I’m feeling overstimulated and need a moment to myself. In short, I just understand myself and my needs because I am so tuned into my emotions.

2. I am empathetic and considerate of how other people are feeling.

I love talking to my friends about what they are going through and how I can help them. I can’t help but be sad if a friend is sad. I cry easily. My empathy is one of my favorite parts about me. I love that I care so deeply and honestly about how other people are doing. When I ask how you are, I genuinely want to know. I want to know the good and the bad, what is lighting you up and what is burning you out. I am sensitive to how the people around me are feeling. I want people to feel included, to feel accepted, to be lifted up. I know what it feels like to be left out and made fun of in insensitive ways, and I never, ever want someone to feel that way around me. I’m the therapist, the cheerleader, the confidant. And I love that about myself.

3. I am deeply moved by books, TV shows, and movies.

When I read a book or watch a movie that touches me, I can’t stop thinking about it. I remember how I felt after I read Two Kisses for Maddy and I had an emotional hangover for weeks and weeks. It happened again after I read The Martian (not a heavy topic, but I loved that book so, so, so much that I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I finished it. I still have yet to see the movie because I know I will have an intense emotional hangover.) Every time I watch Titanic, I’m a mess for a week or more. I just have this intense emotional connection to some books, TV shows, or movies when the topic touches me in a deep and meaningful way. I love that something as simple as a book or a movie can affect me so profoundly that it messes up my entire world. It’s a powerful feeling.

4. I am more aware of the subtleties in my environment.

I process sensory data very carefully, which means I am more aware of the subtleties around me. I notice if a room is too cold, a chair is too uncomfortable, music is too loud. But I also understand the subtleties of body language and nonverbal cues. My grandma would call this my “sixth sense” because I understand people really well. I can read people’s reactions, expressions, and body language to figure out how they are feeling – happy, scared, nervous, excited, emotional, angry. I think this also falls back on being empathetic. I can pick up on nonverbal cues and adjust myself to acknowledge those cues and respond to them in the right way.

5. I am conscientious, and I care deeply about the work I do.

No matter what I am doing, I strive to be the best I can be at that very moment. I was never the kid who was at the top of the class, nor have I been the employee that stands out from the pack, but I am always working towards that. I care about my work, I care about how I am perceived at work. I am diligent in what I do, making sure it is at a standard that I can be proud of.

6. I place great care in the decisions I make.

This could be seen as a negative aspect of being highly sensitive, but I choose to see it as a positive. When making decisions, I take my time. I don’t rush into anything, but instead allow myself the space to figure out exactly what I want. I think of the past and the result of certain decisions. I think of the future and how other decisions might affect my life. In the end, the decisions I make are well-thought-out and thorough.

(But, sure, I could learn how to be a bit more spontaneous in my life. Heh.)

Categories: About Me

Why Do You Read?

I read for the escape, to pause my own life for a moment and escape into an entirely new world. Maybe it’s a love story and dropping myself into a budding relationship. Maybe it’s a self-help book that allows me to see the bigger picture of the Universe. Maybe it’s a fast-paced thriller where I can spend some time trying to solve a case and less time trying to solve my own problems.

I read to be educated. Fiction and nonfiction alike allow me to see the world through a different lens. Americanah opened my eyes to the cultural differences between African-Americans and Africans who immigrate to the United States. MWF Seeking BFF made me realize that making friends as an adult is hard for nearly everyone, and it gave me practical steps to make friends. A Thousand Splendid Suns taught me what life is like for women in other countries where their voices are oppressed. The Willpower Instinct helped me understand my brain and how it reacts to willpower and self-control in a super easy-to-understand way.

I read to be moved, to be taken to a place outside of myself and my own little bubble. Two Kisses for Maddy had me sobbing as Matt Logelin told me in the most honest and raw way possible about the death of his wife. Firefly Lane gave me unexpected tears and hiccuping sobs when the book took an unexpected turn that nearly destroyed me. Me Before You broke me, taking me into a world full of pain and heartache and strife, but showing me how goodness and sweetness and heart can commingle with it.

I read to calm my anxiety. It’s easy to tell when I’m feeling anxious and restless because all I’m reading are romance novels. Whenever I’m feeling out of sorts, I can always depend on a sweet, light-hearted romance novel to lift my spirits.

I read for an experience, to be taken on a journey so far outside my realm of understanding. The Martian allowed me to explore life on Mars. To Kill a Mockingbird brought me to a small Southern town to learn about racism. The Night Circus took me to a secret, vivid world of magic and storytelling and fantasy. And, who can leave the Harry Potter series out of this? A series unlike anything I’ve ever read, an experience unlike I’ve ever known.

I read for enjoyment, because reading is, hands down, my absolute favorite hobby and my favorite way to waste time. I read to lose all sense of time and place, to dive so completely into a book that all other demands and needs disappear for a while.

I read because it connects me to a younger me, the girl who would go to the library every Saturday and check out 12 books (the limit for the children’s section) and read them all within a week. The girl who didn’t care if her parents grounded her from playing with friends or watching TV, but would throw an all-out hissy fit if they took away her books. I read for that girl who loved nothing more than getting lost in her stories, who loved these fictional worlds more than the real world.

I read because it’s a part of my identity. I am a reader, a bookworm, a bibliophile. I am the girl that people come to for book recommendations, and I can usually find something perfect for that person and their needs. I make the time for reading because it fulfills me and makes me happy. I read because I don’t understand people who don’t read. I read because I love it.

Why do you read?

Categories: About Me

11 Questions

Earlier this week, San nominated me for the Liebster Award and I loved the questions she posed, so I wanted to take the time to give my answers. (Side note: remember when blog awards were super popular, back in the “glory days” of blogging? Getting nominated for them always brightened my day! So fun that some of these awards are still floating around the blogosphere.)

But I’m going to break the rules a little here and only answer the questions San asked. I’m supposed to ask 11 questions of my own and nominate other bloggers, but it’s okay to break the rules sometimes, right? 😉

1. What is your favorite beauty product?

I have really light blonde eyebrows that basically disappear on my face, so once I discovered NYX’s eyebrow pencil, my whole life changed. Now I feel naked if I haven’t “drawn on my eyebrows” in the morning! It does wonders for me.

2. If you could pick any place/city to move to for a year, where would you want to go?

Savannah, GA! That adorable city has completely stolen my heart and though I’m not sure I could ever live so far away from my mom, I’d love to call that city home someday.

3. What is the one thing you like best about your home?

I like how bright and cheerful it is, thanks to the east side of the apartment being completely filled with windows. I open up the blinds nearly every day so I can come home to sunshine streaming inside the apartment.

4. What is your favorite pair of shoes?

I am not a shoe person at all, so I don’t think I have an answer for this one! Maybe my pair of TOMs? Those are one of the few kinds of shoes I can walk around in for miles and they won’t hurt my arches.

5. What is your favorite travel destination?

Anywhere a cruise ship will take me! Come on, is that all that surprising?

6. If you could have one do-over, what would it be?

I would have declared a communications major when I entered college and not education. I appreciate the experience being an education major gave me, but I do not appreciate that I’m now paying so much more in school loans because I was in college for so much longer. It’s disheartening.

7. What is something you are currently struggling with?

How to do everything I want to do, which I think is the struggle most of us have. In between my full-time job, I want to make time to blog twice a week, work on my fiction daily, exercise at least four times a week, read as much as I can, spend time with loved ones, keep up with the TV shows I watch, take adventures, pursue a side hustle… obviously, I can’t do all of that so I have to prioritize and manage my time. But I also don’t want to manage my time and guard it so fiercely that it takes the fun out of just living. It’s a balance.

8. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner?

Dinner, please! I am one of those weirdos who doesn’t really love breakfast. If I could skip breakfast altogether, I totally would.

9. Who is your celebrity girl crush?

Jennifer Lawrence. OMG – I love her. One of my boards on Pinterest is solely devoted to J.Law quotes.

10. Why did you start blogging?

I started my first blog way back in my freshman year of high school, on Xanga, and I did it because it was the “popular” thing to do. I continued blogging, jumping from Xanga to Diaryland to Blogger to WordPress back to Blogger and eventually back to WordPress, throughout the next decade or so. I started and stopped so many blogs! I just loved telling the story of my life, mundane as it seemingly was. I always loved to write and I loved having a space on the Internet to tell my story.

11. Tell me about one of your plans for this summer.

I don’t have any concrete summer plans as of yet. I am hoping to spend a lot of time at my pool, organize a fun girls’ outing for my mom’s birthday in July, and travel to Asheville with my roommate in August. Fingers crossed I can make it all happen! (Okay, that was three things. Oops.)

Your turn – tell me one thing you’d like to do over and one thing you’re doing this summer!

Categories: About Me

My Blogging Process

I celebrated six years of blogging at Stephany Writes in September. That feels absolutely crazy to me, mainly because I used to have Blogging ADD where I would constantly start and stop blogs I created. Before committing to this blog, I don’t think I kept a blog running for more than a year before dropping it for a different one.

And yet… here I am. More than six years into this blog, and with no plans to stop anytime soon. I love this space because it’s where I feel most fully myself. When I started blogging here, I was nearly 22 and just beginning my journey through journalism school. There was a lot of complaining (oh, the complaining!) and a lot of sadness. Eventually, as I grew up and graduated college and found more solid footing on who I am and what I want, I found my blogging voice.

So, with six years of blogging under my belt (and really, more than that if you add in my other blogs), I thought it might be fun to talk about my blogging process – how do I come up my blog topics, maintain a consistent schedule, etc?

Let’s dive in!

How do I come up with content ideas?

As you’ll begin to see, my entire blogging process is pretty straightforward and no-frills. I don’t keep a detailed list in Evernote. Instead, I just use my Notes app, where I jot down post ideas as they come to me. Post ideas come to me at the most random times, too. Sometimes, I’ll have a thought as I listen to a podcast or read an article or commute to work or fall asleep at night.

The minute I have the idea, I immediately pull out my phone and jot the thought down. The last content idea that I jotted down was simply the quote: “What you think about me is none of my business.” Someday, I’d like to explore what that quote means to me, especially as someone who deals with self-esteem issues on a daily basis.

Sometimes, the idea is bigger than that, like this:

That one came to me last week as I was reading right before bed. It was just one of those out-of-the-blue moments and I wanted to make sure I wrote down this thought in its entirety, exactly how I feel about it so that I can come back to it at another point in time and dive into my thoughts on the subject in a personal essay.

So, that’s how I come up with post ideas! I like having a long list of random thoughts I’d like to blog about because I can pull from this list as I make my editorial calendar. Speaking of that…

Do I keep an editorial calendar?

Absolutely! I find keeping an editorial calendar is key to maintaining a consistent blogging schedule. Mainly, I try to be a month ahead in my blogging schedule. I use Google Calendar for this, which makes it easy to switch out blog ideas if something comes up and I need to change the post topic I had planned. Here’s what February looks like:

Now that I have and use a paper planner regularly, I only use Google Calendar for my post ideas. You may notice that I’ve only planned for two posts a week and that’s because I have made the decision to move from three posts a week to two, to create space for more novel-writing time. My goal is to write one personal essay, to be published on Tuesday, and then a low-key post for Fridays, like Five for Fridays or a Currently post.

Honestly, without this editorial calendar, I’m not sure if I would be able to maintain a consistent blogging schedule. This is what keeps me in line, motivated to write, and my topics fresh and interesting.

Being able to see what I have planned for the month means I always know what I am writing about the following week, and gives me the time to ruminate on what I want to say before writing the post. So, how do I write my posts? Well…

What does my content writing process look like?

This is the one area that can be all over the place, as I don’t have a set schedule for when I write. It’s just whenever I can make the time for it. But, how do I go from an idea in my Notes app to a published post on my blog? It’s not quite as streamlined as you may think!

For example, let’s discuss my post last week, For the Love of Writing. I wrote a long draft of the post on the Friday before I published it. I spent probably about an hour to an hour and a half free-writing. I didn’t stop to edit it for clarity or grammar or anything like that. I just wrote from the heart. Then, I stepped away from the post for a few days. I came back to it on Sunday night, read through what I wrote and added to it. I stepped away again. On Monday night, I came back to the post for my final round of revisions. I read through it, this time via a blog preview so I could read how it would look on my blog (sometimes, I can catch mistakes more easily that way than just by viewing it through WordPress), fixing mistakes and clarifying statements and deleting sentences that didn’t belong. I found a picture to accompany the post. And, after about an hour of editing, I scheduled it to publish the following day.

Sounds pretty crazy, right? I basically spent more than three hours perfecting just one post. Now, I don’t do that for every post (for example, my Currently in January post took me less than an hour to write), but for personal essays and more in-depth posts, they take me a long time because I want them to say exactly what I meant for them to say. And that takes a lot of writing and revising and editing and revising and writing and editing. Over and over and over again, until the post reads perfect (or nearly perfect) to my eyes.

This is also why I’ve decided to drop down to two posts a week. One, so I can focus on writing more personal essays and more meaningful posts. I want to focus more on quality and less on quantity this year. And two, because I need to create more space in my life for novel writing. With three posts a week, the majority of my weeknights were taken up with blogging. I had to change my schedule because writing my novel is my main priority goal for 2016, so I need to make sure I am really making it my number-one focus.

But that’s basically my blogging process! I do like to include a graphic with my posts, and that can add 10-15 minutes to my process between finding the right photo, uploading it to PicMonkey and adding text, and adding it to the post. I don’t spend time promoting my posts on social media (I’ll usually just tweet about the post once in the morning, and sometimes I don’t even do that), so basically, once the post is published, I’ve moved on to what’s next for me.

Keeping up with my blog can seem like a lot of work to some, but honestly, I only do it because I love it. It’s a hobby that earns me no money (it actually costs me money once I pay my yearly domain and hosting fees, ha), but I have gained so much from this space – new best friends, new outlooks on life, the push to go after my dreams, and mostly, a space to be myself, to be accepted, to be heard.

What does your blogging process look like?