Today is Eloise’s birthday! She’s a big, bad two-year-old now. I’ve been celebrating her birthday all week, starting with Monday when I woke up and excitedly exclaimed to her, “It’s your birthday week!” Tonight, I’m baking a little treat for her and Lila (recipe found here) to enjoy and we’ll spend copious amounts of time playing with the teasers since those are her favorite.

This week, I’ve felt remarkably better than previous weeks. My anxiety is manageable, and I’m actually feeling positive about things. I mean, not postive-positive. I understand that people are still getting sick and dying, that families are worried about loved ones, that people are losing their jobs left and right. But from my little bubble of social isolation, I’m feeling good.

I had a writing date with my friend M. on Sunday morning on Zoom, and it was so nice! It felt so normal to be sitting there, talking about writing with her. Even though we talk multiple times a day through Marco Polo, it was still nice to just see her in real-time and talk to her about life. And I worked on my novel a little bit! It felt so good to be able to make a wee bit of progress on my WIP and I would really like to set aside more time to do so. And yet, I haven’t opened up my WIP since our writing date. Maybe that’s a goal for May.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with a lot during this whole isolation stage is making food for myself. I feel like I should have more motivation to make home-cooked meals for myself every day, especially since I’m at home. And yet, I don’t. Then again, I’ve never been someone who likes to cook—it usually stresses me out!—so it makes sense that it’s the last thing I want to do right now. I’ve been ordering from UberEats a lot (I’m trying to only order twice a week, but usually it’s 3 to 4 times a week, eeks) and also making really simple freezer meals. I’m not eating healthy at all right now but damn, I just don’t care. Comfort eating is where it’s at and if that’s what keeps me going through this pandemic, so be it. I’m trying not to put stress on myself to make an elaborate home-cooked meal. If all I can manage is a frozen pizza or cereal for dinner, then that’s what it will be. It’s not ideal, of course, but it’s just hard for me to muster the energy for much else.

Work has been stressful this week, as it always is as we near the end of the month. But it’s been a good distraction from everything that’s going on. I’m going to have to do a little work this weekend (a few hours, nothing crazy) to make sure I hit my deadlines next week, but that’s okay. It’s been nice to have something to focus on and feels good to be really busy. May is going to be a really insane month. One of our writers is leaving, so divvying up her clients will be interesting, but I think I’m up for the challenge. Keeping busy, at least in terms of my work life, is helpful for me right now and I enjoy what I do so much that I don’t even mind when it gets crazy like this.

My weekends are so damn boring right now and there are times when I think about trying to be more productive—maybe doing longer workouts or baking a complicated dessert or doing some much-needed cleaning chores (my oven needs a deep, deep scrubbing)—but I am just really enjoying taking it easy. I allow myself to wake up whenever I want and then spend the morning puttering around. I’ll usually do my grocery shop for the week on Saturday morning and then otherwise take it easy: reading, catching up on blogs and emails, etc. I’ll take a nap in the afternoon, usually three or four hours, and then when I wake up, I go for a long walk, eat dinner while watching Netflix, take a bubble bath, screw around online for a while, and then go to bed. Rinse and repeat every weekend. I’m taking advantage of this time to be lazy because, really, there’s nothing pressing on my agenda. Nothing I really need to be doing. I’m choosing laziness over productivity. And I’m okay with that.

It’s hard to know what’s going to happen in May. Our stay-at-home order expires on Thursday and while our governor and local officials have been discussing what happens next, there’s truly nothing in place for reopening businesses. I think that’s what’s so scary about this whole pandemic—there’s no exit strategy here. I don’t trust my governor and I sure as hell don’t trust our president to do what’s right. I’ll be interested to see what steps our local officials take, as they seem to have the right look at things (my county and the neighboring county where I work both issued stay-at-home orders weeks before our governor did). All I really know is that my company plans to keep us out of the office throughout May and most likely into much of June. I’m glad for that, as I feel really anxious when I’m away from home right now and I know it’s going to take me a while to feel safe in public again.

So that’s where I’m at right now. I feel pretty good, as long as I don’t think too much about the virus and plans for reopening the country. As always, what’s getting me through each day are my sweet, funny girls who keep me company on work calls (Eloise literally laid in front of my computer and let me pet her for an entire hour during a call yesterday) and jump onto my desk randomly just to rub their faces on my laptop. I don’t know how I would get through this time without them!

We’re halfway through April! We made it, you guys. Now we just have to get through the second half. I don’t know what awaits us in May—will the country start slowly reopening or will our stay-at-home orders be extended? Every news alert seems to tell me something different so I’m just going to try to be patient and see what happens. I am heartened that things seem to be on the downward slope, at least for the states that were aggressive with early stay-at-home orders (looking at you, California). What this whole mess solidifies—not that I needed it solidified, mind you—is how terrible a leader Trump is. I mean, he’s more concerned about the number of people watching his press briefings than the number of people dying from COVID-19! It’s shameful and abhorrent and he has cost so many lives.

Last weekend was a tough one. The weekends typically are. There’s nowhere to go, nobody to see, nothing to do. I took my weekly grocery store trip and had a short Zoom chat with my book club ladies, and that was about it for me. Sunday was particularly hard since it was Easter and I was really sad not to see my family that day. I had a terrible night of sleep—didn’t fall asleep until after 3 a.m. and then was up at 6 a.m.—and felt really anxious and irritable. I spent most of the morning and afternoon in bed, sleeping and reading, and then went for a walk in the afternoon. The walk helped a little but it was so hot. I looked at the temperature when I finished my walk and it was 91 degrees with a “feels like” temp of 99, thanks to the humidity. Welcome to summer, I guess? Oof. It’s back to early morning or early evening walks for me now.

After my terrible night of sleep on Saturday, I started taking 6 mg of melatonin around 8 p.m. every night and it has been magic. Previously, I was not able to shut off my brain to fall asleep. I was tired! I couldn’t even stay up and read. But once I turned out the light and pulled up the covers, my brain would start spinning at a million miles a minute. Somehow, melatonin has helped to shut off the crazy thoughts. I’ve also started doing a short meditation session (5 minutes) using the Smiling Mind app. It’s a free meditation app and I find it really helps to put me in a calm state of mind before I fall asleep. I’ve been sleeping wonderfully this week thanks to these two additions to my nighttime routine.

In real fun, of-course-this-would-happen-during-a-pandemic news, my washer broke last week. I’m not keen on having maintenance people in my apartment right now, especially because my place is so small, so I went over to my mom’s place this week to do a load of laundry. (She wasn’t there.) This isn’t the most ideal situation obviously, but it seems like the best solution I can come up with. It also means I get to see my fur-brother! I went weeks without seeing him and I was missing that little monster so very much. It was nice to have some playtime with him!

A friend asked me this week what, exactly, I am anxious about when it comes to COVID-19. It was such a great question! There is really so much to be anxious about, between worry about getting the virus itself, the economy, the medical community, essential workers, unemployment rates, and then my own little struggles. I’ll be completely honest here: I’m mostly anxious about how long the social distancing will last. Of course, I am stressed out about unemployment numbers and lack of PPE for medical workers and our economy. I am devastated by the deaths. But it’s easy to compartmentalize that—and it’s something I have to compartmentalize because there is literally not a single thing I can do about it. I can’t create jobs or miraculously find PPE. I can just do my part by social distancing, which I am gladly doing, but y’all, it is hard. It is hard because I am alone. I spend every single day alone, with only my cats to talk to. I get to talk to friends via Facetime and Marco Polo, but I haven’t hugged someone or been hugged in weeks. It’s lonely and isolating and I just want a hug from my mom more than I want anything else in this world. The thought of our stay-at-home order extending through May is overwhelming and anxiety-inducing and stressful. If that’s what it takes to beat this pandemic, I will do it gladly. But I can’t help but feel incredibly anxious when I imagine another seven weekends of this isolation. I’m also very anxious about what the next steps are for reopening the country. There doesn’t seem to be any sort of solid plan in place and excuse me if I’m not feeling totally comfortable leaving this in the hands of Florida’s governor or Trump. Neither have shown to be particularly intelligent about the right pandemic protocols. So I guess, when it comes down to it, that’s what I’m anxious about. And as someone whose anxiety usually falls into the “catastrophizing future events” camp, it makes sense, you know? When I don’t know what’s coming next, my mind starts spinning and creating worst-case scenarios and scary situations.

I’ll also be honest that going to the grocery store where a good majority of individuals, including myself, are wearing masks doesn’t help my anxiety levels. I’m glad we’re all taking precautions, but it’s also frightening because it feels like we’re living in an alternate reality. I have to take a moment after every weekly grocery store trip to get my bearings and remind myself that this will not be our reality forever. Just for now.

And I guess that’s the lesson I’m taking from this week: Take every day one step at a time. Don’t think about the future. Focus on what’s happening now. And right now? It’s Friday. I have two of the most adorable cats in the world that I get to spend copious time with. The weather is beautiful and perfect for long walks. And I have a full pan of brownies that I baked just for myself. Good things are always around.