Life – Page 44

Categories: Life

Guest Post: A Letter To My Past

Happy Friday! I have a very special post for you today. While I’m on my own personal mission to write guest posts this year, I think it’s only fair I open my own blog up for guest posting. Akirah has just launched her own website that has a very personal and wonderful mission. I’m so excited to bring you her post – and as a special note, you should definitely hop on over to her blog as she’s running a very awesome giveaway – check it out here.

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Hello everyone! My name is Akirah Robinson. I recently launched akirahrobinson.com, my own special space on the Internet where I remind women of how brave their hearts are and teach them how to pursue healthy relationships.

Today I am really happy Stephany let me take over her special space on the internet because I love her blog, especially the letters she writes to her future husband. Her letters are always honest and show how committed she is to being with not just any man, but the right man. I’ve always admired that about her and thought today I would write a letter too. This letter is for twenty-four year old me, right after I finally decided to break up with my abusive boyfriend and learn how to live life on my own.

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Dear Akirah,

You did it. I am really proud of you. There will be some tough nights ahead, but trust me, you won’t regret this decision. In fact, in a few years you’ll consider it the best decision of your life. And you will be very happy.

You’ve known for a while that this relationship was wrong for you. Even on your first date, you knew something about him was off. I understand why you held on for so long though. Don’t feel silly for trying to make it work. You simply wanted what most of your friends already had: a boyfriend.

Boyfriends can be great, but not when they’re abusive. Over the next few months it will sink in just how unhealthy this relationship was. You’ll attend a support group for other survivors of abuse which will help you a lot. You’ll regain your confidence, run a 10K, start rockin’ an afro, and begin grad school.

You’ll date a lot of different guys and get your heart broken a few times, but after becoming stronger and wiser, you won’t take too long to bounce back. You’ll go dancing with your girlfriends, live in an apartment by yourself, and even accept a promotion at work. So many awesome things are ahead of you, Akirah. Your mid-twenties are going to ROCK!

That doesn’t mean life will be easy. There will be some nights when you cry yourself to sleep. You’ll read some article claiming that 70% of black women never get married and it will freak you out to your core. Some days you’ll feel fat and inadequate and ugly. You’ll grow impatient with singleness and wonder if you should take your ex back. And when all of your friends start to get engaged, you’ll freak out some more. It will feel like you’re being left behind, but try hard to trust your journey. Marriage and babies do not make your friends’ journeys any better than yours. Your journey is unique and beautiful.

Remember that.

This relationship may have failed, but you are not a failure. Everyone and their mother could see how much you gave this man. He just wasn’t able or willing to give you what you deserve in return. Hard work is crucial to a relationship and it must be reciprocated in order for the relationship to survive. One day you will meet a wonderful man and fall head over heels in love with him. After you get married, you’ll both work equally hard at your partnership. Words cannot express just how right he is for you. For now, be patient. Your life with him will be worth the wait.

Akirah, you must believe that even when you don’t have a man in your life, you are still valuable. Your worth is not determined by whether or not you are the apple of some man’s eye. This is a dangerous lie and the sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be. You’ll struggle with this a lot over the next few years, so do a little bit each day to change your perspective. You deserve to know the freedom that comes with self-love. Self-love will sustain you. Seeking validation from men will not.

These next few months are going to be hard. I won’t sugarcoat it for you; breakups suck. But your heart is brave. Let it guide you as you begin healing. Journal. Cry. Eat cookies in bed. Go dancing every weekend. Travel. Get a fish. Go shopping. Enjoy your girlfriends. Read good books. Run.

Focus on you.

After four years, it’s about time you see how awesome that can be.

XOXO,

Akirah

Categories: Life

When Intentions Fail

The Declaration of You will be published by North Light Craft Books this summer, with readers getting all the permission they’ve craved to step passionately into their lives, discover how they and their gifts are unique and uncover what they are meant to do! This post is part of The Declaration of You’s BlogLovin’ Tour, which I’m thrilled to participate in alongside over 100 other creative bloggers. Learn more — and join us! — by clicking here.

I am a big believer in setting intentions. I plan long-term intentions – such as my 30 Before 30 list and my yearly resolutions. I plan short-term intentions – such as my monthly goals and 30-day challenges. You could say my life revolves around setting intentions and goals, and planning how I’m going to achieve them. I love it.

But setting intentions is only the first step of the process. It’s the easy step – the fun step. Once you’ve discovered what intentions you want to achieve in X amount of days, weeks, months, years… then you have to break down how you’re going to set your intentions. You have to start putting in the work – and it’s not always glamorous or fun. And sometimes, and this happens to me a fair amount of the time, intentions flop. They fail. You break down halfway through the month or something happens in your life and you have to put the intention on hold.

It happens. We’re not perfect. We make mistakes. We try and fail.

I fail a lot. I’ll be completely honest. I probably achieve less than half the intentions I set every month. So what do you do when you fail, how do you pick yourself up and try again? What’s even the point?

All good questions and today, I’m going to break down three reasons why our intentions fail and what to do about it:

1. Our intentions are too vague.

Setting intentions is a fine-tuned process. We have to set specific goals that we can measure accurately. Thus, an intention of exercising three times a week for 30 minutes is a goal we can measure. On the flip side, an intention of writing more is a vague goal. When we set vague goals, we are not setting ourselves up for success because we don’t give ourselves an opportunity to track how we’re succeeding. Setting a goal for writing more isn’t bad, per say, but it’s only the first step in the process. You then have to break down the intention to exactly what you mean (Writing a specific amount of blog posts a week? Writing for 30 minutes a day?) into actionable, measurable steps.

2. We have an all-or-nothing mentality.

Let’s say you set an intention of drinking no soda for 30 days, but 10 days into the challenge, you break and have a soda. Intention over, you failed, right? Wrong! The all-or-nothing mentality has no place in goal-setting. So you screwed up once. What if you get right back up and stay soda-free for the next 20 days? Over the course of 30 days, you had one soda. That is a HUGE accomplishment and it should be celebrated! But instead, we make one mistake and we think it’s all over. We didn’t accomplish what we set out to do, so let’s just completely get off-track and do whatever we want. Stay away from this kind of thinking. Remember to do the best you can do and nothing is ever as black-and-white as we believe.

3. We’re setting an intention we don’t actually want.

Here’s the thing: sometimes, we can set an intention, fail, set it again, fail, set it again, fail. We try new ways of achieving the intention and promise ourselves next time will be better. What if you gave yourself a break? What if you sat down with yourself and wrote out exactly why you think you need to achieve this thing? What if you find out you’re setting a goal because of what other people think or are doing? Sometimes, we fail at intentions because we’re setting goals we don’t actually want for ourselves. We’re following the crowd, believing they hold the key to what makes us happy. Make sure the intention you’re setting is an intention you truly want, not what somebody else wants for you.

An example of this is the two times I made it a goal of mine to run a half-marathon. I don’t even particularly like running, but everyone around me was running half-marathons and I wanted to be like them! Both times, I quit not even halfway through the training cycle. (And the second time, I stressed myself out about it so much, I developed shingles. Yikes.) I finally sat myself down and realized that, while many of my friends are runners and love running, it’s not something I love. And then I started making goals that fueled my own passions and less of the passions of those around me, and my motivation to succeed tripled.

Setting intentions is something I thoroughly enjoy. I get excited to make lists and scheme up what I want to accomplish next. It’s exciting to me, but failure does happen a lot and these three reasons have helped me when I get frustrated with my lack of progress. Sometimes, it’s about setting a more specific intention, other times it’s about giving myself a break and getting back on the horse when I fail, and every so often? It’s about letting go of a goal because I’m not making it from a good place.

Always remember you are more than your intentions. Even when you fail, it doesn’t mean you lack something within yourself. Give yourself so much credit for being brave and courageous enough to try – and get out there and try again!

What intention are you currently working toward?

Categories: Life

50 Guest Blogs, Part IV

Happy Friday! I am oh-so-glad it is Friday and I have a fun weekend ahead of me. I have another update on my 50 Guest Blogs goal for today. When I started my guest posting journey off, I scheduled two posts a week to write and it got very overwhelming, especially since I was still writing three posts a week on my blog here! Once I caught myself up, I started scheduling just one a week and it’s been so helpful. Quality over quantity always.

Part I, II, & III

20. My Top Five Favorite Amusement Parks (Travel Spot)

Kyria was interested in me writing about something Florida-based. My favorite restaurants or sights or beaches, what have you. After much thought and deliberation, I decided to give the low-down of my favorite amusement parks within driving distance of me. I’m lucky to live so close to Orlando where I can experience the magic of Disney so easily. I’ve grown up going to amusement parks and one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend is traveling to Orlando to take in the shows, rides, and food. It’s always so much fun for me, no matter how hot or crowded it is.

“An Orlando vacation is not really a relaxing vacation, with all there is to do and see, but it is a fun one! It’s pretty much a given that you will have an enjoyable time – whether you love roller coasters, fun shows, or delicious food.”

21. The Quarterlife Crisis “Aha!” Moment (Habits of Thinking)

Rene’s blog is centered around millennials and finding inspiration in your twenties, so I knew the perfect topic would be about my quarter-life crisis “Aha!” moment – that moment when a lightbulb comes on in your brain and you discover just what this life is about. It’s not about knowing exactly what we want to do and the exact path we want to take – it’s about change, growth, discovery. I don’t have a five-year plan for my life and I’m not sure I even want a five-year plan. It feels so limiting when there are so many ways my life can change in five years. I could be married or living in a new city or even still at my same job. The important thing is to trust the process and trust in yourself. Give yourself chances to fail, try new things, and never, ever be afraid to be yourself.

“Our futures are so wide open, so bright, that it can feel overwhelming at times. That’s when the quarterlife crisis kicks in. It tells you lies. It feasts on your doubts and anxieties. It breeds new fears.”

22. The Waiting Period (Chasing Moonlight & Roses)

Ali writes a “Marriage Monday” series on her blog and asked if I wouldn’t mind contributing to it, about my Letters to My Future Husband series. I’m always willing to write about why I choose to write my letters and what it’s like to wait so I wrote a bit about the waiting period – this time in my life right now where I’m just trying to be patient and listen to God’s will. Some days are easier than others, but I’m in a very peaceful place right now in my singleness – where I would be happy to meet someone, but just as happy to keep living my life by myself.

“As a single girl, I am choosing to honor myself and my values by being true to my beliefs and not falling for the first guy who shows me any kind of attention. It means being picky about who I spend my time with and what dates to go on. It means finding my truth, honing my strengths, and learning to love me as me.”

23. Why Every Writer Should Attempt NaNoWriMo (Katie’s Notebook)

I knew Katie’s blog revolved around writing, editing, and books so coming up with a topic for her blog was easy: NaNoWriMo! While I have covered a lot of writing topics over my past twenty-odd guest posts, I hadn’t yet written about NaNoWriMo. Katie has done this crazy writing challenge with me so I knew she would be a kindred spirit. I wrote about my experience with NaNo, as well as gave three reasons why all writers should attempt this. It’s not easy and takes a lot of discipline to sit down every day and write, but I think it was so worthwhile for my writing goals.

“While the story I wrote for last year’s NaNoWriMo project didn’t turn out to be something I wanted to publish, it was still a worthwhile experience and I took so many good lessons about the craft of writing from it. It opened me up, made me vulnerable, and showed me that writing is exactly what I want to do with my life. In any shape or form. Writing is in my blood and it is what I am meant to be doing.”

24. How to Write More in Three Easy(ish) Steps (Fizz and Shimmer)

Natasha and I share a similar love for the written word and writing, and she was interested in me writing about how I find time to write. It’s not easy, that’s for sure. But I love it. I love writing so, so, so much that I willingly give up free time to craft posts for my blogs, write guest posts, and work on my fiction. Some days are harder than others to get started, but it never feels like work. It’s fun. It makes me happy. And I find time to write because I love to write. But it still takes discipline and in this post, I detail three ways you can make time to write more.

“Writing is my favorite thing to do. It’s my release. It’s where I feel at home. It’s where I feel the most honest and authentic.”

25. On Learning to Say Yes (Finding My Balance)

I absolutely adore Cait and we’ve become fairly good friends over the past year. Honestly, as she mentions in the post, I have no idea how we found each other’s blogs but we did and I’m so thankful for her. Our lives are definitely different, but we share a lot of the same fears and characteristics so it’s always nice to talk to her. Cait was interested in me writing a post dedicated to her blog title: how I find balance in my life. This was not a very easy topic, since I don’t struggle with finding balance. Well, not in the way most people think of finding balance. I talk about learning to be more unbalanced in my everyday life, dealing with social anxiety, and learning to say yes to opportunities – even those I don’t necessarily want to do.

“My social anxiety is a real and live thing in my life. It’s something I will always need to be aware of, but it’s not something that should hold me back from seeking new opportunities to meet new people and grow my social skills.”

I’m still looking for blogs to guest post on! Fill out this form and I’ll send you an email with all the details.

Categories: Life

Project 333

I am a wannabe minimalist. I crave space and openness and light. I don’t want to see crammed bookshelves or overflowing closets in my home. I want as little room taken up as possible. I want to live with less because that kind of life is appealing to me.

Over the past few years, I’ve bought into consumerism and the buy-buy-buy phenomenon. Shopping has become a drug to me, something to do to make me feel better. Yet I swipe that credit card and a hand grips me deep in my stomach. I don’t get a high from shopping, I don’t even particularly like it all that much. (Being at the mall usually puts me in a bad mood.) As much as having new things and wearing the latest trends is nice, it’s not the kind of life I want for myself.

As I mentioned in a post last week, I long to live a frugal life because I want to. Yet I’m getting caught up in what I should be doing, not what actually feels right in my heart.

So, now, for the next three months, I am going to dress with just 33 items. Project 333 is a minimalist fashion challenge that urges people to whittle down their closets and jewelry cases to just the bare necessities. Undergarments, loungewear, pajamas, and workout clothes are excluded but everything else is not. This challenge also includes accessories such as jewelry (though wedding rings and sentimental jewelry that you never take off are excluded), shoes, and any other accessories, such as purses, sunglasses, scarves, etc.

I thought the easiest time to do this would be in the summer months when all my winter clothes are put away and I’m already down to the basics of my wardrobe. (Always give yourself the best possible avenue to succeed when you’re trying something new!)

Thankfully, I work in a very casual office where I could wear jeans, a t-shirt, and flip-flops every day if I wanted to. So this was very helpful when creating my new wardrobe.

When creating my 33 items, I made sure to pay attention to clothes that made me feel really good when I wear them and not frumpy or awkward. I knew I wanted the majority of my wardrobe to be shirts, that I don’t wear jewelry at all, and would only need one purse throughout the challenge.

So, I whittled it down and was left with the following:

– 2 pairs of jeans
– 1 pair of shorts
– 19 shirts (vary between dressy and t-shirts)
– 2 dresses
– 1 skirt
– 1 purse
– 1 pair of sunglasses
– 2 cardigans
– 1 pair of black flats
– 1 pair of TOMs
– 1 pair of flip-flops
– 1 pair of black sandals

I started this challenge last Tuesday and have already noticed a change in the way I view picking out what I’m going to wear for the day. My closet was never stuffed full, but there was always an array of dresses and skirts and nice tops and t-shirts and should I wear this cardigan with that shirt or should I wear those shoes with that dress… with a limited selection to pick from, it’s made mornings go a whole lot smoother. I know the clothes that are hanging in my closet are ones that I love and make me feel good, so there’s no trying on shirt after shirt and discarding it because I “feel fat” in it.

Right now, it’s been nice. I enjoy the extra space in my closet and the limited selection. And with the next three months being focused on not spending money on anything unnecessary, it folds in nicely with that (since I don’t plan on buying any new clothes to supplement my wardrobe for the next three months).

It’ll be interesting to see how this changes my outlook on how I want to present myself and dress on a daily basis. Who knows where it will go from here, but that’s another blog post for another time. For right now, I’m going to enjoy my new minimalistic closet and the freedom I’m finding in fewer choices on a daily basis.

What do you think – could you whittle your closet down to 33 items to wear for 3 months? Have you ever participated in Project 333?

Categories: Life

Siesta Scripture Memory Team: Verses 3 – 6

So, remember how I wrote this nice blog post in mid-January about joining up with Beth Moore’s Siesta Scripture Memory Team and how I was going to memorize two verses a month to round out the year with knowing 24 Bible verses by heart?

Yeah. That.

I completely fell off the memory verse bandwagon and I’ve been feeling very guilty about it. But just because I fell off the bandwagon doesn’t mean I can’t hop back on, right?

Right.

So I am back on track and I have FOUR verses to share with you all. I have the first two memorized and I’m working on the second two. Now that I’m back on track, I’m finding such joy in finding verses that hold meaning to me and speaking them aloud a few times a day. They comfort me and help me to put my focus back on what truly matters.

“So then, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you may do, do it all for the honor and glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31 AMP)

Over the past few months, I have felt myself repeating a version of this verse in my head as I pull into the parking lot at work. The idea of everything I do – even the things I have to do that I don’t want to do – should be done for God’s glory. Work is on the upswing right now, but there were many, many weeks when I was very unhappy and had a lot of anxiety about my job. I felt connected to this verse. While God doesn’t want us to be miserable, I think it also is important to realize that we need to put our full effort into whatever we are doing. I need to approach my job as doing something to honor God, to glorify Him. I think once I started wrapping my head around that and realizing it’s for Him, frustrations and annoyances started leaving, little by little.

There are so many more actions you can tack onto this verse. It’s not only about doing those things you don’t want to do. So then, whether I write or read or talk or clean or exercise or eat or laugh or sing or dance or love… do it all for the glory of God.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NLT)

This is one of my favorite Bible verses. It’s a great comfort to me when I’m facing troubles of my own, but I’ve never fully memorized it. It’s a longer passage than I’m used to, but it holds such a great message. We will face troubles, we will face sorrows. Following Jesus is not meant to be easy, but we have such peace in His guidance. I know I feel so much lighter when I know I’m following in His footsteps, and not trying to do this all on my own.

I love that last sentence. I say it with drama.

TAKE HEART! I have OVERCOME the world!

He has overcome it. He has battled it and defeated it. He carried the cross, He took the nails, He died for me. And He rose. He lived. He overcame.

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 (NIV)

I love this verse. I can’t remember how I found it, but this version of it paints such a vivid picture for me. I have felt attacks on my spirit lately and it leads me to feel far away from God. This verse reminds me that I need to be aware and on alert – the enemy is looking for my weaknesses, he’s ready to pounce at any moment. I can’t – won’t! – let him win.

“Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3 (NLT)

I’ve been focusing on the New Testament for all of my verses so far, and I wanted to sneak in a Proverb into my studying. This one is just me in a nutshell. I am huge on setting goals. I just can’t fathom a life where I’m not setting goals and working to achieve them. Lately, though, I seem to be setting goals and then not putting in the work that needs to be done to achieve them. I’ve been lazy and unmotivated, to be as honest as I can be.

So when I stumbled on this verse while searching for a Proverb, my eyes lit up. It felt as if was written exactly for me. Is that what I’ve been missing? Is it because I haven’t been coming to God with my plans and asking for His help and guidance with them that they’ve fallen apart? This verse tells me that I need to have God on my side with all my goals, no matter how trivial they seem. Think about it: do I want to have His help on my side, or not? If my goals are aligning with His will, He’s going to help me see them through to completion.

What verse/saying/mantra gets you through a tough time?