Life – Page 42

Categories: Life

Musings on Grief

I think of grandma every time I pass a cemetery. I think of the fact that this bright, vivacious, beautiful person is gone – forever. It frightens me. It makes no sense. Driving past these cemeteries, these cemeteries that feel so alive and vibrant with lush grass and thriving plants and towering trees, I’m reminded of my loss. I’m reminded that when I go to her home, she won’t greet me with the biggest smile, thrilled to death by my very presence.

***

I feel guilty if it’s been more than a day since I remembered grandma. I feel as if I am not properly respecting her memory, not grieving for her in the way she should be grieved. But I also know that grandma didn’t want us to be sad over her. She never even let on how incredibly sick she really was. And no matter how terrible she felt, when I went to see her, she wanted to know about me. What I’m doing, how I like my job, if I’ve planned a cruise. The last conversation I had with her was when I visited her in the hospital the day before she was put on a breathing tube. While my frail grandma was fighting for each breath she took, she asked about my new apartment. She wanted to know how I was settling in. It’s the epitome of the woman she was – focusing on others, not worried about herself. Grandma wouldn’t want me to feel guilty. In fact, I don’t think she would have been happy knowing I feel such guilt. To honor her memory isn’t to cry over her absence – it’s to exude who she was in everything I do. Love God, love others, be a light.

***

Cancer didn’t always scare me. Not even in 2008, when she was first diagnosed. Nor in 2010, when the cancer returned. Nope, I felt invincible because grandma was beating it. She would always beat it. Until one day, she couldn’t. Until one day, the cancer took away my grandma. I replay the scenes in my head like a movie: 2008, standing in the hospital room and learning my grandma had Stage IV colon cancer; and 2016, sitting in a hospital room with my entire family, crying and laughing about our favorite memories of grandma as we watched her pass away.

Now? Cancer terrifies me.

***

I don’t have many dreams about grandma. I can only remember having one, and it was right before my mom’s Super Bowl party, where I dreamed she was there but yet… not really there. She was a vision, maybe? Like, I knew she was there, watching over us and so happy we were all together. I try to not derive too much meaning from my dreams, or the fact that I’m not dreaming, because who can really control the subconscious? I think it’s better this way. To not dream. That’s what I tell myself, anyway.

***

When I think of the time grandma was in the hospital, and the days and weeks after she passed, it all feels like a blur. Thinking back to the time, every memory seems clouded with fog. It was all so surreal; we were all so sure she was going to pull through. The day after she passed, my mom and I were at my grandpa’s house to empty out her closet. I didn’t cry once during this. I didn’t feel. I was just removing clothes from hangers, folding them, and putting them in bags to donate. Over and over and over and over again. Remove, fold, put away; remove, fold, put away. Now, as I think back to this, as I picture that closet that is now half-empty, my throat closes up and my chest feels tight. It’s strange how much of a fog that time feels. Maybe it’s our bodies way of coping, of allowing us to do all the tasks associated with death. No thinking, no feeling, just doing.

***

Life without grandma feels surreal. I’m not sure if I will ever fully process this loss. It’s too big. My grandma was my everything. She was my hero, my therapist, my cheerleader, my friend. She supported me through everything I did, never doubting my abilities. Do you know how wonderful it is to have someone like that? Someone who thinks the world of you and believes you can do big things? It’s empowering, it’s a confidence booster. My heart is shattered knowing I can’t just drop by her house and see her. The reality of that takes my breath away.

Categories: Life

Quarterly Review | First Quarter 2016

Looking back on the first quarter of 2016, I feel good about it. There’s a lot I didn’t accomplish in terms of my goals, but that’s overshadowed by really wonderful moments of living my life. I can get really wrapped up in my goals, which can result in me feeling upset with myself when I don’t hit the specific markers I set. But there’s also so much more to life than goals.

In the first quarter of the year, I went on a fantastic vacation, invested in my friendships, gave up dairy for a week, celebrated my nephew’s first birthday and my dog’s fourteenth, and read 21 books. I discovered the Gilmore Guys podcast, and I can’t believe I hadn’t listened to them before. I went on some dates and enjoyed a little bit of romance for the first time in a year.

I also experienced a lot of anxiety and loneliness, but that’s pretty typical for me. There were many weeks when I could forget about my anxiety disorder and other weeks when it felt like I was drowning in it. I was lazy with my health and didn’t put as much effort into eating better and exercising as I should have (resulting in a .2 loss on the scale for this entire quarter… ooookay then!).

So, with all that said, let’s take a look back at the goals I set for myself this year and see how they are coming along:

Main goal

Finish my novel and prepare it for publication

I did not spend nearly enough time on my novel this quarter. The time I did spend on it involved re-outlining and re-imagining specific scenes of my novel, but it resulted in not doing much of actual writing.

My plan for the next quarter: I want to write 500 words every day. Originally, I was going to challenge myself to write 1,000 words, but that feels incredibly daunting. Five hundred words is doable; that’s about half an hour out of my day.

Health and fitness goals

Lose 20 lbs

No progress made this quarter.

Exercise 3 or more times per week

There were a few weeks when I fell off the exercising bandwagon, but I’d say I achieved this goal 90% of the time? That’s good!

Drink more water, less soda

Nope. This is still a huge area of struggle for me.

Figure out what’s causing my nighttime congestion

Not completely. I bought a humidifier and a Neti pot, but neither eased my congestion. (I couldn’t even use the neti pot correctly, which leads me to think my congestion isn’t exactly sinus-related.) I also eliminated dairy from my diet for a week, which eased my congestion but didn’t relieve it completely.

Start therapy

No. I called my insurance to find out what my mental health benefits entail (the news wasn’t awesome) and to get a list of therapists in my network. I didn’t make an appointment because I’m now trying to figure out how to afford therapy.

My plans for the next quarter: I want to lose 10 lbs. It’s a lofty goal, but one I know I can achieve if I focus on cooking at home more, eating out less, and drinking less soda (I’m challenging myself to one per day). I also want to make an appointment with a doctor to further investigate what is causing my nighttime congestion.

Money and debt goals

Pay off my credit card

Achieved, thanks to a sweet tax refund in February. Having this debt paid off feels wonderful.

Save $1,000

No progress made this quarter, since I was most focused on getting my credit card paid off.

Spend less than $100 on myself each quarter

Nope, I wound up spending around $200 on myself. I knew this goal would be difficult to complete, but I’m committed to it.

My plans for the next quarter: I am challenging myself to a no-spend month in May. I have never been successful with these challenges, but I am inspired by Nora’s recent no-spend month and I want to prove to myself that I can do it, too.

Adventure and fun goals

Go on more dates

Yes! I went on six dates this quarter, which is a great number for me. I’m not the girl who can go on multiple dates every week, but I’m trying to go on two per month. This quarter, all of my dates came from Tinder, which has led to some interesting stories, but that’s about it.

Travel to a new state

No progress made. Most likely, this goal will be accomplished in quarter three.

Go on monthly adventures

Eh, somewhat. In January, I went to the circus with some girlfriends and in March, I went on a cruise. I didn’t take an adventure in February.

Get a tattoo

No progress made. I don’t think I’ll accomplish this until quarter three or four.

Take an online course

No progress made, but I will be completing an online course in quarter two.

My plans for the next quarter: I’m planning to buy a six-month subscription to either Match or eHarmony because I am honestly ready to take this next step in online dating. I also plan on starting Gina Horkey’s 30 Days or Less to Freelance Writing Success course, since I’ve heard good things about it.

Books and media goals

Read 75 books

I read 21 books in quarter one. If I continue my pattern of reading seven books a month, I’ll read 84 books this year.

Reread Harry Potter and watch all of the movies

I read the first two books in the series and watched the first two movies as well. This goal is so fun to complete!

Watch 12 movies I’ve never seen before

This quarter, I watched Forrest Gump, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and Steel Magnolias.

My plans for the next quarter: Nothing set in stone. I would like to read the next two books in the Harry Potter series (very thankful to a sweet friend who is lending me the books from her personal collection!) and watch the next two movies. For the movies I’d like to see, I have a long list to work from, but I think I’ll definitely try to get in a viewing of Top Gun.

So, what are the big goals I want to accomplish in the next quarter?

I want to write 500 words of my novel daily
I want to lose 10 lbs and challenge myself to drink one soda per day
I want to complete a no-spend month in May
I want to complete Gina Horkey’s 30 Days or Less to Freelance Writing Success
I want to go on five or more dates

Here we go! Quarter two awaits me. 🙂

Are there any goals you want to focus on in this second quarter of 2016?

Categories: Life

Why I Couldn’t Complete a Minimalism Challenge

minimalism

Through my friend Lisa, I found out about this minimalism game, in which you spend a month decluttering your home. On the first day of the month, you get rid of one thing. On the second day, two things. Third day, three things. And so on until the end of the month.

Lisa decided to complete this game in February, and I wanted to play along with her. While I didn’t think I had 435 items to purge, the experiment intrigued me enough to want to play along.

I should say that I have been on a mission of living with less for a few years now. I get it: minimalism is the “cool thing” to do now (at least in Internet circles), but I’ve never been someone who likes clutter or finds enjoyment in owning things. Some people do, and honestly, that’s fine. If organized chaos is your jam, then that’s awesome. You do you.

For me, clutter makes me anxious and I believe everything needs to have a place. If something does not have a place, then it makes me question why I’m owning it.

Truthfully, we keep a lot of stuff we don’t need because we think we “should” own it. One of the easiest examples of this is with books. I think it’s safe to say that I am a major bookworm, but one thing you won’t find in my home is a bookshelf. That’s right – I am a bookworm that doesn’t own very many books. In fact, I can fit my entire book collection on my nightstand. And I hesitate to call this a collection because one book is for a blog review, another for Postal Book Club, and the two Harry Potter tomes were loaned to me from a friend. (So, these books won’t be in my home for very long.)

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I should own books, right? I love to read! What more bookworm-y thing is there than bookshelves stuffed with books? And yet… I don’t feel as if I need to own books. There are a few reasons why. I rarely buy books, preferring to frequent the library or buy digital when necessary. I rarely reread and don’t see much of a point of holding onto a book that will just grow dusty on a shelf. And when I did own a bookshelf stuffed with books, it felt more like something I needed to keep because I was a reader and readers have bookshelves.

But when I packed up my books – all of them – and took them to my local library, I felt free. I felt as if I had lifted this heavy weight from my shoulders. This weight that said I should own something because of XYZ reason.

From then on, I really began to examine the stuff I kept. Dozens and dozens of shoes? Why? I’m not much of a shoe person, so out they went and now, I have seven pairs I rotate around. Jewelry? I don’t even like to wear jewelry and haven’t worn any of my necklaces in months. See ya. Purses? Clothes? Beauty products? Odds and ends? Unless I had a reason to keep them, good riddance.

When I moved back in September, I purged many of my belongings. In the end, my entire life fit into just a few boxes. And then, a month into living in Tampa, I did another purge because my closet felt overwhelming. I filled up an entire garbage bag of stuff that I thought I “needed.”

It’s amazing how much we think we need, but how much we really don’t.

So, this February purge. I figured I still had stuff I needed to let go of. And I found stuff. Little things. Beauty products that were almost used up or I no longer needed, shirts that had seen the wash a few too many times and were misshapen, pens, bobby pins, expired medicine, dog clothing I’d never put on Dutch, headbands, out-of-shape elastics, and on and on.

Fifty-five things I found.

Until Friday, February 12.

I looked around my bathroom, opening cabinets and pulling out drawers. Nothing. I use all of this.

I looked around my bedroom, peering inside my nightstand. Nothing. I use all of this.

I looked inside my walk-in closet, taking down boxes, inspecting my shoe bin, looking through my purses. Nothing. I use all of this.

I looked in the kitchen, opening cabinets and doors. Nothing. I use all of this.

It came to a point where I looked around my home and I realized I am living with less.

I am living with exactly what I need.

I am not keeping things around because I think I should keep them.

I am keeping things around because I use them or because they hold value to me, like my great-grandma’s Bible.

What this minimalism challenge taught me was that I am living my minimalist life. It’s not something I’m striving for, but something I’m doing. Sure, as the challenge shows, I had some things to get rid of. But little things. I’m not hoarding books or shoes or clothing or knick-knacks or things I think I need to keep but don’t actually need.

It’s a pretty spectacular feeling, knowing you’re living your minimalist life.

Categories: Life

Quarterly Review | 4th Quarter 2015

At the end of every quarter, I like to take the time to do a quarterly review. I started this last year and I just really like taking the time to look back on the previous three months and outline the highlights, the low lights, the goals I wanted to achieve, etc. And then I like to take the time to visualize what I’d like to achieve in the upcoming quarter. And, while I will be setting some intentions for Quarter 1 of 2016 in this post, I’ll be detailing my goal-setting process in greater detail on Wednesday, so stay tuned for that!

Anyway, let’s dive into my review of Quarter 4 of 2015!

What went well in Q4?

Dutch ran in his fourth Running of the Wieners race, and placed second in his heat. (By default – the other three dogs didn’t even cross the finish line, ha!)
I enjoyed Halloween at work. Roomie and I dressed up in a punny couple costume – she was a “holy cow” and I was an “oh deer.” It was a super easy costume and really fun to get into the spirit with everyone at work.
I visited The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for the first time! I had a blast and I am so thankful to my roommate for taking me and letting me fully nerd out.
I won NaNoWriMo 2015! I spent a lot of time writing in this quarter of the year and it solidified just how much I want to finish my novel and get it published.
I rang in the New Year in a fantastic way – surrounded by friends at a bar downtown. Typically, New Year’s is a boring night for me where I stay in and am usually asleep before midnight. Which is fine, but it can also be lonely. I’m really glad my roommate pushed me to go out with her and her boyfriend because it reminded me that being social is fun and I have to stop hiding behind my introversion.

What was challenging about Q4?

I lost my grandma. By far, this is the toughest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. Knowing that I won’t ever be able to talk to her, hug her, see her again is this crushing reality that I can’t really face. It feels too raw, too painful. I’ve never had to grieve a loss like this, so I don’t know the “right” way to do it, but I guess the best way to work through the pain is to try to live like she did – someone who was selfless, giving, compassionate, and truly a beautiful soul.
Another challenging part of this quarter was dealing with Dutch’s illness in late October. It was the first time I was dealing with him all on my own, and it was the first time I ever stayed up all night with a sick pup. I think I got maybe three hours of sleep the night he got sick. If that. Thankfully, the vet diagnosed him with a simple bacterial infection and with some antibiotics, he was back to his normal self within a few days.

What did I want to accomplish in Q4?

I wanted to get a tattoo, which I did not accomplish.
I wanted to participate in The Holiday Council 2015, which I did. (And loved, as always.)
I wanted to bake my first-ever pie for Thanksgiving, which I did not do.
I wanted to win NaNoWriMo 2015, which I did!
I wanted to exercise consistently 3-4 times per week and drink 32 ounces of water per day, which I did neither of, eek.

What would make the first quarter of 2016 a successful quarter for me?

Creating healthier habits – My two main goals for this quarter are to exercise three times per week and to drink 16 oz of water a day (nope, not nearly what I should be drinking, but an easy goal to strive for).
Being more mindful – I feel like I can get caught up in the to-do’s of life that I don’t take time to appreciate the present moment. I want to spend time each night writing 2-3 sentences about my day and I also want to really be deliberate with how I am spending my time, my energy, and my money.
Saying yes – You know how most people have trouble saying no and turning down plans? I have the opposite problem – I have no problem saying no, I have a problem with saying yes. I like to hide behind my introversion and my HSP nature (social environments can be very uncomfortable for me). I want to stop that. I want to say yes more often – not to a point of overwhelming me (I won’t schedule more than one event during the work week, two during the weekend) – but just to show myself that being social is fun and I do enjoy myself.

What were some of the highlights of the last quarter of 2015 for you?

Categories: Life

The Tampa Bay Project #8: Participate in a Murder Mystery Show

Full disclosure before I begin this post: In exchange for an honest review, The Murder Mystery Company provided me with two tickets to a show. I was not otherwise monetarily compensated, and all words and opinions are strictly my own.

One of my lifelong goals has been to participate in a murder mystery show. Growing up, my favorite board game was Clue and it was the one game that would make my eyes light up if my family agreed to play it during a family game night. So murder mystery theater? Sign me up.

I was thrilled when I was given two free tickets to a recent show taking place at Tampa Pitcher Show, which is a fun theater that has a full dinner and bar menu and in-theater dining service. I’ve only been to this theater once and it was a few years ago, but I remember loving this little eclectic place. I was excited to see how the theater would transform for an event like a murder mystery show.

I found the entire evening to be very fun, but completely different from what I was expecting. I think I expected more of a performance and working together with my tablemates to go through the clues and figure out who was the murderer, but it wasn’t anything like that. Instead, it was an event that required a ton of audience participation. I was up and out of my seat for most of the night, mingling with the other guests and trying to find out clues.

With this show, they had four actors playing parts and then they picked out 10 or so people from the audience to be in the show as well. (Luckily, I wasn’t chosen, which I am eternally grateful for.) One of my tablemates was chosen, much to his girlfriend’s delight, as he is usually shy and reserved so this was completely out of his comfort zone.

The show was a lot less performance and a lot more audience participation. It involved going up to the other actors to ask pointed, leading questions in the hopes of figuring out the “whodunnit.” In the beginning, my table wasn’t very good at this because we were very confused about what to do and what questions to ask. We fumbled over our answers to other people and I honestly had no idea what was going on! But as the show went on, we gathered our bearings and began to piece together what had happened and how everything fit together.

We pieced it together so well that we won! Our table was honored as the “Detectives of the Night” for having the “most correct answer.” As in, we not only had to name the “whodunnit” but also write a very compelling argument as to why this person had motive and how she committed the murders (there were two!). I was very proud of our team because I felt like we really had to work hard for that distinction! Lots of running around, asking questions, and keeping up with all the different characters.

So, that’s the event, but I cannot consider this a full review without naming the highs and lows, so anyone considering this event as a date night or girl’s night out can do so with an informed opinion.

So, here’s what’s good about The Murder Mystery Company:

The actors – The show was wonderfully campy and exactly what you’d want out of a performance such as this. They really put their whole hearts into the show.
The mystery – I found the actual mystery that we had to solve to be pretty interesting and well-developed. While it was pretty obvious to my table who the murderer was, it wasn’t a conclusive decision. That made it fun because we were on pins and needles waiting to find out the “whodunnit!”
The audience – We had a really fun audience with people who truly got into their roles, which I thought was pretty awesome for those who had the roles sprung on them right before the show got started.
The fun – Oh, goodness, I laughed my way through the entire night! It was just such a fun show that entertained me from beginning to end.

But you can’t have the good without the bad, so here are some of my negatives:

The food was subpar – This is probably not the fault of the company itself, but rather the theater. I just wasn’t very impressed with my meal! I was expecting a good dinner, but instead, I left the event a little hungry.
There wasn’t a clear beginning – I found the first 15 minutes of the show to be confusing because there wasn’t a clear beginning. Instead, five or six people descended upon our table and began asking us questions that we didn’t know the answer to. I would have preferred to know that the show was starting with an introduction.
I’m not sure about the price tag – General admission to the show is $60 per person, which is a little pricey for a date night, as this doesn’t include drinks at the show (anything other than water is going to cost you). Thankfully, this company runs Groupon deals all the time, in which you can get tickets for more than half-price.

The Murder Mystery Company in Tampa hosts both public and private events, so whether you want a fancy date night out that includes lots of laughs or want to organize a small event for a group of friends, they can help you! And right now, for a limited time, you can get 50% off early access tickets when you use the promo code “mysterytampa” at checkout.

Have you ever gone to a murder mystery show?