Stephany Writes

Categories: Life

Monthly Recap | September 2018

It’s October! It’s the last quarter of 2018! What even happened to this year? No matter – we’re entering my favorite time of the year, so I am ready for all these next few months have to bring. Give me pumpkin-scented candles, cooler weather, peppermint mochas, and the holiday season. I am ready.

Here’s what September looked like in my world:

Books

I read 10 books in September, bringing my yearly total to 103. So, I already met my reading goal for the year! That’s cool. I’m not going to change my reading goal; just going to keep trucking along and see how many more books I can read before 2018 is over.

I loved Sleigh Bells in the Snow, which was just a really sweet and fun contemporary romance. I listened to A Million Junes on audiobook and it was fantastic. I’m not one of magical realism, but it worked for this novel. Our book club pick for September was Red Clocks and I was not a fan. I listened to The Meaning of Michelle on audiobook and loved it so much. Taking Fire was an okay romantic suspense novel, but had my least favorite romance trope, ugh. I read Persuasion to fulfill my goal of reading four classic novels this year and decided that Jane Austen is not for me. Come as You Are was life-changing and made me feel a lot more normal about sex. I think it is a must-read for any woman. I finished up the Never, Never trilogy by reading part three and didn’t like the twist. Meh. Mr. Strange Beard was one of Penny Reid’s best and I had so much fun reading that novel. Fear by Bob Woodward was so fascinating and I listened to it on audiobook, which I think made the reading experience better for me. (Not sure if I would have made it through a print book!)

Movies

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society (★★★☆☆) – A sweet movie, based on the book of the same name. I read the book and liked it, especially considering it gave us a different perspective on WWII. The movie was sweet and lovely and something most people would enjoy. It didn’t wow me in any way and probably wouldn’t watch it again, but I’m glad I gave it a watch.

The Hangover (★★★★☆) – Can you believe I’ve never seen this movie? Thankfully, I finally remedied that this month and watched it. It was hilarious and fun and ridiculous, and pretty much what I expected from a movie like this. I’m definitely going to check out the sequels in the coming months!

The Big Sick (★★★☆☆) – I put up a poll on Instagram one Saturday, asking people to vote between The Big Sick or Trainwreck. I had a few people express a very strong dislike for Trainwreck, so thankfully, The Big Sick won! I enjoyed this movie, but some of the plot was hard to believe, even though I know the movie was loosely based on real-life events. (For example, if your best friend is sick in the hospital, why would you call her ex-boyfriend with whom she had a super nasty breakup to come stay with her? <– That may be spoiler-y.) Even still, it was a heartwarming movie and I loved all of the stand-up comedy, and I’d highly recommend it! (Just be aware, it’s very F-bomb heavy!)

Podcasts

I laughed my way through Ike Barinholtz’s episode on Armchair Expert, falling in love with him even more than I already was. Dax and Ike did so many impressions throughout the episode, and that’s the easiest way to make me laugh.

Call Your Girlfriend’s episode on white fragility is a must-listen for white people. Unfortunately, I think the people who need to listen to this episode the most probably won’t.

Criminal had a really interesting episode featuring trauma surgeons, and how they deal with gunshot victims both from a medical perspective and a personal one.

I’m so happy that Serial is back! There is nothing like Sarah Koenig in my ears again. Season three explores the law and court system by spending a year inside a Cleveland courthouse. I’ve listened to the first two episodes and they were pretty damn fantastic. I don’t think this season will be as all-consuming as season one (where I had to listen to the episodes immediately and spend all my time on Reddit forums), but I do think it will be much, much better than season two.

Posts

This month, I blogged about my ideal evening routine and you better believe I am spending October trying to make that ideal routine more of an everyday reality.

I also talked about my reading routines, showing how I make time for reading on a daily basis. This post seemed to encourage more people to give reading in bits and pieces (i.e., under 15 minutes) a try. Do it, do it.

Based on a question posed on my Instagram, I offered some advice on how to choose books to read, from making a monthly TBR to cultivating a reading syllabus.

Highlights

> September kicked off with a fun walk with Chip and my mom. We went to a nearby park that has a great (mostly shaded) two-mile trail. Chip had the best time and got a lot of his puppy energy out. Afterwards, we went to Starbucks for a quick breakfast and Chip had his first taste of whipped cream. (He’s a big fan.)

> My mom, my brother, my older nephew, and I did a fun bike tour in Safety Harbor. We all rode together in a surrey bike, although we all found the biking to be really difficult! We’ve done a surrey ride before, in downtown St. Pete, and don’t remember it being so physical. Whew! We went out for breakfast after the bike ride and it was a really fun afternoon!

> I had my first massage in almost a year in early September because I had been experiencing some lower back pain. The massage was fine, but the masseuse talked way too much and made the experience a little aggravating. Ugh.

> I started therapy! Finally! It’s going well so far. I’m not ready to say she’s “the one” as my therapist, but she could be. I’ve scheduled appointments with her every other week through November, so I think I’ll reassess after then. I will say that it’s been a much more positive experience than my previous therapist, as she’s great at asking questions that help me to open up. I always leave her office feeling a bit more hopeful about my life.

> I got my second tattoo, this one in remembrance of Dutch. I always knew I was going to get a dachshund tattoo for him and I am so, so happy with the way it turned out. It’s even better than I expected! I went to the same tattoo artist who did my book tattoo last year because I had such a positive experience with him, and yet again, he didn’t let me down.

> I tried to enjoy myself during a girls’ night out in Tampa on a Wednesday evening, but anxiety got the best of me. Sigh. There were a few days of recovering from being in such a high-anxiety state afterward.

> My brother turned 32 and my nephew turned 10 this month! We celebrated my nephew’s birthday at an indoor trampoline park.

> Book club at Capital Tacos was an unexpectedly emotional night. I’m glad we all have each other and the support I get from these ladies is undeniable.

> Near the end of the month, I started having this weird eye pain/pressure/fatigue… I’m not really sure what to call it. My eyes just felt tired, as if just keeping my eyes open took all of my strength. I was also getting dizzy, so I scheduled an appointment with my eye doctor and had them dilate my eyes to make sure there wasn’t anything crazy going on. Good news is, I don’t have a crazy eye disease! The bad news is, I don’t know what was causing the eye issues. My eye doc said my eyes appeared a little dry, so he sent me home with a sample of eye drops and I used the drops a few times after that appointment, and my eyes are fine now. I’m really not sure if it was the eye drops that helped, but whatever works.

> I went to my local animal shelter to look at the kittens, and it solidified my decision to adopt kittens. I’m still feeling a little weird that I’m not going to have a dog in my home for the foreseeable future, but I also know my home will be just as sweet and happy with cats as it would be with a dog.

Tell me a highlight of yours from September!

Categories: Life

My Ideal Evening Routine

 

A few weeks ago, Kate wrote a post about her nighttime routine and I really loved it. So much so that I’ve been thinking about my own nighttime routine and what an ideal evening would look like for me. (Figuring out my nighttime routine was even a goal for me this month!) Most evenings, I come straight home after work and, even though I have a full four hours to myself before my pre-determined “bedtime,” I feel like I never have enough time to get everything I want done. So, I took some time to plan out what my ideal evening would look like and I thought I would share it:

5:30 PM – 6:00 PM: Arrive home and decompress

I have a fairly easy commute home on a daily basis, and usually get home right around 5:30. The most cost-effective and enjoyable way to commute is by using an electric bike like these from Wisper click here. If you also want to own one, then you may head to your nearest electric bike stores.  I really, really love coming home, throwing my stuff on the counter, and then lying on my bed for a few minutes, scrolling through Instagram or reading. After a full day in the office and navigating traffic on my way home, I just want to turn off my brain for a little while.

6:00 PM – 7:00 PM: Make and eat dinner while watching a TV show

After some time to decompress, it’s time to make an easy dinner. Typically, this is some sort of chicken recipe like healthy baked chicken nuggets or something similar. I’ll add a veggie (like corn or green peas) and call it a meal. Sometimes I’ll try other recipes like trout amandine. I will usually listen to a podcast while I’m putting dinner together and then throw on a TV show to watch while I’m eating said dinner.

7:00 PM – 7:30 PM: Work on my blog

I’m always working on something for my blog on weeknights, but usually, it entails furiously putting together a post the night before (um, like tonight). So, this is where the “ideal” part of my evening routine comes in because I never really set aside specific time to work on my blog. Somehow, I still manage to get 2 to 3 blog posts published a week, but only because I live and die by my content calendar. Anyway, I’d really love to set aside 30 minutes every evening to work on my blog, whether that’s getting ahead on posts or getting a post ready to be published in the morning.

7:30 PM – 8:00 PM: Clean up the kitchen and pack my lunch

I cannot go to bed with a messy kitchen, so I will always spend some time hand-washing my dishes and clearing off countertops so my place is tidy when I go to bed. Once the kitchen is cleaned, I’ll pack my lunch so that it’s ready to grab and go in the morning. I’ve fallen into a habit of packing my lunch in the morning, which I never really have time for, so I need to get back into the habit of doing this the night before.

This is also when I’ll either prep my coffeepot to brew a fresh pot in the morning or make sure I have enough coffee chilling in my fridge to fill up my Tervis. Iced coffee is one of my favorite things, so if I’m running low on chilled coffee, I’ll brew a full 12-cup pot and pour it into my pitcher to chill overnight. (And before you tell me all about cold brew coffee, I know. I have yet to find a brand that I prefer to my regular chilled coffee, and cold brew is more expensive, too.) To find good deals on kratom, simply search for kratom sales near me online for convenient and affordable options. Those who would like to buy kratom in canada may visit the website of Kratom Active.

8:00 PM – 8:30 PM: Take a bubble bath

Taking a bubble bath is a nightly tradition for me. I live for them. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that gets me through my day. I’ll read my book while I’m soaking, and yes, that means I bring library books and my Kindle into the bath with me. Don’t worry – I’m a professional.

8:30 PM – 8:45 PM: Wash my face and brush my teeth

Once my bubble bath is done and I’m all fresh and clean and in my pajamas, I need to brush my teeth and wash my face. I’ll admit: I am really bad at doing this every night. It’s just annoying to do, and by this time, I’m tired and just want to crawl into bed. But I need to make more of an effort because dental hygiene is important, and I regularly visit the dentist near me to take good care of my teeth! Seeing a dentist like the ones from Hershman Group twice a year can help prevent dental problems. You can also trust your smile to the best Ashburn dentist near me. And I wear makeup on a daily basis, so my face really needs a deep cleanse to get off all the dirt and makeup and grime and ugh, faces are so gross when you think of it that way. (I always use a makeup wipe to take off the top layer of my makeup, but it never gets my face as clean as it should be.) Anyway, this is also where the “ideal” part of my evening routine comes in. I really need to cleanse, tone, and moisturize my face every night.

8:45 PM – 9:30 PM: Read until I’m tired

Once all the evening tasks have been completed, I get to read! I’ll usually bring my phone to bed with me and take breaks every so often to scroll through a few Instagram Stories, which I know I “shouldn’t” do, but alas, I am weak. I’ll read until I’m tired or until 9:30 rolls around, whichever comes first.

So there you have it! My ideal evening routine. Maybe I’ll check back in a few months to report if I’m living my ideal evening life. 🙂

What do your evenings look like – chaotic or relaxing?

Categories: Life

Monthly Recap | August 2018

Happy Friday, friends! And happy September. It’s hard to believe it’s time for pumpkin spice lattes and fall decor. Florida doesn’t really get the “fall” memo, so it’s going to be hot and humid here for another few months, but I’ll try to ring in fall with as many pumpkin-scented and -flavored things as I can.

I continue to play around with my monthly recaps, and maybe this one will be here to stay for a while. Who knows, though. I sure don’t. I feel like my mood changes from season to season. This one, however, recaps the books I read, movies I watched, podcast episodes I enjoyed, and other highlights from my month.

Books

I read 11 books in August, which puts me at 93 books read for the year. So, yeah, I think I am going to well surpass my goal for reading 100 books this year. I don’t think I’ll be able to read 150, but I’ll definitely come close.

I really liked The Woman in Cabin 10, which I read for my work book club. I found the narrator to be incredibly annoying, but the mystery itself was well-paced. I read Never, Never (parts 1 and 2) this month, and while I was blown away by part 1, part 2 left a lot to be desired. Hillbilly Elegy is a book people have strong feelings about (usually negatively), but I gave it 5 stars and thought it was well-written and really helped me come to terms with my own upbringing. Wicked and the Wallflower is Sarah MacLean’s latest historical romance, which I really enjoyed, although I wouldn’t have minded if it was 50-75 pages shorter. Tears We Cannot Stop is a book I had on my “immediate TBR” list (I read two books a month off this list) and it’s a book every white person should read. You cannot stick your head in the sand anymore. Ninja at First Sight was a romance novella that was pretty silly and poorly written. Penny Reid is such a hit-or-miss author for me! I listened to You’ll Grow Out of It on audio and really enjoyed it! I feel like I could be really great friends with Jessi Klein. A Princess in Theory was a fun romance that I think just about anyone could enjoy. I finally read Beartown this month and while it took me nearly two weeks to read, it’s a book I can’t stop thinking about and I’m so glad I finally read. It’s definitely going on my favorites list this year, no doubt. And I finished out the month with Love and Other Words, which is my second Christina Lauren romance but definitely didn’t wow me in the least. The writing was good, but the plot was not.

Movies

Crazy Rich Asians (★★★★★) – I found this movie to be the perfect companion to the book, and I think I actually prefer the movie adaptation to the book. I wasn’t a huge fan of the book, mostly because it was very long and filled with a lot of uninteresting details, but the movie was everything. I had an intense emotional hangover after watching the movie, and just immediately wanted to rewatch it the moment I finished it. Constance Wu and Henry Golding were the perfect Rachel and Nick!

The Spy Who Dumped Me (★★★★☆) – This movie was so funny! I didn’t expect it to be nearly as funny as it was (I thought it would be more stupid-funny, but it was smart-funny). Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon were perfect in their roles. I also just loved the emphasis on strong female friendship and wanting the best for your friends no matter what. We need more movies like this!

Podcasts

I loved the Lecrae episode of Good Christian Fun, as the hosts and guest had a really interesting discussion about racism and segregation in the church.

Jon M. Chu, who directed Crazy Rich Asians was on the Keep It podcast to talk about diversity in the filming industry and what it felt like to direct this movie. A must listen!

I fangirled hard when I listened to Jon Lovett interview Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Pod Save America. She is so eloquent and brilliant and the change America needs today. (And yes, I’m now fangirling over politicians. This is the me.)

Seth Rogan’s episode of Armchair Expert was much more interesting than I expected. Seth is an open marijuana user and didn’t have any shyness about talking about how he uses marijuana and how it helps him both personally and creatively. I’ve never used drugs of any kind, nor do I wish to, but I found the conversation enlightening and helpful in moving forward the dialogue of legalizing marijuana.

Highlights

> I had a bagel from Einstein Bros for the first time and was blown away by their everything bagel. Every Friday is “Bagel Friday” at my work and we usually get Panera, but they decided to switch it up and order Einstein’s and I’m a convert. I don’t want to eat any other kind of bagels ever again.

> I went to a dear friend’s bridal shower in early August and left with a fun gift after winning the “how well do you know the bride and groom” game. It helps that I lived with the bride-to-be for a year!

> My work now has a snack bar! This is good and bad news. Good because now I can pop into the break room for a sweet treat when I hit the 2pm lull. Bad because now I want donuts for breakfast every morning.

> I had a taco date with some girlfriends, in which we ordered a large guacamole, queso, and chips. We killed the guac and queso, no problem.

> My salon gave me a complimentary blowout when I went to get my hair colored. Usually, I just leave the salon with wet hair when I only get the color touched up, so this was a nice surprise!

> I spent an afternoon with my friend M. binging on season one of Nailed It. Have you seen this show? It’s hilarious and a must-watch, in my opinion. We picked up a dozen vegan cupcakes to eat while watching the show, and I learned that four cupcakes is about my limit for one afternoon.

> This month, we held book club at a friend’s new house! We had a potluck-style lunch and then floated around in her pool for awhile. We had perfect weather and it was such a fun afternoon with my favorite ladies.

> I went to see Crazy Rich Asians with a group of coworkers at the fancy Cinebistro movie theater. You guys. It was a $50 date for myself between the ticket and the dinner itself (which didn’t include an alcoholic drink). Whew… I’m an expensive date!

> My mom started an Instagram account for Chip, and you should really give him a follow. I’m posting to it often – usually, in the form of Instagram Stories. It’s been fun, and Chip already has more followers than my mom, ha.

> For the first time ever, I voted in a midterm primary! And for the first time ever, I completed a mail-in ballot. I tried to make informed decisions about who to vote for, and I was seriously excited when Andrew Gillum won the Democratic nomination for Governor. Now we just have to get him to beat Ron DeSantis who is, yes, the one with that crazy Trump ad that looks like an SNL parody. I may have to move out of Florida if he wins.

Categories: Life

Why I Don’t Want to Work for Myself

I’ve been a blogger for about ten years now, which means I’ve been following people online for a really long time. It also means I’ve watched person after person quit their full-time job to work for themselves. It’s always touted as the “ideal” scenario because why would anyone want to work for a boss, have their schedule dictated by someone else, do work other people tell them to do? Isn’t being able to quit your job to work for yourself the ultimate freedom, the ultimate goal?

For me, the answer is an emphatic no.

I had what is called a quarter-life crisis in my mid-twenties when I was working at an unfulfilling job and feeling completely lost and confused about what I wanted from my career. I had never been particularly career-minded, never one to dream about rising through the ranks at a corporation or getting that corner office. I never had aspirations for management. I just wanted to do work that felt fulfilling, something where my skills could shine.

And yet, as a painfully shy, socially anxious person, I was terrified of every little thing when it came to work. I was scared of messing up, of taking initiative, of speaking up in meetings. I didn’t really know what my skills even were, much less what position they would shine in.

That was around the time when it felt like everyone was starting online businesses. There were podcasts devoted solely to “solopreneurship” and “building a brand.” It seemed like the only way to enjoy your life was to have your own online business. There were life coaches and web designers and bloggers. They were shouting from the rooftops how freeing it is to own your own business, to not “work for the man,” to have your own schedule.

And it started to feel a little condescending.

Because, truly, what is so wrong about working for someone else? Why can you only love your life when you’re working for yourself?

I called bullshit on that real quick.

I knew the answer to finding fulfillment in my life wasn’t by quitting my job and starting my own business. It was by finding things that made me happy outside of work (exercise, reading, joining a book club, travel) and getting really serious about finding a new job. I still wasn’t sure what skills I had or what kind of job I wanted. All I knew was that my degree was in communications, I had some marketing experience, and I loved to write.

And that’s when it happened.

I found it. The job that fulfills me. The job that doesn’t give me Sunday Scaries. The job that doesn’t define who I am by any means, but just makes me feel good.

This week, I’m celebrating five years at this company and I really cannot believe it’s been half a decade. When I started in this position, I was so scared. It took me two-and-a-half days to even approach the break room! It took me a week to talk to a coworker who wasn’t my boss. It took me over a year to find a friend. But from the minute I started, I knew I was at the right place. Five years later, I still feel that way. I still love what I do.

I still love to “work for the man.”

However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about what it would mean to work for myself. I have. I’ve thought about being a full-time freelance writer, working on projects I sought out myself. I know it would take a while to get there. I’d have to spend months, or maybe even years, writing in the nooks and crannies of my life. Early mornings, lunch breaks, evenings, weekends. I’d have to hustle hard and throw my entire self into the work.

Man, does that sound exhausting.

Perhaps fulfilling in some way. And, I can’t lie, the extra money would be rull nice. But mostly exhausting.

There’d be no time for myself. No time for reading. No time for exercise. No time for friends. No time for naps. (I’d really miss napping.)

It’s not worth it for me. That side hustle life is not for me.

Right now, I have one single freelance client. She sends me work when she needs it. Sometimes, that means I’m spending every weekend writing. Sometimes, that means I go months without hearing a peep from her. It’s the ideal scenario.

And there are major benefits to being employed by a company. Health insurance, for one. Taxes, for another. Knowing that my job is steady and I will get a paycheck for the same amount of money every other week. Meeting new people, having a reason to take a shower and get dressed every day. Not having to worry about work coming in – I just take what’s given to me and do it with a smile. I’m challenged in ways that fulfill me, not in ways that stress me out.

So, I take your “working for yourself is so freeing” and raise you a “so is working for someone else.” I don’t think working for yourself is any more freeing than working at a job that fulfills you. I think they both offer their own levels of freedom and autonomy. It’s all about how you choose to view it.

Categories: Life

Hillbilly Elegy & Adverse Childhood Experiences

I finished Hillbilly Elegy over the weekend, and it was a book I was prepared to dislike. I’d read a lot of reviews from people who read the book soon after the 2016 election and were disappointed that the book didn’t offer a real answer to the results of that election. Or that they were expecting more of a social commentary on the state of working-class Middle America.

But that’s not what Hillbilly Elegy is about. Instead, it’s a memoir. It’s one person’s experience growing up poor in Middle America, and escaping that life to become Ivy League educated and living comfortably in the middle class.

And while I can’t say I agreed with everything J.D. Vance had to say, especially when it comes to his politics, there was a whole lot I could relate to. Because you see, J.D. and I had very similar upbringings.

Like him, I grew up poor. My father was in and out of jail my entire life, due to his drug addiction, anger problems, and gambling addiction. My mom did the best she could to reduce his jail time by working with a Galveston drug manufacturing defense lawyer. She tried her best to give my brother and me a good life. She never had a bad word to say against my father, even when he was skipping out on child support and leaving threatening messages on our answering machine.

It was because of my father that we were poor. With his contribution, we could have done fine as a family. Maybe not at a level where we were going on lavish vacations or had a college savings fund, but our bills would have been paid and we wouldn’t have been evicted from multiple apartments. But instead, my father chose to gamble away his paycheck. And when that was gone, he’d pawn off our belongings (including my mom’s wedding ring, which he then blamed her for losing) or force my mom to give him part of her paycheck.

In Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. has a different experience as he had a revolving door of stepfathers and a mother who had a drug problem. His only saving grace was his grandparents, who made sure he attended school, studied hard, and made something of himself. It was because of them that he was able to escape the cycle of poverty and abuse, just like it was my mom who made sure I did the same.

She left my father because she didn’t want me growing up thinking the way my father treated her was the way men treat women. She didn’t want me to think that it was okay for a man to yell at you, demean you, call you names. She wanted more for me. And, because of that, I want more for myself when it comes to my relationships and I’m not settling until I get it.

In the book, J.D. talks about a concept called Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs. He writes: “ACEs are traumatic childhood events, and their consequences reach far into adulthood … Children with multiple ACEs are more likely to struggle with anxiety and depression, to suffer from heart disease and obesity, and to contract certain types of cancers. They’re also more likely to underperform in school and suffer from relationship instability as adults. Even excessive shouting can damage a kid’s sense of security and contribute to mental health and behavioral issues down the road.”

J.D. and his sister Lindsay scored a six on their ACEs test. J.D.’s aunt scored a seven. Those without traumatic childhoods often score a zero, as is the case of J.D.’s aunt’s husband, who grew up in a normal home environment. I took the test myself. It’s 10 questions and you just answer yes or no to the questions. My ACE score was a six.

It wasn’t totally surprising to see that number staring back at me after I took the test. I knew my childhood was a rough one. There was domestic abuse, screaming matches, times when I curled into a ball under my bed with a pillow over my ears to drown out the fighting. There was a father who never gave me the love and attention I desperately craved. There was divorce and food stamps and never feeling like there was enough money. There was depression and insomnia and anxiety. That was my childhood.

It reverberates to this day, as I still get uncomfortable if my mom hassles my stepdad about something. My stepdad has never once raised his voice or his hand to my mom (or to anyone, I’m sure) and has the most low-key disposition of anyone I know, and I’m still worried that one wrong word from my mom, and he’s about to go off on her.

It’s also why I just find it easier not to date because I’m just too worried about becoming the woman my mom never wanted me to be. The woman who acquiesces to her husband’s demands and doesn’t let her opinion known. I’ve seen myself doing that in relationships, and it manifested itself greatly in the only successful relationship I’ve ever had. I let him walk right the fuck over me, saying yes to things I wasn’t comfortable with and giving up all of my free time to be with him because that’s what he wanted. Never mind what I wanted. Never mind that we never did what I wanted to do. (Which isn’t totally on him – it’s also on me for not feeling like I could voice my opinion. Because if I did, I would lose him. And I desperately didn’t want to lose him.)

And that brings me to this quote from the book, which resonated with me greatly: “For kids like me, the part of the brain that deals with stress and conflict is always activated – the switch flipped indefinitely. We are constantly ready to fight or flee … We become hardwired for conflict. And that wiring remains, even when there’s no more conflict to be had.”

I’m a very non-confrontational person, and I am this way because I’m constantly worried that the people I love are going to leave me. It’s hard for me to express a dissenting opinion because I don’t want someone to realize that this is the reason we should not be friends anymore. I’ve spent my whole life making sure everyone around me is happy and satisfied, that their needs are always being met. Because what my childhood taught me is that conflict is always on the horizon. One wrong word to my dad, one small slip-up, and he was enraged and all of his anger was taken out on me. So, it makes sense that I just eliminate conflict altogether, hence the way I’ve acted in my romantic relationships. But in doing so, I’ve forgotten that my needs also matter. That it’s okay to have a different opinion. That the beauty of a relationship isn’t everyone loving the same things in the same way, but us coming together with different opinions, likes, and dislikes. It’s a daily battle of recognizing that conflict isn’t always bad and that it doesn’t always cause people to jump off the deep end into anger.

When I think about my childhood, my ACE score, and the way the deck was completely stacked against me, I can’t help but feel so damn proud of myself. Sure, I’ve got some stuff to work out and it’s why I’m seeking therapy so that I can learn how to get past my childhood trauma and actually be able to function in a healthy relationship, but all in all, I’m not doing half bad. I have a great, steady, well-paying job. I have my own apartment. I am financially independent. I took care of a dog in the last years of his life and did a damn good job at it. I have friends and an active social life. I have a brother who has stuck by my side throughout everything and even stood up for me to my father time and again. He’s shown me what a true man looks like.

And I have my mom. Every kid with a traumatic childhood has to have someone watching out for them, and I am so grateful that she was that person for me. She got us out of a volatile home environment and into one filled with love and happiness and hope. She dated one man from the time she left my father to the time she started online dating in my mid-twenties – because to her, it was important that she gave her full attention to us and kept us happy and healthy. (But, boy, sometimes I wish she had met Robert much earlier!) My childhood wasn’t ideal, that’s for sure, but I got through it, and I got through it because of my mom’s deep love and persistent expectations for me.