Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

On My 30th Birthday

Today, I’m 30.

I’m celebrating by taking a day off work. My plans for today include sleeping in and lazing around in the morning, reading my book. In the afternoon, I’m going to take myself out to lunch and then pamper myself with a massage and pedicure. After that, I’ll probably stop at Starbucks for a peppermint mocha and some reading time in one of their cozy chairs. And this evening, my family is taking me out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. All in all, it’s a day of treating myself and I couldn’t be happier about it.

I have a lot to say about turning thirty. First, I want to talk about how excited I am to be in my thirties. Everyone I know tells me that their thirties have been so much better than their twenties, and I believe it. For me, my twenties were a period of intense soul-searching and anxiety. There’s college and that first post-college job and making friends and trying to decide what exactly you want from life while still feeling like a kid.

At thirty, I don’t feel like a kid anymore. I don’t feel like a complete mess. I feel like a grown woman who has her shit together and knows exactly what she wants from her life. There is something so empowering and freeing in that statement. It means I have this incredible opportunity to shape my life exactly the way I want it to look.

My twenties were a turbulent period. I spent a lot of time being ashamed of myself. Ashamed of my shyness and introversion and inability to live on my own and codependency on my mom and financial instability and chronically single status and weight and sensitivity. But over the years, as I have grown into myself, I have accepted that these are simply parts of my story. My shyness, introversion, and high sensitivity are not character flaws, but some of my biggest strengths and they allow me to relate to people on a much deeper level. My inability to live on my own and codependency on my mom are things I grew out of, as I now live alone very successfully and find my mom leaning on me as much as I lean on her. I’ve become financially stable over the years, though I’m still not exactly where I want to be, but that’s okay. I’ll get there. And being chronically single? There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being alone if you are happy being alone. And I am. I go on dates and I put myself out there as much as I want to, but it’s a very low-pressure side of my life. I go on dates because I want to, not because I need to or because I feel like something is missing from my life.

Thirty doesn’t exactly look the way I thought it would look, especially as society told me over and over again that I was supposed to be married in my twenties and at least have a kid by now. This message is especially told to you when you grow up in church, where it felt like every sermon given in youth group was about saving yourself for marriage and waiting for your future spouse. But I honestly cannot imagine being married or having kids right now. I don’t think I was ready for either of those things in my twenties. And so I can’t be upset that I’m turning thirty, single and childless. Those things aren’t meant for me right now, and that’s okay.

If my twenties were my decade of self-discovery and coming into my own, then I want my thirties to be about settling into myself and not letting fear dictate my decisions. I want to put myself out there in fuller, richer, deeper ways. I want to ask for what I want in my romantic relationships. I want to finish that novel and publish it… and maybe publish a handful more after that one. I want to deepen my friendships, travel more, feel more financially stable. I want to have retirement savings and emergency savings and no debt. I want to read as much as I possibly can because reading is my happy place. I want more massages and pedicures and long walks in the sunshine by myself. I want solo travel and solo adventures. I want to find real, true, lasting love with someone who understands me and makes me laugh and can handle all of my anxieties and quirks. I want to have a baby, a little person who is a part of me. I want to get more tattoos, adopt more dogs, fill up my house with books.

And I want to never forget how I felt on this day – November 28, 2017 – when I turned thirty.

Today, I feel happy and whole and satisfied. I feel confident in who I am and what I want. I feel content with my life and the way it looks right now. This is exactly where I’m meant to be.

I believe in the Law of Attraction and that if I put good out into the world, good will come back to me. I believe that no is a full sentence. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in the power of a good belly laugh. I believe that I am a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister. I believe that I am the best dog-mom for my old, blind, dementia dog. I believe that I have a gift for writing and I want to use that gift to the best of my ability. I believe in naps, in reading romance novels, in retail therapy. I believe in myself and my power.

I want to be clear – I’m not head over heels about everything in my life. There is a lot I need to improve on. I’m overweight and really unhappy when I look in the mirror. I have generalized anxiety, which means that every few months I go into a tailspin where I think everyone hates me and I need to delete my blog and never come out of my home again. I have trouble believing in my worth as a romantic partner, especially the hangups I have regarding sex. I spend too much money on things I don’t really need and I’m terrible at saving. I can be too sarcastic and too competitive and too sensitive at times.

We’re all works in progress, though. That’s the beauty of living. It’s messy and complicated, but even in the midst of it, we can find the beauty in it. And maybe that’s the lesson I learned most from my twenties: we’re never completely finished, but we can find peace in who we are, even when there’s more we want to do.

So, here’s to my thirties. I have a feeling they are going to be one amazing ride.

Categories: About Me

Why I Don’t Want to Be a Book Blogger

Book blogging would make sense. I love to read and I love to talk about reading, so what would be better than blogging about it?

And yet, I’ve never seriously considered book blogging. And I think I know why: I don’t want reading to become a chore.

Reading started to feel like a chore earlier this year. At the time, I was involved in three book clubs and had also accepted a number of book review requests on this blog. At one point, I was reading three books at a time to try and get them done before the book club meeting or blogging deadline.

It made me realize what a chore reading had become. I wasn’t reading the books I wanted to read, I was reading the books others told me to read.

I don’t want to disparage book bloggers. I follow a number of book bloggers and I enjoy reading their reviews and watching their Instagram Stories (book bloggers do the best Instagram Stories!) I think it’s great that we have people who are so passionate about reading that they start blogs designed entirely around their passion.

But it’s not for me.

I don’t want my reading to be limited to the next new release that I need to get my hands on. I rarely read new releases as it is – only 19% of the books I’ve read so far this year were published in 2017. I have over 800 books on my Goodreads TBR list that I want to read, and while a good number of those books are new releases, there are more backlist titles than not. If my reading becomes centered around new releases, or books other people are pushing into my hands to review, I’m never going to get around to those backlist titles that I want to read.

I’ve done a few reading challenges in the past few years, the most notable one being the Book Riot Read Harder Challenge that I completed in 2015. It was a fun experiment and I got to read a ton of books that have been on my TBR for a while, but I’ve just never gotten around to. But it also made reading feel like a chore. I felt like the books at the top of my personal TBR kept getting shoved further and further down the list (and forget about reading romance; 2015 was the year I read the least amount of romance in my entire life and that’s never a good thing!) It made me remember that reading doesn’t need to be a chore. It is a fun passion of mine and it’s okay if reading challenges don’t fulfill me like they do for others.

I just want reading to be a fun escape. I don’t want to put parameters on it. I don’t want to feel like I have to read a certain book because I have to write a review about it on my blog. (And, also, I want to have the freedom to abandon books that don’t fulfill me, which I can’t exactly do with books I’ve requested to review.) This is why I’ve stopped accepting review requests from authors and publishers who email me. I appreciate that they reach out to me and as an aspiring writer myself, I want to support them in this way, but it’s just not the right move for me. I’m still reviewing books for TLC Book Tours, but I’ve slowed way down on the number of books I ask for. I used to ask for one per month and now I’m only doing one per quarter, and it feels so much better this way.

There’s also the fact that I want my blog to be a place where I can write about anything. I haven’t limited myself to any niche, but have the freedom to talk about whatever I want. Whether that’s personal essays like this, features like “Currently In…” and “TGIF,” or vulnerable topics that have been on my mind, I love this blog being a place where I can talk about my life. I would probably be able to grow my blog’s following a lot quicker if I switched over to book blogging, but that’s not what I want from blogging.

So, while I’m happy for the book bloggers out there who are doing their thing and introducing us to new books, I’m happy to take a backseat to that and let my blog be my space and my reading life be mine and mine alone.

Categories: About Me

One Year of Living Alone

It’s been a little over a year since I moved into my apartment with the help of a good moving company Utah, my first place living completely on my own.

I was both nervous and excited about living alone. I was grateful that I was able to find an apartment within my budget because the last thing I wanted to do was find a roommate. I worried about getting lonely, feeling unsafe, and paying all the bills on my own. But I was thrilled about having a space entirely my own, not having to worry about working around another roommate’s quirks, and walking around my apartment sans pants whenever I wanted.

I didn’t realize how unhappy I had been living in Tampa until I moved into this little apartment in St. Petersburg, where I’m closer to my mom and my friends. Don’t get me wrong – I loved living with Roomie and I am so thankful that I got to spend a year being her roommate, but Tampa is not where I’m meant to be. I have a lot of friends who live in Tampa and love it, but it’s not for me. I’m glad I tried it out, but I’m even more glad to be a St. Petersburg resident once again.

I’m a homebody and a bit of a hermit, so I really enjoy having a space I don’t have to share. I actually enjoy coming home to a quiet and empty apartment; it brings me so much pleasure. I know most people hate that, but it’s soothing to me. After a day at work where I’ve been bombarded by bright lights and people and conversations and emails, it’s so comforting to come home to my apartment where I don’t have to talk to anyone. I can simply take a bubble bath, make dinner, and snuggle into bed early – alone with my thoughts, my books, and my dog. Those nights are so precious to me and I cherish them.

It helps that when I come home to my quiet apartment at the end of the day, I’m enthusiastically greeted by my dog. So, I’m not coming home to a literal empty apartment – there’s still a living being here that I have to take care of. But, thankfully, a living being that doesn’t expect more from me than walks, food, and snuggles. He’s A-OK in the silence, not needing to fill it with inane conversation or a jabbering TV in the background. It’s honestly the best of both worlds and I know it helps me to feel less alone.

I like that I can be as messy or as clean as I want to be without worrying about making a roommate annoyed at me. I’m not a naturally messy person, but sometimes the dishes stay in the sink for longer than a day or a countertop becomes a dumping ground for junk before I take the time to sort through it. It also means that I don’t have to contend with anyone else’s mess. I wouldn’t be able to handle a messy roommate, nor one who loved clutter, because both of those things give me anxiety. For the most part, my countertops are clear and my sink is free of dishes and my floors are swept and mopped frequently. One of the best parts of living alone: my mess is my mess alone and nobody else’s.

There are downsides to living alone. All the household bills are up to me, which scared me at first, but hasn’t been a problem in this last year. I’m the one responsible for killing the bugs and batting down the spider webs (thankfully, I’ve been bug-free and only have had to deal with one spider web). It can be lonely, especially if I have an entire weekend without plans. As much as I love plan-free weekends, there is such a thing as too much alone time. But the loneliness hasn’t been too difficult to deal with. I’ve managed to fill up my life with dinner dates with friends, time spent with my mom, and group classes at the gym. And I know if I am feeling lonely and craving human interaction, I can reach out to my friends and they’ll be there for me. As a single lady nearing thirty, I am oh-so-grateful for that.

Living alone isn’t everyone’s cuppa tea, but man, it has been a completely wonderful experience for me. It truly makes me happy and while I do hope this isn’t it for me – I’d like to be married and I’d like to have a family – I feel utterly thankful that I get to live alone and that I enjoy it as much as I do.

Image credit:
Patrick Perkins

Categories: About Me

My Favorite Podcasts – Round Four

Every year, I like to do a round-up of the podcasts I’m loving lately. I am a voracious consumer of podcasts, so much so that I can’t remember the last time I listened to the radio.

Living alone, having podcasts to listen to while I’m getting ready for the day, cleaning, or folding laundry allows me to feel a little less lonely. Podcasts also make my commute to work and driving around town so much more enjoyable. I live in an area that is not walkable, so I always have to hop in the car whenever I want to go somewhere, so podcasts make driving around better.

I also love just going for long walks and listening to a podcast. Sometimes, I’ll bring Dutch, but he’s getting to an age where he can’t handle long walks anymore (though, every now and then, he surprises me!), so usually, it’s just me.

I’ve been listening to podcasts for three years now and my feed is a bit out of control because of the amount of podcasts I’m subscribed to. (I’m currently about five weeks behind, eeks.) Like always, there are podcasts I’ve unsubscribed from because they weren’t engaging me anymore and podcasts I’ve recently subscribed to that have become my favorites. The ebb and flow of the podcast life!

For this podcast round-up, I’m listing nine of my favorite podcasts. These are the podcasts that light me up and excite me whenever they show up in my feed. Let’s get started!

Pod Save America

I’ve never been a political junkie, but the 2016 presidential election changed everything for me—and for a lot of Americans. But while I try to follow what’s going on in the news as closely as I can, sometimes it’s hard for me to understand some of it, especially when it comes to foreign policy and healthcare. So, I am so very grateful for Pod Save America for this reason. This podcast, which is hosted by four former Obama staffers, delves into the hot topics in the news this week and helps to sort out what it exactly means and how it affects us. And while a lot of what is going on in politics right now is frightening, the guys on this show keep things light and funny (without undermining what a serious crisis we’re in right now), which I wholly appreciate. Every episode also includes an interview with a guest, usually a senator or someone involved in politics.

Lovett or Leave It

This is another political podcast, hosted by one of the hosts of Pod Save America, Jon Lovett. Lovett is one of my new favorite people (his rants about Marco Rubio, who is sadly my senator, give me life) and I was so thrilled when he announced this new podcast. It’s a game show-style podcast where he brings on three panelists, usually comedians or journalists, to talk about what’s going on in the news. It’s meant to bring some lightheartedness to the absurdity of politics today, and I laugh my way through every episode. Some of the different segments include “What a Week,” where Jon and the panelist discuss some of the hot topics in the news, “OK Stop,” where Jon plays a video clip and they stop it at certain times to discuss what’s going on in the clip, and the “Rant Wheel,” where Jon spins a wheel filled with political and pop culture topics and he and the panelists discuss the topic it lands on.

Stuff Mom Never Told You

This is a show about women and the challenges we face in our society, hosted by Emilie and Bridget, two brand-new co-hosts. The former co-hosts (the ladies I’ve been listening to since 2014!) left the show at the end of 2016 and I thought that was the end for SMNTY, which made me really sad because SMNTY is one of my favorite podcasts that has continuously been on this round-up every year. Thankfully, SMNTY is back and better than ever. I love the new, fresh perspectives that Emilie and Bridget bring and that the episodes are around 30 minutes in length (my favorite length for a podcast!) They have already covered some incredibly interesting topics and I’m just excited to see how this show takes off from here.

Stuff You Should Know

This is probably the most informational podcast in the bunch and I’ve been listening to Josh and Chuck for so long (since 2014!) that I feel that we are good friends now. What I love most about this podcast is that I can learn about things I never knew I wanted to learn about—like how Schoolhouse Rock started and how it became such a phenomenon. I don’t listen to every episode they publish (the more science-y ones go over my head usually), but whenever a new one downloads to my feed, I always get super excited to spend a good 45 minutes to an hour learning about an engaging topic.

Book Riot

I’m a book nerd to my core and this podcast fulfills all of my bookish delights. In this show, two of the editors of the popular book website Book Riot talk about “what’s new, cool, and worth talking about in the world of books and reading.” They have really deep-level conversations about the hot topics in the book world right now, whether that’s Amazon starting brick-and-mortar bookstores, Trump blocking Stephen King on Twitter, or the Oprah Book Club. Book Riot is heavily focused on diversity in publishing, which is something a lot of bookish websites aren’t talking about, and I really appreciate the nuanced discussions they have.

What Should I Read Next?

In this completely unique podcast, Anne Bogel of Modern Mrs. Darcy fame sits down with one guest per episode to offer book recommendations based on what the guest picked as three books they loved and one book they hated. I started listening to this one from the very beginning (which was just about a year ago!) and it remains one of my most anticipated listens. Anne Bogel has really found her groove lately, seamlessly intertwining engaging interviews with book recommendations.

The Baby-Sitter’s Club Club

This is one of my newest podcast finds and it fills me with such delight every time I listen to an episode. I’m still working through their backlist (I have “048 – Mary Anne Misses Logan” queued up to listen to next!), but I can safely vouch for the brilliance of this podcast. Two thirty-something guys living in New York have teamed up to read all of the books in The Baby-Sitter’s Club series and discuss them. Their discussions are hilarious and include segments such as “Burn of the Week” and “Tearful Moment.” They also have a segment called “Tracking Jackie” that never fails to make me crack up (basically, they believe Jackie Rodowsky who is accident prone is a “time jumper,” so every time he has some sort of “accident,” this is just his way of jumping back and forth through time). Every now and then, the guys discuss a book in The Baby-Sitter’s Little Sister series and it’s startling how much I remember about that series. In any event, this podcast takes me back to my childhood where all I wanted to do was devour as many BSC books as possible.

Death, Sex & Money

Have you ever wanted to sit down with someone and have an honest conversation about the uncomfortable topics people tend to shy away from? Topics like money and how much you make and how much debt you have and how you handle your finances. Topics like drug use and death and student loans and how to deal with a breakup. Death, Sex & Money is a podcast that talks about the “things we think about a lot and need to talk about more.” It’s one of my favorite podcasts because Anna Sale is a terrific host. She has a mix of celebrities and real people sharing their real stories. The episodes are short, around 30 minutes in length, and since the majority of the podcasts I listen to are usually at least an hour, sometimes longer, I like Anna Sale’s concise format. It’s one of my must-listens.

Real Talk Radio

Nicole releases her episodes in seasons, so rather than releasing an episode a week, she releases eight every other month. One of the things I love about Nicole—she’s not afraid to do something out of the box! Another way Nicole’s podcast is unique is that she has two-hour-long conversations with her guests, so it’s not your standard 45-minute interview podcast. Nope, Nicole wants to go deeper than that. She wants to get into the heart of the matter when it comes to what it means to be human in this messy world. What it means to set goals and start a business and get married and overcome addiction. Her guests aren’t the typical ones you see making the rounds on the podcast circuit and they aren’t on the show to sell you on anything, which I so appreciate. Over the past few seasons, Nicole has cultivated an eclectic group of interview guests, usually people I’ve never heard of but who inspire me so much when I listen to their story. I love Nicole’s podcast so much that I signed up to be one of her Patreon supporters because, well, as much as I’d like to believe that creativity is free, it’s not. Nicole works damn hard at her show and providing my monetary support is just one way I can show her how much I appreciate it.

Honorable mentions: The Lively Show, The Shepod, Call Your Girlfriend, Smartest Person in the Room, and Dear Sugars.

Do you listen to any of the podcasts listed? What’s the newest podcast you’ve added to your feed?

Categories: About Me

When Your Anxiety Looks & Feels Different

It took me a long time to ask my doctor for a prescription for my anxiety.

It wasn’t necessarily that I thought being on anxiety meds was bad, but it was that I thought my anxiety wasn’t bad enough.

When people talked about their anxiety symptoms, I could sympathize but not necessarily relate.

I don’t get stressed out easily and when I am stressed out, it doesn’t make me panicky. I don’t have panic attacks every day. I’ve always been a good sleeper and I’m not a very restless person.

And yet… there were other signs. The way it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest as I drove into work, not because my job was super stressful or that I hated the work I did (just the opposite, actually!), but because I was overwhelmed at the thought of spending my next 9.5 hours in a cubicle, interacting with people.

There were all the times I woke up in the middle of the night and convinced myself that I woke up because something awful had just happened in my family, like I’m omniscient or something. And then it would take me up to an hour to fall back asleep because I was panicked about my family.

There were the meltdowns. Oh, the meltdowns. One little thing would happen and I would fall completely apart and realize everything in my life was terrible. Those were the scarier moments because they were the moments when I felt the most hopeless about my life.

There was a constant worry about every single thing that could go wrong in my life. My mom dying, my brother dying, my nephews dying. My mom getting paralyzed in a car accident, my brother crashing his truck at work, or the devastating consequences of drunk driving—all emphasize the critical need for the support of a highly skilled and efficient car accident lawyer, who can provide guidance and legal representation during such challenging times. It was a relentless cycle of anxiety, amplified by the fear of unforeseen tragedies. In the midst of this, I realized the importance of having a support system, including access to resources like a California car accident lawyer, who could provide guidance and assistance in navigating the complexities of such situations. While exploring these topics, it’s vital to emphasize the significance of expert representation in DUI cases, especially in New Jersey. A seasoned DUI lawyer brings a wealth of knowledge and experience in dealing with such complex cases. Their expertise can significantly influence the course and outcome of a legal battle. Relying on professional assistance for navigating DUI legal complexities in New Jersey is a wise decision. Something happening to Dutch. My apartment burning down because I left my straightener on. Getting fired. And on and on and on it went. Worry after worry after worry. It never stopped.

And let’s not forget the social aspect of my anxiety, though I’ve talked about that already. But it’s something that’s affected me for years and until I had a name for it, I didn’t realize it wasn’t a normal way to live.

I didn’t realize that none of this wasn’t normal. I didn’t realize that I could feel better, that I didn’t have to live in a constant state of worry and on the verge of collapse every single day.

My anxiety did not look like the anxiety I saw from other people who opened up about their struggles, so I thought that maybe because it didn’t affect my life in the same way I didn’t deserve medication. Most days I was okay! Perfectly happy, even. And then, out of the blue, everything would fall apart and I’d feel as if my world was crashing down on me and I was swimming underwater and didn’t know how to reach the air. But then I’d fight my way out of it and be okay and convince myself that I didn’t really need meds. It didn’t affect me “enough.”

Which is bullshit. The fact that it affected me a little is “enough.” The fact that I had days or weeks when I felt trapped in my own mind is “enough.”

A podcast I recently listened to put it this way: “We don’t feel as if we have to deserve antibiotics when we have an ear infection. Why would we feel we have to deserve medication when we have a mental disorder?” (I’m paraphrasing here, but that was the gist of what he said.)

In a previous post, I mentioned how life-changing it has been to be on medication for my anxiety. I feel more stable, more in control of my emotions. I feel the happiest I have felt in months. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a meltdown and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve woken up with a panic attack. I didn’t even realize how bad my anxiety was and how much I let it hold me back until I started feeling better.

This is not even the post I meant to write. I wanted to write about how my anxiety affects the way I travel (a post I still plan to write!), but this is what has come out of me instead. There’s a reason I needed to write this post, and I’m not exactly sure why. But maybe it’s because someone needs to hear these words.

So to those reading…

If your anxiety doesn’t look like the anxiety you see displayed on TV commercials or in movies, you still deserve to get help. You deserve to feel better.

If you think that being on medication for your anxiety means you’re giving up or not strong enough, that is a lie you should never believe. Seeking help is an action only a warrior can take. It’s a scary step to bring your struggle out in the open and to let someone know that you are not okay and you want to be okay. It’s not about being strong enough; it’s about a chemical imbalance in your brain and you deserve to fix that imbalance.

If you think that a doctor might blow you off when you mention your anxiety or just tell you to eat better and get more exercise, find a new doctor. I worried for a long time that a doctor wouldn’t believe me when I told her/him about what I was dealing with, so with every appointment, I never brought it up. Until one day I did and I fumbled over my words and couldn’t exactly articulate what my anxiety looked like, but this doctor looked at me with compassion and wrote me the prescription I needed. Find the doctor who will take you seriously – there’s nothing more important than that.

If you don’t think you are worthy of feeling better, as if you somehow deserve this anxiety, I want you to know that none of that is true. Nobody deserves to feel like an elephant is sitting on his or her chest or to have constant panic attacks. As a human being, you are worthy of feeling like your best self. You are worthy of getting help. You are worthy of living life at its utmost pleasure.