Stephany Writes

Categories: About Me

Some Thoughts on Anxiety, Medication, and Shame

It’s been a rocky few months when it comes to my mental illness. There was an intense depressive episode in June and then a string of high-anxiety days that had me feeling overwhelmed by my brain. More than once, I remember thinking to myself, “I cannot live like this. This is too much.”

I didn’t say that in a suicidal way, but more in an I-need-to-figure-this-out-so-I-can-live-better way. But truthfully, I didn’t know if I had it in me to figure it out. I was trying to recover from my depressive episode while also dealing with riotous anxiety-ridden thoughts, and I didn’t know what to do or where to turn to make it all stop. I was so mentally exhausted.

And then my mom said something to me that flipped the switch: “Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds.”

Light bulb. 

It was one of those moments where someone else offered the simplest suggestion to a problem, and you’re just like, “Well, yeah. Duh. Why didn’t I think of that?”

So, I made an appointment to see my doctor.

I’m always nervous to talk to my doctor about my anxiety and meds. For some reason, I worry that she’s going to think I’m lying. Or being dramatic.

That’s why I didn’t start taking anxiety meds until just recently. I just couldn’t work up my nerve to talk to my doctor. It’s hard when your illness is invisible. While I know the way I’ve been feeling isn’t normal, she doesn’t. It’s not like I can take a blood test and prove I have anxiety. Instead, I had to trust that my doctor wouldn’t be indifferent to my pain. I had to trust that I could be honest with her and she would hear me and help me come up with a solution.

Thankfully, I had nothing to worry about. My doctor listened to me, even though I stumbled over my words and couldn’t articulate all the ways my anxiety affected my life. She prescribed me a low dose of Lexapro and off I went.

Going back to the doctor to explain that the meds hadn’t been working as well as they used to was just as hard as the first time I asked for help. I was again worried that she wouldn’t hear me. Worried that she was thinking I was trying to game the system or something.

And again, my worries were unfounded because my doctor listened to me and talked to me about my options. We decided to double my dose of Lexapro.

I left the office feeling, for the first time ever, shame.

I’ve never, ever felt shame about my anxiety or needing to take medication to manage it. I understand that my brain just functions differently than those who do not experience anxiety and depression and that the medication is necessary to balance it all out.

So, this feeling of shame was a new experience. I think it stemmed from this idea that I wasn’t getting “better.” Shouldn’t I be at the point where I could drop my dosage from 10mg to 5mg… not double it? Shouldn’t my brain be fixed by now?

Obviously, I know all of these thoughts are irrational. You don’t “fix” anxiety, you learn how to manage it. Just as you cannot “fix” a chronic illness… the same is true for anxiety.

Some people are able to figure out how to manage their anxiety without meds, and perhaps one day I’ll be able to do that, but that’s not my end game. My end game is to learn how to manage my anxiety so that it doesn’t interfere with my daily life. So that it doesn’t keep me from participating in things I want to do and investing in my relationships and finishing that novel I’ve always wanted to write. And that probably means I’ll spend the rest of my life on anxiety meds. I’m A-OK with that.

The truth is, the shame of doubling my anxiety dosage disappeared after I realized how much better I feel now. I was in a really dark and miserable place for May and June and part of July. I could barely summon the energy for even the most basic tasks. Just a few weeks on this higher dosage, and I’ve found myself again. I don’t only feel more stable and in control over my emotions, but I’m actually happy. I actually feel fulfilled. I have energy again and find myself excited about life and what’s next for me.

And there’s definitely no shame in needing a higher dosage of anxiety medication to make me feel like that.

Categories: About Me

I’m An Introverted HSP Who Loves Taking Cruises

I’m not really the person you’d expect to be passionate about cruising. I’m an introvert. I’m shy. I’m reserved. I like low-key activities like reading. I’m a highly sensitive person, which means loud noises and lots of people overwhelm me.

And yet… there is no better way to vacation than a cruise, in my very humble opinion. There is nothing that makes me happier or more excited or more fulfilled than being on a cruise ship.

But I’ll also be honest: it’s not easy to cruise when you have high sensitivity. These ships and the activities on board aren’t made for people like me. They’re made for those who enjoy a loud party atmosphere and meeting new people and being outside.

But the truth is, you can be a Highly Sensitive Person and take a cruise without feeling overwhelmed at all times. It takes a little work and a lot of patience, but you can make it work. Here’s how I do it:

1) Your cabin is your safe space.

I spend a lot of time in my cabin when I’m on a cruise. I know some people don’t pay much attention to their cabin because “you’re only there to sleep!” but that is not true for us introverted HSPs who crave sanctuary and alone time. I really pay attention to the cabin, and this time around, my mom and I opted to spend a little extra to have a balcony and it was well worth the money. It was nice to be able to step outside and enjoy the fresh air and views without contending with people.

As an HSP, it’s hard for me to nap anywhere but in my room. (My mom has no problem falling asleep around a busy deck, but it’s not possible for me.) I like to spend the late afternoon hours napping in my cabin. Plus, hello, a bed is way more comfortable than a deck chair when it comes to napping. I enjoy being out and about and exploring the ship, but I also like to spend a good amount of time in my quiet cabin. It becomes my safe space where I can get away from all the busyness on the ship.

2) Opt for Your Time Dining.

On our first few cruises, my mom and I always did the seated dining option, where we were forced to be in the dining room at a specific time and always put at a huge table with strangers. Usually, there were 6-10 strangers that we would have to make small talk with for the entire dinner, and that just wasn’t fun for me. I started to realize that I got super grumpy right before dinnertime – solely because I knew it would take a lot out of me. I just wanted to enjoy my dinner, not have to talk to other people!

And then my mom and I got smart and decided to do Your Time dining. With this option, you can show up in the dining room at whatever time you want between 5:45PM-9:30PM and you can get seated at your own table. It gave us the freedom to choose when we wanted to eat and also allowed us to just enjoy dinner with the two of us. Since we’re both introverts and fairly shy, it suits our personalities the best.

3) Yes, the lido deck is very overwhelming. 

Here’s the truth: I hate the lido deck. Just walking through it on my way to something else makes me grumpy and overwhelmed. There is always so much going on between all of the people and the loud music, and it’s just not my scene. It means I don’t participate in the deck parties or even stick around to watch some of the events, like the hairy chest competition. Nope. Not for me. It gets too loud and chaotic.

The lido deck is where it’s at when it comes to cruising, but I had to recognize that my nervous system is too sensitive to handle being there when it’s the most crowded. Thankfully, I cruise with my mom and she’s also not keen on the lido deck. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to cruise with a partner or a group of friends who would want to spend the majority of their time on the lido deck. (It probably wouldn’t be a very satisfying cruise for me!)

And sure, I feel like a Debbie downer sometimes because of how much I hate the lido deck, but I’ve come to realize that my needs are way more important than trying to enjoy something that I don’t like for the sake of appearances. I know that the lido deck is too much for me, which is why I love places like the Serenity Deck that allow me to enjoy being out on the decks, but in a quieter space.

4) Choose your excursions wisely.

For me, 1-2 active excursions are my limit, but I really try to go all out on those excursions, trying new things and doing activities that I wouldn’t do in my normal, day-to-day life. On this last cruise, which was seven days and included four back-to-back stops, we did two active excursions (horseback riding and zip-lining). The other days in port were spent at an all-inclusive resort (and we were both ready to go after 4-5 hours) and just walking around.

It can be very tempting to schedule fun, exciting excursions in every port, but HSPs have to be mindful of their nervous systems. Trying new things can be overstimulating for us and being on the go with little downtime can be exhausting. I really recommend taking a good look at all the different excursions offered in each port and finding the ones that excite you the most. The rest of the time, just keep it low-key. You may not even get off the ship in one of the ports, and that’s totally fine, too!

5) Don’t be afraid to be boring.

One of the things I often tell people who are interested in cruising is that there’s really something for everyone. It’s a great vacation for extroverts who want to meet new people and stay busy, and it’s a great vacation for introverted HSPs like me who just want a low-key, relaxing time. And this is why I want to tell my fellow HSPs that it’s totally okay to be boring.

Don’t feel like checking out the nightly entertainment? You do you – play a game in the library or go back to your cabin to read.

Overwhelmed by the busyness of the lido deck? Take a seat on one of the inside benches, where you can enjoy the view of the water without the pumping music to distract you.

Too tired to deal with the thought of getting ready for dinner? Order yourself some room service and delight in being purely lazy and purely you.

You get to choose how this vacation works for you. For me, I’m not very interested in the lido deck activities or many of the onboard shows, but I love playing bingo, watching the Love & Marriage show, and seeing the PG comedy. Those are usually the only activities I make it to. Everything else… not for me. You can find me playing cards with my mom in our cabin by 9pm.

Categories: About Me

Growing Up with Christian Pop Culture

We all have something embarrassing in our pasts. All. Of. Us. Even though I like to believe that everyone else around me grew up in a charmed household, it’s simply not true. There’s always something from your past that embarrasses you or causes you to feel shame or you try to keep hidden from the rest of the world. It’s just human nature.

For me, it was the fact that I wasn’t allowed to listen to anything but Christian music throughout my childhood.

Listening to Christian music is so ingrained in me that it’s only been in the last few years that I’ve felt comfortable turning on the “secular” radio station when I’m in the car with my mom.

But Christian music is what I grew up on. Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Amy Grant, Carmen, Rachael Lampa, Stacie Orrico, Jaci Velasquez, Plus One, Audio Adrenaline, dc Talk, Newsboys… this is what I listened to. This is all we listened to in my house. (Well, excluding my father who didn’t believe in God and tried to get me to love classic rock as much as he did… but I just wasn’t into it.)

I mean, of course, once my brother and I grew a little older, we sneaked in our secular music. I was partial, as all 90s girls were, to NSYNC and Britney and Christina and Backstreet Boys, but I knew in my heart that was not the kind of music a “good Christian girl” listened to, so I tried to hide it and remember throwing away my Christian Aguilera self-titled album in front of my mom to show her what a good little Christian I was.

And it wasn’t just Christian music that I consumed, but I also tried to stay away from specific movies and TV shows. And most of the books I read from the time I was a teenager until my early twenties were Christian books. In fact, I remember how much I struggled with feelings of guilt and shame when I would pick up a Harlequin romance, scurrying to the back of the library where they kept all of those paperbacks with the purple spines and silly titles and surreptitiously picking out a few romances to read. And then secretly reading them, feeling guilty, and telling myself that I would only read Christian fiction from here on out. Until I found myself, once again, at the back of the library, looking at those naughty-to-me romances.

And so it was this part of my life that always felt vastly different from my peers, especially during middle school and high school. Those are the times in your life when you need to connect with your friends more than ever, and I always felt a little different. Even my church friends (who I was never especially close to anyway) seemed to have a better grasp on pop culture than I did. They could listen to secular music and go to concerts and do all the things the so-called normal kids were doing. Me? I was different. Life for me was different.

For me, Christian music is what I grew up on, Christian music is what I love and what brings me the most peace, and, honestly, Christian music is still my favorite genre. It feels super vulnerable to admit that and to tell the world that I just really want to jam out to Chris Tomlin or Matthew West or Tenth Avenue North when I’m in my car, not Taylor Swift or Demi Lovato or Bruno Mars. It’s not cool, you know? It wasn’t even cool when I was growing up and surrounded by my church friends. And I was obsessed with trying to be cool when I was in my teens, even though I always failed miserably.

Sometime last year, I looked at my main Spotify playlist and realized it was filled with Christian music and I started to feel weird about it. Not because I didn’t love the music, but because I didn’t know if I truly believed in the message behind the words. A few years ago, I would have never questioned the message of my favorite Christian songs, but here I am now, wondering what faith means to me and if it’s authentic to be listening to Christian music. Because even though it brings me great joy and immense peace, do I even deserve that if I’m not sure if I believe in religion anymore?

And then a podcast entered my life. Specifically Good Christian Fun. Honestly, I didn’t know how much I needed this podcast in my life. The premise of this show is that they discuss one piece of Christian pop culture with each episode, whether that be a Christian movie like Fireproof or a Christian artist like Rebecca St. James. Basically, it’s my childhood in a nutshell and it’s so gratifying to relate so well to a podcast. To feel heard. To feel understood. Additionally, every week they bring on a guest to discuss the subject matter with them, and before any discussion happens, the guest gives them their “guestimony” (guest + testimony) to talk about their faith background and where they are at with their faith today. It is these segments that have helped me to realize that struggling to come to terms with the religion I was raised in and what I believe in now is just a part of the growing-up process.

But it’s not just the guestimonies that feel so relatable, but also learning about the guest’s relationship to Christian and mainstream pop culture. One time they had a guest one who talked about how jealous she was of her friends who got to listen to secular music and go to concerts. Yes, yes, yes. I’m not the only one. It’s not just me who felt different from my peers. There are people who had the same upbringing as me, with parents (in my case, a parent) that was super strict with the type of media their children consumed and there was no questioning it.

Look, I don’t want to make my mom out to be a bad person because she wasn’t and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything just because I never went to an NSYNC concert. I’m not that much of an entitled brat. It was more of the fact that I couldn’t relate to my friends than it was of rebelling against my mom’s rules. I never really rebelled against them because I liked Christian music and books. I really did! I still enjoy Christian music and read the odd nonfiction Christian book every now and then.

And truthfully, I was so, so lucky to have a mother who cared about me so deeply that she closely monitored what I was consuming. I remember our conversations about the songs Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were singing, conversations that I remember scoffing at when I was a dumb 11-year-old, but now I can see the love and devotion in them. She wanted me to consume music that had the “right” message (which is subjective, I know), and she went to great lengths to help me understand the benefits of Christian music over pop music.

Good Christian Fun has truly been instrumental in helping me come to terms with my affinity for Christian pop culture, and especially my love for Christian music. It’s something that always used to embarrass me because I could never give a good answer to “who’s your favorite band?” and was always self-conscious about my “goody two-shoes Christian girl” answer. But there’s no use in being embarrassed about what we like, is there? So what if I enjoy Christian music more than mainstream pop? So what if I’m still trying to figure out what my faith means, even while singing along to a Chris Tomlin worship song? All that really matters is that we figure out what makes us feel good and at peace, no matter how other people may judge us for it.

Judge away. I’ll be over here dancing in my kitchen to Plus One’s debut album and laughing at all of the memories these songs bring up for me.

Categories: About Me

Reader Survey Results

At the end of last year, I put together a reader survey for you guys to fill out and I was thrilled by the response! And then my world fell apart and I promptly forgot all about it. But since I’m finally feeling a little like myself again, I thought it was time to talk about your answers and what I want this blog to be in the coming year(s).

Here are some of the stats I learned from the survey:

  • My readers are full of women. In fact, 100% of the respondents checked the “female” box when filling out my survey, which is not surprising in the least. My blog is definitely geared toward the ladies and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
  • Most of you are in your thirties. Ready for this staggering statistic? 68% of you are in your thirties! I really thought most of my readers were in their twenties, so this was surprising to me, but maybe it shouldn’t be. I started blogging around the time that Twenty-Something Bloggers (remember that community?) came into popularity and I was on the younger side of that demographic, and since (spoiler alert) many of you have been reading my blog since its inception, it makes sense that most of you are in your thirties. 27% of my readers are in their twenties and I have around 5% of readers in their forties.
  • No surprise: mostly US readers. Every now and then I check my stats to see where my traffic is coming from and while I have a few international hits, it’s mostly US-based. The majority of you are located in the US, a few in Canada, and just one UK reader (hi!).
  • You’ve either been reading my blog for a very long time, or you’re totally new to Stephany Writes. It was so interesting to find out that most of you have been reading this blog for five years or longer (45%). Thank y’all who have been around for the whole journey because, believe me, those early blog posts are cringe-worthy. Thanks for sticking by me as I figured myself out in my twenties. It was also surprising to find out that 23% of you have been reading my blog for a year or less. I don’t feel like I promote my blog as much as I used to and I’d love to know how some of you found this blog in the past year.
  • Most of you use a feed reader to get my blog posts. This is how I read blogs myself, so it wasn’t surprising to find out that 46% of you are subscribed to my blog via a feed reader. What was surprising is that 36% of you just come right to my blog to learn about new posts! There are also 14% of you who get my blog posts by email (there’s a signup on my sidebar to get my blog posts by email!)
  • Blog posting schedule: just right. The majority of you are happy with my two-posts-a-week schedule, but some of you want to see more blog posts per week.
  • What do you guys like to read about? A lot of you enjoy some of my regular series, including “Currently In…,” “Week in the Life,” “TGIF,” and “Five for Friday.” I was really happy to see that people love Week in the Life because that’s one of my favorites series to do every year and I’m glad it resonates with all of you guys, too! You guys also love when I talk about introversion, social anxiety, high sensitivity, personal finance, and singleness.
  • Nobody loves book reviews. Ha! I think I should have specified between my monthly book reviews and book reviews when I just talk about one book. But 55% of you said they weren’t your favorite, so you might not be keen on the weekly “What I’m Reading” series I’m starting. Oops. I’m not going to write one-book reviews anymore, so hopefully those were the blog posts you guys didn’t love so much, not the multiple-book reviews.

I also asked you guys what you like about my blog, and you guys were seriously the sweetest. The majority of the responses said that you love my honesty and that I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. You love the authentic and thoughtful nature of my blog posts. And having an honest, vulnerable dialogue about the messy parts of our lives is exactly what I wanted to create from this blog. I didn’t want to sugarcoat the hard parts, but be open and honest about my life.

I also asked for suggestions for how to improve my blog and I got some interesting responses to that question! Some of the suggestions:

  • Don’t be afraid to monetize your blog
  • Write more blog posts
  • Talk more about your dating life
  • Write fewer book posts
  • Keep sharing the hard stuff

I loved these suggestions, but there were two in particular that stood out: monetizing and talking about dating. I have thought long and hard about monetization when it comes to my blog and have decided it’s just not for me. It takes a lot of time and effort to search for monetization opportunities and I just don’t feel like it is worth it for me. And I’ve always felt a little icky writing sponsored posts. If the right opportunity comes along, something that feels right and authentic for me and my audience, I would consider it. But as it stands right now, monetizing my blog is not something I’m considering.

Now let’s talk about dating. It’s true – I only make mentions of my dating life, but very rarely provide specifics. For example, in my 2017 wrap-up posts, I talked about how I had been seeing someone for the first couple of months of the year, but he was absent from the blog. Why? Because our relationship never evolved from “casually dating” to “boyfriend and girlfriend.” And I just don’t talk about relationships that are in that “casually dating” stage. The first (and only, sigh) guy I’ve ever talked about on my blog in detail is someone I had had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk with. So that’s something that’s not going to change because my blog isn’t about other people. It’s about myself and my life and my journey. Hopefully one day, that journey will include a romantic partner, but until we’re serious, it’s something I will continue to remain quiet about.

What I Want From This Blog

So, what did this reader survey teach me about my blog? Nothing new, actually! This is good – it means the posts I’m writing on a regular basis resonate with you guys, even the less-serious ones like Five for Friday and TGIF. It helped me to see that talking about introversion, high sensitivity, and social anxiety are topics you guys really want to see more of, and it reminds me to continue writing about these topics and bringing awareness to them. I’m also grateful to see that you guys do like me to talk about singleness and dating, and even though I’m not dating this year, I’m going to try to write about that journey and what it’s like to be consciously single. And, finally, writing more about personal finance and my neverending quest to be a better money manager is going to be a priority this year. I’m not sure how, just yet, but I’m going to figure out what needs to be said.

Another thing that you’ll notice is that I’m going to try to stick to a three-days-a-week posting schedule: Mondays devoted to my current reads, Wednesdays devoted to a personal essay, and Fridays devoted to something fun like “Currently In…” or “Five for Friday.” I’ve been doing the two-days-a-week schedule for years now, so it might take some getting used to, but I’m going to try to make it work. And if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. A little experimentation didn’t hurt anyone, right?

Categories: About Me

Life Lately

It’s been three weeks since Dutch passed away, and I’m slowly trying to get back to myself.

I thought about coming back to blogging last week, but I just wasn’t ready. I’m not even sure if I’m ready now, but I’m trying. I need it, even if the words don’t come as easily as they used to. I mean, I spent two days just trying to figure out how to start this post, deleting paragraph after paragraph.

But I’m here. And that’s all that matters.

In the last three weeks, I’ve tried to figure out how to live my life without my best friend and it’s so hard. Every morning is a constant reminder that he’s gone. And when I’m asleep, I dream of him. I still expect him to be waiting for me when I come home. I hear phantom noises when I’m alone in my apartment. I receive these little reminders on a near-constant basis, like when I opened up my laptop for the first time after losing him and saw a pop-up from Pinterest: “20 more pins for dog birthday party,” because I thought about planning a birthday party for his 16th birthday back in early January. It’s these little things that remind me of the significance and impact of losing him.

But I’m not going to lie: as heartbroken as I am, life has been easier for me. I was not shy about how hard it was to be the sole caretaker for a special needs dog, and my whole life basically revolved around him. I couldn’t leave him alone for more than 3-4 hours, which meant I always had to have someone check in on him in the middle of the day (usually my mom) and I had to race home after work to take care of him. If I had evening plans, I would either have to ask my mom to check on him for me or do it myself, rushing him through his evening walk so I could get to wherever I needed to go. And if I did have evening plans, I would always worry about what kind of scene I might come home to because in his last year, Dutch had developed a habit of pooping and then stepping in the poop and spreading it all around. (Sorry to be TMI, but damn, I had to deal with this constantly and it sucked.) There were times when it took thirty minutes to clean it all up, between washing him, cleaning the floors, and disposing of the mess. Listen, I don’t miss that. Not one bit. There’s a sense of freedom in knowing when I come home, I won’t have a poop-splosion to worry about. And let’s not forget his sleep struggles, which were especially bad in the last year and prompted me to put him on a pill that essentially made him lethargic at night so he (and I) would sleep.

So, yes, life is easier in a way. There’s less worrying – about him and if he’s happy and thriving, about his sleep struggles, about arranging my life to suit his needs. I can say “yes” to evening plans without checking in with my mom first to make sure she can take care of his evening walk. I can go to the gym after work without first going home to check on him (which, let’s face it, when I’m home, I’m staying home). I can run errands and not worry about the logistics of what time I need to be home for Dutch.

But life is also a lot more empty, a lot more purposeless, a lot less happy. Even as hard as Dutch was to take care of, he was my buddy. My best friend. I always knew I could come home to him after every bad day, bad date, bad experience. He was there, exuberantly happy to see me and ready to slobber kisses all over my face. He was my constant companion and I really don’t know what to do with myself without him.

I’ve thought a lot about my next pet because yes, I’m pretty sure there will be another little one running around my apartment before 2018 is over. Before Dutch passed away, I didn’t think I would. I thought that I would just wait until I was in a serious relationship, so I had someone else to help me with taking care of a dog, but who knows when that will happen and I don’t think I want to wait until it does. (If it does.)

However, I’m also not making any decisions anytime soon. I’m just not the type to adopt a new pet immediately after losing one. After my beloved dog Minnie died when I was in college, it took me about six months to be ready to start looking for a new dog and suddenly, that’s when the opportunity to adopt Dutch happened, which was serendipity at its finest. And there’s also the question of whether I want to adopt a cat or a dog, which may surprise some people, as I’ve long identified as a dog person. But I like cats! I love them, even. And I’m really intrigued by how much easier they are to care for than dogs, so all my cat people: I want all of your advice in the coming months! I don’t plan on beginning to look for another pet until the summertime, which will give me time to be alone and grieve Dutch, as well as save money for a new pet and make the decision between a cat and a dog.

In the weeks after losing Dutch, I’ve leaned on my mom more than I have in a really long time. And she’s been there for me every step of the way. I slept at her place the day before we put Dutch down because I just didn’t want to wake up alone that day. She was there in the room with me when we put him down and stayed in there after I left sobbing. She’s checked on me constantly, sometimes just showing up at my apartment unannounced, which was so needed for someone like me, who has the hardest time reaching out. She’s the one I can text when I’m having a bad day and she’ll help me take my mind off my pain – or let me talk it out if that’s what I need.

And my friends have been great, too, especially my friend M. who has checked on me almost every day, even now. And that’s what I’ve discovered from this period of grief – sometimes, I just need someone to text me “How are you?” and allow me to word-vomit about what I’m feeling. She allows me the space to do that. Other friends have taken me out to lunch and let me be a big cloud of gloom, not asking anything more than that of me. I’ve had blog friends send me emails, care packages, messages to check in, and one special friend who donated to the Florida SPCA in memory of Dutch, which made me cry big tears when I found that out. It’s times like these when I find out how loved I am, and it means the world to me. I can only hope I can pay this kindness forward.

And now I’ve talked for 1,200 words, after saying writing has been difficult for me. Obviously not. But I think it’s so helpful when people talk about grief and get real about how they’re feeling. It’s this weird taboo topic in a sense, and I can understand why because it’s so vulnerable and hard and dredges up so many emotions that we’d rather keep tucked away. But I’m trying really, really hard not to keep my emotions down. I have a tendency to do that – so much so that I have been relieved that I’ve cried a lot in these past few weeks because crying is not something I do often, not even after my grandma died – and I’m trying to allow myself the honesty of grief.

So that’s what my life has been like lately. This isn’t a fun season in my life, unfortunately, but I’m learning to live better with the grief of losing my best friend. Certain days are better than others, but I have also been surprised about how easily grief slaps me back on my knees just when I think I’m doing okay. I guess that’s just the way grief works, though. It’s not linear and I just have to accept that I will never understand it. One step forward, four steps back – that’s grief in a nutshell.

But I’m doing okay most days. I’m finding my way through this season as best I can, and that’s all I can ask of myself.